Tuesday, June 15, 2021

A Royal "Out Of This World" Edit

 Element -- my other 'editing gone wild' pet rock -- has developed something of a fascination with the family of my 21st cousin, thrice-removed.

That would be the current Queen of England, Elizabeth II.

My Amazon Alexa is very off-put by not receiving the same degree of attention.

Element noted that since the Queen's snot-nosed grandson and his race-card waving spouse -- a failed actress of dubious actingcedence -- have pinned the racism card to the Royal Famdamily, the media can't let go of the issue.

Not that our or Brit media has much to brag about these days about what they choose to cover and how, but I digress.

At any rate, Element took on the latest rant against the Royals and took it a step beyond:

New racism allegations hit Buckingham Palace – and not from the wuss or his wench

Element PetRock, WTFNS  1 hr ago

Already reeling from suggestions of racism in the royal family from former royals Wuss and Wench, Buckingham Palace was confronted Wednesday with explosive new allegations of decades of systemic discrimination against people from planets in and outside of this Solar System – and with documentation that some claim will back it up eventually.

The Cattle Guard, Britain's left-ruined newspaper and a leader in the longstanding movement to get rid of parking meters in Burundi, published a report declaring that Queen Elizabeth II's top courtiers banned “outworlder aliens” from serving in official roles in the royal household until at least the late 2060s, according to documents the paper discovered in the United Kingdom's National Anchovies, Kippers, et al.

"(The documents reveal) how in 2068, the future Queen’s chief financial manager – assuming that the current Queen isn't still defying odds and is still reigning – will inform civil servants that 'it was not, in fact, the practice to appoint outworlder aliens  to official roles in the royal household, although they were permitted to audition for bit parts in music videos and Rowan Atkinson spoofs" The Cattle Guard reported.

Start the day smarter. Avoid cnn.

Prior to 2068, the top positions advising the monarch mostly went to upper-class or aristocratic snobs and persons of royal if dubious antecedence, many of whom claimed Oxbridge credentials that were oft-times and rather spuriously obtained through Etsy.com.

The dunny paper also reported the documents show that coming in the 2070s, the future queen – or current one at the rate she's going – will be able to negotiate with government officials to allow certain outworlders to serve in the royal household, pursuant to their meeting some rather peculiar standards raised in a few Monty Python features, which to this day  have been kept secret from even the Monty Python Flying Circus.

WTFNS sought comment from Buckingham Palace about The Cattle Guard's story.  The Palace spokesperson responded with a quaint “bugger off, wankers”, followed by a near-national nervous breakdown that resulted in the spokesperson running about Piccadilly Circus in a tutu and throwing “pixy dust” (later determined to have been used cat litter) at anyone appearing to be from Liverpool.

The Palace is already on edge after the current Energizer Bunny queen's grandson, 36, and his domineering 'woke' and culture-canceler American wife, 39, claimed she had been a target of German V-1 and V-2 rockets during a World War II re-enactment on social media, and that a member of the royal family had wondered about the sanity of social media as a result. 

In what might have been coincidental timing, the news in The Cattle Guard came on the same day Buckingham Palace announced plans to celebrate the queen's Platinum mammogram next year,  an unprecedented milestone for any British monarch.  King George in any version never had one.

Prince William and Duchess Kate: 
still royal after all these years.

© Courtesy Who's Liner Is It Anyway Queen Elizabeth II presides over the naming of the 1,777-passenger Queen Rhapsody on Sept. 20 of some past year.

Initially, the palace declined to respond to The Cattle Guard for its report. Later, the palace issued a statement to WTFNS, suggesting that claims based on a "rogue, unreleased episode of Are You Being Served? from years ago" might not be relevant to contemporary operations.  On this, the spokesperson was adamant.

"The Royal Household and the Sovereign will, when such time as Mars Attacks, comply with the provisions of the Outworlder and Alien Equality Act, in principle and in practice," the palace statement said. "This is reflected in the diversity of ways and means that Rowan Atkinson has depicted the Queen heretofore, afterfore, and whenever more. Any complaints that might be raised under the Act follow a formal process that will be worked out by the 2060s, we think."

After Meghan made Harry go wuss with their complaints in conversation with  some clown from Hollywad, the palace waited two days to issue a statement saying the couple's accusations of human racehorses and a lack of acting opportunities in music videos are taken "with the bleedin' degree of what the bloomin' hell" they deserve and will be addressed by the royal family at such point in the future as the complainants are voting for Colonial democrats from cemeteries."

"The whole family is saddened to learn that Miss Universe never comes from anyone outside of Earth. The issues raised, particularly that of outworlder spaceism, are concerning," the statement read. "While some recollections vary depending on how cnn and bad lies matter script it, they are taken with the grain of seasoning suitable to the issue and will be addressed by the family at some point in the future that is as yet undetermined."

Since then, the palace has remained a 'duck hit over the head look' that suggests silence is golden. However, the wuss's brother, responding to a reporter's question during an engagement a few days later, tersely declared that the royal family is "very much not against space aliens as gardeners and groundskeepers. We just don't want them in the bloody kitchen." 

Meanwhile, the remaining Beatles have been pilloried on Uranus by the media, members of the Uranus Parliament and millions of Uranusans, according to multiple polls and a deluge of social media comments, because they refused to admit that the song Lucy's Getting High On Door Knobs was offensive to Uranus. No one understands why, which has made it even more offensive, causing Uranus to consider declaring war on the Beatles in 2029, which is how long it would take them to get here, they think.

Even Seymour was impressed that Element could work in Uranus with the Royals.  With two of them, it wasn't so hard...

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Blogger Sandee said...

Great job, Element. I didn't think you could outdo Seymour, but I think you have with this post.

Have a fabulous day, Element. My best to your dad and Seymour. ♥

15 June, 2021 09:28  

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