Tuesday, January 31, 2017

A Pet Rock's Thoughts On Calexit

My pet rock, Seymour, has been to California twice, hosted by his good friend Sandee.

Despite some of his misadventures there, Seymour enjoyed it (note:  the photo here is one the blog author took in 1988 along the coastal highway).

So when he sees a post about California wanting to secede from the US because Donald Trump was elected -- all because of Hollywad outrage that their favored corrupt vagina didn't win because the election was all about electing the first vagina, regardless of substance -- Seymour sees an article literally SCREAMING for an edit.

Rather like the costumed loons that marched in DC a day after Trump's inaugural.

Thus, Seymour and WTFNS (WTF News Soivice) -- at least as reliable as cnn these days -- brings you:

Officials announce proposal that would establish Kaliforlornia as a Third World outhouse

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

  A proposal in Kaliforlornia – after years of leftist control and corrosion – has been submitted to the Suckretary of State’s Office on Thursday campaigning for the state to secede from the United States and complete its fiscal and infrastructural ruin.

The proposed “Kalphuckit” initiative would ask illegal, dead, made up and intellectual equivalents of tree stump voters to repeal reality and make it a stand alone compost heap.

A recent poll suggested that one in three Kaliforlornia residents have no idea what “is” is, but would vote against any meaning of “is” due to their Hollywad-fueled (and fooled) opposition to President Donald Trump. No mention has been made of safe zones from trigger words or who's going to pay for the cupcakes, puppy videos and unicorns crapping rainbow ice cream when this hairbrained scheme finishes wrecking the state.

If the proposal qualifies for the ballot and is approved by anarchists and abject dumbasses, it could be a step to a future vote on whether the state was stupid to listen to anarchists and abject dumbasses.

Moron this...

      • Poll reveals 5 in 1 Kaliforlornians took Crummy Core Math

      • Joss Whedon's inner vagina outrages feminincompoops by proposing making Bloody Cock Up the official song of Kaliforlornia

Suckretary of State Boneless Nachos said the group beneath the proposal, Let's Finish Off Kaliforlornia, was cleared to begin manufacturing 600,000 voter signatures needed to place the plan on the ballot. Illegal aliens, CGI images, Hollywad celebrities in genital costumes, dead people and mistakes from computer auto correction pogroms will easily make that mark, asserted one made up spokesgenital for the group.   

The Los Angeles Mimes – sourcing Brian Williams – reported that the supporters of the proposal are channeling Che Guevera who telepathically commands via hallucinagen-induced drivel from The View that Kaliforlornia wants to be more like an anarchist parasite, which does not share the same cultural ideas as the rest of America.

Similar attempts to break up Kaliforlornia into multiple states have failed because Dr. Miguelito Loveless was thrwarted repeatedly by James West of the US Secret Service.

The proposed constipational addendumb, titled Kaliforlornia Crash 'n Burn, would also ask mythical electors to appoint Hellary Clinton as Queen in 2020 and launch drone strikes on Catalina Island, in case there are any recalcitrant Trump voters living there. If approved by San Francisco harbor seals -- supporters are sure that free fish will win every last harbor seal over -- it calls for scheduling a vote in 2019 to ask voters, "Who Hit Annie In The Fanny With A Flounder and Was It Sexist To Use A Flounder If It Was Wearing A Vaginal Costume?"

"America already hates Kaliforlornia, and even at least a third of Kaliforlornia hate us too, so what the f**k," Doofus Evans, vice pimple of Let's Finish Off Kaliforlornia told the Los Angeles Mimes. "I think we'd have the votes today if we told everyone they were getting free sh*t, regardless of what it was."

The campaign must avoid having their internal emails hacked by the Russians and exposed on Wikileaks by July 25, or no soup for them. Hollywad is prepared to go on indefinite strike to support ice cream crapping unicorns it says the Trump Administration is going to deport.

WTFNS edited this report better than cnn routinely does.
Seymour thinks he might get an Oscar nomination on this one.

I told him that Oscar Mayer doesn't give those out.


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Saturday, January 28, 2017

Oh Gee-awd

My guardian angel is frequently looking like this when I do what I do.

Particularly when I respond to email scammers.

Especially ones that start out like this h'yar:

PLEASE CAN YOU DO THE WORK OF GOD (the face palm is already under way)

Dear Beloved,

I am pleased to write you this mail, with all hope that God will use you to deliver innocent suffering children in the world as am about to end the race. I am Mrs Ritha Marois Benoite the wife of late Engineer Ralph Benoite from Paris France but based here in Burkina Faso West Africa since eight years ago as a business woman dealing with gold exportation and Sales. We have been married for years before his sudden death although we were childless. I have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer and I have been battling with the sickness when my late lovely husband was alive.

My late Husband left the sum of US $7.900.000.00 Seven Million Nine Hundred Thousand United States Dollars in a fix/suspense account in one of the prime bank here in Burkina Faso. Recently, my Doctor told me that I will not exceed more than two more months due to cancer problem.

The one that disturbs me most is my blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to seek for your kind assistance to transfer this fund into your account and you will use it to establish an orphanage home in my name and train my adopted daughter who is 16 yrs old. You will take her as your God giving child and bring her up in a good and decent manner with what my late husband left behind.

I will give you more details about me and how I inherited all as soon as I receive your reply in my private email (ritamaroise163@yahoo.fr) to handle this project because I do not want to state all here until I see your reply, desire and commitment to handle this project. Please can you treat this as confidential and keep it as a secret for security reasons between both of us for the safety of my young innocent daughter. Reply me via my private email for more details about the project (ritamaroise163@yahoo.fr)

My Regards to your family.
Mrs Ritha Marois Benoite.  

My guardian angel was already going into *face palm* before I concocted my response here, on accounta cuz my guardian angel knows how my thrice-concussed mind works.

And misfires:

I am afraid that I cannot do the work of God:
-- I cannot turn water into wine
-- I can flood my apartment but cannot make it rain 40 days and 40 nights
-- I cannot recreate Heaven and Earth in six days but I can wreck a kitchen in minutes
-- I cannot explain to Adam how his rib became a very independent, unpredictable and unruly Eve, snakes and road apples aside
-- I cannot explain the genital puppets march in Washington DC (any more than I think that He can, frankly)
-- I cannot explain the Rubik's cube
-- when God farts, it's thunder and lightning; when I do, it just smells and clears occasional elevators
-- I cannot explain the chicken or the egg thing...only drumsticks and omelettes
-- I cannot explain how two sexes became 200 plus
-- I cannot explain unicorns missing the Ark and turning up millennia later to crap rainbow ice cream
-- I cannot explain Donald Trump's hair (Bloom County's Bill the Cat might try, but that's another matter)

-- I cannot explain the total lack of logic, sense and reason at the DNC
-- I cannot explain to Godzilla that he can't play accordion music with an articulated bus
-- I cannot explain to space aliens The Gong Show's demise
-- I cannot explain why bears, bulls, sharks, lions, runaway trucks, asteroids, volcanoes, tornadoes, tsunamis and earthquakes don't respect people taking selfies (again, any more than He can most likely)
-- I cannot explain why South Park makes me laugh
-- I cannot play God the way the late George Burns did

If you need someone to shovel sh*t, I can do that.  I just choose not to.
Anything else I can do for you?
The scammer was a bit not expecting this kind of reply apparently:
my emale was serous and you mock at me?  
I told you I couldn't do God's work...spelled it out and ever'thang.  But you...nooooooooo...you couldn't figger it out.  Yes I mock at you.  And point, laugh, guffaw, snort, chortle, giggle and just flat gut busting ROAR at you.  Any MORE questions?
Yes, my guardian angel is face palming on my behalf all the time.  Even my pet rock, Seymour, is getting the knack of the face palm.
He's also working on the clearing elevators thing...

*pet rock face palm in progress..*

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Wednesday, January 25, 2017

A Pet Rock Edits More Whiners

My pet rock, Seymour, has been almost as amused by the leftist whining since the November 2016 election, as he is with the North Korean pudgemeister, Kim Jong Un.

So much so, that when he saw an article about some ham handed rocker who wants to go on "strike" until Donald Trump resigns, it was the perfect *TOING* that Seymour needs to don his editing hat:

Irrelevant Bland UTwo Announce ‘Strike’ To Protest The Failure Of Clinton

Posted on January 11, 2017 by Seymour PetRock WTFNS

Following in the excrement face plants of liberal celebrities calling for a “total Hollywad strike” until  some nation on Earth or in the base Solar System recognizes Hellary Clinton as president and vagina in charge of something – ANYTHING – aging doofuses that comprise a badly tantrummed group also knowd as Utwo  have announced they are canceling the release of their upcoming album bland members said in an interview.

Speaking to a discredited rag – Rolling Stoned – kazooist The Edge of Twatwaffle said that Utwo has canceled the release of the completed album and will take some therapeutic methane “breathing space” because they are unhappy that the corrupt, double wide pant suits of Hellary totally failed in corrupting the White House.

The chronologically 40-year-old group – acting like so many left wing spoiled brats that didn't get the their genital of choice into the Oval Orifice – were set to release yet another phffffft album, Songs of Excrement, which it is claimed was finished before it was released because it sucked.

“Now, as I think you’d agree, the world march toward vaginal domination was ruined by the Wikileaks, the Russians, Chinese, cnn, pmsnbc, re-runs of The Gong Show and a slow leak in Hellary's pant suit stretcher,” he said, sparking hopes that Utwo will finally go on tour to Alpha Centuri.

“More whining and he hasn’t even taken office yet!”

The group used their hallucinagen drug platform to campaign against Trump during the election, endorsing the double wide vaginal pant suit and threatening Americans with doomsday scenarios that include nude photos of Bela Pelosi and former DNC chairpoison Medusa if they voted Trump. At the iAssRadio music festered boil in September, Sucky Bono used lyrics from their song Dysentery to make pointed remarks about the then presidential nominee, telling Americans they would “lose all of Obola's disastrous accomplishments” if they elected Trump.

Sucky Bono also told an inflatable Hellary sex toy, “You’re my fouled up inspiration,” at an October benefit concert, and speaking to a Lena Dunham sock puppet in September, the Irish singer said that Trump is “trying to hijack America back from the cancerous abyss Obola's pushed it to”.

Sucky Bono – obviously off his anti-hallucinagen meds again – has a history of braindead ideas. In 2015 he told a hearing on combating violent extremism that “we can defeat ISIS with comedy” and with a straight face puttied together for the occasion, advocated sending Amy Schumer and a yak that farts polka music to Syria to convince ISIS that laughs are better than beheadings.

Schumer thanked Sucky Bono with a tree branch delivered mid larynx, which could also explain the album delay.

Good ol' Seymour:  a pet rock gone editing wild, and always counted on as a friend of the dysfunctional Left.


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Friday, January 20, 2017

Here Come The Miscreants

November 8, 2016:  the pouting on the Left began.

By January 20, 2017, it's expected to reach spoiled brat proportions.

Yes, the totally unhinged Left -- apparently off their meds -- are going nuts over the fact that their corrupt criminal genital didn't get her coronation today.

After all, the only thing that mattered to them was that a female genital would occupy Bill's old Oral Office.

304 electoral votes said otherwise.

So at the inaugural of the 45th President of the United States -- not the Left's favored genital -- the pouting, shrieking and "four year old misbehavior" will reach a crescendo.  Or so says one protest group that claims they will disrupt the inaugural.

8,000 law enforcement and National Guard troops might have something to say about that.

At any rate, my pet rock Seymour...well he saw the article about the group that intends to disrupt the inaugural.

And he edited it:

U.S. protest group vows to throw the biggest childish tantrum in history at Trump inaugural festivities

By Seymour PetRock

WASHINGTON (WTFNS) – Pant Wetters of an ad hoc group of protesters enraged by their criminal choice for president NOT getting coronated in November vowed on Wednesday to throw the world's biggest childish tantrum to protest the lack of safe zones around DC to accommodate all of their snowflake cupcakes to the event.

The DisruptJ20 protest group said it will send groups of unmedicated, shrieking and generally misbehaving spoiled brats to the grassy National Mall on Friday.

"We believe that it's our role to try to throw the biggest tantrum the world has ever seen on that day," Waahmantha Shriller, a DisruptJ20 douche canoe, said at a news conference.

The U.S. Secret Service and Washington police are expecting some 900,000 adults; how many misbehaving brats of DisruptJ20 show up is unknown.

Trump has angered many on the left by beating the corrupt and dishonest Hellary Clinton in November.

His supporters admire the fact that the Left is completely and childishly unhinged.

Shriller said DisruptJ20 will be sending groups of about 100 ill-mannered brats to throw monumental fits during the inaugural festivities.

"There will definitely be opportunities for msnbc and cnn to make up more fake news stories that day, no doubt," Shriller said.

Washington's Metropolitan Police Department declined to comment on the group's plans.

"We support everyone's First Amendment right to peaceably protest, not juvenile tantrums because someone didn't get their corrupt, criminal way" a spokeswoman said in an email, referring to the amendment to the U.S. Constitution that protects the right to free expression.

A lot of Pampers, Depends and fire hoses have been gathered to clean up after the tantrums by the childish protests, officials said. “It would have been even more messy had the Hollywad whiners and immature democraps from the House of Representatives shown up to add their ridiculous tantrums to the mix” they added.

The inaugural parade down Pennsylvania Avenue will pass a Chuck E Cheese, a declared safe zone and rallying point for the immature protesters since the election.

A man set himself on fire late on Tuesday outside the hotel, trying to prove to others in the crowd that farts could be ignited and that he was “burning one for Hellary”. Police said he succeeded in burning one for Hellary: himself. An inflatable sex toy that resembles Meryl Streep will be taking his place at the protest site.  

The pet rock doesn't really care about getting a Pulitzer for this one; seeing the immature spectacle play out will be enough.

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Thursday, January 19, 2017

Who CARES What Kim Jong Wants

Apparently someone does.

Seems I've found someone with less a life than I have.

At any rate, my pet rock, Seymour, saw an article about one of his favorite people to parody, North Korean pudgepot Kim Jong Un, and he was off to the *Edit Desk* faster than Opus and Bill the Cat.

Thus, the world will now find out what it is that Kim Jong Un REALLY wants in life:

North Korean experts* speculate about what Kim Jong Un wants

Seymour PetRock, WTFNS Dec 6 12:06:49 AM MDST

(North Korean leader Kim Jong Un inspects a nacho cheese factory on Mahap Islet in the western sector of the front in this weight reducing touched up photo released by KGAG via WTFNS)

IN A PUB IN WASHINGTON, DC — In the next four years, North Korea may manage to get a second 'dear leader' with a leading role in a Trey Parker/Matt Stone Team America World Police sequel, something neither China and Russia have managed to hack.

"Since 2004, North Korea has crossed all sorts of peculiar thresholds that were previously thought to be beyond the reach of anyone but weirdo leftist activists in Hollywad," Victor Victoria, said during a panel discussion about what color to panel the corporate uni-species bathroom in.

"The normally whackadoodle regime has taken an unusually whackadoodle path, even by their own sandpoundingly whackadoodle standards," Victoria added.

In the 14 years prior to Kim Jong Un's regime, Pyongyang was responsible for 16,000 flush toilet tests and one “how to hang the toilet paper” test. By comparison, in 2016 alone, the Hermit Kingdom – no relation to Herman's Hermits –  conducted 250,000 flush toilet tests and two “how to hang the toilet paper” tests, figuring out how to get it wrong both times. 

The acceleration and frequency in testing shows not only the North's flush toilet ambitions but also that the rogue nation has developed something of a considerable collection of toilet paper commercials that it thinks it can use to some peculiar ends.

Expecting lots of eye rolls if you saw what I just did there.

Which leaves the obvious question, what does North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ultimately want?
kju(North Korean leader Kim Jong Un inspects what he's been led to believe is a special operation cheese burger delivery restaurant in this undated photo released by KGAG and Wo Duk Poon, the photographer's “Special Witness Protection From Exotic Executions Program” alias)

"What does Kim Jong-un want?" Victoria said repeatedly while fondling his/herself to figure out which gender he/she was this day. "I think he wants a leading role in a Team America World Police sequel, one even bigger than his father had, complete with a couple of hit songs he's written to perform therein that garner him an Oscar, Grammy, Tony, Espy, Pull My Fanger...just any award that he can win on and off the silver screen. I think that's what he wants."

"I would add that the North Koreans clearly would like to add flush toilets to their modern (for North Korea) airport that's the talk of the Third World," said  former Ambassador W. Stuart Symingtongue, serving the US as ambassador in a Third World country until he was eaten at a gala fete he thought was in his honor. 
"And they will do a lot to achieve that, since no one working for Kim Jong Un wants to find out how exotic he'll go to execute them," Symingtongue noted through a séance medium at The Psychic Channel.

"Similar to what he said, [Kim Jong Un] also wants all those Hollywad movie clowns that threatened to leave the USA if Donald Trump won the election, to move to North Korea and treat Kim Jong Un as a special relationship," said Johnson & Johnson, two gender cornfused advisers to Anthony Weiner's efforts to get a 2AM time slot on CNN called “Sexting With Weiner”.

"And I would add to it also that he wants to be able to maintain total control, a type of government that Hellary was desperate crazy to achieve before getting Trumped," said a retired Clinton aide using an alias to avoid a Clinton Floundation accidental suicide after answering her truthfully on election night that, yes, that pantsuit didn't make her butt look fat...it simply was that way in ANY venue. 

From Hollywad comes this poignant snippet from a real rocket scientist of her time, Chelsea 'Vagina Brain' Mishandler:

While Trump was busy tweeting out LL Bean ads, a report came out that N Korea has enough plutonium to make 10 nukes.
Small wonder Hollywad does little outside of marginally entertain.

Meantime, a panel of scholar-practitioners agreed that this former aide was wise to use an alias and hide somewhere in Flyover Country, a place sure to not be on the Clinton travel itinerary after November 8.

"More often than not, we measure the mettle of presidencies by the unexpected crises that they must deal with. For President-elect Trump, this crisis could very well come from North Korea if Kim Jong Un does not get his Team America World Police sequel, his songs become platinum, or a calendar of him posing with the hash tag hag, Marie Barf, in PlayDoh," no one said ever.
* x being the unknown factor and spert being a drip of water under pressure  

Seymour still imagines that one of these edits will get him a Pulitzer.  I'm still certain he'll never get closer than a Pull My Fanger.


See what I mean?

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Monday, January 16, 2017

When Interpol Comes A Scammin'

Buzzscreed and cnn know this feeling by now.

Now a couple scammers impersonating Interpol are figuring it out...sorta.

Here's their initial ploy, including the supposed to be convincing Interpol logo at the top of the email:

200 Quai Charles de Gaulle, 69006 Lyon, France 
This is to inform you that investigations and intellegience conducted by us states that you have an unclaimed US$16.3million with Standard Chartered Bank in Nigeria. This was deposited on your behalf by the National Lottery with regards to the Lottery you won last year.  
Your account is currently inactive and will need to be activated with a minimum of $100. You are to contact Bola Adesola, Managing Director/CEO, Nigeria and West Africa 1. Your account number is 3102892372. You are to email Bola Adesola and tell her you will like to activate your account with $100 and claim your $16.3million. You are to ask her how you can send the $100 to her via moneygram or western union. 
Once she gives you the details, please make sure you send the $100 same day she gives you the details. She will also give you your online login details to begin your transfer. Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. You are not to ask her any questions as she is too busy to respond to questions. Simply ask her how you can send the $100 and she will attend to you. 
Her email is ( bolaadesola@scbank.cf ). 
You can read more about her via the link below 
Thank you for your understanding. You can contact me via my work email ( mireilleballestrazzi@interpol-eu.cf ) 
Mireille Ballestrazzi
This edit was rather like shooting fish in a cnn drink cup:

200 Quai Charles de Gaulle Le Daid And Stayin' That Way, 69006 Lyon-in-Hole, France  


Parlez vous, see through plate, mansewer.  This is to inform you that investigations and a complete and udder lack of intellegience conducted by cnn states that you have been taking golden showers with Liechtensteinian escort ladies at the embassy in Zurich while on an economic mission to establish an alpaca inseminating operation in Vaduz.  All of the auditions conducted by Bill Clinton has been recorded by bugged blue dresses worn  by a number of Bill's auditionees.  It was sponsored in phart by the Substandard Phartered Bank in Nigeria. This was deposed to a dubious recruit of the CIA that worked part time for the Hellary Crimedation and is now applying for unemployment in Finland because Chelsea Mishandler says that North Korea is working on 'the bomb' since Stormtrumper was elected, even though Mishandler's IQ is currently at 5 and dropping.  
Your accountant was arrested in NYC for having solicited sex from a city zoo yak named Olga.  His bail is currently set at $100.  You are to contact Bola Minutiae Adesola, Managing Douche Canoe/CEO, Nigeria and West African Douche Canoe Department.  Your accountant's criminal reference number is 3102892372. You are to email Bola Minutiae Adesola and tell her you will like to activate a wifi dildo that distracts the yak so your accountant can escape dressed in a $9.95 designer dress made by Moochelle Obola's curtain designer.  You are to ask her how you can send the $100 to her via a trained pterodactyl drone named Maurice that will get within 100 miles or so of the delivery destination without getting shot down by air defenses or knocked up by a cross eyed vulture named Dank.    

Once she gets over the peculiar  details, please make sure you send the $100 via the specific pterodactyl drone as noted in the details. She will also give you your online login details to begin your registration as a raptor sex offender with Audubon officials in Turkey, who are working on the 2017 PETA campaign to replace turkey with torfurkey and grits. 
Feel free to ask me any questions you may have. After you read this, I reckon you've got a shitload.  You are not to ask her any questions about her sexual proclivities or the size of her Kim Kardashian-esque ass, as she is too busy trying to get unwedged from the last chair she mistakenly sat in.  Simply ask her how you can send the $100 via pterodactyl drone and she will respond with a universally understood WTF to you.  

Her email is ( bolaadesola@scbank.cf ).  

You can read more about what happened when Rosie O'Donnell boarded a plane from the back in future links, or in the photo below:

Thank you for your anticipated misunderstanding. You can contact me via my work email ( mireilleballestrazzi@interpol-eu.cf ) and ask me anything but common core math problems.  

Mireille Ballestrazzi
Interpol's cnn office in the basement of the DNC  
So far, the only response this has received was from Canada, protesting our sending our leftist lard butts to Canada:

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Friday, January 13, 2017

Military Unintelligence

When one of your email accounts gets an email from a military intelligence service for the World Court of Justice...you just KNOW what's going to happen.

'Specially when it was one of my accounts that got it.

Get a jackwagon load of this:

                 87 DMI PLAZA 24-A BRISTOL

                 STB69 LONDON- UNITED KINGDOM

                 HOTLINE:  +44 703 196 3553


Our Ref: DMI/WCJ/PT16

Attention: Jack Ewehoff

Date: 09 / 01 / 2017


  We acknowledge the receipt of your message. It is certain our notification will be a Surprise to you but this is a time for you to Rejoice and celebrate because the Governing Board of our esteemed Directorate in conjunction with the Financial Action Task Force of International Court of Justice has gone through the submitted files and records by our attached Surveillance monitoring Agencies and confirmed that YOU are one of the numerous Victims who lost funds in the past in lieu to unlawful scam invasion which many Citizens in different Countries of the World were scammed in such regrettable situations.


  The Directorate of Military Intelligence which is a subsidiary organ of the International Court of Justice and World Bank Security Council has mapped out US$16.350.000.00 (Sixteen Million three hundred and fifty thousand USA Dollars) to be paid to YOU as a benefactor listed in Category "D" payment scheme 2016 reward.

  Meanwhile we have moved your File to the verification unit for final verification of your datas and will get back to you when they are through. You are required to send (1)
A copy of your Identification, please send via attachment and (2) Your Present Profession / Occupation (3) Your private phone number (4) Your home or Office address as to facilitate the final processing for the release and payment of your US$16.350.000.00 (Sixteen Million three hundred and fifty thousand USA Dollars)  to you.

  Respond back swiftly with your requested information's above. Most Important, Stop every communication with other department(s) for security of your fund. We have applied our esteem security network to ensure that your fund is successfully released to you without hitch.

I remain,


Mr. Gary Raymond

Payment Coordinator  

I know what the late George Carlin would have had to say about this.  My responding character took a different tactical route:

                 87 DMI PLAZA 24-A BRISTOL
                 STB69 LONDON- UNITED KINGDOM
                 HOTLINE:  +44 703 196 3553
                 COLDLINE:  +44 703 196 3555
                 DEADLINE: +44 703 195 5335
                 BARLIGHTING LINES:  +44 703 197 5533

Date: 09 / 01 / 2017

  We acknowledge and are certain our notification will be a Surprise to you but this to be expected in the world of military intelligence, for military intelligence is a science not unlike that of Jack 'n Diane in the back seat of a '60 Chevy.  Surprise is all in the world of military affairs, and not having your spouse discover your affair before you have prepared a suitable defense is pretty damned important.  But in Surpriseville, we digress.

  The Directorate of Military Intelligence For People With Gas which is a subsidiary organ of the International Court of Jaundice and World Risk Players Council has mapped out an invasion scenario whereby the Repugnant of Benin will, within a fortnight, invade and subjugate Liechtenstein.  This is necessary as a springbroad to the longer term goal of controlling the world supply of Swiss chocolate replicas of Kim Kardashian's monumental butt. 
 You have been pre-selected as an advanced notified party of the second part pursuant to Operations Order # 350.001 because we have learned through one of our sources with access to Hellary Clinton's email server that her and Al Franken are sharing fallatio with a yak.
  We are, of course, taking a risk in revealing this advanced intel to you, and are trusting that you won't leak this to one of the abject dunderheads at msnbc in order to disrupt the 2017 Macadamia Awards with a intemperate and rambling speech about Meryl Streep's painful rectal itch from a routine botoxing scheme she hatched with Michael Mooron for a 2017 dorkumentary about how they are now Muslim which is making no one else wanting to be. 

   Meanwhile we have moved your File to the verification unit for final verification prior to more detailed verification prior to the final last minute verification that you are a douche canoe capable of launching tampon cruise missiles against Targets and Walmarts in Toledo.

  You are required to send (1) A copy of your military capabilities (2) Your Present military procurements  / your military order of farces and state of readiness (3) Your private secretary's phone number  because we hear that she's hot (4) Your ability to repel a Gerbil invasion of Azerbaijan from the shores of Triple Hominy and (5) what will happen to your collection of Homer Simpson "DOH!" wave files if our invasion succeeds.

  Respond back swiftly with incredibly detailed and secret information's above. Most Important, Stop every communication with anyone in the DNC because all their sh*t winds up on Hellary's server and we've seen too many photos of her and Al Franken fallating that yak already.  We have applied our esteem security network to ensure that once we have successfully aided the Benin invasion of Liechtenstein, control of the world's supply of Swiss chocolate replicas of Kim Kardashian's monumental butt will allow us to prevent a second line of Lena Dunham's even more monumental bum.  That'd be worse than an Anthony Weiner sext giving away secrets from the Genital Suckretary of the George Stephanopoulous Bureau of Obola Softball Lack of Intelligence Briefings.  And five minutes of listening to Amy Schumer drivel. 

This is very important.  Our top spy in the Farce -- Yoda -- made it clear that "do or do not; there is no pastry" is non sequitur and should never be tried at home without a judge and jury engaged in critical experimentation to find and the play the brown note at the next DNC convention.  This may be the only way to prevent Hank Johnson from publically talking about Guam tipping over.

 I remain (because my gender reassignment was postponed for genital rebushing),

Mr. Gary Raymond
G-2 in charge of analyzing how I lost 53 consecutive games of Battleship to a marmot sock puppet

The information contained in this e-mail is intended solely for the use of low information democraps who believe Hellary is the reintarnation of Joan of Ack, a Bill the Cat fantasy hairball that seeks to merge Bloom County with South Park in a reality series not starting even one distant relative of the Kardashians. Access, copying, or re-use of the e-mail or any information contained therein by any person is authorized by a concordat with cnn's faux news burro (making an ass of itself and the whole network since inception). If you are not the intended recipient(s), please enjoy the fact that you're reading this sh*t now and send a note condemning the dubious antecedence to the originator.

My character's hope is that the "World Court of Justice" will, upon receipt of this email edit, shut down their military branch and go back to endless hearings about Guam capsizing.

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Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Major Mistake

When a person claiming to be a major in the "Nurse Corps" of the US Army contacted one of my characters, you just KNOWD it wasn't going to go well.

Here is her ploy:

MaJor Elizabeth DiCampli
Nurse Corps Officer at United States Army
Assignment Under United Nation Syria Chapter
San Diego State University-California State University  
My name is Major Elizabeth DiCampli.  Am on Assignment with United Nation Syria Chapter. I live in Hawaii USA. Despite we have not meet face to face i still have a confident trust on you and i believe in your assistant. Am on a special assignment with United Nation here in Syria . I need your help and it will benefit both of us. 
My Squad here in Syria rescued the son of the Syrian Prime Minister from the hand of the Taliban's here in Syria . The Prime minister gave us a cash reward my own share of the money is $950,000 Dollars. And i want to trust you so that i can send the money out from here because is not safe staying with me here. 
The bank where we camp is not working because of the crisis here if you are watching CNN you will understand what i mean. Can i trust you? If you capable to  help me receive this  money I will give you 30% of the total amount.I want to be sure if you are capable no matter what it takes. I have make all the necessary arrangement on the means of moving it out safely.  Can i trust you? Please get back to me on the email immediately for security reasons. 
Major Elizabeth Dicampli
The edit that went back contributed largely to the 'not go well' for the major's intended outcome:
From: Major Imbecile Elizabeth Dicampli <info@turkerkaya.com>
Sent: Thursday, November 24, 2016 7:23 PM
To: majoredicamplimm@gmail.com


MaJor Imbecile Elizabeth DiCampli
Yak Nursing Corps Officer, United Nations Leggy
Assignment At Behest of United Nation Suckretary Genital
San Diego State University-California State University
Building College Cupcakes Safe Zones Project
My name is Major Imbecile Elizabeth DiCampli.  Am on Assignment at the behest of the United Nation Suckretary Genital.  I live in Hawaii USA trying to find Magnum PI and get him to investigate goat rodeos.
Despite we have not meet face to face i still have a confident trust on you and i believe in your assistant, who I am telled is a little runt with a fetish for yaks. As for me, I is on meth and a special assignment with United Nation here in Syria, Oklahoma . I need your help in finding the gawddamned place on a map and it will benefit one of us.
My squad here in Syria, Oklahoma, rescued the son of a yak from the hand of a roving band of talentless banned actors from TV pilot America's Got Twat Waffles premiering here in Syria, Oklahoma. The subprime menstral gave us a cash reward my own share of the money is $9.50 Dollars. And i want to trust you so that i can send the money out from here because if you knew Syria, OK, like I know Syria, OK, you'd know that there is not much that is safe in Syria, OK, during yak menstrual migration season here.
The bank along a crick that borders a hawg farm where we camp is not working because of the crisis here; if you are watching CNN you will not understand anything relevant because all they talk about is how Donald Trump said something locker roomy to a sixth grade paragiraffe at a petting zoo he visited in 1956.
  Know what I mean, Verne?  Can i trust you when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie it's not a food fight?  If you capable to help me it will please me because I was judged beyond help by four out of five doctors who use Preparation H to shrink buck teeth.  If after you read this and find it in your fart to give me help of some kind in the form of post defecation prostrate massages which on account of my gender are superfluous unless I identify genderally as a pubic rust room daffodil, I will give you 30% of my shares in Myasma, UnInc., a failed firm operating out of the basement of the Bill Clinton Presidential Office Of Auditioning Genital Humidors, which is probably going to have to close because Broom Stick One lost and has broken every mirror in Chappaqua without her make up.  
I haven't as yet make all the necessary arrangement on the means of moving out safely, but I have the will to look for one.  Can i trust you to understand that last sentence? Please get back to me via this most peculiar email immediately for mental and genital security reasons, none of which will be explained in upcoming speaks with you.
Major Imbecile Elizabeth Dicampli
After reading the edited email, the scammer had no apparent desire for further 'speaks' with me, but one of the scammers receiving the edit was apparently a Hellary fan on some level:
why do you make fun of Clinton?  
Because she's so make fun-able of.  You sleeping with her?  I'll make fun of you too.  
That thought was apparently enough to end further defense of Hellary from that locality...

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Saturday, January 7, 2017

The Illuminincompoops Prove 2017 Ain't Changed

Yawp...new year, same old crap.

It's been a while since any of my email characters have heard from the Nigerian illuminincompoops.  The last little butt polyp to make contact swore that by my having dissed their "oracle", I and my family would not make it out of 2015 alive.


Try again, Bunkie.

So here's their latest ploy which sucks pretty much as all their others:


They are fraudulent Nigerians/Africans,they will stop at nothing just to confuse you,
they are fake agents from Nigerians/Africans. they are all over facebook posting themselves with different pages,names and photos of the illuminati organization,NEVER YOU SEND MONEY TO THEM FOR ANY REASON. WE SHALL KEEP EXPOSING THEM TO YOU. BE WARNED NEVER TO CONTACT THEM,IF YOU HAVE ALREADY FALLEN VICTIM NEVER YOU PUT THE BLAME ON THE ILLUMINATI....
 the illuminati will never contact anyone with individual names,please dont lay the blame on the illuminati.
you can only be contacted when your payment for your initiation/membership form and the materials needed for your initiation has been confirmed by our HIGH PRIESTS in the united state.
 the illuminati offers wealth,fame,power,protection,k nowledge and many other things you wish for,including a tax free life,free medical attention,a free pass to travel around the world like every other member,emotional and creative lectures to improve your mind.
 we have been doing this for years,we watches everything,nothing is hidden from us,we are everywhere,we have members all over the world,we rule this world...

NOTE: we have not been recruiting people online nor own social network before now...
throuhout our organizations history many citizens have inaccurately portrayed us in a negative manners.
these misconceptions have been perpetuated for centuries through video,photos,articles,books and unofficial online resources claiming to understand our mission and members.

In creating this online destination,we hope to alleviate the concerns,voiced by your governments and people and seek to provide insight into our goals. we invite you,the human citizens to discover more about our organization and to understand your role in this planetary union because the establishment of the new world order is about to begin,that is why we are giving this equal opportunity to everyone who is interested in joining our organization.

Obviously they need help with their email.  Obviously I was only too happy to give it to them:

IGNORE THOSE CLAIMING TO BE AGENT OF THE ILLUMININCOMPOOPS..(including this email which is sent by a full of sh*t douche canoe as well)
They -- like me, Jerry Wilson -- are fraudulent Nigerians/Africans,they will stop at nothing just to confuse you, they are fake agents from Nigerians/Africans. they are all over facebook posting themselves with different pages,names and photos of the illuminincompoop organization,NEVER YOU SEND MONEY TO THEM (OR ME) FOR ANY REASON. WE SHALL KEEP EXPOSING OURSELVES TO YOU *FLASHES OPEN RAINCOAT*.  BE WARNED NEVER TO CONTACT US,IF YOU HAVE ALREADY FALLEN VICTIM, ALWAYS BLAME THOSE NIPPLEHEADS OF THE ILLUMININCOMPOOS....
The illuminincompoops will contact anyone with individual names...f**k, we'll contact ANYONE with ANY NAME, so it's okay to lay the blame on the illuminincompoops.

Want proof?  Read this sentence:  you can only be contacted when YOUR PAYMENT for your initiation/membership form and the materials needed for your initiation has been confirmed by our TWAT WAFFLE HIGH (ON DRUGS) PRIESTS in the united state.

The Nigerian illuminincompoops falsely offer wealth, fame, power, protection, knowledge and many other things you wish for, especially if you are a millennial college cupcake.  The Nigerian illuminincompoops falsely offer a tax free life, free medical attention, a free pass to travel around the world like every other member, emotional safe rooms with teddy bears, puppies and pastries to give you a place to hide from trigger words like self responsibility, accountability, working for a living and having integrity and ethics.  With the Nigerian illuminincompoops, you'll never have to worry about life's trigger words again!!!

 we have been screwing people for years, we watches everything, nothing is hidden from us if it was on hellary's leaky email server, we are like butt polyps at a DNC event in that we is everywhere, we have testimonials from people we've duped all over the world...but for hellary's epic FAIL, we'd rule this world and be giving out inflatable hellary sex toys, endorsed by Bill...

NOTE: we have been recruiting suckers online and on social network before now...throuhout our organizations history many citizens have incredibly accurately portrayed us in a negative manners.  Assholes.  These accuracies have been perpetuated for centuries through video, photos, articles, books and unofficial online resources that know we're full of illuminincompoop sh*t.

In creating this latest jackwagon load of online crapola, we hope to deceive concerns voiced by reasoned, intelligent people and seek to provide 100% deceit asto our goals.  we invite animal, mineral, mental vegetables, hairy fungerers and cosmic muffins, to discover just how full of abject CRAP our organization is and to understand that you're a fluke of the universe, you have no right to be here, and whether you know it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back as we screw you over with one of the most ham-handed scams rampant on the internet.  


Having once again insulted their oracle -- and a couple-three of the DNC -- I again awaited their *wrath*.
*Jeopardy Theme*

This, I gather, passes for Jerry Wilson's *wrath*:

You are a bastard, you gonna be caused because Africans got powers and I'm gonna swear from you flip our shrine

I didn't know that your shrine was flippable.  After you crap in it, does it flush BEFORE you flip it?  If not, don't get any on you.

Yawp...nothing new for 2017, at least so far as Scamland goes.

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