Friday, March 29, 2019

An Email From Justice?

With the card at the right attached to the email, this was supposed to convince my character that I was actually hearing from THE United States Attorney General, William Barr.

No, not about the Muell's overpriced and nothing-burger report about the faked Russian collusion story.

No, like so many others out there, he wants to give my character money.

For a nominal fee:


       Department of Justice
                U.S. Department of Justice
      
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20530-0001                                 Re-conciliation Letter.

I am very sorry my late response in contacting you because ever since
i resume this office on 14th February 2019 as the new US Attorney General i
was bothered to contact you regarding the abandon files by Loretta E. Lynch
which she did not complete before leaving the office.

From the records and files i have been going through here, i found out
that you are suppose to receive a total sum of $10.5 million dollars
which the United Nation has approve for you since 4 years now but due
to requesting of unnecessary fees from you that keeps the fund
delayed and not denied from you because i am working in a Godly way
and i will ensure every one receives his/her fund now.

Today, i have contact the United Nation to know if the ATM VISA CARD
they programmed for you is still active for you because i do not want
to send you an empty or useless CARD that will not work but the UN
Secretary General told me that the ATM VISA CARD is still active till
2025.

I have make an arrangement in sending the ATM VISA CARD to you through
express delivery which will only take few hours for you to receive it
but you are  required to send FILE RENEWAL FEE of $100 so that your payment file
will be renewed as alive beneficiary and the delivery will commence
immediately.  



Dang .. when even the US Attorney General -- the top law enforcer in the land -- wants to scam me for non-existent money ... my character am someone!

So what does my character go and do?  A little creative edit, and just ruin the whole game:


From: Little Willy Barfartzbah muca.rezarta011@gmail.com
Sent: Friday, March 22, 2019 9:16 PM
Subject:
Department of Justice Has Openings For Gender Neutral Yak Inseminators -- Hurry While Supplies Last

 
                 Department of Justice
                U.S. Department of Justice               USA Department of Justice

    United States of America Department of Justice
                      ....you get the picture
       950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, DC 20530-0001

                                The Mueller Report
                 ..coming to Broadway as soon as 2020..

I am very sorry my late response in contacting you because ever since
i assumed this badly mismanaged office thanks to Barack Obola and
the pack of abject morons he turned loose in here, I've been wiping
the whole place down with antiseptic wipes.
What a mess.  Doesn't help when Bela Pelosi leaks botox every time
she stumbles through enroute to the bar.  Or -- as she prefers -- her
"pharmacy".
At any rate, the whole world now knows that the witch hunt is over.
I have the complete report from that retired fossil, Robert Mueller.
He's taking an extended break in an undisclosed location so that
the suicide note he found written by 'him' on Hellary's server doesn't
get a chance to become prophesy.

Meantime...the report, it makes for bed time reading.  Every time I start,
I nod off.

What I can't tell you from the report, I can't tell you:  it's redacted.
And judging from the thickness of the redaction, it pertains to the
only broom rider that's been sleazing around two elections the
past 11 years.  Five will get you ten you know whom that references.

What it does tell us is this:

-the current POTUS did not collude with Boris and Natasha to
undermine moose and squirrel, elections, erections or Wishbone
Russian salad dressing.

-there might be dubious circumcised evidence in a dossier sent
him by a pack of college feminists at Berkeley that claims the
POTUS did conspire with an asteroid to waste the dinosaurs
75 million years ago so that today's oil companies would
have something to profit from millennia later, but that's
been left to the DNC to dig into.  They'll try anything at this
point.

-the Cortez broad really does have a single digit IQ.

-that's not Harry Potter on ms13nbc, much as it looks like him.

-Jim Acosta is a whiny twit.  All that time to state the obvious?

-$40 million US taxpayer dollars didn't buy what the dems
and Sharpai Soros were sure it would buy.

-Adam Schiff will need therapy...lots of it.  It won't help.

-joining him will be Rosie O'Donnell, Kathy Griffin, all of the
staph at cnn, Mitt Romney and John Kasich.  Same end.

-Opus from Bloom County was named in the report as the
cartoon penguin most likely to get a date with Megyn Kelly
since she has nothing else to do at the moment and Bill the
Cat has a hairball with her name on it.

-the streets of San Crapcisco are covered in...yeah, that.

-"is" still means whatever Bill Clinton needs it to.

-pantaloons are not peculiar ducks.

-Maxine Waters is a parody of that Cortez broad.

-the announced POTUS candidates for the dems in
2020 represent the smallest intellectual talent pool
since a tree stump was elected to the House of Commons
before the Revolution.

-it truly IS possible for The View to suck this bad
while not picking up anything.

From the records and files i have been going through here, i also
found out that you had the option of a working brain or packing
peanuts, and chose the latter.  Small wonder you're a democrap.

Today, i have contact the United Nation and given them your name
in vain because they'll not know what's up; I gave it to them in
Klingon kanji script.  The suckretary genital there was not amused.

Though it's beneath my secretary -- and she's beneath me just now
-- I have make an arrangement in sending random perverse texts to
the first 5,000 people on Twitter that are pissed because the report
doesn't do what they wet themselves to sleep every night hoping it
would do.  You too can receive these texts for the quite low and
ridiculous fee of $100 so that your name doesn't magically appear
in this report and have that cue-balled nincompoop Stelter at
cnn actually try to think he's smarter than you are.
A door knob is smarter than he is, but I digress.
Please take note that I am just new to this office and i want my work
and service to be excellent so that i will be recorded as one of the
best Atturkey Genital so far in the US History.  Actually, after Holder
and Lynch f**ked this place up, an inflatable sex toy can put the
both of them to shame and make a historical impact.  But don't
send $100 in care of the inflatable sex toy at the Department.

No, instead adhere to the Western Union or Money Gram and send
the only requested fee with this information.

Receivers Name:   Andrew Fecklepudd Twatwaffles
Address:    Basement of DNC, Washedupton, DC 20222
MTCN:.....
Sender's Name:...
Sender's Address:...

Please ensure you get back to me with the payment information of the
$100 because I need to see if you sent it per my instructions, or to see
if some jackinarps f**ked with this email and undermined my whole
ploy here.

Alternatively if you have the IQ of that Cortez broad and therefore you
are clueless how to use Western Union or Money gram, you can go to
any Wal-Mart Store or CVS Pharmacy and get Amazon to have a drone
spy on your neighbor butt-boinking his goat.
YouTube always likes crap like that.
Finally, sequel the information i got also from Home land security and
the FBI which states that Peter Strzok had sex with a Yugo during the
Hellary email kerfuffle, it was inadvertently learned that you have been
or are potentially dealing with dubious antecedents that know other
antecedents of equal dubiousness that are selling purloined Russian
Viagra and thereby are interfering in other people's erections.  That is
bad, very very bad.  Please stop any further communication with any
one and just instead pull my finger.


 I heard that the sound sends that Cortez broad into sphincter convulsions.
Thanks for not reading this email too closely!

Regards.
Willy Barfartzbah 
US Atturkey Genital
"In this position, I can dick with anyone!"

 
 
What comes as no surprise, the faux US AG didn't see fit to reply to this edit. But it's very possible my character's name will now appear in Mueller's final report...


 

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Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Fabulous

After two years of build-up, two years of fake news, false narratives and outright lies and dishonesty from both the lamestream servile media and democraps, the Robert Mueller III witch hunt has concluded with his report.

You'll recall when the Muell was appointed to this task.  Dems threatened everything under the sun against POTUS if the Muell was fired or interfered with in any way.  They and Soros were sure that the $40 million US taxpayer dollars would buy them an impeachment of the man that stopped their Queen of Corruption's coronation dead with 306 electoral votes.

Now the report is out.  And Trump is clear of collusion.  Clear of obstruction.

Not so, many notable democraps from the previous administration and currently sleazing in Congress.

Of course, dems and their leftist allies in the media lie.  That's what and all they do.  They continue to push their false narratives after Mueller failed to deliver.

So let's acknowledge the left's angst and meltdowns thus:

...and...

...and...

...and...

...and...

...and...

...and...

...and...


...and...


...and...


...and...

...and...
...and...




 Of course, mix the dems, their media suck ups and the hallucinogens they're on, and this won't be the end of it.  Their kind of abnormal delusions can never be satisfied.

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Saturday, March 23, 2019

Did You Lose My Email Scam?

A recent scammer may just be asking the same question that Carroll O'Connor's general was asking his staff in Kelly's Heroes, when he couldn't find his recon aerial photos.

I'm guessing that the scammer -- Abdul Hassan -- never saw the movie.  Or any of the other references that got throwd in to the edit of his email.

Here's how he started it off:


I know that this letter will come to you as surprise, I got your contact address while I search for foreign partner to assist me in  this business transaction that is present in our favor now, My name is Mr. Abdul Hassan, I am the Bill and Exchange (assistant)  Manager (BOA) BANK OF AFRICA. I'm proposing to lift in your name (US$16.5 Million Dollars) that belong to our later customer, MR.  GORPUN VLADIMIR From Saratov Oblast Russia who died in Siber airline that crashed into sea  at Isreal on 4th October 2001.

I want to present you to my bank here as the beneficiary to this fund and I Am waiting for your response for more details, As you are  willing to execute this business appointunity with me.  


After 19 years of this stuff, I'm well beyond being surprised by anything in email, including words like "appointunity".  Kinda sorry that I didn't make that one up myself.

On this occasion, my response opted to suggest to him that his email came to me in the edited version, just to see if he was paying attention:


As I read your letter, I found myself totally lacking in being surprised at all.  Amused is more the word.
(then comes his email, in edited fashion)

From: Abdul Hassan <abdul2000hassan1@gmail.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 14, 2019 3:20 PM
Subject:
Oh Hell No

 

Dear  Friend,

I know that this letter will come to you as soufflé, I got your contact address while I read stall etching in what passes for a rest room in what passes for an African bank in what passes for an African scam template.  What passes for that, you ask?  Allow me to elaborate:  what passes for that is something that contains a phrase like "in my search for foreign partner to assist me in  this business transaction that is present in our favor now".
When you read that, you should recall the words of the zen philosopher Sum Ting Wong, if not those of his grasshopper apprentice, Ho Lee Phuk.  But I digress.

My name is Mr. Abdul Hassan, I am the Genital Exchange (assistant)  Manager in a fly-infested internet cafe branch of the (BOA) BANK OF AFRICA.  I'm proposing to insert your name onto counterfeit documents that suggest that (US$16 Million Dollars) in gold bars in a bank in Claremont, France, behind enemy lines, is there as the perfect crime, just waiting to be picked up.  And all we'll need is a crazy-like-a-fox lieutenant, a loud-mouthed sergeant with a good head for tactics, a malcontent squad with a tag-along sleaze ball quartermaster sergeant who'll pay anyone $50-100 to carry a machine gun for him.  As if this ain't enough for you, there's three tanks from the 321st commanded by Oddball, who is holding hisself in reserve, in case the enemy mounts a major counterattack that threatens Paris, more maybe even New York, when he can move in and stop them.  But for 16 million dollars, he's willing to risk becoming a hero for three days, even if it's some weird sandwich.
 
None of which our later customer, MR.  GORPUN VLADIMIR From Saratov Oblast Russia, knowd before he boarded a plane that was fated to collide with a UFO over Liechtenstein in 2001, causing all the passengers to be whisked away to an alien planet, and forced to appear on an alien version of The View, where five alien sea hags look for reasons to be mad about anything, including who named Uranus that.


 I want to present you with my daughter, and eight rules for why you should run the other way, screaming.  Especially when she talks socialism and her Green New Deal. 
 
 
I Am waiting for your response for more details, if you are as willing to execute this business appointunity with me as Kim Jong Un is to execute his relatives.
 


And yes, Bela Pelosi really does look like that normally.  If you saw that in the mirror, you would be, too.

Yours in Soivice, nyuk nyuk nyuk *BONK*,
Mr.Abdul Hassan
My curiosity was satisfied by no further repartee with ol' Abdul...I guess he wasn't as amused as I was.


 

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Wednesday, March 20, 2019

The FBI sez Wha....???

The FBI has apparently fallen on hard times.

They keep sending me scams.

Told 'em that Obola would dumb them down.

Here's their latest effort to give me and my character(s) the business:


This is to officially acknowledged an order from the FBI.
Your compensation of 5,000,000.00 (five Million united state dollars)  has been approved for a long time now but we have no contact with you. 


 Please call our +1 641-715-3800, You will be asked to put in
your Access Code which is :89498 followed by the # Key,
then Listen to the voice prompt and press 1 to verify
your account name with our Bank.

When asked for your Verification PIN, Put in 507 and then press 2 to enter
your account number which is : 6500760021, Listen and then press 3 to
put in your transfer code which is 7007 and press 9 to confirm your Bank
information for the transfer to be done.

We look forward to here from you once you have completed delivery into your
account

regards

Mr. Anthony Brown
Bank Of New York Mellon
Wealth Management Office
1250 H Street NW
Suite 1100
Washington, Dc 20005
Tell: (646) 349-9123  



While my pet rock, Seymour, wanted to be all over that ("did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFT!!!"), my scam baiting character decided to channel hisself a bit of Seymour in edit mode:


From: Mr. Anthony Brown <cfcinfo@bankofnewyork.com>
Sent: Saturday, February 9, 2019 12:52 PM
Subject: Hear Ye O' Custoadmer

 
Hear Ye O' Custoadmer

Warts happening?  If you can see what ah dun thar, read on.
This is to officially acknowledged an odor from the FBI...a giant
burrito fart, to be exact.
 
And this your constipation of 5 cubic foot-yards of as-yet unrealized compost,
has not been approved for a long time now; and now that we have the Green New
Deal in regress, but we have no choices but to seize all your farting cows --
even your stuffed ones with internal whoopie cushions -- because we are the
FB of I -- FaceBroke of Idjits -- and we have been commanded by an oracle
from the orifice of Bela Pelosi to scan all your emails for any contact with
Russians, Liechtensteinians, Uranus-ans, or other 'uns what have led you to
believe that Hellary doth fly around on brooms while chanting "devil bunnies,
devil bunnies, I snort the banana, and it's everyone else's fault!". 

She do, but that be aside the point.

She'll be releasing this in a two part set in 2020 entitled "What Happened
This Time, 'Prolly Cuz You're All Bastards". 

To reserve your copy, please call our +1 641-715-3800; you will be asked to cite
vaginally the Gender Neutrality Chronicles, without uttering one improperly-uttered
sexually referencing pronoun not approved by a transgendered manatee in Sarasota.

If you get past that, you'll be asked to put in your Access Code which is something
a mix of Polish, Azerbaijani, Vulcan, Wookie and Bassett Hound.  This you will follow
by barking like a seal for us at the voice prompt and press 1 to verify that you're not
a Russian bot of dubious vodkacedence.

When asked for your last sexual encounter with a marmot, put in 507 and then press 2
to make the noise that pressing 2 makes; it won't do anything, but our receptionist gets
wet when she hears it.

Finally in holding you to account, that account will be 6500760021; listen carelessly
then press 1; then press 2; then press 3; then press 4; then press 5; then in order follow
with 6 thru 9.  It won't do anything other than play Mary Had A Little Lamb on older
touch tone phones.  That excites our receptionist too.

And if you're not thoroughly bored by now, please enter this rather useless
 transfer code which is 7007 and press 9 to confirm you have working bowels
and you're not afraid to use them if cornered in a taco bar.

We look forward to here from you until we realize that some schmuck has
fornicated with our email template.
Farging bastage.

regards

Mr. Anthony Brown
Bank Of New York MelonCollieWoofWoof...that's our other dog imitation.  Uh ummmm.
Wealth MisandMrMarginalized Office
1250 Heckydarnpoo Street NW
Suite 9999
Washington, Dc 20005
Tell: (646) 349-9123
We are DNC dumbed down, FDC Distained and WTF approved
and all before Happy Hour  
 
 
Seymour is convinced that I'll be getting a subpoena from the House Select Committee of Democrap Dumbasses.
 
I'll be happy to send Seymour in my place.
 
"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

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Sunday, March 17, 2019

Walking On The Sun..At Night

AOC may as well be walking on the Sun.

We'd all be better off, me thinks.

We'd certainly be better off than my next email scammer.  Give her an ear:


I GREET YOU IN THE PRECIOUS NAME OF GOD.
 
It is by the grace of God that I was born again, having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is lawful and just in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God & His Mercies and glory upon my life.
 
I am Mrs. Susanne Krogman ,the wife of Dr.John Krogman from Holland, Who work with a America oil company in Africa for twenty years before he died in the year 2003.
 
We were married for ten years without a child. My Husband died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death we both got born-again as dedicated Christians.
 
When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 2 .5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) with a Bank. Presently, this money is still with the Bank and the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I, as the beneficiary of the funds, do not re-activate the account; the funds will be CONFISCATED or I rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf (note that you need to activate this account) as I can not come over.
 
Presently, I'm in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer. I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few weeks to live. It is my last wish to see this money distributed to charity organizations and NGO anywhere in the World in helping human race.
 
Because relatives and friends have plundered so much of my wealth since my illness, I cannot live with the agony of entrusting this huge responsibility to any of them. Please, I beg you in the name of God to help me Stand-in as the beneficiary and collect the Funds from the Bank.I want a person that is God-fearing who will use this money to fund churches,orphanages and widows propagating the word of God and to ensure that the house of God is maintained.
 
The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband's relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's hard earned money to be misused by unbelievers.
 
I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my soundless voice and presence of my husband's relatives around me always. I don't want them to know about this development.I await your quick response to this mail as this is my last wish to see this funds transferred before my Death.Please my beloved for further communication on how we are going to conclude this, Kindly reply me on this my E.mail address:( krogmansusanne@gmail.com ).
 
Remain Blessed.
 
Your Sister in tears,
Mrs. Susanne Krogman.  
 
 
The template hasn't changed since 2000.
 
The edit has:
 
 
From: Susanne Krogman <krogmansusanne@krogmanmg.org>
Sent: Tuesday, January 15, 2019 8:59 PM
Subject: I GREET YOU IN THE PRECOCIOUS NAME OF DAWG  

 

I GREET YOU IN THE PRECOCIOUS NAME OF DAWG       
It is by the grace of YouTube, meth, cookie dough and THC brownies that I was born again, having known the truth; I had no choice than to do what is gender neutral in the sight of a goat head baphomet, so it won't get overly excited and try to hump my leg.
 
I was Mrs. Susanne Krogman, the wife of Dr. John Krogman from Holland, who ran an internet cafe of meth heads tweeting things that AOC thinks are gospel, such as we can land on the Sun at night...
Then I met my conversion to gender neutrality, and suddenly it became clear to me:  eat Wheaties!  Look what it did to Bruce Jenner!?
Prior to my apostrophe, we were married for ten years without a child. We even tried Dr. Ruth...I found her voice like finger nails on a chalk board. My Husband died after only four days of hearing "gudt zex!". 
 
When my late husband was on life support after attempting "gudt zex" with a Yugo tail pipe, he hallucinated the most amazing story of having deposited the sum of 2 .5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred Thousand Dollars) with a Bank. In all our years, we never had a plug nickel, so where'd the bastard come up with 2.5 Million?
Answer:  he didn't.  He was hallucinating, like AOC.
Presently, I'm in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment for painful rectal genital substitution rejection syndrome. I have since lost my ability to queef and my doctors have told me that I have only a few weeks to regain it so that I can queef out a v-flat version of Bohemian Rhapsody live on American Idull.  It is my last wish to see my music video go viral.
 
The Book of Excelsior Abacus Abatement Projection made us to understand that this is why Bela Pelosi, AOC, Maxipad Waters and the whole DNC are like they are.  That and meth-laced botox. I took this decision because I don't have any working genitals left after the Jenner Catbox Challenge and cnn declared me a racist because I don't eat Tide Pods.
 
I don't need any telephone communication in this regard I use my phone strictly for crotch massage, so I'd appreciate you call me a lot as it's set on top level vibrate.  Getting a call now.....yowwwwwwwwwwwwza.  I don't want them to take my kodachrome away, if they ever figure out what it is.  I am impatiently await your quick response to this mail as this is my last wish to see a millennial march on some location where they all knaw Tide Pods and do their own laundry with the drool.  Please my beloved for further communication on how we are going to conclude this, Kindly reply me on this my E.mail address:( krogmansusanne@gmail.com ).
 
As David Hogg sez, Salad Shooters are immoral to salads,
 
Your crash test dummy from the 1980s,
Mrs. Susanne Krogman.   
 
 
Mrs. Krogman never knowd what hit her email...nor did she care to inquire further.  

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Thursday, March 14, 2019

Between The Law

There are things to avoid, and voids without things.

This picture is indicative of the latter.

In fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if the person lowlighted in this picture had a hand in the email my character received a short time ago:


My name is William, a reputable Lawyer. I retrived your contact address in my search for the next of kin to a deceased client of this chamber. He was a citizen of your country, who lived and died in the United Kingdom from Cardiac arrest in the year 2009. Unfortunately this customer died intestate leaving the bank account with an open beneficiary status. All efforts made by our bank to locate my client's relatives have been unsuccessful. I secretly paid a private investigator to search for a family member of my deceased client and the closest result he came up with  was you but he told me you are not related to my deceased client in anyway but you both have the same last name and each search he ran keeps bringing up your information. He did confirm that my deceased client had no surviving family member anywhere.His wife died in 2007 and they didn't have children.So i decided to present you to our bank as the next of kin to claim the dormant account worth $9.2 million.

 You will apply to the bank as an extended relative to the deceased customer while i work from the inside to make sure all needed information and evidences are provided to you to back up your claim. since my client is from your country and you both share the same last name. it is easy for you to become his official next of kin. if we do not make claim to the funds now. the funds would be reverted back to the system as unclaimed estate at the expiration of a 10-year dormancy period in few months.I assure you that this transaction would be handled under due inheritance procedures and every necessary legitimate arrangement will be put in place to make you the real beneficiary of the inheritance funds. It also requires all confidentiality at this stage and i believe that you are ready to keep this absolutely discreet until you are able to claim the funds from the bank.This transaction is 100% risk free.

Please acknowledge the receipt of this message in acceptance of our mutual business by providing your full name,address and direct phone number.Also state that you are responding in regards to the unclaimed funds.Email me on (law_firmthe_crowell@consultant.com) We shall discuss more in details as well as the procedure to achieve a successful completion.This is an opportunity of a lifetime and people achieve it everyday.

I await your response
Sincerely,
William Crowell
The Crowell Law Firm UK  


The email title was "Your Urgent Attention Required".

*Yawn*

My character's response was to edit the email and ship it back, just to see if the atturkey was actually reading correspondence as we went along.  I voted not, but my character was confident in the outcome:


From: THE CROWELL LAW FIRM <thecrowelllawfirmss@usa.com>
Sent: Thursday, February 7, 2019 11:36 PM
Subject: THIS CHAMBER REQUIRES TRAINED SHEEP FOR SEX -- URGENT

 
My name is Wilhelm, a marginal Lawyer of dubious pedigree and antecedence.   I retried your contract address in a court of lewd during my search for the next of choice for a kin to a deceased client of this chamber.  He was actually deceased in this chamber; a plane fell on him.  Planes have a tendency to do that in this country.  So many foreigners that die from plane things here, it are reaching pandumbic levels in Nigeria.

He was a citizen of your country, who woke up one morning not in your country, and died as a result of a Cadillac Arrest in the year 2525, which answers the question if he's still alive.  Unfortunately this customer died after an extended period of constipation, and it all let go when he did.  So we have to close this office and move to a new one.  My ceremonial bannister wig will never be the same.

Oh, and the plane didn't do us any favors, neither.

All efforts made by our team of DNC operatives to find anyone to testify against any of Donald Trump's future SCOTUS nominees have been unsuccessful. I secretly paid a primate investigator to search for a working brain for Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, and the closest thing he could come up with was a banana.  Which he ate.  I fired him, and he could be why that plane fell on my client and office.

I'm sure primate investigators behave the same way in your country, too.

From his asordid notes and graphic pictures of intraspeciesal sex, the closest result he came up with was you but he told me you are not related to my deceased client in anyway but you both have the same saliva line on your right hand, which Lacey Underalls insisted indicated how hot she would get you.  Then a whacked out billionaire in plaid with crazed eyes showed up in a motorboat he didn't know how to drive, and only the gopher emerged unscathed from the sequel, wearing the worst looking hat any of us ever saw.

It looks good on you though *rolled eyes*

He did confirm that my deceased client had no surviving family member anywhere; they were all on the plane that hit him, causing him to Cadillac arrest and empty his constipated bowels in our office.

The EPA is overpriced on clean up for stuff like that, by the way.  I could have done it with a fire hose and shop vac.

 You will no doubt be wondering why at this point in the missive that I contacted you.  I was starting to, only now returning to the template I devinated from.  You are to apply to the Nigerian Ministry of Sex with Animals to allow 500 sex-crazed sheep into this country so that I may have sex with them.  Don't worry; when I don my ceremonial bannister wig, sheep think that I and they are one.  At least after what happened with my former client and the plane thing, I hope that's the case.

I assure you that this transaction would be handled under the same substandards that are used regularly here in Nigeria, and every necessarily illegitimate arrangement will be put in place to make this happen.  It also requires all confidentiality at this stage because the ministry here in Nigeria wants to sodomize sheep too.  However, it is my belief -- my unshakeable belief -- that you, and you, and you and you and I are ready to keep this absolutely discreet until I've convinced all those ewes, somehow, that this transaction is 100% risk free.


Wondering if you saw what I just did there.  Asking for a friend.

 Please acknowledge the receipt of this message by providing your full name, address and direct phone number.  Also state that you are responding in regards to one of the most peculiar emails you've ever received.  Email me on (law_firmthe_crowell@consultant.com) and please leave out any derogatory mentions of what my mother did with the Nigerian military for 30 years.  We shall discuss more in details as well as the procedure to achieve a successful completion.  This is an opportunity of a lifetime for me and you are all that stands between me and a butt-boinked sheep.

I await your response
Sincerely,
Wilhelm Crowell
The Crowell Law Firm Nigeria

"Pay no attention to the 419 behind the curtain"  
 
 
I reckoned that the atturkey would read none of what was writ in the edit, and try to press the narrative.  My character...not so much.  He figured the Hollywad references alone -- along with the sheep sex -- get the point across to ol' Crowell.
 
It kind of did:
 
you are sick  go away
 
 
Just how sick do you reckon?  Am I really that bahhhhhhhhhhh-d?  
 
 
Apparently so.
 
 

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Monday, March 11, 2019

Scammers Be Like AOC

I suspect that the scammer you're about to be introduced to here is probably a supporter of those in the photo.

It won't take you long to see why she may be not so popular with those in the photo:


Dear Beloved .

Please accept my sincere apologizes if my email does not meet your business or personal ethics,It is by the grace of God that I received Christ,knowing the truth and the truth have set me free.Having known the truth I had no choice than to do what is lawful and right in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of God´s mercy and glory upon my life.

I am Mrs Merle  Shumejda from San Antonio Texas.I am married to late Mr.John Shumejda who was the President of agricultural equipment giant.AGCO Corp, who perished on the 4th of January 2002 in a plane crash in Birmingham. Please View the Website below:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/1742404.stm
http://edition.cnn.com/2002/WORLD/europe/01/04/england.plane/

We were married for twenty-seven years without a child,Since his death I decided not to re-marry.When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of ($10,000,000,00)(Ten Million US.Dollars)with a bank in the Texas here and now the management of the bank have just wrote me to come forward to receive the money or rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf if I can not come over.

I am presently with my laptop in a hospital where I have been undergoing treatment of the lungs, I have since lost my ability to talk and my doctors have told me that I have only a few months to live.It is my last wish to see that this money is invested and at the end of every year distributed among charity organization.
And for your compensation, as soon as the money enters your account take 25% of the total money, 5% for any expenses while 70% will be for the work of GOD.

I took this decision because i know that there are a lot of poor people suffering from different kind of disease and nobody to come to their aid.With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank  were the money is been deposit .I will also issue you a letter of authority and certificate of claim that will prove you as the new
beneficiary of this fund.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I stated here.
I await your urgent reply.
Mrs. Merle  Shuemjda  
 

I suspect that the democraps would find way too much God reference therein.  Then again, if Shuemjda pitched a favorable reference to the idiot ideas of AOC -- like the Green New Deal -- she might have defenders against what's coming here:  an edit of her original scam email by my "editing gone wild" pet rock, Seymour.


Have a gander:


Subject: HELLO I Am Mrs Merle Shumejda and I approve this massage
 
Dear Beloved

We are gathered here in the presence of an inflatable AOC sex toy to experience a slow leak combined with a helium voice that will in forty years sound like Bela Pelosi does today.  It is by the grace of a Hellary head on a goat baphomet that I received the word of the DNC from the underside of Guam after it tipped over, knowing that sleeping her way to the mediocre as Cowballa Harris has will set meth heads free.

I am Mrs Merle  Shumejda from San Antonio Texas.  Or perhaps I'm not; the border isn't all that far away.  Among the other mistakes in life I've made -- besides voting Democrap -- I am married to late Mr.John Shumejda who was the President of agricultural equipment giant AGCO Corporation.  We both perished on the 4th of January 2019 in a plane crash in Sum Ting Wong Province, China.  Our pilot, Wei Tu Lo, said as much just before bang ding ow. 

We were married for twenty-seven years without a child; he was inflatable and I got a zucchini stuck in there, and that's how our twenty-seven years went.

I am presently doing lap dances in a hospital where I have been undergoing psychoanalysis for saggy vag syndrome.  I have since lost my ability to talk to anyone about the blackface routine I did in a high school play and the half-dozen women who'll swore I was the next SCOTUS nominee that groped them in elementary school in 1965 in Pahrump, Nevada.  My doctors have told me that I have only a few months to pay my ever-mounting bill or I will have to go live in Virginia with democrap politicians who are bigger sexual predators and scads than the media wanted to admit to.  
 

That's where you come in:  set me up a #GoFundMe page so I can afford to buy AOC's time to have her come here and lecture my collection of inebriated hamsters on the blunders of Venezuela and why the hell that stammering moron wants us to be that way.

I took this decision because I know by watching Bela Pelosi stammer through a public statement that there are a lot of poor people suffering from that different kind of disease and nobody to provide them a translator. As soon as I receive your reply I shall likely foul myself repeatedly, since no one in five years has ever responded to this email template.  I was about to go back to the one where I was Godzilla and was giving you 72 hours to pay me or I'd sit on your face and fart.  That one at least got a bit of feedback.

 
Please assure me that you will not vote Republican, otherwise Bela Pelosi loses her speaker gavel and gets more YouTube videos of her getting whacked with it by whoever replaces her.
I await your urgent reply.
Mrs. Merle  Shuemjda  
 
 
Seymour didn't get any follow up from Shuemjda (or however she spelled it differently), but he just got on the list of those who defend AOC no matter how stupid she comes across.
 
"So what?  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"
 
Seymour, that just got you on her cow fart pogrom....


 


  

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Friday, March 8, 2019

The Horrified Scammer

I have a feeling that in going on 14 years of this blog and 19 years of emails screwed with and edited, this reaction is not new to scammers who had the misfortune to contact my assorted characters.

Once in a while, they'll actually tell me about  it.

Like this one got around to...see how she started out:


Hello My Dear ,

Please do away with this letter if you're unable to assist me.

My name is Katherine Ross Creamer from Sovereign, London. I’m suffering from liver cancer at stage IVB and my health has deteriorated excessively. According to the medical analysis that was carried out on me showed that the liver cancer has spread to other parts of my body. The doctor advised me to quit sins and follow the ways of the Lord that could enable me inherit the kingdom of heaven when I die. He further said I may not live beyond one month because of the stage the liver cancer has reached, his statement kept me worried and with recourse to this selfless cause is the reason I contacted you to accomplish my last wish.

Can you embark on charity work if the resource is made available? That’s my last wish as I could not do it when I was health, you will be rewarded handsomely if you can handle this project. I wait to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely,

Katherine Creamer  



"Please do away with this letter if you're unable to assist me".  That's a somewhat unique way of starting an attempted scam.  And my character was quick to key on that when it came time for a little creative editing:



From: Mrs Katherine Creamer <katherinecreamer@siren.ocn.ne.jp>
Sent: Tuesday, September 4, 2018 7:45 AM
Subject: Yes, You Read This Right

 
Please do away with this letter if you're unable to assist me without laughing.  Yes, you read that right.  I want you to do away with this letter.  The method and means of how you do away with it I leave to your most primal of instincts.  Kim Jong Un of North Korea uses packs of hungry dogs and anti-aircraft guns to do away with his unworthies.  You can make use of simpler means if that is your wish.  Just do it.

My name is Katherine Ross Creamer from Sovereign, London, and I approve this message.
I’m suffering from painful rectal itch at stage IVB of Pinewood Studios -- where they shot parts of all the 007 movies -- and my health has deteriorated excessively doing stunt fill-ins for all the SPECTRE villains who had various demises during the history of that movie series.  Buried in mud.  Dumped down a smoke stack.  Sunk on an underwater floundominium.   Eaten by piranha, sharks and Jaws.  According to the medical analysis that was carried out on me it showed that I had no right to live, therefore my treatment is being ended and I am living my last days as a crash test dummy.
 The doctor advised me to quit sins and follow the ways of the Farce that could enable me inherit the kingdom of Yoda where I could live to be 900, look like hell, talk funny and have someone's hand up my ass all the time.
I fired my doctor.
I may not live beyond one month after the advent of Uranus over Marsupial in the Gregorian calendar, but since no one has one of those, no one hear knows when that is.  Something of a reprieve, I reckon.
That isn't the reason I contacted you to accomplish a rather perverted wish of mine.  It involves anal sex, goats and a whoopee cushion.

Can you embark on something akin to that or anything remotely similar?  Because if you can, I am glad that I don't know you, you demented f**kstick.
That’s my last wish as I could not do it when I was mentally healthy;  you will be led to believe that you will be rewarded handsomely if you can handle this project.  Probably with cast-rubber genitals or something.  I wait to hearing from you as soon as possible.

Katherine Panty Creamer  
 
 
Who or what is passing for the scammer apparently actually read this edit, and the reply was glorious:
 
 
this is horrible of you!  
 
 
I only followed your original instructions, and did away with your letter...by fixing it.  You must admit, it was rather more spunky than your spiral downer of a missive.  
 
 
Lil' Miss Creamer didn't seem to agree, and ended our brief exchange of emails.
 
 
How horrible of me  ;-)


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Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Hacker A *Bit* Over His Haid

In the past couple-three years, ransom ware and hacker attempts at extortion have been something of a rage with the online scammers.  Some have done significant harm to company computer systems.

Others...are just sorry pretenders.

One of the latter tried my character on for size.

Get his "meant to intimidate" ploy:


Final WARNING: Jack N Ewehoff !
You have the last chance to save your social life - I am not kidding!!

I give you the last 72 hours to make the payment, before I send the video with your masturbation to all your friends and associates.

The last time you visited an erotic website with young Teens,
you downloaded and installed the software (Malware /Trojans virus) I developed on your cell phone and computer.

My program ( Malware /Trojans virus) has turned on your camera on your cell phone and converted it to CCTV and recorded your act of
Masturbation inside the room you are and the video you were masturbating to.
My software the one on your computer also downloaded all your email contact lists and a list of your Facebook friends.

I have both the 'Info.mp4' with your masturbation and a file with all your contacts on my hard drive.
You are very perverted!
 
2 People who prove stubborn and Don't want to pay me, I sent their ugly recording (mp4 Info) to everyone they know,
including their family. Below are some of their pictures
(which I removed as well beneath this blog; and numbnuts goes on). 
 
I also posted these picture to blackmarket websites, dream market and silk road (Google it and you will get
it what is it) and I made an account on their names there..  
Your own case is different now as you have not prove stubborn yet.
If you want me to delete your own files and keep your secret, you must send me Bitcoin payment. I give you the last 72 hours.
If you don't know how to send Bitcoins, visit Google.

Send 2000 USD to this Bitcoin address immediately:

35sfKMk8NVUtzGsqpWvfzgjdiS6wz961de
(copy and paste)

1 BTC = 3470 USD right now, so send exactly 0.583427 BTC
to the address above.

Do not try to cheat me!
As soon as you open this Email I will know you opened it.

This Bitcoin address is linked to you only,so I will know if you sent the correct amount.
When you pay in full, I will remove both files and deactivate my software.

If you don't send the payment, I will send your masturbation video
to ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND ASSOCIATES from your contact list I hacked.

Here are the payment details again:

Send 0.583427 BTC to this Bitcoin address:

----------------------------------------
35sfKMk8NVUtzGsqpWvfzgjdiS6wz961de
----------------------------------------

You can visit the police but nobody will help you.
I know what I am doing.
I don't live in your country and I know how to stay anonymous.

Don't try to deceive me - I will know it immediately - my spy ware is
recording all the websites you visit and all keys you press.
If you do - I will send this ugly recording to everyone you know, including your family members.

Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore this message
your life will be ruined.

I am waiting for your Bitcoin payment.

Xavier
Anonymous Hacker

If you are ready to make payment = reply to me here : sales@gmlcb.com
If you try to track my email the domain is not my company i am Anonymous, i can use any email just to receive your reply I use emails of those who refused to pay me to send and receive emails ,I can use any email any time but you will be free once you pay

NOTE. If you need more time to buy and send 0.583427 BTC,
send me email here :
sales@gmlcb.com and ask for extra  '48h plz'.
I will consider giving you another 48 hours before I release the vid,
but only when I really see you are struggling to buy bitcoin.  
 
 
Sounds scary, don't it?  I reckon it is to some, for a whole host of reasons.
 
None of which apply here.  
 
So it was time to have a little fun with Mr. Anonymous Hacker, 'Xavier', and put him to the test as it were:
 
 
From: Xavier The Malappropriated Twat Burrito <xavier.anonymoushacker@post.com>
Sent: Friday, February 1, 2019 10:17 PM
To: douchepterodactyl_01@hotmail.com
Subject: Friends and Family will know you are really weird...like they don't already-(Final WARNING of 965)
 
Final WARNING: douchepterodactyl_01@hotmail.com !
You have the last chance -- or 965 others, whichever works out first --to save your sock puppet collection from my weird sodomy fantasies - I am not kidding!!

I give you the last 72 hours to make a payment to be specifried soonest or soonerer below before I send the video with you having sex with an inflatable Hellary sex toy to all your friends and associates.

The last time you visited an erotic website with Taco Bell chimichangas, you downloaded and installed the software (yomamaware /Trojan Warts) I developed while fingering my bung hole in a fly-infested internet cafe in Lagos on your cell phone, computer and Salad Shooter.

My program ( NigeriaGotzMugus.exe) has turned on your camera by showing it pictures of other cameras getting input-doinked by chimps, and converted it to CCTV and photo shopped you getting sodomized by a crazed sheep in Tibet during a séance with a dead zen masturbator, Yanko.
My software also raped your microwave oven and sent proof to all your email contact lists and a list of your Facepalm friends.

I also have all the launch codes that will allow Liechtenstein to attack your kitchen appliances at will on my hard drive.  Yes, it's true...I am are very perverted!
2 People who prove stubborn and Don't want to pay me, I sent their ugly recording (mp4 Info) to everyone they know,  including their family. 
 
I also posted these picture to blackmarket websites, dream market and silk road (Google it and you will get virtually peed on) and I made an account on their names there.
  
Your own case is different now as you have not yet edited my email and made butt loads of fun of me yet.

If you want your own reputation enhanced by defying me and proving I am incapable of jack squat, don't send 0 USD to this Bitcoin address immediately:

17sfWTFk8OMG69AYUGOTAILPIpE961de
(copy and paste)

1 BTC = 12 WTFs on eBay, so send exactly that to the address above.

Do not try to cheat me!  As soon as you open and edit this Email I will foul myself repeatedly.

If you don't send the payment, I will make up something and send it to cnn, the dnc and Publishers Clearing House.  Once you're on the PCH mailing list, you can never get off.

Here are the payment details again:

Send 0 USD to this Bitcoin address:

----------------------------------------
17sfWTFk8OMG69AYUGOTAILPIpE961de
----------------------------------------

You can visit the police but nobody will help you unless you bring donuts.
I have no idea what I'm doing, since the templates we use here in Lagos are writ for us by nincompoops of dubious antecedence.

Don't try to deceive me - I will know it immediately - my spy ware is jacked up and not working well, but you won't know that.
If you do - I will send this ugly recording to everyone you know, and a few that you don't but I do.

Don't cheat me! Don't forget the shame and if you ignore this message your life will be changed not one iota.  I don't think that I was supposed to have admitted that.

I am waiting without much hope for your payment because this sh*t hasn't worked yet.

Xavier The Malappropriated Twat Burrito 
Anonymous Horker
 reply to me here : sales@gmlcb.com

NOTE:  e-flat.  I tried c-sharp, but no joy.   
 
 
Truth was, I was curious what manner of twit Mr. Anonymous Hacker was; I wasn't long in finding out:
 
 
You better give the right justice
this is the ANGER OF GOD
Instead you will fighting against people
doing ABORMINALBLE THINGS against GOD
you are talking to me
cant you see or are you among them ?????
Tell your authorities to stop it.

lesbians
Gay Porn
Transsexual Ts Escorts
Transsexual
Ts Escorts

First fight them before you fight Anonymous Hacker
Hacking is just an act and not a crime

This crime is against GOD and ALAH
CHRISTIAN and MUSLIM
So where do you belong???

GOD Anger no appeal !!!  


It do appear that I knocked him off his template, it do.

This reply won't be of any more hep to him:


You're all over the map with that reply, Xavier.  You're worse than a second lieutenant with a bad compass and no sense of direction.

You send ME a pathetic attempt at extortion -- and it was hugely pathetic in more ways than your inept self can ever know -- and then you invoke assorted deities whilst you play the role of a Third World inept hacker of dubious abilities?
 
You crack me up. 
 
It was obvious in your email that you're into all sorts of porn, but understand very little about researching your intended victims.  As for me, I'm on the side of making mugu hackers like you look as completely stupid as can be.  And doing so from a world-wide accessible blog that lowlights abject nincompoops like you.  If your mama hadn't been so busy selling herself to the local militia where you are, she might have taught you a valuable lesson:  to avoid people like me.
So, mental eunuch, tell me more about how you're going to ruin my life.  You'll amuse me...then again, you already have.
Jack of all trades,
master of you.
And count on it...God is laughing with me, and at you.  
 
And in keeping with the theme, a little *bit* of Jeopardy Theme music, whilst we wait...in vain.  Xavier's butt hurt and don' wanna play no mores.

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