Religion and Scams

*Anuddah scambait exercise from '06*

I sometimes am not only too much of a smart ass for my own good; I'm a pseudo-sacrilegious one.

Don't you just HATE when that happens? I should say I do. But I'd be lying.

When folks talk about the mythical separation of church and state, they are clearly talking out their flatulence holes: every state has a church. A whole bunch of 'em, with more differing denominations than the US Treasury.

Now that that's settled...there is an opportunistic sect of folks who don't particularly care about religion. Some among them use a religion they don't particularly know well, care about or believe in, to stir up the masses who do, to carry out things like terrorism and take out/delivery suicide bombs with lunch and dinner specials included.

Then, there are the more simple, less explosively-inclined out there, who just use religion to dupe the faithful. Outta money. Some do it without the pretense of an email scam. Pastor Gas -- Robert Tilton -- is one such (of many). He has no need of an email ploy; he does his scamming right on TV.

I tend to draw the scam-inclined who prefer the email route.

Over the years, more than a few of my email scammers have targetted me with a scam based in religion, faith, and playing on what they assume is my guilt of living in a rich, fat society that needs to reach out to, and take care of, those less well off. They apparently figure that once I see Sally Struthers -- all three of her -- begging for donations for waifs in the Third World, I'm tearfully on the phone, maxxing out my credit card. Or they need just hit me with the "dying in the Netherlands, and I need you to give my wealth away to widows and orphans....for a fee" ploy, figuring that I'll feel so bad about their plight, I will happily pony up, just to think of all those happy, smiling widows and orphans I'm supposed to be helping.

Phffffft.

This comes as no surprise to those who've read this blog much: the effort to provide me with a guilt trip is wasted, even if all expenses are pre-paid. Though registered unaffiliated, I have conservative inclinations. In fact, I'm worse than a conservatively-inclined: I'm a mean-spirited conservative-inclinator. Only a mean-spirited conservatively orienter would receive the following plea from "a fauxdying woman in the Netherlands", and do widdit what I dun.

Witness the following (note: I'll just post the lowlights of this rather long-winded email, so's you're not bored along with being incensed about my complete indifference to human suffering):

FROM MRS ROSEMARY BROWN OF NETHERLANDS
PLEASE ENDEAVOUR TO USE IT ON CHURCHES AND ORPHANAGES

Dear one in the Lord
My name is Rosemary Brown (Mrs). Naturally this letter might come to you as a surprise (uh..nawp) since we have not met before.it is by the grace of God that this took ocurred (huh?) knowing the truth and the truth shall set me free. Having know the truth, i had no choice than to do what is lawful and rightful in the sight of god for eternal life and the sight of man for witness of God's mercy and glory upon my life (am I supposed to be tearing up or cheering here?). I have the pleasure to share my life briefly history with you and also prayerd over it, God revealed to me that you are genuine hearted and can do this work (I always knowd God had an ornery sense of humor).

I am her from the netherlands. I am married to dr. William Brown who died in 2003. We were married eleven years without a child, but this is not your worry (thanks; glad we cleared that up). He died after an illness that lasted only four days. Before his death, we were born again christians. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of EIGHTEEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSANDS US DOLLARS with Unity Trust Bank LONDON PLC.

Altogether, i have decided to give alms to charity organizations as i want this to be one of the last good deed I do on earth. My health is deteriorating as you see (and just how the spoon-billed platypus am I supposed to see that in a pictureless email?) and I cannot do this any more myself.

I recieve a letter from the bank, in structing me as the wife of the depositer to come forward to recive the money or rather issue a letter of authorizsation to sumebody to recive it on my behalf since i cannot come over there due to my fatal illness. Again, i with my laptop in a hospital where i have been undergoing treatment for cancer which had indicated to my doctor that i would not last for the next four months (okay...let's have a big "awwwwww" from the more feeling readers out there, since I'm too mean-spirited to give a rat's family jewels).

So it is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations, churches, because my relatives have plundered so much of our wealth after my husband's death (don't you just HATE conservative in-laws?) and my illness got deteriorated. i cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them.

Please, i beg you in the name of god to help me and see my last wish is realized. i beg of you, a christian and god fearing person not to forsake me now.

The bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. i took this decision because i don't have any child which i fault no one for and my husband's relatives are not christians or believers. i must know this money will not be used in an ungodly manner.

My happiness is that i lived a life worthy of a christian. so i am not afraid of death hence i now where i am going (just pack fire-proof clothing, Ma'am). i know i am going to the bossom of the lord. Exodus 14 vs 14 says that the lord will fight my case and i shall hold my peace (that isn't what it says, but who am I to rain on her bullschtick garden? mwhahaha) . Whoever that wants to serve the lord must serve him in spirit and truth (counts her out).

Please, i don't need telephone communication in this regard because of my health and the presence of my husband's relatives around me always (guess they can't read what you're emailing then, eh?). i don't want them to know of you and your helping hand. any delay in your reply will give me lesser time to fulfill my wish to serve the lord as i have dreamed of since i was little child (gag me with a front-end loader).

If you would please endeavour to contact me for arrangements and assure me that you will act accordingly as i stated herein and you can not betray me once you receive the money into your account.

Hoping to hear from you soonest (what IS it with these seminar scammers and this "soonest" crap?).

I'll wait a moment while some of you wipe away the compassionate tears, while others of you finish hanging me in effigy for my mean-spirited asides and digs.

Okay. Now's time to reveal that coarse-humored, mean-spirited, sacrilegious streak in yours truly. I replied to Mrs. Rosemary Brown. But not merely as U. R. Phulovit; I replied as Reverend U. R. Phulovit of the Universal Life Church of the Perpetual Song Sung Horkage:

My good and wasting waif:

PeeeRRRRRRAAAAAIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSE GEEEEE-AWWWD!

Merciful Heathens, Sister, that was some enlightened bulshevik you laid on the pulpit hyarabouts, shore enough!

Welcome, my grasping-at-straws heathenette, from my mentor, the Reverend C. Mai Moon and his TRAVELLING SALVATION SHOW! HALLE BERRY! PACK UP THE BABIES AND GROPE THE OLD LADIES AND EVERY ONE GOES AT LEAST TWICE A DAY with the right fiber intake, HALLE BERRY!

On behalf of my meager but thoroughly bemused clusterflock of the UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH OF THE PERPETUAL SONG SUNG HORKAGE, I -- Reverend U. R. Phulovit, mentor and aspiring replacement to the renowned REVEREND C. MAI MOON -- thank you for this plentitude of vacuous promises! Since giving is akin to grace, I'll grace you with the same reciprocity, HALLE BERRY and HOWARD BE THY NAME!

We are all one in Him, unless we are two, then Praise HIM twice! I have most carefully read your missive to give Him and His children the business you so desire to give in your pre-corpsely status, Sister Heathen. I am moved to say that I am touched by your zeal in this, as He is my witness, having once been beaned by a birdhouse which has since become a digression to the subject at hand.

I do believe -- and I know I speak on behalf of Him and my amply-posteriored mentor, REVEREND C. MAI MOON -- that we are able to meet your needs in a manure that will bless all who partake in something akin to that which we are all akin to partaking of, more or less, all things being something, if not the same as something else, which it may or may not resemble.

Do write me back at this email address, my wavering child of fading vitals -- (a now disabled email addy) -- and worry not about the significance therein. For in the cow we find spiritual solidity which we can milk for a life time; and in feathers, we find the insulation of our faith, which if not careful, we shed lest we stray from the coup of His Word, HALLE BERRY!

I shall await your next, fading compost flower, and together in HIS guidance, we shall travel the path of your giving us the business that will forever after guarantee your place in the eternal BBQ pit that takes reservations from people just like you and Matthew Lesko.

Go Forth in His Name, or go fifth and take a number,
Rev. U. R. Phulovit

Amazing grace or not, I did get one rather befuddled reply from Mrs. Rosemary Brown:

Reverend Phulovit

Thank you for answering my call for help the darkness of my failing life. god has answered my prayer as i know he would.

Reverend Phulovit, i am having a problem understanding all that you have said to me and i ask that you speak simple English that i can understand. i am ill you know and much of what you say is hard for me to read. i will then ask you that you contact my good friend, Barrister Samuel Beres (email samuelbere1@yahoo.com) who will work with you to go between me in my weakened condition (ewww...sex with a near corpse?). I go and send him your reply so he may know it is you when you contact him and he is okay with me to act for me.

May God bless you all the days of your life Phulovit.

Not once He reads this, me thinks.

And once the good bannister read it, that ended the whole shebang. Nothin' from him, and no more from herself. Horsefeathers. Too bad: I was thinking of employing some South Park or Leslie Nielsenisms from Repossessed. Oh well.

Guess my mean-spirited conservative-inclination will have to make hay with some other poor faux-suffering waif another day.