Monday, July 24, 2017

#1300 Ain't A Lucky Number

Katie shore don' think so.

Yes, this is post 1300.  Unbelievable.

I'm sure that Bannister Evans Thomas won't be all that pleased to be a part of it.

But he is.

Read his well-worn opening gambit:

No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {}

Dear Friend

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a surprise.This is
because we have not met before but I am inspired to sending you this email
following the huge fund transfer opportunity that will be of mutual
benefit to the two of us.

However, I am Barrister Evans Thomas Attorney to the late Engr.Ronald
Johnson, a national of Northern American, who used to work with Shell
Petroleum Development Company(SPDC) in Nigeria . On the 11th of
November,2008. My client,his wife And their three children were involved
in a car accident along Sagamu/Lagos Express Road.

Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident,
Since then I have made several inquiries to several Embassies to locate
any of my clients extended relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his
relatives over the Internet to locate any member of his family but of no
avail, hence I contacted you to assist in repatriating the money and
property left behind by my client,I can easily convince the bank with my
legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my client.
Otherwise the Estate he left behind will be confiscated or declared
unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposits were
lodged.Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at
about $15 million U.S dollars(Fifteen million U.S.America dollars).

Consequently,The bank issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or
have the account confiscated within the next ten official working days.
Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over several
years now.I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin to the
deceased,so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15million U.S
dollars can be paid to your account and then you and me can share the
money. 55% to me and 40% to you,while 5% should be for expenses or tax as
your government may require.  

I have every reason to believe that as surprised as my character was supposed to have been to receive this email, Bannister Evans Thomas will be just as surprised by what my character dun widdit:

From: Barr. Evans Thomas <>
Sent: Wednesday, May 24, 2017 1:06 AM
Subject: Boom lacka lacka lacka boom
No: 15 Allen Avenue
Ikeja ,Lagos.
Email: {}

Tacka Tallawhacky Brown

It is obvious that this proposal will come to you as a wet dream triggered by visions of Nancy Bela Pelosi dildoing a fire hydrant.

You need better dreams.  This is probably because you use substandard hallucinogens at work.
WTF is up with that?  Doesn't Obolascare give you the cheapest in hallucinogens?

Be that as it might never had been if you'd growd a brain, I am Bannister Evans Thomas, Atturkey-at-law, representing asordid Northern Americans whose names I lifted from a Minnysoda rural phone book. 
Being from Nigeria, I have little else to do but that, finger my bung hole, write assorted incantations to the Nigerian illuminincompoop baphomet Ogun Douche Canoe, or play like I'm a real atturkey like you seed on Law & Odor. 
But I do believe I am digressing...I am working off a badly writ talking points list and I am to tell you that I am reprehensing a Northern Americans who used to work with Smell Petroleum Jelly Development Company(SPJDC) in Nigeria.   On the 11th of Never in 2016, my client, the goat he married in a bizarre ceremonkey and their three marmots were involved in a plain crash when the yak cart they were riding in was incredibly lost -- we don't have yaks in Nigeria -- and crossed in the path of the only Boeing 747 to land at the international airport outside of Lagos in the past 25 years. 
 The plain didn't hit them; but it scared the yak so bad that it unleashed a monumental fart at the very moment the jet engines were in immediate proximity, igniting the fart and frying everyone in the cart.

The post accident BBQ was enjoyed by all but a couple from the UK, who are still vomiting.

Since then I have made several inquiries to several movie and TV producers about doing a weekly sitcom about it called Yakity Flak, but so far I am unable to locate any producers willing to front the idea.  I wasn't even able to get Berkeley Breathed from Bloom County or Trey Parker and Matt Stone from South Park to bite on an episode.  The Kardashians expressed some interest as a way to boost sagging ratings, but who wants to be involved with ol' Liberty Bell Butt?

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace the events of that day back to a common demominator, but Barbara Billingsley isn't returning my calls.  Snooty hollywad stars...even when dead they're stuck up.

Thus with all other avenues blocked by construction and cone zones, I contacted you to assist in this rather dubious affair.  Since everyone here is dumber than a door knob, I can easily convince the bank with my shady and unethical legal practice that you are the only surviving relation of my fried and et clients.  Otherwise, Brian Williams will be claiming he was here when it all went down, and that he's entitled to one half of Kim Kardashian's butt to co-anchor with him on pmsnbc.
He can have it all, but I digress.  

Consequently, I am being sued by The Cannibal Channel for failure to invite them to the BBQ involving my clients.  So I need a new client to hopefully pay for whatever it'll cost me to deal with them.  They charge by the ounce.

All I require is your gullible cooperation to enable us see this deal make it on a YouTube viral expose that shows you to be a real twat waffle.  In keeping with that notion I need the swallowing from you:

Your Full Name:
Your House Address:
Your Tele-phone And Fax No:
Your Age and Gender :
Your Nationality:
Your Occupation:

I guarantee that this will be executed in the most heinous manure possumbull -- better than Kim Jong Un can imagine -- and under an illegitimate arrangement that will protect me from you in case you grow a brain before I can pull this off.  Please get in touch with me VIA this my confidential email { }

Bannister Evans Thomas . { SAN }

Of all the replies the scammer could have sent -- including taking the option of none -- he picked the wrong one:

I am not eating peoples you jerk.  

So you prefer to knaw on them one at a time?  You should have chosen the path of the zombie, which only wants to eat brains.  Then again, that's why you chose what you did.  See what I just did there?

Stop writing me.  

I didn't write 'me'.  I wrote you.  You're not going to make a good zombie at this rate.  

The good bannister had had enough repartee with my character after that...yes, ol' 1300 wasn't lucky for him. 

Labels: , , ,


Blogger Sandee said...

he's not eating people, so stop writing. Bwahahahahahahaha.

Have a fabulous day, Mike. My best to Seymour and Element. ☺

24 July, 2017 08:37  

Post a Comment

<< Home