Tuesday, July 30, 2019

Online Marriage Counseling Be Like This

Scammers are always seeking new angles.

For quite a while, it was spell casters that were "repairing lost marriages" among other things.

Now, we gots us just a typical scam counselor with the name of....Dr. Unity.  Bear witness to the unsolicited testimonial sent my character by one of his 'patients':


Hey guys,
I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored.
“We recently made up, even though it was difficult. It’s been
more than a month now, and everything feels like it’s returned to
normal. He has begun to treat me better, and it’s been a healing
process for both of us. The nightmare that had lasted for almost
2 years before we broke up is finally over. It’s like we fell in
love all over again! We’ve both put the past behind us, and are
trying to move forward – and for the first time in a long time,
the future looks a lot brighter.
I can’t express in words how grateful I am Dr Unity! It’s like
we’ve finally rediscovered those things about each other that
made us fall in love in the first place. All of the worrying and
stress has simply vanished.
Thank you Dr Unity for saving my broken Marriage and brought my
husband back to me!”.
Me and my husband are living together happily again.. All thanks
to Dr Unity. If you have any love or marriage, health Spiritual
problem contact Dr.Unity now and i guarantee you that he will
help you.
Email him at: unitydrcares330@gmail.com,
but before you email him you can aks me anything you wish to this
is my private number text or whatsapp only please.
‪(916) 572-7518‬
Sarah, 38 years,Sacramento, USA.  



Ain't that precious?

Not.

My pet rock, Seymour, is a bit sentimental about marriages and such, having been married once hisself and then playing the field as a care-free, devil-may-care pet rock.  And he couldn't wait to tear into the email from Dr. Unity's scam:


From: Sarah Wells <info@cares.com>
Sent: Friday, July 5, 2019 3:36 AM
To: sebastianlipshitz09@gmail.com
Subject: Dr. Unity Could Care Less 
 
Hey gender array, 

I’m so excited...and I just can't hide it...I'm about to bust a nut
and I think I like it.
My broken Marriage has been blowd to smithereens.

“We recently made up sexual fantasies, even though it was difficult.
Especially the one with the inflatable hellary sex toy, the aoc toilet
paper and a yak.  It’s been more than a month now, and everything
has turned to abject sh*t.  He declared himself to be an octosexual
orthopod and is now prostituting for a manatee gang in Florida. 
The nightmare that had lasted for almost 2 years before I realized
that I didn't need a dildo to do an emu is finally over; I shot the
emu. It’s like the biggest turkey dinner ever!  Now he's not a he,
and I'm not a me, and the emu's digested, and sex with Hellary
sex toys, aoc toilet paper and yaks is all the rage in Nigeria. And
neither of us know what bathroom to use.
For the first time in a long time, I'm going to throw up.

I can’t express in words how disgusted I am Dr Unity! It’s like
we’ve finally discovered those unspeakably perverted things
about each other that made us go off the rails, jump the shark,
turn totally whackadoodle and begin living lives of totally useless
people.  F**k you Dr Unity for totally burying my Marriage and
now have me trying to date and have sex with flightless birds!”.
 
All thanks to Dr Unity.
Bastard.
If you have any mental issues, the f**king LAST PLACE ON
THIS OR ANY OTHER PLANET YOU WANT TO GO is to Dr. Unity!
I guarantee you that he will turn your life into a South Park
episode.



Email him if you're totally insane at: unitydrcares330@gmail.com,
Or you can contact his trained primate at  ‪(916) 572-7518‬
Ask for Big Ass Sarah.  


I'm now waiting to see if Dr. Unity will offer to treat my pet rock for half-price.


"Are NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"



 

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Saturday, July 27, 2019

I Think Seymour Did A 'Shroom

Anytime I give my pet rock, Seymour, a scammer email to edit, he goes into another mode entirely.

I think it's on accounta 'shrooms.

"Is NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

If not, then some peculiar moss only pet rocks know the therapeutic value of.

At any rate, Seymour got the chance to edit a scam from the great clowntry of Dubai.  Here 'tis:


I am very happy to contact you for this business transaction. I am Barrister Mrs. Diana Hamade from Dubai, United Arab Emirates. I am the Personal attorney to my late client from your country who died of car accident with the family in 2014.He deposited $15,500,000(Fifteen Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars Only) Only in a Bank here. He died without any registered next of kin.The bank contacted me and said that they will confiscate his account and money if i fail to present somebody as his next of kin,the bank wants to confiscate his money if i don't present a next of kin to claim the money.I contacted you because you have same last name and can perfectly fit in as his next of kin and he was from your country,Let us work together with trust to claim this money and share it 50% for you and 50% for me. Please send me your Cell phone number to communicate and Your Address, Full Name,sex,Age for details clarification of this transaction .

Please send me sms once you reply me with your details so that i can check my email immediately  +971522851237

Regards and remain blessed
Barrister Mrs. Diana Hamade (Attorney-at-Law)
Office 602, Damas Tower, Maktoum Street, Deira  



One thing's sure:  it isn't any safer driving in the Middle East than it is in Nigeria, if these emails are right about how many rich foreigners die there.  It might make someone want to vacation in the Dominicans, instead.

Or not.

At any rate, Seymour "the editing-gone-wild" pet rock, strikes again:


From: Mrs Diana Hamade <advocateuofall@gmail.com>
Sent: Friday, June 28, 2019 3:03 PM
To: Painful Rectal Itch Sufferers
Subject: Jack 'n Jill Are Under Investigation For Sending Perverse Morse Code To Uranus  


Run For Your Lives There's A Manatee Loose   

 I am very happy when I am not staked to an army ant hill slathered in whipped cream.  You just don't know.  That's how some business transactions roll here in Third World sh*t holes. I am Bannister Mrs. Diana Hamade from Dubai Dubai Doo, United A-rabs with Emirates in assordid relationships with camels, goats, etc.  I am the Personal atturkey to my late client from your country who died of car accident with the family in 2014.  Since he never fired me -- I think he was gonna until I f**ked with the brakes on his jalopy -- I reckon I still am the personal atturkey to my late client from your country.  He deposited lots of strange and perverse things in a Bank here. He died without registering his next of kin -- he didn't have a carry permit for any of them and here in Dubai Dubai Doo we insist upon such things -- so it can be said with some degree of accuracy that he doesn't got any registered next of kin.  Woof woof woof...that's Oddball's other dog imitation...uh hmmm.  The bank contacted me and said that they are fed up with some of the strange and perverse things my late client deposited in their vaults because it's making it impossible for them to keep and maintain hot secretaries.  So if I fail to present somebody as his next of kin, the bank wants to send all this assordid crap to that cortez broad from NY who makes up lousy photo ops and has the IQ of a pea pod.  I contacted you because I am in no position to decide on what's behind Door #2 or Curtain #3, and besides my hair's still in curlers and thanks to a new memo from the corporate hr nincompoops I now have no idea what bathroom to use because I was just declared a non-binary gender neutral octosexual orthopod.  
I never thought that Eric Cartman from South Park would prove to be prophetic.  Come together...right now...over me.  Shif snif bamboo-zle, shif snif bambooo-zle.  They sing this at the DNC I hear.  Badly.
Let us work together with a cross-eyed blind wombat with an acned butt to claim some kind of discrimination by a cake maker that refuses to make wookie fecal torts because he is fundamentally opposed to faked photo ops in front of fenced in parking lots in Arizona.  Compounding all this, Lucy's getting high...on door knobs.  I have never understood what the Beatles meant by that song...have you? 
Please send me your Cell phone unless it's older than mine.  Then we can trade photos of Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a thong.  Them's collectors items on Uranus, I hear.  And they make that cortez broad cry next to fenced parking lots.  I can almost see why.

Please send me sms once you reply me with your details so that i can check my email immediately  +971522851237

Regards and remain cornfused and poned
Bannister Mrs. Diana Hamade (Atturkey-out-lawed)
Office 602, Damas Tower, Maktoum Street, Deira
Dubai Dubai Doo...scoo dootin' doo-bee  
 
 
Seymour won hisself no new friends in Dubai Dubai Doo or at the DNC.  Not that he'd want any from the DNC.

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Wednesday, July 24, 2019

Korn Pone

The names of some of the scammers my character gets emails from are truly a hoot.

Like this one:  Korn Chia.

Yup.  Korn...Chia.


And here's how a Korn Chia starts his roll:


Good news for you today,Your Abandoned transaction is now Ready For Claim .

Payment of $11.5 Million USD has been approved by the Asia
compensation department to be transferred into your bank account by
the ICBC BANK OF THAILAND ,But you have only two options to receive
your fund such as Online Wire transfer/Wire transfer.

This payment is as a result of Asia compensation payment which is due
to you ,But i will like to let you no the truth here you are to send
$850 usd to the paying bank of Thailand to help you Wire or open an
online account in your name and release credit your $11.5 Million usd
payment fund to your bank account over there.

Please acknowledge receipt of this message for more details.

Hope to hear from you soonest.

Yours faithfully,

Mr . Korn Chia

Chairman Foreign Debt/Contract Payment.  



My character's reply wasn't necessarily meant to further things along:


Korn Chia???  I have heard of chia pets, but korn chia???  That's a new one.  Will you be on QVC or a K-Tel/Ronco product?  Asking for a friend.


It is quickly established that Korn Chia is not terribly interested in what's in a reply, only that there was one:


Thanks for your world. Well i need to inform you that this transaction
is 100% risk free and all documentation shall be providing to you once
you are ready to comply to the instruction given to you by the paying
bank of Thailand name ICBC Bank Thailand. Note in the case of your the
release of your Asia Compensation 11.5 Million usd fund and your new
online account it is your duty to take care of the account opening and
activation $850 usd fee because such fees can not be deducted from the
total amount of($11. 5 Million usd ) because the paying bank said that
your fund was insured by Thailand insurance office meaning that know
fund will be remove until you confirm your fund amount in your
account,and note that the $850 usd is the last fee you are sending to
the paying bank to have full access to your $11.5 Million usd payment .

Kindly proved your full information to move further to the paying bank
to release your payment to you as instructed .

Expecting to hear from you soon.  



You need to further convince me that this is 100% risk free.  I sense an untenable angle here, combining Korn and Chia in one deal.  


Thanks for your mail, Well Attach is the prove of the said fund in
ICBC BANK THAILAND which i instructed the paying bank to send me the
prove to send to you.

However you are advise to contact the paying bank for your payment as
soon as possible in order to assist you release your fund in your
account so i will request you to contact the paying bank immediately
because we have reach an agreement already with them to assist us
setup an online account in your name whereby it will help you to
confirm your fund amount in your account without any Authorities or
agency stopping your fund.

But i have to let you know the truth here because we have reach an
arrangement already with the ICBC BANK that their should assist open
an offshore online account in your name.but you need to secure a
transfer license ACTIVATION code and the last Clear Bill which will
cost you( $850 USD ) to secure a transfer license ACTIVATION code to
enable your fund reflect in your account as i was informed by the
paying bank over the release of your US$11. 5 million dollars
compensation fund,so once you have agree with this items and condition
kindly contact the paying bank immediately to move further with the
release of your Asia Compensation $11.5 Million usd fund payment to
you immediately.

Note that if you follow up our directives, your fund will reflect in
your account within Three Bank working days from the day your contact
the bank and follow due process and instruction your online account
will be open with them and you will start making transfer .

However, Once you agree with this items and condition kindly contact
the bank, you make sure you ask the paying bank when contacting them
to send to you their agent name on how to receive there $850 usd fees
and release your payment to you.

Note that you must follow all due instruction given to you by the bank
to enable you have full access to your fund with them.

Bellows is the contact information of the bank.

INDUSTRIAL AND COMMERCIAL BANK OF CHINA (ICBC)
BANGKOK THAILAND BRANCH.
11-13 Fl., Emporium Tower 622 Sukhumvit Road,
Khlong Ton, Khlong Toei, Bangkok 10110
Tel. 02-663-9100 Fax. 02-663-8786
Direct Office Line: (+66) 8434211.5633
Office Fax: (66)7784-63002

Email    :..   INDUSTRIALANDCOMMERCIALBA@outlook.com
Email    :..   industriaandcommercialbankofchina9@accountant.com

Officer In Charge : Mr . Guohui  Song

Attach is my working ID CARD and the prove of the fund.

You are to expected  



Here's a sample of his attachments he feels authenticate him and his offer to give my character the business:

...and

...and


And with that, Korn feels authenticated.


Nice collection of documents there, Korn.
The other guy is not any where near as uniquely named as you.  Guohui  Song?
Are you sure that I can't complete this with you instead of him?  
 
 
Thanks for your world. Well i need to inform you that i can help you
complete this transaction with the icbc bank if only you can send to
me all the bank needful to help you finalize over with your $11.5
Million usd payment with the icbc bank Thailand.

However i communicated with Mr Guohui Song of ICBC BANK over the
information you are to send for the transfer and there agent name on
how to receive there CLEAR BILL MT3107 CLEARANCE CERTIFICATE $850 USD
FEES to help you credit your payment to you which the ICBC BANK send
to me there agent name bellow and all the information you need to send
now for the transfer today.

Here is the information needed for your online account opening.

1) Your Full Name..........
2) Phone, Mobile number..........
3) Company Name, Position And Address.
4) Profession, Age and Marital Status.
5) Scanned Copy Of Your Int'l Passport

KINDLY SEND THE PAYMENT TO BELLOW ACCOUNT OFFICER BY WESTERN UNION OR
MONEY GRAM AND SEND TO ME THE PAYMENT SLIP TO COMMENCE OVER WITH THE
OPENING OF YOUR OFFSHOE ONLINE ACCOUNT AND ACTIVATE IT IMMEDIATELY,

RECEIVERS NAME : SANTANA SACHAROEN
ADDRESS: 11-13 FL., EMPORIUM TOWER 622 SUKHUMVIT ROAD, KHLONG TON,
KHLONG TOEI, BANGKOK 10110 THAILAND
AMOUNT: USD $850  US DOLLARS  
 
 
If he really knew my character's "world", he wouldn't be so thankful.
 
 
So, Korn Chia, I have to send this other dude $850 USD?  Do I read that kornrectly?  
 
 
Thanks for your mail, yes that is correctly.  If  you can not send the bank $850 usd by
WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM to the give agent name i will advice you
to contact the paying bank to send to you their agent bank account to
deposit the bank $850 usd fees and open your online account with them
and credit your $11.5 Million usd payment to you.

Please you need to make sure you work on the bank instruction given to
you, because my concern is to stand and see you confirm your fund in
your account without any problem and that is why i am in this office
to help and guide you.

Note that you must follow all due instruction given to you by the
paying bank to enable you have full access to your $11.5 Million usd
fund with them.

Bellows is the contact information of the bank.

INDUSTRIAL AND COMMERCIAL BANK OF CHINA (ICBC)
BANGKOK THAILAND BRANCH.
11-13 Fl., Emporium Tower 622 Sukhumvit Road,
Khlong Ton, Khlong Toei, Bangkok 10110
Tel. 02-663-9100 Fax. 02-663-8786
Direct Office Line: (+66) 8434211.5633
Office Fax: (66)7784-63002

Email    :..   INDUSTRIALANDCOMMERCIALBA@outlook.com
Email    :..   industriaandcommercialbankofchina9@accountant.com

Officer In Charge : Mr . Guohui  Song  


I dunno Korn; I'm not sure why I have to send $850 to anyone as inarticulately named like Guohui Song.  Korn Chia so much more distinctive.  Still, I'm adaptable.  Convince me.  


Now suddenly he's Mr. Korn:


Thanks for your mail ,Well i do not understand you here in ,But i will
advice you that you are the one delaying your payment in that bank has
unclaimed fund .

Kindly go and work with instruction by sending the $850 usd and
receive your $11.5 Million usd fund with the ICBC BANK of Thailand .

Note that if after this week you fail to send to the ICBC BANK
THAILAND there bank $850 usd fees your payment with them will be
cancel in that bank so kindly comply now and stop all this mail you
are sending to me now .

Waiting
Mr Korn .  



What about my previous email do you not understand Korn?  Clarify if you want the $850 sent today, tomorrow, or at all.  


THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL ,WELL KINDLY SEND THE $850 USD PAYMENT TO BELLOW  ACCOUNT OFFICER BY WESTERN UNION OR MONEY GRAM IN TODAY OR TOMORROW  AND CONFIRM YOUR ONLINE ACCOUNT WITH US FOR TRANSFER.

RECEIVERS NAME : SANTANA SACHAROEN
ADDRESS: 11-13 FL., EMPORIUM TOWER 622 SUKHUMVIT ROAD, KHLONG TON,
KHLONG TOEI, BANGKOK 10110 THAILAND
AMOUNT: USD $270 .00 US DOLLARS


I always love when the scammer gets his in-progress scams kornfused:


Now that's more like it, Korn.  I'm happy to only send you $270.  


Turns out that Korn can read on occasion:


NO IT IS $850 THE OTHER NUMBER WAS MISTAKEN.  KINDLY SEND THE PAYMENT TO BELLOW ACCOUNT OFFICER BY WESTERN UNION OR  MONEY GRAM IN 24 HOURS FROM NOW AND CONFIRM YOUR ONLINE ACCOUNT WITH  US FOR TRANSFER.

RECEIVERS NAME : SANTANA SACHAROEN
ADDRESS: 11-13 FL., EMPORIUM TOWER 622 SUKHUMVIT ROAD, KHLONG TON,
KHLONG TOEI, BANGKOK 10110 THAILAND
AMOUNT: USD $850 .00 US DOLLARS  



Not a good mistake to make, Korn.  I expect precision from anyone offering me the business.  


Thanks for your mail ,Well i do not understand you here, how do you
say such to me .

However i see that i have try my best to see that you confirm receive
your payment from the icbc bank Thailand so it is felt for you to work
with them or your payment will be cancel after this week in that bank
if you fail to send to them there bank $850 usd and to claim your
payment with them .  



Let me help you understand, Korn:  you tell me $850 then in the same email you tell me $270.

That's how do I say such to you.  I like accuracy and precision.  You sabe?  

 
 
Mr Jack Ewehoff it is $850 usd ,Thanks .  
 
 
You're sure now.  No last minute changes to switch to what's behind Door #3, hokay?
 
 
What is this you say, Jack?  Please send the USD $850 soonest as instruct.  
 
 
Working on it.  International finance is tough biscuits.  
 
 
Thanks for your mail ,Well i need to know if you are done sending the
Clear Bills $850 usd fees and your full details to the paying bank and
receive your $$11.5 Million usd payment from them .  
 
 
Clear bills?  What are those?  My bills are modest and don't like see-through undies.  
 
 
No no That is the $850 usd to Clear all the bills and release your payment
from the bank .  
 
 
Oh...I thought you were asking me to send you clear bills and I wasn't sure how I could do that with modest bills.  
 
 
I shall wait to hear from you once you have send to the icbc bank
there bank $850 usd fees and note that the fees sstill reminds your
money because it will be added to your fund online account once open
and Activated you will confirm the $850 usd in their.  
 
 
Your patience is much depreciated Korn.  
 
 
And then, all of a sudden, a discount suddenly IS offered:
 
 
Thanks for your mail ,Well i can see you are have a problem with
send the 850 usd, I can send 500 usd so kindly update me if
you can send the rest balance of 350 usd to the bank this week to open
your online account with them and release your payment to you .  
 
 
Dang, Korn, that's right neighborly of you to offer to do that.  But I really
couldn't ask that of you...could I?
 
 
...before Korn had a chance to digest any of that, I followed up with this:
 
 
I was so impressed with your willingness to pay 2/3s of the fee yourself, that I decided to let you pay the whole thing and feel really good about yourself.  You first class number one man.  
 
 
That tore it:
 
 
NO NO NO THAT IS NOT THE DEAL I CANNOT PAY WHOLE
FEE YOU MUST SEND 350 USD AS INSTRUCTED OKAY? 
 
 
Now Korn, you took such a magnanimous step there, why stop at two-thirds,
when for another third, you can be first class number one man?  Here's your
chance to be first class number one man.  A chance that not come in this venue
very often.  Will you see the nettle for yourself and take that next step to first
class number one mandom?  It awaits you.  
 
 
I CANNOT WORK THAT WAY YOU MUST SEND THE 350 USD
TODAY.  STOP BE SILLY LIKE THIS NUMBER MAN STUFF.
 
 
You disappoint me, Korn.  You really do.  Here you have a chance to do it
up right and be a first class number one man before your entire collections
of pears and collies, and you shirk from the moment of greatness before you.
Sad...very sad.  So sad, that now you make me insist that you rise to the
occasion and seize the honor I offer you.  You pay the whole fee and forever
after be first class number one man with your pears and collies.
 
 
I guess Korn isn't so much into being so regarded amongst his pears and collies:
 
 
STOP CONTACT ME IDIOT.
 
 
I don't recall suggesting that you were an idiot.  But if you insist, okay...you're
a first class number one idiot.  Happy now?
 
 
That apparently pushed Korn over the edge and he decided to invoke that acronym that he figgered would send chills through my character:


Attn Jack Ewehoff

Thanks for your mail ,Note that we have your full details and we shall
send the FBI to your home address to get you arrested ,because this is
an office email .

Mr Korn .  



He reckoned the mere mention of the FBI would end it there.  *BUZZZZZZZZZZZZER*, as he receives this email thirty times and counting:


BWHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHA.
Send the FBI...I have donuts.
You're about as official as a popcorn fart.
Your office might wonder what you're doing running non-work emails on it, though.
Mebbe YOU better get some donuts, Poodle Lips.  


It appears that the only Korn Chia I've ever known in Scam Land is through
with his efforts to give me the business.  Perhaps he IS happy with his new
title.  OR he's desperately trying to find donuts....

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Sunday, July 21, 2019

Seymour Baits The Moon Truthers

I remember it.  I watched it.  And never once did I see James Bond running through the scenes.

July, 1969.  Apollo 11.  Anyone alive then knew.

Well, almost anyone with a working brain.

Like Holocaust deniers and Hellary-lost deniers, there are "moon truthers" that insist the lunar landing never happened.

Even my pet rock, Seymour, face palms when he reads about such morons.

Then Seymour saw a recent article in Yahoo's crapfeed, giving vent to another "moon truther" to deny history.  Granted, that's what the Left does...deny facts, truth, history.

That was enough for Seymour to don his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat once again, and have at it:


On 50th anniversary of Apollo 11 landing, here's why 'moon truthers' are running out of Depends


 
Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

July 19, 2019 



This past Saturday marked the 50th anniversary of when the Apollo 11 first touched down on the moon. But despite facts and incontrovertible proof that the landing itself happened, a few abject nincompoops still insist that it never happened.

This “moon truther” bowel movement has gained nothing substantive in recent years, with one poll of many finding that six-one thousandths percent of Americans believe that the Earth is flat, unicorns crap eatable ice cream, that Cortez broad has three working brain cells instead of only two, and...wait for it...waaaaaaaiiit for it...the moon landing was faked.

Marcuse Alldouche is the Berkeley publisher of an Antifa playbook and conspiracy-based magazine called It Was Hellary's Turn, and is one of six people and a dozen inflatable chia pets who believe the landing was a hoax.

“I do not believe that a cat could have pushed everything off this flat Earth by now,” Alldouche tells WTFNS. “Just watch the movie Diamonds Are Forever...James Bond was running through the simulated moon landing when they were filming it for YouTube.” Alldouche, who watched the entire Bond series of films as a 26 year old kid living in his parent's basement, says his argument boils down to three things: “Bond, broads, Q.”


Alldouche says he doesn’t think the Russians could have helped Donald Trump beat Hellary; “hell, they couldn't even best Moose 'n Squirrel” he quipped. Alldouche did say that when man finally does reach the Moon, they'll find a dead killer whale that the South Park clods sent there thinking that it was where it told them to send it. When asked how it was that the South Park kids could send a killer whale to the Moon but man couldn't do it, Alldouche's eyes glazed over and he spouted “are you assuming my gender? There's a sale at K-Mart!”


While many disgraced and former news organizations attempt to dispel Alldouche and his handful of nincompoop followers, he points out that cnn and ms13nbc can't tell a real moon landing from a staged Cortez photo op at a fenced-in parking lot.


But even Alldouche can understand why cnn continues to think that Hellary won in 2016. “Really bad hallucinogens”.

Seymour won't get his Pulitzer with this one...but he will get accused of having moon rock collusion connections that helped get Trump elected.

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Thursday, July 18, 2019

Emus Inherit An Earth of Farting Hot Dogs

The look is soon to be explained.

Dying scammers with million to bequeath is quite the template.  All of them are widows.  None of them have kids from their marriage.  All had spouses that left them millions.  And now they're dying of things like demeaning plebney.

So they turn to my character for 'succor'.

More likely they hope he's one that's spelled slightly different.

Take the latest to try for example:


From: Mrs.Nancy Stewart
#33 St Peter Port.
Martins, Guernsey,Channel Islands,
United Kingdom.

Attention;

I am the above named person but now undergoing medical treatment in
London, England. I am married to Dr. Richard Edwards who worked with
British Railway Commission in Chelsea England for over a decade before
he died on 5th of July in the year 2003.

We were married for fifteen years without a child. He died after a
brief illness that lasted for two weeks. Before his death he made a
vow to use his wealth for the down trodden and the less privileged in
the society. Since his death I decided not to re-marry or get a child
outside my matrimonial home. When my late husband was alive he
deposited the sum of (Eighteen Million US Dollars) with one Finance
House. Presently, this money is still with the Finance House.
Recently, my Doctor told me that I would not last for the next 150
days due to cancer problem. Though what disturbs me most is my stroke.

Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to an
individual or better still a God fearing person who will utilize this
money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want an individual
that will use this to fund and provide succor to poor and indigent
persons, orphanages, and widows and for propagating peace in the
universe. I understand that blessed is the hand that give. I took this
decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money
and my husband relatives are not inclined to helping poor persons and
I do not want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or spent in
the manner in which my late husband did not specify.

I do not want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly
manner, hence the reason for taking this bold decision. I am not
afraid of death hence I know where I am going.I know that I am going
to be in the bossom of the Almighty. I do not need any telephone
communication in this regard because of my health and because of the
presence of my husband?s relatives around me always. I do not want
them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.
As soon as I receive
your reply I shall give you the contact of the Finance House.

I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as
the original beneficiary of this fund. I want you to always pray for
me. My happiness is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Whosoever
that wants to serve the Almighty must serve him with all his heart and
mind and always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your
reply will give me room in sourcing for an individual for this same
purpose. Please assure me that you will act according to specification
herein. Hoping to hear from you. Thank you and May the Almighty God
bless you.  



How little the scammer knows the character of my character.  But she won't be long in finding out:


Subject: From Russia With Black Market Viagra And Inflatable Hellary Sex Toys
 
From: Mrs. Nancy Stewart
#33 St Peter Port.
Martins, Guernsey, Channel Islands,
United Kingdumb

Stand at Attention Major:

I am the above named person but now undergoing medical treatment in
London, England for gender neutrality conversion. I was married to Dr. Richard
Kimball who worked with Cook County Hospital in Chicago until a one armed
man killed me and blamed him, tuckering out Tommy Lee Jones in a movie
remake of the original TV show with David Janssen getting chased all over
hecky-darn-poo.  He died in 1980 before I was a reborn-again virgin of
dubious antecedence.

We were married for fifteen years without once experiencing the peculiar
thrill of a sexual three-way with an emu. 
Or a manatee.

Before his death but after mine he made a vow to make YouTube videos
of sexual three-way "how tos" so that couples like us -- and there might
be more than you'd think...just look at Huma and Anthony Weiner -- could
have something to work from. 

Now that gender neutrality and the move to ban gender assuming is
well underway, I think it's time for me to do what I was doing best as
a born-again virgin until Alyssa Milano declared a sex strike, which
pretty much put my prostituting myself to flightless birds out of
business.  After all, whatever Milano advocates is morally corrupt,
which makes it okay for democraps.

I'm not one, but after I achieve surgical gender neutrality, I get to be
one by default.  Especially if I find a border to cross illegally.

Bad as it appears that Donald Trump beat Hellary without collusion
in 2016 -- despite all the fake evidence we Brits got paid to make up
by Hellary's crimepaign -- what disturbs me most is that I was going
to run for president on the democrap ticket, only to find that 20 plus
flakes even more mentally f**ked up than me are already running.

 Having known of this disappointment -- I wanted to be the most
compromised candidate out there, and now there are 20 some odd
more compromised than me -- I decided to donate my time to the
Blondes Making Jokes About That Cortez Broad fund.
Apart from that, I want a louver that won't drive me crazy.  I want
a louver that won't drive me mad.  Can Fast Eddie's Winders 'N
Door Fangled Thangs make that happen?

I do not want a situation where I don't suck enough that cnn won't
invite me on repeatedly to spew abject nonsense that cnn prides
itself on making up with it's collection of the dumbest, most corrupt
fauxjournalists in the world today.  Hence the reason for taking this
bold decision. I am not afraid of painful rectal itch because I know
how I got it and I've since washed my hair.
 
I do not need any telephone perverts calling me and breathing heavily
into the phone because I'm not a judge for the Olympic Obscene
Phone Call competitions in 2020.  Did you get that, Anthony?
With an empty Coke bottle signifying some peculiar deity to a
tribe of wayward sons of Cheeseburger, all things are possible.
As soon as I receive your reply I shall probably foul myself
repeatedly because no one's responded to this yet.

I will also issue you a letter of authority that will empower you as
the original toaster oven twat waffle pilot to battle with thetins
from an episode of South Park.  It will take more than just the
Farce to guide you on this one, Grass Humper.  I want you to always
pray for farting cows to keep that Cortez broad freaked out.

Wait until she finds out that hot dogs fart too.  The dunce that
serves as mayor of NYC apparently knows this.  Guess she didn't
get the memo yet.

 
Please assure me that you will act in a manure that will keep me
from getting voted off America's Got Talent. Hoping to hear from
you or something that looks kinda sorta like you.

Yours in horror when I see what someone did to my original email.



After a few days of no reply, it would seem that Ol' Nanc was indeed truly horrified to see what my character dun to her email, Ma.  And to learn that hot dogs fart.

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Monday, July 15, 2019

Raiders Of The Lost Area 51...?

My pet rock, Seymour, loves the news.  And he loves sci-fi. 

When the news and sci-fi meet, Seymour is so there.

So when he read a joke about some dude calling for the storming of Area 51 "to see the aliens there" on Facebook, he was beyond amused.

Seymour has his own theories about what happened at Roswell, NM, in 1947.  And not just what wound up in Area 51 over that...but what didn't

So donning his "editing pet rock gone wild" hat, Seymour delivers up the following:


Raiders Of The Lost Area 51

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

 


The highly classified Area 51, a United States Air Force facility, has long been the source of conspiracy theories, lore and at least a couple Indiana Jones subplots. The remote location in Nevada is supposedly where the  alien spacecraft that crashed in Roswell, New Mexico and delivered to the planet a few examples of alien politicians, is being stored. More recently, head-scratching scientists seeing the results of allowing some of the aliens to escape into society are asking themselves, “WTF were we thinking?”



The government has long been tight-lipped about Area 51 and only confirmed its existence in 2013. Many are still curious why it was shrouded in secrecy for so long, and why so many blithering idiots have within recent memory shown up in the Democrap Party.


One tour group was rumored “determined to find answers” — according to the Faceplant event, by sheer force of numbers alone. A group of Democrap voter registrars plan to try to herd nearly 450,000 illegal aliens to the location and have them storm it, AFTER being registered as Democrap voters. Their rallying cry is “Storm The Border: Safety Awaits You In Area 51.”


"We will all meet up at the Area 51 Alien Center tourist attraction, coordinate voter registration, then force the secret facility to become a place of sanctuary for aliens, run by aliens, for aliens," the detail of the event reads. On September 20, attendees are expected to meet at the Area 51 Alien Travel Center, a combination gift shop, gas station, restaurant and, since this is Nevada, a brothel that doubles as a DNC affiliate.


"If we [Naruto] run, we can move faster than their ICE and Border Patrol agents," the description continues. "We love the irony in aliens providing sanctuary to aliens."
Social media users are already theorizing what they will see at the Air Force facility.



They're too late; the space aliens are already running the Democrap Party 
— Sandpoundingly Stupid(@_SandpoundinglyStupid_) July 12, 2019         
My alien that I voted for from area 51 is waking me up at 3 AM asking me how a garbage disposal works
— PinHaid224(@PinHaid_224) July 12, 2019


if the area 51 raid doesn’t happen like this then we should get Indiana Jones to do it 
— OMGra (@OMGralila) July 12, 2019         
Me explaining to my
therapist why I need
plane tickets to go
to storm Area 51
— twatwaffle (@twatwaffle2) July 12, 2019


Me deciding on what alien I wanna to vote for in 2020 from Area 51  
         — DramaLlamaDingDong (@DLlDingDong) July 12, 2019

In a post censored by Faceplant the organizer of the event, Jackwagon Brown, clarified his intentions. "Hello DNC, this is a joke, like that Cortez broad's Green New Deal. However, if some of your president candidates are stupid enough to actually go ahead with this plan," he wrote, “it'll be fun to watch." And he added “I'm not responsible for having let the aliens out of Area 51 into the Democrap Party in the first place."

A spokesdork for the Cortez broad responded tartly to Brown's post with “that was spacist”, referring to racism against space aliens. He further demanded that Sarah Jessica Parker's head be returned to the body of a chihuahua immediately. “Diversity like that is a woeful thing...but necessary”. 




Seymour is sure this will net him a Pulitzer in 2020.  I think it'll net him a bullseye from the DNC's Lack-of-Intelligence Committee.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!"

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Friday, July 12, 2019

Cortez Is A Joke In Nigeria Now, Too

Before she's done, Cortez will be a joke on Uranus as well.

But that's for later.

There are no shortage of Nigerian barristers out there.  How do I know this?

I hear from them all.  Or rather, my character does.

Here's one that wants to represent me:


I am Barrister Owowa E. Egobia, I am a Human Right lawyer and  activist. It is my pleasure to write you concerning this good news,
the Nigeria Anti Fraud Unit arrested one Mr. Prince well Arinze a  Fraudster Kingpin. During interrogations

he confessed that he duped  you and some many other people of
a lot of money which he used to  build many houses, buy landed
properties, cars and shares from  companies. It may interest you
to know that the said fraudster will be  sued to court for
perpetuated act of fraud, forgery and impersonation.   I will put
your name in a suit case against him and stand in as your
attorney. Be informed that you will not pay me anything as i run an
NGO that fight for fraud victims and less privileged. You will not be
charged for consultation fee or mobilization fee. All i need is your
cooperation to get justice prevail. You are to as a matter of urgency
confirm to us your full name, address and mobile phone number to
prepare the case file.

I will awaits your prompt response.

Yours faithfully,
Barrister Owowa E. Egobia
Principal Officer/founder
Owowa law firm and human rights foundations.
529 Denis osankwa road, Asaba
Delta State Nigeria  



Isn't that quaint?


The game changes, once the edit's done:


From: Owowa Egobia <cwb.aus001@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, May 30, 2019 8:59 PM
Subject: I will awaits your prompt rejection of cow and hot dog farts to save the universe.
 --
Attention: Sir/Madam/Gender Neutral Non-binary being,

I am Bannister Owowa E. Egobia and you're not.  Being a tepid



follower of Her Nibs, Alexandria Obtuse Context, I am a Gender
Right atturkey and climate frawg actervist of dubious antecedence
and worse credits.  I am 175% on broad with Context's alarmism
about the Earth ending in 12 years unless we stop cows from farting
and hot dogs too, NOW.   It must be NOW, for without NOW, ugly
feminincompoops will never get dates with cnn story props and
coat racks.
It is my pleasingness to write you concerning this news, the
one and only Nigeria Anti Frawg Eunuch was arrested attempting
to induce a shipment of Ballpark Franks to simultaneously fart and
destroy harbor facilities at the Lagos Port Complex (aka Apapa Quays)
once the effects of the deadly hot dog SBDs were realized at some
future point.  During interrogations he confessed that he duped
Obtuse Context, the nippleheaded mayor of NYC and others with
this ridiculous thesis which he used to buy many ranches where
he could raise mega herds of cows to keep up the assault on the
Earth. It may interest you to know that because of him, college
campuses like Berkeley are slated for early cow flatulence immersion
which will cause all the students there to gather in one place, fart,
and the whole campus will implode.  We are sure their collective
shrieks to the sky will be heard on Uranus in 8 or 9 years.
That's why Obtuse Context is cuckoo over Caca-Poofs and doesn't
know shit about reality or anything else.  Leftist dumbed down
indoctrination has discombobulated her well.
In the meantime, I will be defending Eunuch against charges of
fraud, forgery and selling made up documents to the DNC and
cnn about pretty much everything those two entities are paying
to have made up.
I will be telling you now that regardless of whether the current US
POTUS selects you as a potential Supreme Court justice or not, I
will be listing you as a defendant in a case being brought by a
dozen women who've never met you that will swear on Hellary
Clinton's Russian, GPS and Michael Steele's made-up dossier
that you asked for their phone numbers 36 years ago at a Pizza
Hut in Newark, traumatizing them from the moment at cnn
contacted them about telling this bogus story a couple weeks ago. 
It will be fun, I promise.
Be informed that you will not pay me anything as I get multiple
invites to ms13nbc to perpetuate this fraud against you and
ruin any chance you never had to avoid being shadow-banned
on Faceplant. 
All i need is your ignorance-is-bliss cooperation to get justice
perverted. You are to as a matter of urgency confirm to us your
full name, address and mobile phone number so we can properly
denounce you via morons like Dianne Frankefeinstein, Bela Pelosi
and Maxipad Waters in cnn and ms13nbc interviews.

I will awaits your prompt response.

Bannister Owowa E. Egobia
Principal Twat Waffle/flounder
Owowa Fiction and Gender Gerrymandering Floundations
529 Denis osankwa road, Asaba
Delta State Nigeria  
 
 
The esteemed and sauteed bannister scamster was unable to fathom this edit and didn't bother with a response.  Perhaps Friends of that Cortez broad will get this to her, instead.
 
Then maybe the shrieks from Berkeley can reach all the way to Pluto in a generation or so.

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Tuesday, July 9, 2019

Bad Made Baaaaaaah-der

Got goat?  He do.

Scammers that purport to be from the UAE always offer up loads of cash and "flexible, interesting" terms.

Perhaps prophets from their prayer rug biz literally are going through the roof.

Here's the latest one to try my character:


Attention,
   I am the investment officer of UAE based investments company who
are ready to fund projects outside UAE, in the form of debt finance.
We grant loan to both cooperate and private entities at a low interest
rate of 3% ROI per annum. The terms are very flexible and interesting.
Kindly revert back if you have projects that needs funding for further
discussion and negotiation. Email: saeedafha@gmail.com
Thanks
Mr.Saeed Fasial
 Abdullah  



It didn't take long to dispense with using, among other things, a TV show I never watch as fodder:


From: Saeed Fasial Abdullah <fasialabdullah@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 22, 2019 10:58 AM
Subject: Groan Financing At Arg Rates

 
Attention Nincompooperist Nabobs,
   Allah Ackphooey!
I am the incestment officer of UAE based incestments company who
are ready to fund pogroms outside UAE, in the form of TV spin offs
of The Game Of Thrones.  We will replace dragons
 
 
 with light saber-wielding marmots that speak Cylon
 
 
and battle mythical and badly computerized characters of sordid
backgrounds over the ultimate throne, one that is currently in the
international airport in Burundi.

 
It is 'thing' infested and badly in need of cleaning, but with the
array of characters and subspecies we'll have dueling over it -- we
have a department store mannequin that looks like Bela Pelosi
and says the stupidest things that Cortez broad from NYC utters
on a daily basis, along with bug-eyed Schiff sock puppets, among
others -- and we're sure that among low information democrap
snowflakes, it'll be an immediate congressional investigation into
whether the current POTUS colluded with the marmots to steal
the throne away from Hellary.  Those idiots have nothing useful
to do, so a badly-written script is all they're capable of.
 

 We grant abject nonsense like this to both cooperate and primate
entities at a low interest rape of 285% compounded per annum.
The terms are very inflexible and interesting to language researchers
that like a challenge. 

Kindly revert back into a frog if you were ever turned into one
before the advent of being called out for species assumption.
if you have projects that involve genital reconstruction to
negate gender assumption, particularly if you're attending
a substandard eunuchversity like UC Berkeley.
 
 
Email: saeedafha@gmail.com

Thanks
Mr.Saeed  
 
 
Saeed actually bothered to respond:
 
 
never email again  
 
 
Your reply is neither flexible nor interesting.  What say you?  
 
The silence that followed suggested that he'd run afoul of one of those light-saber-armed marmots.
Or he stepped on one of his own prayer rugs...


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