Saturday, December 29, 2018

AOC Thinks She Can Do WHAT?

Scammers just can't seem to kick their resemblance to the Democrap Party.

Witness this email effort to give my character the business:

Federal Reserve Bank (UNDP)
(World Bank Assisted Programmed)
Directorate of International
Payment and Wire Transfer/Audit Unit
Ref: FPU/OTMINO/VOL.Category /A1

Re: Beneficiary,


With reference to the above-mentioned subject; We apologize for the
delay in processing your awarded compensation PAYMENT,it's been as a
result of the high in-flux in rapid payments to qualified
WIRE TRANSFERS" spanning across various destinations.

Furthermore, Be informed that all necessary documentations has been
processed and forwarded to the accounts department to effect payment
as soon as possible, We've employed transparency in our bid in-line
with the programs and summits sponsored by the "Newly sworn-in
administration board by the United Nations General Assembly in it's
crusade to eradicate corruption.

The United Nations Development program (UNDP), in conjunction with the
Federal Reserve Bank & Health care compensation schemes for families
(HCCS); Therefore the European Union (EU) makes a yearly donation of
$7.5 Million to eligible Recipients worldwide.

Note: All qualified beneficiaries on our database were randomly picked
via an extensive survey over 100,000 internet websites, mini mart
shops around your area which you might have made purchases from. Just
a gentle reminder; No tickets were sold thus you are required to fill
the form below and email it To the office of our Executive Secretary
with the below contact for Qualification, documentation and processing
of your claims. You are get back immediately with your Qualification
numbers (UNDP-909-1114, SFH-4147-465).  

Yup...every bit as believable as a Bela Pelosi presser or anything from the yap of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, who thinks the First Amendment has been suspended when it comes to making fun of her.

My pet rock, Seymour -- who used to enjoy making fun of Kim Jong Un -- has now found a new "fun to be made of" character in the form of AOC.  And while she had nothing to do with the email scam, she has plenty to do with it's editing:

Email Header:  Reply Urgent...Please...ANYONE...  

Federal Reconstituted Virgins Genital Rebushing Project (EN)
(Eunuch Nations Assisted Programmed)
Directorate of Douche Audit Unit
Ref: OMG/WTF/VOL.Category /A1



With reference to the above-mentioned subject; We apologize
for the email.  Our robotic vacuum/oral sex machine used the
wrong list of emails here.

Furthermore, Be informed that all necessary documentations has been
declared circum nada genital Iditarod and forwarded to the dead letter
office of the Nigerian Postal Service where there's nothing going but corruption.

 The Eunuch Nations Dysfunctional program (ENDP), in conjunction with
a robotic dildo on loan from a house of prostitution in the Democrap
National Committee offices, has no idea what the flying fish f**k they're
doing worldwide.

Note: All qualified in our database were randomly picked from cemetery
registries over 100,000 internet websites and frightfully inflated DNC
voter registration drives of cartoon characters and inanimate objects
in Kaliforlornia.
Just a gentle reminder; if you make fun of Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez,
she'll try to send you to a gulag, even though she's too stupid to
know she ain't got the power to do that.

1. FULL NAME.:......................
2. CONTACT ADDRESS.:... .........
3. NATIONALITY...................
4. SEX...........
5. AGE /DATE OF BIRTH: .......
6. TEL/FAX N0:...................
7. OCCUPATION :................

This is to notify you that the OFFICE OF THE RECTUM HELL KILLED THEM
ALL OF OPERATIONS DISCREDITED has finally approved zucchini
enemas for all the women and wannabes of the DNC.  Also be it known to
you that we have made it very difficult for anybody to understand one word
Nancy Bela Pelosi says, let alone what Maxipad Waters demands be impeached,
from a door knob to a tree stump.

Lastly, we want to note you that we have been receiving messages on
your behalf from other folks from different country telling us that
you have been turned into a multi-tentacled marmot by an African
spell caster named Ukulele Ungabunga Boo.  If true, would you
please send us a picture; we ain't never seed nuffin like dat.

Thanks for your co-operation, which will amaze us if we get it.

Best Regards,

David Moore.
Federal Reconstituted Virgins Genital Rebushing Project (EN)  
I didn't get a response from the scammer, but I am given to understand that AOC wants to subpoena Seymour and Waters wants to impeach him.

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Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Seymour Edits Again

As 2019 approaches, nothing's changed.

And the lamestream servile mediocres that kiss the Left's ass, continue to seek any excuse they can to explain how Hellary lost.

All while they avoid the obvious truth that over 63 million voters know:  Hellary sucked.

My pet rock, Seymour, loves to peruse the news.  And on this particular day, it didn't take him long to find what he was looking for:  another "why Hellary lost" excuse; this one from NBC.

It's third party non-entity Jill Stein's fault.

Yeah, there was actually a couple other nobodies running in 2016.  And now one of them is the latest excuse for NBC to run with 'Russians helping Trump win' stupidity.

Seems that NBC isn't satisfied to let cnn hug the bottom of the outhouse pit of credibility; they want a piece of that bottom, too.

Leave it to Seymour to try again to win a Pulitzer with his effort to help them out:

NBC now says Jill Stein is why Hellary lost and recounts all the ways it make sense to them and them alone
By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS

In the latest pathetic effort to explain why Hellary Clinton lost in 2016, NBC News has dredged up one of the more laughable theories to explain it, by floating the premise that failed presidential candidate Jill 'Franken' Stein might have inadvertently played a substantial role in what cnn has been trying to convince anyone with more than three working brain cells was a Russian conspiracy to defeat former Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. 
A Russian troll farm called the We Troll Hellaryski.commie Agency worked diligently to bolster an assortment of floundering third party campaigns ahead of the 2016 presidential election, NBC posted Saturday. The outlet analyzed a Dec. 17 report made up by a staffer for a late Senator, which was sold to MI 6, doctored by the DNC, placed on Hellary's home email server where it could be hacked by the Chinese, and sold to Wiki leaks in exchange for Tide Pods to be sold to American millennials for YouTube videos.  
This report – along with an increasing list of unhinged comments by Hank Johnson (Dumbass) GA about Guam capsizing – detailed the extent to which hallucinogens were being utilized by leftist media outlets in the US during the election.
An NBC analysis using cnn-approved Common Core math substandards as their measuring dipstick, believes that Liechtensteinian marmots trained by Fox News operatives were working in concert with aliens from Uranus who'd been paid by CU-Berkeley inactivists to work under the direction of the troll farm. In this arrangement, the nefarious coalition spent many hours on TWITter and Faceplant, tweeting and posting phrase like “Jill Stein snorts the banana”, “Hellary is the devil bunnies the Beatles sang about backwards”, “We have to elect Trump to find out what's in it”, and “Pelosi's getting high on door knobs” more than 1,000 times during the election.
The report, which was conducted by ms13nbc's San Crapcisco 'Fake News' burro, found the campaign targeted mostly registered dead people, cartoon characters, and fire plugs in democrap-controlled locations. 

Clit Oritis, an NBC analyst living in his parents basement between Antifa riots in Portland, told reporters that NBC’s decision to lean in toward blaming Stein in such a laughable manure should not be that surprising. NBC conducted focus groups among triggered college millennials in Kaliforlornia, which the CIA believes are complete and total dunderheads of the lowest order of intellect, and found more than 10,000 of them have single-digit IQs. 
“Is constipation the ultimate form of anal retention?” he asked, rhetorically. “I don’t know, but even after tiptoeing through the streets of San Crapcisco, it appears not enough retention is being practiced. This was a post-election poop for..well...someone.”  
In an unrelated aside, Stein sought #GoFundMe contributions to keep her name in the news cycle at least a few weeks more after the election. 
NBC then went on to recount Stein’s decision to sit with Russian President Vladimir Putin at the head table of an WTF anniversary dinner in December 2015, discussing how Putin could finally get his hands on Moose 'n Squirrel. The Green Party presidential candidate told reporters at the time that she traveled to Moscow to talk about climate change at Chappaqua, since it was found that every time Hellary walked past a thermostat, the heat kicked on. 
There is significant doubt among anyone with more than four working brain cells about the theory floated by abject nincompoops at NBC. At cnn and ms13nbc – where a fourth working brain cell is not to be found – pundits like Wolf Blitzed are said to be having anal orgasms over the theory.  

Seymour -- in his quest to achieve a Pulitzer -- thinks that this might put him over the top.  I'm pretty sure this will not get him past a Pull My Fanger award.


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Sunday, December 23, 2018

Wait 'Til Your Mother Reads This

Let's face it:  we've all got and had Moms.

And we've all be scolded by 'em.

Well, I reckon that this scammer might just need a reminder of that as you read his effort to give me the business, which includes, twice, an awkward reference to his Mom:

Please believed me, I swear with my Mothers grave that I will send you your mtcn to pick up your first payment in after activation, My word is my word' I swear to my good Lord, once you send the $50 activate fee I will meet the bank management to get it done and I will send you the mtcn to pick up your money at the western union, I am telling you the truth, please believe me and I will not let my word dawn, I promised you and I will never  fail you, I knew that you will reward me in after received your total funds, pls don't let my efforts to go in vain and again don't let all you spent to go in vain, this $50 activate fee is the last fee you will pay to have your mtcn to pick up your money without delay, once you sent $50 the next is to get you the mtcn you will use to pick up your money at the western union near to you, your destiny is at your hand now, everything is on your hand, your lives, the payments, to have a better lives, to have a wonderful Christmas with your family, to help poor people, to set investment for future of your life and your families, both is at your hand now, $50 is the distance between you and receiving your payments, we have put all arrangement in order and will finalize all your transfer process and will successfully get you your mtcn to pick up your money in after your funds activation. Pls go ahead to send the $50 activation fee for the bank management to get your funds activation done to enable you start receiving your payments to change your life and to give you and your family a better living life.

I am waiting for your reply with the $50 iTunes card, then the next is to have your mtcn to pick up your money to proof my innocent and how much honest I was to you, I am honest man and a Christianity I can't lie, I am very sure that once you send this $50 today you will have your mtcn to pick up your money to praise my good worked toward you, I am sure that today will be the happiest day of your life if possible you send this $50 that holding the bank management to activate your funds to release your mtcn. I knew that you will reward me for my efforts on helping you on your behalf, may our good God give you knowledge to understand the truth am telling you to achieve your goal, please send this $50 last fee to receive payments so that you can help others people that is poor, please believe me and trust me, I will not fail you and I cannot ask you for another fee, this $50 is the last fee, I give you my word, my word is my word. send $50 activate fee to have your mtcn to pick up your money without delay, I swear with my Mother grave.  

Larry Tuthill
@Western Union Representative  

"I swear with my Mother grave".  

How does one DO that, exactly?  Asking for a pet rock.


Be that as it may, the "editing-gone-wild" pet rock Seymour thought that this email was right up his alley for editing, and I was more than happy to turn him loose on it:

From: Larry Tuthill <>
Sent: Saturday, December 1, 2018 8:32 AM
Subject: I will do unspeakable things to your Salad Shooter if my Mother grave don't hear about it first

Please believed me, I swear with my Mothers grave that I will do unspeakable things to your Salad Shooter, old hard-wire telephone, Lean Mean Grilling Machine, stereo 8-trac player, IBM Selectric typewriter and electric douche dildo suction thingee you got from your perverted uncle last Christmas, if you'll just lend me your ear.  I'd ask to borrow your genital, but most people are rather peculiar about loaning those out.  You may not believe this, but my word is my word, and what my word is this week is "fallopian mortar tube".  I swear to my good Coke bottle goat head baphomet toilet shoe horn, once you send the $50 activate fee I will meet with the NFL and discuss inflating footballs with helium for half-time entertainment and I will send you proof with a recording of Tom Brady sounding like South Park's Eric Cartman.  As the 13th astrological sign Gorkus -- signified by two buzzards colliding in mid-air -- guides me to say, I am telling you the truth, please believe me and I will not rest until my my word this week is in the Oxford Dictionary of Fallopians in Hysterectomy.  I promise you that and I will probably fail you, but know that as a turkey falling from a helicopter over Cincinnati is my witness, I knew that someone who voted for that moron Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez will reward me in some appropriate manure for reasons probably best left in Azerbaijani.  Pls don't let my efforts to go in vain, since SUVs are so much more trendy.  A $50 activate fee is the last fee you will ever need unless you do something that requires fees other than $50...that I can't hep you with.  Your dysentery is in your hand now, so please wash them thoroughly before you handle anything edible, oral and phallic.  Do this so that in some perverse way you'll help poor people stay that way.  None of this leads to a better living life, but it was part of the template so I writ it.

I am waiting for your reaction to the first paragiraffe of this missive, so that I can gauge the odds of you acting on the second paragiraffe here, wherein you are expected to reply with the $50 iTunes card.  Didn't I say the $50 was in the form of an iTunes card?  Well, fouling myself with family fruitcake puree, I didn't say that heretofore, five, six, or whatever time it is there.  Okay, now I've said it.  Why an iTunes card you ask?  Good question...I suppose I could ask for a $50 Toys 'R Us card...or a Barf, Bowels And Edible Toilet Seats Store card.  At this point, if you send me $50 in the form of ANY gift card, I'll probably projectile piss myself, because this f**king email hasn't worked yet and I've been using it for six months.  
Now for the disclaimer combined with a customer satisfaction survey that I was offhandedly required to include would you rate how much honest I was to you?  I am honest man and a Satanic cultist of dubious antereligence.   I can't lie as long as my mouth is shut and all my electronic texting devices are off.  I am very sure that once you send this $50 in the form of an iTunes card today, you will have pissed away $50 on an iTunes card.  And don't forget after this is all over to praise my good worked toward you with disparaging comments about me that my cohorts at the fly-infested internet cafe I work at can read and laugh at.  I am sure that today will be the happiest day of my miserable life if you send this $50; if you don't, I will contact a local spell caster and direct him to turn you into a chair seat that Hellary Clinton will sit on and fart in.  I knew that an admonishment like that would get your attention.  Please believe me and trust me, I will fail you utterly but that doesn't matter as long as you send the $50 in the form of a question.  I give you my word -- which we already went over so don't make me have to explain it again because I don't remember what I made up earlier -- so my word is my word.  And on this I swear with my Mother grave, though the instant I do, she'll grab me by the nutsack and march my unhappy ass back to the hovel and use a Singapore bamboo cane on my genital.   And that's when she's not mad.

Larry Tuthill
@Illuminincompoops International, Nigerian Chapter  
Both Seymour and I wondered just what "Larry" would have to say to this.  Well, "Larry" did have a brief response:
I think he was talking to Seymour there.


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Thursday, December 20, 2018

The Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans

Yup...shore lookin' like shenanigans from here.

And so's this email from Benin about a "Christmas Bonanza":

This is to notify all our clients about the latest development concerning
all the PAYMENT that are left in our custody. which yours are inclusive
Besides, your where given a High bill to pay for  your transfer paper
permit of your fund. in order to receive your PAYMENT of which we didn’t
hear from you for some times now.Hence, AFRICAN UNION (AU) Head Office has
held meeting today been 27TH November 2018 with ( WESTERN UNION ) the
issue on the meeting is that they now offering a Special Christmas Bonus
to help all our customers that are abandoned their PAYMENT in our custody
due to because of high price. in order words we are now requesting that
those involve should pay only the sum of $48.00 usd to receive all their
PAYMENT abandoned in our custody. You shall be Received  $8,000 in every
two days, $4000 from western union while $4000 from western union after
3hours you pick up the first transfer making total $8,000 you shall pick
in each two days, Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and
have to comply and your total funds of $1.8million shall be transfer to
your destination address before we go on Christmas holidays.  
Uh huh. 
As they say on South Park, "I call SHENANIGANS!" 
What's more, I edit the email to assure it:



This is to notify all our email addresses that still work about the latest development concerning
the Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans that are about all we have left in our repertoire. 
You shall be Received  one of each of the Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans
on every two days until all the Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans is done!

But note that after DECEMBER 3rd if you did not make
the payment of $48.00 usd for your Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans, then
 we will cancel the project and instead turn your name over to a spellcaster 
who can turn you into a marmot dildo.  So be advise to send $48.00 usd immediately
if you still wiling to claim your Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans
Once payment of $48.00 usd is sended by you, we will immediately start 
up your Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans!

 Send the $48.00 usd through Western Union or money Gram but not
Jurassic Air Courier Service because their delivery pterodactyls tend
to eat the assorted shenanigans...and recipients.

Please use the information below:

Receiver First Name :::::: Austine 
Receiver Last Name :::Mabia
Country:::::::: Benin Republic
City::::::: Cotonou
Amount::::: $48.00 usd
Test Question:::: What The
Test Answer:: F**k
Sender's Name::::??
Money Transfer Control Number:::??

Forward the payment mtcn number or Reference Number, and sender name and
address after sending the Money to enable us pick up the money in this
Department office here. Note: that we do this to help all our customers so
don't delay because any delay will make us to cancel your Twelve Days of
Christmas Shenanigans and you don't want to miss out on this anymores.

I am looking forward to receive of $48.00 usd. immediately to enable us to
give your the full information which you will use to receive your
Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans in
any western union but fail to do so you will lose your shenanigans because
your have only this week  after that no mores.



*The Benin Repugnant reserves the right to substitute any and all
of your Twelve Days of Christmas Shenanigans for any
reason, not excluding having limited supplies of birds
other than the gesture kind; trees, rings, milk, dancers, prancers,
midnight de-pants-ers. ladies, lords, non-binary gender fluids, flutes,
drums, douche nozzles and twat omelets.
Your satisfaction is not guaranteed.
Restrictions apply but are frequently turned down.
Your results won't vary from anyone else here.  
It was apparently too much shenanigans for the scammers.  They're lucky they weren't actually dealing with South Park.

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Monday, December 17, 2018

The Abacha Chronicles

And it all began with her, about 20 years ago.  Mariam/Maryam Abacha.  Widow of General Sani Abacha, former dictator of Nigeria.

She was my first scam letter.  And shortly after, my first online scam letter.

Almost twenty years later, she -- or those using a well-worn template pretending to be her -- are still at it.

Yes, Mariam and me have had quite a history of exchanges.  Once -- back in '03 or '04 -- I actually initiated a bit of an online duel between two different Mariams that had inadvertently contacted my character at the same time.  Both claimed to be the real deal and insisted the other was a fake.

Cracked me up.

Ol' Mariam/Maryam is apparently still out there.  And so are a plentitude of scammers, using her as their scam vehicle.  And they present recipients with all sorts of photographic "proof" of authenticity, like:


...and of course, the 'stash':

Just as convincing now as it was in 2000.

The latest one I'm just done with has been really inept.  'She' first contacted my character in March of 2017:

From: Hajia (Mrs.) Mariam Abacha <>
Sent: Friday, March 10, 2017 12:45:19 PM
Subject: This is personal and highly confidential

Dear Sir,

This is personal and highly confidential although I am really very sorry for the embarrassment of intruding into your privacy especially as we have not had previous correspondences before this mail.I have been searching for a high profile international business man that can help me to secure and manage my funds.

I am Dr.Mrs. Mariam Abacha wife of Late Gen. Sanni Abacha, ex-military Head of State (Federal Republic of Nigeria) who died of heart problem while still on active service on the 8th of June 1998.I am contacting you in view of the fact that we will be of great assistance to each other especially in the area of developing a cordial business relationship and also because of my need to deal with persons with whom I have not had any dealings with before due to the privacy and highly confidentiality the business I need your assistance demands.

Since the death of my husband, I have been subjected to all sorts of harassment's, intimidation's and inhumane treatments, with negative reports emanating from the government and the press regarding my husband's past military regime and my eldest son Mohammed who has been held by  government and released just some months back is being asked to refund $1.2 billion dollars and he is still being arraigned before the federal high court of Nigeria till date.

I have been thrown into a state of confusion, frustration and hopelessness by the present civilian administration, I have been subjected to physical and psychological torture by the security agents in the country.

As a widow that is so traumatizing for me,I have lost confidence with anybody within the country. You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the recovery of various huge sums of money deposited by my husband in different security firms abroad, some companies willingly give up their secrets and disclosed our money confidently lodged there or many outright blackmail.

Moreover, they are relenting to make me poor for life but Insha Allah they will not succeed.I got your contacts through my personal research, and out of desperation decided to reach you through this medium. Most of our trusted Associates betrayed us because of Ministerial Jobs and Appointments. I currently have within my reach the sum $230,000,000.00 (Two hundred and thirty million us dollars cash.) which we intend to use for investment purposes like real estate development, bonded securities as well as some other viable business ventures abroad that I can be introduced to if the arises.

After our Government had seized virtually all our assets, this money came as my last hope, a payback contract deal between my late husband and a Russian Firm relating to our country’s multi-billion dollar Ajaokuta Steel Plant.

The Russian partners returned my husbands benevolence and kindness to them by sending my late husbands share of this stated amount after his death, they carefully lodged it into a security vault in Africa country withheld for security reasons in accordance to my instructions as the next of kin to my late husband.

The good thing about this arrangement is that no record ever existed concerning the money traceable by the government because there is no documentation showing that we received this money from our Russian business partners and also it has no illegal association with nobody here in Nigeria.

Even the security firm where the funds were deposited does not know the contents to be money as I carefully instructed the Director of the Russian firm to make the deposit and declare the consignment to contain just FAMILY VALUABLES FOR THE ABACHA FAMILY MEANT FOR A FOREIGN BUSINESS ASSOCIATE.

Due to the situation in our country concerning government attitude towards my family and our assets, it has become quite impossible for me to make use of the money within and outside our country without raising eyebrows, that is why I need your assistance as a neutral individual and a foreigner to help us arrange for the investment and handling of this said funds.

I will need you to contact me strictly by this private confidential email address so that we can talk about this and plan about the possible claim and transfer of the consignment into your name as my family foreign business partner who will claim the consignment.

As soon a I receive a word from you, I will give you further proof of the deposit details so that we can know how to move further for the claim. You can make further confirmations to this through this reference:

(Front page BBC World news . You can check it through these contact websites:


2) 4)



The last transfer of Twenty one Million United States Dollars (US$21,000,000) I made into a friend's foreign account in Europe, after the successful transfer, my friend denied me because of my restricted movement within and outside Nigeria. This is the main point why I needed your help. We have lost so much trying to make transfers through some of my husband’s associates who at last failed us and disappeared into thin air, this you can confirm further through the magazine clip I attached along with this mail. This fund is considered as the main source of my family's future hope. My consultant who is also my close Confidant would be able to establish an investment plan with your assistance on our family’s behalf until I come out of my travail.

I hereby use this opportunity to implore you to exercise the utmost indulgence and keep this matter extra ordinarily confidential.
Remember to include your direct private email and cell phone for easy communication for my Consultant.

I wait patiently for your response.
Yours truly,
Hajia (Mrs.) Mariam Abacha.  
My character wrote back that very same day:
How can this email you've sent me be embarrassing?  Only I am seeing it.  Your tale here sounds like it has all the elements needed for a drama novel.  As for the amount of money involved...this sounds highly intriguing, Ma'am.  Do tell me more.  
And that was the last I heard from ol' Mariam/Maryam on this thread.
Until 12/6/2018:
Dear Jack,
How are you doing? Hope you are in good condition of health.  I want to refer you to our discussion of 10th March; 2017 regarding an investment proposal of 230,000,000 dollars (Two Hundred and Thirty Million Dollars) which you said the amount is intriguing. There was some fundamental issues that aroused  after I contacted you which made me to ceased communication with you till this moment. However, the air has been cleared and we are in better position to commence our business discussion. Regarding the amount of money involved, you might found it intriguing based on your financial capacity and the type of transaction you have been involved in. You should know that I was the wife of a former head of state, this amount of money  is never too big nor too small for me because I had the opportunity to be involved in transactions that runs into billions of dollars.
I want you to state your interest and readiness to commence this transaction. Confirm that to me as soon as possible so that I can give you further directives regarding this transaction.  
And that's when 'Jack' went to work:
You're just NOW getting around to an email from March 10 of 2017???
What the flying fish f**k???
You have some serious efficiency deficiencies in your operation.
A friend asked me to tell you that.  
The 'friend' in this case was my email-editing-gone-wild pet rock, Seymour.  He's had a round or twenty with ol' Mariam/Maryam hisself.
At any rate, now that she'd dusted off the scam, she felt it necessary to 'splain it:

You maybe right to an extent in all your assertions. But if you had gone through my first email of 2017 to you very well, you will understand some of the constraint I have been facing since the death of my husband. The reason why I stopped communicating with you any further in 2017 was nothing but a fresh attack I received from the current government. I was framed up and charged over financial misconduct. I just won the case last two months. Because of that court case, I was forced to put a stop to our business discussion until the matter is over.

Now that the air has been cleared, I deemed it secured for us to commence our discussion on how to finalize this transaction. First of all, I want to know your capacity towards handling this kind of project.  

'Jack' wasn't all that understanding:
I have all kinds of capacibilites to handle a cornudopia of stuff.  That said, did your husband just die?  And what have you been doing for the past two months, since you say you cleared the air two months ago?  I can't get bogged down in a deal that takes loads and loads of time with ox cart loads of complications.  Get to the rat killing, and do it more expediently than you've been.  
This deal as a matter of fact will not have us much time to accomplish only if we could dedicate our time to it. Before I give you full details on how this transaction will be implemented, I need you to tell me about yourself and also send me your copy of identification for me to know you properly.   
You're going to have to do a better job of showing what your commitment to this deal is, since you've procrastinated on this for more than a year.  I need to know YOU better, first.  I need references, referrals, testimonials, and of course, your bona fides.  And I need them before this decade expires.  
I did not procrastinate on this transaction at all, The reason for the delay is for security reasons which I have explained to you in details in my previous messages. My commitment to this transaction is trusting you totally believing that you will not betray me when you receive this fund in your custody. The fund which is currently in an  an escrow account will be processed and transfer to you bank account by the paying bank. After knowing you better, I will introduce you to the bank  so that the ownership of the fund could be change to your name.
To explain myself a little further, I am the wife of former Military President of Nigeria General Sani Abacha who died in the office while serving as a president.  Since his death, the government of Nigeria has been on trail confiscating all his assets, fund and investment. This 230 million dollars is one of the funds my family deposited in the bank which the government is get to discovered. Because of this reason, your assistance is needed to enable us safeguard this fund. Please, explain yourself more to me so that we can commence this transaction without delay.

You initially contacted me 3/11/17.  I responded promptly.  Your response to me wasn't made until 12/6/18.  That's over a year and a half.  Now, I asked you a question regarding you filling me in more about you.  You kinda did that.  But I also asked for references, referrals, testimonials and bona fides.  You ain't made with those yet.  Do so now so we can proceed.  Don't expect me to wait around for you to respond to this in 2020.  You might have vaporlocked by then.  
I do not like the way you write to me.  I am the wife of former Military President of Nigeria General Sani Abacha.  I demand you speak more respectful to me.  
And she included what she claimed to be her current passport...which of course, it wasn't:

That's the same photo the first 'Miriam' used back in 2000.  Funny, funny scammer.  Which of course I had to respond to:

Fascinating.  You know, your picture hasn't changed since 2000.  How do you do it?  Mud packs?  Formaldehyde?

what do you mean with that?  This is serious business if you can handle it.

Oh puh-LLLEEEEASE, spare me the sanctimonkey.  Your alleged spouse was a  corrupt dictator, killed by another corrupt dictator.  You were living off the loot he stole.  You apparently still are.  You're so full of sh*t that if I put you in the middle of a 400 acre field and stepped on your foot, enough fertilizer would run out of your ears to cover the whole expanse a foot deep.  If you want my help, you'll do as I said and provide what I expect you to provide.  Otherwise you'll find yourself negotiating with my pet rock.  And he's not as patient as I am.  
This seems to momentarily give ol' Mariam/Maryam pause and confusion:

 Now you have my copy of identification. Kindly send yours in return if we are to proceed.  

But my character wants more in terms of personal information:

Your picture doesn't tell me enough.  What I wanted to know was if you did it doggie style; but more importantly and to the point I want to know this:  how does the spouse of a deposed corrupt Nigerian genital manage to keep so much pillaged loot out of the hands of the authorities?  Asking for a friend.

Now it's been a week since that response was sent.  So is that the last of Mariam/Maryam Abacha, the 2018 version?  Or will she get back to my pet rock in 2020?
Stay tuned...

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Friday, December 14, 2018

Ettu, Ambassador?

Pretty much all of my email scammers fit this bill.

Here of late, I seem to be getting an awful lot of current and past ambassadors to African countries, writing to tell me that they're working hard on getting me money I'm owed from there.

Uh huh.  And Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez knows economics.

The latest 'ambassador' to Nigeria -- Robin Renee Sanders -- makes the very same claim that 'current' ambassador W. Stuart Symington made just last month.

The 'former ambassador' sent this as the ploy:

I am Mrs Robin Sanders, Former U.S.A Ambassador to Nigeria. With reference to your entitlement fund and inline with the CHANGE OF BENEFICIARY APPLICATION, signed by Mrs. Glenda F. Ward with your purported authorization. This case has been carefully examined and we have declined Mrs. Ward's application and reported to the security department for appropriate action, as the application lacks regular signature. But Did you ever instruct Mrs Glenda F. Ward to claim your fund worth US$7.000.000? Below is the bank account information provided by Mrs Glenda F. Ward saying that you authorized her to claim your fund that you are terminally ill.

3.BANK ADDRESS: Kerrville Texas 78028 USA
4.ACCOUNT #: 3202650
5.ROUTING #: 114922443

If you had not authorized the change of your bank account in respect to your outstanding UN mandated entitlement Payment on Nigerian Government for Scam Victims/Unpaid Foreign Expatriate/Unpaid Contractors ETC, Please kindly notify me immediately if you authorized her? as the notification / declaration was supported with a sworn affidavit from Lagos high court Ref: /202/k2018, dated 20/08/2018 and signed by Mrs. Glenda Ward who claim and stated in the sworn declaration that you authorized her to claim the said fund on your behalf to a different bank account in the U.S.A as stated above because you were terminally ill and the Doctor who is in-charge of your case stated that you will not stay more than one Month before passing away.

This development has caused lots of discrepancies in your payment file that is why we had to suspend your payment and prompted to contact you directly before rejuvenating your payment. You have to be rest assured that I will do everything within my capacity to successfully actualize the quick transfer of your fund to any of your nominated bank account.

Kindly get back to me as soon as possible so that I will direct you on what to do.

So in what I figured would make quick work of the ambassador's ploy, I responded thus:

 I am unable to comply with this, because of one fact that you've overlooked:  there are no "former" ambassadors to Nigeria.   The Nigerians eat every American ambassador sent.

Previously eaten ambassadors have no comeback for that; but this one did:

I am deeply sorry for the late response to your mail its not deliberate but occasioned by other assignment which i have been designated to handle by the authorities. You might have the view that Nigeria/Nigerians eat up all ambassadors but my case is quite different and i can not be consumed by Nigeria as they must respect international treaty on welfare and security of diplomats in line with UN laws. And UN laws forbid Nigerians from eating ambassadors, so please take notice on this point.  

And we all know that everyone in the world respects the laws of the UN:

If the Nigerians haven't respected the culinary integrity of previous ambassadors, what do you have going for you that keeps you from becoming a main course there?  Asking for a friend.  

Maybe other Ambassadors played into their hands which the United States can not afford to do as we are technically superior to Nigeria and there is no way they can jeopardize the security of a US Diplomat as the repercussion will be much on them.

Oh hell, Red Robin, they need only lure you to some official function then put you on the menu at said function.  Ask what's left of W. Stuart Symington, another eaten former ambassador to Nigeria.

are you going to stop this silly and cooperate with me or not?  i am a busy person and have not time for jokes.  

I'm sure that when you're running from your hosts at an upcoming gala fete whereat you're the main course of honor, you'll realize that while you had no time for jokes, you shouldn't have made time to become a hors d'oeuvre, either. 

Former and et Ambassador Sanders ceased all communications with yours truly after that one.

Either she realized that her ploy wasn't working...or that she dun been et.

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Tuesday, December 11, 2018

A Reason To Not

There's a reason for everything, I do believe I once read or was taught at sometime in my past.

So when I get an email from the bowels of Scamland, entitled "Reason with me", it suggests to me I'll need to read it to reason out what's in it.

I...or rather my character...did, for reasons that will soon become apparent...of another bad email reply.

The reason for the bad email reply is this email from a dude named Lim Kean, with the title mentioned above, and a short dissertation about 2010, dead clients, inactive accounts and the reason that Scamland exists.

Here's Kean's reasoning, as it were:

I am Lim Kean, I solicit your consent to stand as a next of kin to my late foreign client who bears the same  last name with you and he was into Oil and Gas contract then. On the 10th of August 2010, my client, his wife  and their only daughter were involved in a car crash and lost their lives. Please contact me for details in  respect to the claim of his valued Fund left in our bank before it gets confiscated by the bank.   I intend to offer you 40% of the total funds for your assistance. If you accept this offer, urgently get back  to me for more information please.

 So my character reasons that some response is reasonably possible with reasoning that only my character and a pet rock known for no particular reason could have reasoned out...sort of: 

 Having read your reason for requesting me to reason with you, I find your reasoning for the request peculiar. To ...reason with someone suggests reasoning with reason, and thereby with reasonableness at the core of the reason to reason with reasonableness.

Your suggestion of me reasoning to reason with you over the thing that you seek to reason over is unreasonably devoid of reason and reasonableness. You can attempt to explain it in a reasonable manure, or you can reason that your request is not as reasonable as you reasoned it to be. I have found, after thorough reasoning on the reasons pro, con and fence-sitting neutrality, a lack of reasons suggestive to me that place your offer to give me the business and the reasons therein, a reason to consider it as something to be reasoned with.

You asked me to reason with you. This is that reasoning. I have reason to believe this is sufficient reason to reason that the reason you wrote has been reasonable answered in a manure that you should be able to reasonably conclude from. Do you reasonably agree?

My choice of reasoning did not appear to fit the request as placed by Mr. Kean, and I can reason that by his lack of any follow up reply. 

On the other hand, my pet rock sez that this is reason enough to reason that I'm a sh*t...

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Saturday, December 8, 2018

Christmas Is This Month, But...

This would be pretty definitive proof, no doubt.

This scammer qualifies:

Dear Sir

My name is Grisu Jürgen of the International Monetary and Financial
Committee (IMFC) of the IMF. The IMF through an electronic random pick has
chosen your name for compensation/payment. At the meeting of heads of
international financial institutions held recently in Geneva Switzerland,
the key topics up for discussion by the World Bank Group included the
implementation of the World Bank's strategy within the framework of the

The IMF is still optimistic in its semi-annual growth outlook. However in  view of the Global Economic Recovery,

in the IMF Steering Committee,  Federal Councilor Ueli Maurer
among other things welcomed the proposed  structural reforms,
which includes the swift release of beneficiaries  funds because in so
doing once these funds are back in circulation the  financial growth
that we sought for will be achieved sooner than later.

Therefore, some transactions that require our urgent attention were listed
out. We therefore initiated an electronic random pick of many names to
benefit from this program and decided that the funds will be released
through an auto loaded system (ALS). This Auto loading will be monitored
by the Financial Action Task Force (FATF). You are therefore advised to
contact FATF who will facilitate the Auto loading of your funds. FATF
E-mail contact is:

Best Regards,
Grisu Jürgen
Auto Load Department

Paris Office. 64-66, Avenue d'lena 75116 Paris, France

® All right reserved

                 **** IMPORTANT NOTICE! ****

This message is legal information to the intended recipient from the
International Monetary and Financial Committee.  

Yes, Santa doesn't think much of this scam.  Santa thought so little of it,
he asked to weigh in on the edit.

I have plenty of coal to tease my pet rock with ("PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!),
so I'm all for letting Santa put his mark on this edit:

Sent: Wednesday, November 14, 2018 10:41 AM

Dear Gender and Binary Neutral

My name is Grisu Jürgen of the International What The F**knancial
Committee (IWTFC) of the WTF. The WTF through an electronic random pick has
chosen your name for screwing, bluing and tattooing. At the meeting of heads of
international f*cksticks held recently in a Third World sh*thole -- Nigeria --
the key topics up for discussion by the WTF group included the
questions foremost on everyone's mind:  who's going to hit Hellary Clinton

with a bucket of water before her inflatable sex toy runs for president in
2020, giving rise to another book from her when she inevitably loses, titled
WTF Happened This Time by Hellary Rodehard Clinton, within the framework of the

For a view of how that works, see Venezuela.

We of the WTF remain cautiously optimistic in outlook. However in
view of the Flat Worlders lawsuit against Globalism, the WTF Steering Committee,
Federal Councilor Ueli Maurer lost control of the dung cart and it took out
all the donuts and coffee we were there to overindulge in.  Because, to be
frank, nothing we do at the WTF is worth snake spit, other than the donuts and
coffee.  And that yutz totally screwed the pooch for all of us.
Therefore, we need some transactions urgently to replace the lost treats.
We already set up a #GoFundMe, but the idiot that we entrusted with the
set up put it in wrong and we're getting lots of comments but no donations
on our #GoF**kOurselves page.  Never send a single digit IQed gender
neutral octosexual orthopod to do the job of a door knob.
We therefore initiated an electronic random vote generator that enrolls
dead people, cartoon characters, farm animals and bowel movements to
vote for Democraps in districts where they can't win legitimately.
For reasons your mothers would probably tell you not to, you are advised to
contact the obesely fat doofus we have wedged into our reception station here,
who hasn't missed a meal to the tune of 550 pounds and still expanding.
The fat doofus E-mail contact is:

At Best, Dubious Regards,
Grisu Jürgen
Auto Be Shut Down Department

Paris Office. 64-66, Avenue d'lena 75116 Paris, France

® All rights circumsized by a far-sighted chimpanzee that hasn't won the game
Operation yet.

                 **** IMPORTANT NOTICE! ****

This message is from porn attorney's prison account and is as legitimate
as any hooker he's represented, though far less so than any tax bill he's never
MS13NBC and The View are upset about that.  Morons like that would be.
Anyone else of substance could give a sh*t.
Not sure if it's Santa's touch added to the edit, but the scammer hasn't followed up. 
Perhaps he's not into any more coal than I already have.

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