Sunday, July 31, 2016

Conversations On The Edge of Harf

That look is being replicated somewhere in Scamland.

The reason for it is the following conversation between one of my scambaiting characters and a gold/diamond selling scammer:

Dear Sir/ MA
We are group of Gold and Diamond miners representing all local gold miners in Guinea Conakry in W/A ,We work with other handicapped Gold sellers as
main source and help them to export their Gold / Diamond to buyers. We have huge
quantity of alluvial Gold Dust and Gold Bar for sale at a considerable
price   we shall provide the passport of the   ( End Seller FCO or  SPA , SKR and
passport copy  for serious buyers ) we shall give a very considerable price only serious buyers are welcome.
I hope to hear from you soonest.
Best Regards
cisoco  Skype id .... cisoco.lucas1  
Which is or diamonds?  


You're supposed to be the experts in the market and you don't know?    


I'm sure that both are, but which ONE is better?  

DIAMOND .......................  PLS CALL MY PHONE OK  +224 669 880 682  

Thanks for answering my question. do I go about maximizing my opportunities with diamonds through you?  

JUST CALL MY PHONE OK +224 669 880 682  

What is your phone going to tell me that you can't in a simple email response?  

PLS CALL MY PHONE NOW OK +224 669 880 682  

Are you telling me that your phone is who is running your business, and not you?  


How real a business can this be if your phone runs it rather than you.  If I wanted to talk to your phone, I'd be a f**king phone talking to another phone.  I am NOT a phone and I don't do business -- real or otherwise -- with a  phone.  If your phone is running the show, then tell it to email me.


You don't like my words? Well, I don't f**king like your phone, how's about that?  I don't do business with phones, waffle irons, talking desks, or any other piece of f**king furniture or appliance.  If YOU want to do business with ME, you email ME and stop insisting I talk to your f**king phone.  Them's my terms.  

I guess my character's terms weren't acceptable to his phone.  Oh well...

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Thursday, July 28, 2016

Pokeyawn Phffft

The new internet app craze that leads people to walk into walls, trees, cars, each other...all in search of mythical pokemon thingees.

Track them, catch them, mix and match 'em, collect the whole set.

Clint Eastwood never had a better reason to demand the punks get off his lawn.

From what I hear, this Pokémon Go craze is leading people into places they're not necessarily needing or wanted to go in, all in search of their little pokemon characters, eggs, et al.

Of course, it's all harmless fun, this pokemon craze...

So what's it all about?  Well, a company came up with an app to allow iphone users to run all over the place and locate pokemon characters and 'catch' them.  A random few have put their lives on hold to catch all 400 plus pokemon thingees.  And have even written "how to" articles for novices.

Though my pet rock, Seymour, is still evading the law in Califorlornia, he's had time to give his geologic appraisal of Pokémon Go -- one elongated "PHFFFFFFFFFFFT!" out of a possible 5 -- and do a little creative editing of a "how to play" pokemon go story right here:

Tips for Pokemon Go Crap

A pet rock's first advice: play thermonuclear war with Matthew Broderick and Joshua; it'll save you around 8 miles a day, every day, in search of distant Pokémon.  

If you're trying to hatch eggs, leave it to a chicken.

If you just walk in little circles, the game won't accurately measure how far you've gone, and you'll have wasted your time and energy. Which is what you'll do regardless.

If you're trying to level up quickly, you want to focus on avoiding malevolent Pokemon that look like this:

If you're going to spend real money on Pokémon Go, Nigerian princes have a gold mine in Ghana, Ivory Coast and Burundi they want to sell you. If you're lucky, they'll have one in Newark too.

But above all else, the key is to avoid watching the Democrap National CONvention, so this might just be the thing to waste your time on. Hearing Hellary screech is worse than any noise a pokemon creature might make.

You may have to travel far and wide to find some of these pokemon thingees. For instance, some poor sot spent days being unable to find Douche Nozzle, a rare dragon-type Pokémon. Then a Russian dating scammer emailed him about a secret Douche Nozzle nest in Kiev, Ukraine, and within a day he'd been conned into sending the source $625 to receive a Douche Nozzle. Which he ain't got yet.

Pokemon addicts claim it also helps if you have a second phone you can borrow while you play. After one's wife and mistress left him because they were sick of all that Pokémon adventuring, he would use their phones he stole as a "radar" to make sure that he didn't miss any Pokémon appearances while he was in line at the welfare and unemployment offices.

Finally, here's a simple tip for the super dedicated: before Pokémon Go, South Park revealed how earlier Pokemon tried to brainwash the children of South Park to attack Pearl Harbor; it is believed that the developer is trying it again with this latest version of Pokémon Go.

Be careful with the areas in Pokémon Go where rare Pokémon appear; that's where the urge to attack Pearl Harbor is manifest. It also leads Mongolians to attack the city walls outside of South Park, which takes the proprietor of Sh*tty Wok Restaurant away from his business. So if you're having trouble with a rare Pokémon, and you're really fed up with it, whack the bastard with a fly swatter or something.

In short, Joshua summed it up best:  "a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play".

My pet rock won't make any friends in the crazed Pokémon community; then again, he won't 'run into' any of them, either.

Unless Pokémon makes Seymour one of the characters to be found.


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Monday, July 25, 2016

Seymour Doesn't Just Edit Kim Jong Un

You gotta love research studies.  Especially when you more than likely paid for them as a taxpayer.

From the Christian Science Monitor came a story that told us researchers were now pretty sure that dinosaurs didn't roar:  they sounded like birds.

I've been losing sleep over that unanswered question.  Now I have to decide if I can sue Steven Spielberg for misleading us all with Jurassic Park

Anyway, this story literally *roared* out for an edit; even as Seymour was still vacationing in Califorlornia, he was able to email me this edit from a hiding place he judged to be safe from the Clintons.  Thus:

Did dinosaurs really roar? We can all now sleep at night knowing that, say scientists.

Seymour PetRockChristian Science Monitor
WTF News Soivice
31 days ago

New research on the vocalizations of dinosaurs won't make a fig of difference to any of the current or past dinosaur movies.

In a rather inane study published in the journal Government Grants And How To Both Fake And Squander Them, scientists say that dinosaurs didn't roar; they honked like many of today's automobiles. 

Unless they farted; that was probably where the oft-depicted *ROAR* came from, along with the early global warming that doomed them by attracting an ice cold asteroid from space, seeking a place to warm up.

Today's automobiles make similar decibel violating, blaring *HONK* sounds, known as "NYC or LA rush hour traffic, epithet-accompanying vocalizations," by pushing air that powers sound production into an electronic device that then blares it out at other vehicles and drivers. Scientists now conclusively confirm that dinosaurs made much the same sounds during Jurassic era rush hours and at other occasionally inopportune times and places.

There is one direct living fossil evidence that suggests what dinosaurs sounded like and she's running for president.

"To make any kind of sense of what nonavian dinosaurs sounded like, we needed to go back in time and actually hear them vocalize," Julia Childs, a culinary barbaric professor at the Eunuchversity of Califorlornia at Berkeley's Crapsalad School of Geotrigger Words and Safe Zones and one of a few surviving time traveler team of the study said in a press release. "It isn't Jurassic Park's idea. It's more like I-5 in LA during rush hour, with claws and teeth. Not only were dinosaurs impatient, but they may be credited with the first drive by eatings and middle digit salutes in Earth history."

Using a frequently employed DNC made up statistical approach, Dr. Childs and what's left of her team went back in time via a secret time machine invented by Bonco and still very much in the testing phase, to analyze the anticipated unequal distribution of welfare benefits between carnivores, veggiepods and pre-BLM douche nozzles among assorted dinosaurs living in and around a vastly different-looking continental USA 80 million years ago. They discovered that inequality in welfare benefits were wholly ignored by the assorted populace; moreover, they quickly lost 52 out of 60 of their team to dinosaurs of the carnivore persuasion when some of the researchers tried to convince the carnivores that “going vegan” was a healthier option and that “dinosaurs don't kill, guns do”.

Oh whoops.

"Looking at the research as a whole, those few of us to survive this study should have done a detailed psychoanalysis of Bill the Cat's hairballs, instead," said study survivor Hanging Chad Appetizer, a post study recovering college cupcake at the same eunuchversity as Childs. "Our results show that traveling back in time is for blithering idiots which are one and the same with Hellary Clinton supporters."

Whether the ancestors of modern Yugos, Edsels and Studebachers actually sounded like the Road Runner is now settled science: they did NOT sound like that when they farted. However, the fact that dinosaurs first used the widely recognized middle digit salute to express their displeasure with fellow dinosaurs, suggests that the behavior we see in BLM and the DNC has long been associated with Hellary supporters, says Threebias Schmuck, a global warming geophysiology professor at the Eunuchversity of Seattle and another survivor of the study.

Furthermore, many dinosaurs had intolerable flatulence, with their large body sizes producing B-52 squadron volumed flatulent sounds. 

"A cool thing about this work is having survived it and seeing what the dinosaur version of Hellary Clinton was like," Dr. Schmuck said in the release. "That suggests why Bill regularly auditions female interns as genital humidors and spends so much time at the Clinton Crimedation."

The team's next move will be to study why drum circles look up when a pterodactyl flies over and foul themselves repeatedly. They need listen no further than Hellary's screeching to know what the sound of a Jurassic era dinosaur accident was like.

I don't care about garnering a Pulitzer like my pet rock does.  Nor do I care what a real dinosaur sounded like.   Just so long as I can avoid that prehistoric Hellary screech as much as possible.

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Friday, July 22, 2016

The Stin...k

If you recall the famous movie from the 70s....this will remind you of none of it.

This is more of another scammer that looks for replies without looking at WHAT they say.

Here's how it started:

Hello my dear,
How was your night over there in your country, I believe you had a nice slept last night and  the atmosphere was very good with you today in your country? The weather was a little bit warm over here today in Dakar Senegal.
My name is Sofia Bahizire, I am (23)years old, single (never married before), fair in complexion, 1.73cm. Meanwhile age doesn't matter in a real relationship,so I am comfortable with your age. I from Goma, the eastern region of Democratic Republic of Congo in Central Africa. A formal colony of Belgium. And presently I am residing in orphanage home called refugee camp, here in Dakar Senegal as a result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

I lost my both parents during this deadly political war. That damaged thousands of innocent souls in Democratic Republic of Congo. My family was among the first target of the rebels because my late father Advocate Floribert Chebeya Bahizire, is prominent human rights advocate. Late Advocate Floribert Chebeya Bahizire found dead a day after being summoned to meet the chief of police, he is supporting the government when the problems was about to start. Due to this all the members of my family were murdered in a cold blood and our family house was set blazed. I was lucky escaped death because I went to school when the  incidence took place.

I am only person who is alive in my family, and i managed to make my way to Senegal where I am living now as a refugee and never pray or think to step my foots in my country called Democratic Republic of Congo.

I would like to know more about you. Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next letter. Attached here is my picture. Hope to hear from you soon,
Your sincerely,

and of course she sent along a photo or three that once again proves that life in non-existent Senegalese refugee camps ain't all THAT bad:

Sadly, she didn't bother to read what my character replied with:

Dear Sofa,  ..or davenport, couch, divan...whatever.

I am not interested in you.  You are in Senegal.  I never asked anyone to send me a gal from there.  If they sent me you, I'd send you back as defective.  

And that reply begat this:

My dearest
I am very glad in your reply to my mail. How are you doing today? and how was your night and the atmosphere over there with you? I hope fine. To me, the weather is warm over here in Dakar Senegal, as it use to be some times like this. Anyway, is not enjoyable to me due  condition I were facing here right now.

Meanwhile, in this camp we are not allowed to go out from the camp every day of the week. It is just like one staying in the prison and I hope by God grace I will come out here soon. I do not have any relatives now whom I can go to all my relatives ran away in the middle of the war the only person I have now is reverend Joseph  Kolo  who is the reverend of the charity mission (christ for all church) here in the camp he has been very nice to every one here in the refugee camp. The reverend Telephone  number is  (+221 763 91 64 10)  if you call and tell him that you want to speak with me he will send for me in the hostel. As a refugee here I do not have any right or privilege to any thing be of money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.

I want to go back to my studies because I only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place. Please listen to this (please it is a secret, between me and you), I have my late father statement of account and death certificate here with me which I will send to you later, because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in the United Kingdom bank which he used my name as the next of kin, the amount in question is £ 9.7 Million British Pounds ( nine Million Seven Hundred Thousand British Pounds)

So I will like you to help me to transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you. I kept this secret to people in the camp, because I am afraid to loose this money if they gets to know about it. So, in the light of above I will like you to keep it to  yourself and do not tell it to anyone for I am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember I am giving you all this information due to the trust I deposed on you. I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking.

Meanwhile, I will like you to call me like I said I have allot to tell you. Have a nice day and think about me. Awaiting to hear from you soonest your for ever in love.

I sorta tried to get through to her with the first response.  Will the second attempt get 'er done?  Let's see:

Refugee camps in Senegal are pretty posh from what I see.  Not a bad place for you to stay while you await your Queen Hellary on her worn out whisk broom to ride in and sweep you to the land of welfare, flying monkeys, midgets singing about suckers and a place where apple trees pelt you with fruit.

Nawp, she read that one like she read the first one:  not at all.  Worse...she now wants me to contact her scam bank:

I thank you ones again this day. And  I will use this greatest opportunity to let you know that God has chosen you to help me among other men on earth its now left for you and  God who directed you to  help me out from this predicament i found myself. I know you are the man I am going to depend and trust for my life, so needless of looking for another man.
Please I have not told anyone except you about the existence of this  money and I will like you to please keep it secret to other people because since it is (MONEY) all eyes will be on it. Remember I trust you, that is why I am giving you all this information's. my love is for you and you alone.
This money and the only thing they told me is to look for a foreign partner who will stand on my behalf due to my refugee status and the laws of this country. You will have 15% of the total money for helping me and the remaining money will be managed by you and me in any business of your choice.

In this regard I will like you to contact the bank immediately with this information, tell them that you are my foreign partner and that you want to know the possibilities of assisting me in transferring the (£ 9.7 Million British pounds) deposited by my late father of which I am the next of  kin to your account in your country.
The contact information of the bank is as follows,
Email address: (
The name of the transfer officer is  Mr Charles .S. Doyle
Telephone number +44 (704) 578 6282
Fax number +44 (703) 180 3691.
Address No1 church hill place London.
And my late father account number is: 745008901546
Contact them now on how to transfer the £ 9.7 million British Pounds deposited by my
late father of which I am the next of kin. I have mapped out 15% for your assistance and 5% for any expenses that might come up in this transfer. My dear I am glad that God has brought you to see me out from this situation and I promise to be kind and will equally need you in every area of my life plus investing this money since I am still too young to manage this amount of money.
As I told you before, this camp is just like a prison and my prayers is to move out from here as soon as possible. Please make sure that you contact the bank so that after the transfer you can send some money from that account for me to prepare my traveling documents to meet with you in your country.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest!.
Yours for ever in love.

Okay, fine.  When a woman says that -- especially with the wrong emphasis in the right place -- we guys KNOW we're in trouble.  When I say just means that it's time to edit:

Subject: Please get the penguin super glue...and a mirror
Date: Mon, 13 Jun 2016 15:15:20 +0000

Speaking furniture here,

I spank ye wunst agin this day.  Unlike a Bloom County penguin that flossed his beak off after too many herring wallbangers, I do the dance of anticipatory happy happy amongst the thistles of the field.

And too late realize why that little bastard did his dance in the dandelions.  Muthaforkin ouch in mulitples.

I will use this suckass opportunity to let you know that an islamofascist baphomet that looks like a goat haid has chosen you to help me among along with tornadoes, farts and pterodactyls oh my, to help me out from this predicament i found myself.   For I am a talking furniture -- sofa, couch, davenport, WTF ever -- I know you are the man and I know that I is not and that statement will piss off NOW, COW, and all those other feminincompoop gaggles of cackling hens, but this is of no matta, for I am going to depends to keep from fouling myself repetitively, and failing you as a man, I will seek out a yak.

Please I have not told anyone except you and 4,000 other email addresses about the existence of this spank the monkey video on YouBoob and I will like you to please keep it secret to other people because since it is (a social mediocre spank the monkey thang on YouBoob) all eyes will be on it as people are texting on their I and other vowel phones, walking into sh*t not paying attention to the man behind the curtain.

Remember the words of a former friend that were as 100% empty as mine:  I trust you, that is why I am giving you and the other 4,000 yutzes I emailed all this information's. My love is a song by Petula Clark and I digress with you and you alone...times 4,000 or so.

This spanked monkey ain't happy and the only thing they told me is to look out for a gorilla getting shat in Cincinutti when the cockroach comes to eat the place.  I'm beginning to think that Spike Jones is having a new erection with these verbosities where learning is finding of trigger words so one can run crying to a safe zone with fouled knickers and demand of the spanked monkey, to make them stop. 

And for this I need a foreign partner who will stand on my half due to my being comatose on the floor, being a talking piece of furniture that I am?  I guess that's the laws of this country. You will have 15% of the responsibility for spanking the monkey for helping me and the remaining 90% of the monkey spanking will be managed by the DNC and members of the Hellary crimepaign to replace the worst fauxtus in history with an outright criminal wench that wears 6 XXXL butt thongs.

In this regard I will like you to contact the bank immediately with this information, tell them that you are there to spank the monkey and that you want to know the possibilities of assisting Wikileaks in transferring all of Hellary's emails to a server easier for the Russians, Chinese and the Weekly World News to access.

The contact information of the bank is as follows,
Email address: (
The name of the soon-to-be-dumfounded officer is  Mr Charles .S. Doyle
Telephone number +44 (704) 578 6282
Fax number +44 (703) 180 3691.
Address No1 Great Horned Church hill place London.
And my spanked monkey account number is: not higher than 10
Contact them now on how to spank the monkey.  Using teh Gooble Eoith search app I have mapped out 15% of the Eoith's soiface that doesn't support the formation of a league of yak football players in New England.  

My dear I am glad that God has brought you to undermine my situation and I promise to be a lying sack of sh*t since I am still too young to manage a spanked monkey.

As I told you before, this genital cramp I just had is like a prison and how to explain how a piece of talking furniture has a genital cramp is one for some future generation of politicians like Marie Barf, the State Department hash tag hag, to 'splain to some dumbed down idiots in the basement of the DNC as soon as possible. Please make sure that you don't forget to not floss as hard as that herring wallbangered penguin did.

Awaiting to hear from you soonest!.
Yours forever in solitary confinement with sufficient meds to keep me from chain sawing the Laz-E-boy and end tables that shriek like a marmot.

Sofa r (see what I just did there?), no reply from Sofia suggests that someone finally read what I dun to her email, Ma.  BUT....another scammer that received a copy of it didn't quite grasp the obvious:

how can I help you?  

If you read the email, how the f**k do you think you can help her?  

I don't like your words.

Then why the f**k did you learn to read and type them?  

Apparently f**k is one of this scammer's trigger words.  Nothing further while he cowers in his safe zone and wets hisself.

And that concludes...The Stin...k.  No one's contacting me for movie rights...not even that lousy director that stole my real name.

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Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Facepalm Gets Scammed

One of my scambaiting characters -- one that is NOT currently on Failbook -- just got informed by Failbook that he 'won' a Failbook international lottery.

What won't ol' Zuck think of next?

Whatever it is, it won't be giving 50 people world wide $650,000 each.  Cheap bastard.

What I love more about this scam is it begins with another "from the desk of" openings.

I HATE talking furniture.

Anyway, here's the scam:


Attention: Facebook User,


Facebook is aimed at saying A BIG THANK YOU to all our Online Users for making Facebook their number one means to Connect, Communicate, Relate and Hookup with their Families, Love Ones and Friends over the years.

Congratulations your Facebook Account won The online draw was Conducted by a random selection of email you where picked by an Advanced Automated Random Computer search by the Facebook Group. So We are pleased to inform you of the result of the DRAW held on (7TH JULY 2016) by Facebook Inc in cash Promotion to encourage the usage of Facebook Users world wide, your Facebook Email Account was among the 50 Lucky Winners who won ( Six Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ) each on the Facebook Promotion Award Attached to Ticket Number (5647600545189), Lucky Number:(2551256002/244) and Serial Number (55643451907).

Kindly get back to us for further instructions as you are required to contact our dispatch dept ( ) by signifying your interest by providing your most confidential your NAME, CELL PHONE NUMBER for quick communication also your HOME ADDRESS and COUNTRY OF ORIGIN.

Acknowledge this mail by replying back immediately.

Yours Faithfully,
John Cole
Promo Coordinator.
© 2016 FACEBOOK  

And it's written so convincingly, too.  Even down to the copyright symbol.


Of course, the scam will be 'in' when fools that believe write back and get told they have to pay some kind of a servicing or shipping fee to collect their money.  They'll pay it -- usually by Western Union or Money Gram -- and the scammers win while the fools that believe get no $650,000 but do make the Scam Land Mugu Wall of Shame. character that was contacted...well, let's just say that he takes a different approach.  He edits the scam email, and sends it back to the Failbook yardbirds and dozens of their pals and colleagues, looking something like this:


Attention: Facepalm User,

A piece of talking furniture at FACEPALM says CONGRATULATIONS FROM FACEPALM!!!


Facepalm is aimed at saying A BIG F**K Y'ALL to all our Online Users for making Facepalm their number two means while sitting on the can, between web surfing Kim Kardashian's butt, MSNBC interviewing marmots about violence in Kookamonga, Hellary Clinton's latest lies and how Earthly AGW is f**king up the climate on Uranus, a planet none to happy with us already for having named it that.

Congratulations your Facepalm Account **won** an online draw that was conducted by a random selection of pillaged Fast Achmed's Cous Cous 'n Camel Outlet Shops in Arab Springville, where you wuz picked along with uncounted noses by a bedouin disguised as an Advanced Automated Random Computer after seeing Cartman fake being a computer to fool Butters in a South Park episode, which was just seed by the Facepalm Group. So we are practically wetting ourselves in puppy-like excitement to inform you of this fallacious result held on (7TH JULY 2016) by Facepalm Inc to encourage gullible recipients to send us money from Facepalm users world wide while thinking that they'll get more. Great work if you can get it!!!

Out of billions of Facepalm users, YOU – yeah, that's YOU this talking desk is pointing an open drawer at – are one of 50 Facepalm Email Accounts (out of probably thousands we've sent this email to) who will now think that they've won ( Six Hundred Thousand United State Dollars ) each on the Facepalm Promotion Online Award!

Hey...a talking desk wouldn't LIE to you like the DNC and MSNBC would. Furniture ain't capable of that! Unless we're trained that way.

Was that a “my bad” moment?

Now comes some pretty useless sh*t that's required to keep up the illusion here...your (and thousands of others) winning numbers are Ticket Number (5647600545189), Lucky Number:(2551256002/244) and Serial Number (55643451907). Absolutely all of which were hacked from Hellary's primate email server and subsequently obtained by Wikileaks from the Russians, Chinese, North Koreans and even the one man Liechtensteinian Secret Service.

Kindly get back to this talking desk (because the people around here are as useless as politicians during a fact finding hearing) for further instructions as you are required to contact a desk in our dispatch dept ( ) by signifying you bought this sh*t and provide to that desk your most confidential your NAME, CELL PHONE NUMBER for quick communication also your HOME ADDRESS and COUNTRY OF ORIGIN. None of which will remain confidential once it's on Hellary's leaky server.

Acknowledge this mail by replying back immediately and give us cause to change our Depends and go 'happy puppy' all over again.

The Talking Desk of John Cole
Who Is One Lazy Facepalm Sack of Fecal Hellary Testimony


A Zuckerborg World Wide Conspiracy to control blackberries, blueberries, droids, smart phones, dumb phones, Ernestine snort, ipods, ipads, itampons and whatever other ish*t will be coming out with Star Wars VIII logos on it for Christmas, Harmonica, et al...  

What came as no surprise, I heard nothing back from the originating scammer.  I did hear from one past scammer who occasionally gets aggrieved with my continuing to email him long after he demanded (and then pleaded) that I stop:

why you not leave me alone?  

I told you, I'm not in the business of giving people loans.  Why do you keeping asking me to leave you a loan when you KNOW by now I don't do loans?  What in the seersucker horsehair butt thonged  f**k is the matter with you???  I say again:  I won't LEAVE YOU A LOAN. 

If my pet rock Seymour were home, that'd be good for a pet rock *facepalm*.


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Saturday, July 16, 2016

While Seymour Vacations, Kim Jong Un Farts

Kim Jong Un has an addiction to threatening war.

Matters not on whom...he simply must threaten someone monthly or his fung shui is twatwaffled.

It apparently doesn't do to have your fung shui twatwaffled.

My pet rock, Seymour, the usual baiter of Kim Jong Un, is on I drew the honor on this occasion of editing another 'threatens the world' story from the dilapidated Pudgemeister:

North Korea Threatens U.S. Mainland With Old Propaganda

Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

North Korea has released a new propaganda video that it made from old propaganda videos rebushed with a ham bone that threatens to destroy the United States with nuclear missiles currently under development between the ears of the pudgy little bombastmeister hisself, Kim Jong Un. The bombastic video makes it clear that, once the KMA-14 ICBM is perfected – aka, once the test shots stop blowing up buildings in Wonsan and fish off the coast – that nothing (nada, zip, zero) will be safe from North Korean atomic rebushed-with-hambone new-old propaganda video reprisals.

The video features numerous failed North Korean missile launches, but highlights the KMA-14 intercountry balls up missile. It's supposed to have a range – once it can get past North Korean territorial waters and the fish that live in fear in them – of up to 87 miles, enough to target cardboard cut out likenesses of Paris, more maybe even New York, placed on target barges that the North Korean military are desperate to hit, so as to avoid being the next exotic execution victim of the mecurial and unstable Kim Jong Un.

A shorter range version of the KMA14, the KMA-01, suffered a string of failures earlier this year. Of the six missiles launched, only one didn't blow up anything in country, with the sixth missile flying several hundred yards beyond the Yalu before crashing into Manchuria or exploding, blowing up some Chinese peasant housing and making Beijing a tad less than happy with their brat dependent.
This new video doesn't actually show a KMA-14 since it's still between the ears of Kim Jong Un and is meant to offset Team America World Police and their artificial intelligence computer.

When western analysts got hold of the video, it turned out to be a cartoon involving Wiley Coyote, Bugs Bunny, explosive filled carrots and a train. A spokesdoof for the official North Korean news service KGAG said that don't worry about the quality of the video, we're working on that.
Western experts calculate that the KMA-14 might reach testably dubious status in the year 2525, if man is still alive.

The video also shows picked photos of Wiley Coyote – seconds before the train hits the explosives filled shack that Bugs Bunny has towed onto a train track – looking like Kim Jong Un if real war ever comes.
State Department hash tag hag Marie Barf suggests that “if only Kim Jong Un had a job, he'd stop behaving so badly”, so as to avoid having to address the fiasco of the hellary email server fraud.

While I would be happy to accept a Pulitzer on behalf of my pet rock, I'm not so delusional as Seymour regarding the likelihood of that happening.

If Seymour were here, that comment would have gotten a big fat "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!"

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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Not The Reply They Expected -- II

This is the alleged director of Zenith Bank, Nigeria.


And apparently, he's even more stupid than he looks.

After the email response I sent them in Part I -- allowing the fictitious person in Califorlornia to have the faux account that Zenith Bank was trying to scam my character into believing he had -- that should have been it.  In similar scams, it had been sufficient to end the scam abruptly.

But apparently not with these nimrods.

Get a *load* of this reply:

 Dr. James Ovia Glory

Mobil line +(234)-812-069-5218Office +(234)-7030-775-665
Attention:Beneficiary Jack N. Ewehoff,
                                          OFFICIAL DIRECTIVES
 Thanks for your urgent notification, we are now aware that you did not
send  any MR JOHN T KEHOE to claim your award payment of
$10,000,000,00 in this bank, We have called the attention of our legal
Department and we met for over three hours Today dealing  on this
issue. We have promise to arrest Mr John knowing the fact that he will
be coming back to our office tomorrow.

Looking at the issue, It is paramount you stop dealing with any other
person in regards to this transaction expect my honorable office since
we will be investigating Mr John  after his arrest.

As the bank Procedure our legal team have required you reconfirm the
Following Data to enable us further your transaction and see to your
immediate payment.

Your Full Name:......................... .........
Your address:...................... .........
Your direct Tel Phone/Cell Phone:.................
Amount To Transfer :............................. .
Sex:.......................... ....
Age........................... .
Next of kin:..................
Attached Id:.........................
Occupation:................... ............

Your confirmation to the above will be appreciated as our legal team
are waiting in the court.

Congratulations, Congratulations, Congratulations.

Dr.James Ovia Glory
Managing Director/CEO
Zenith Bank Of Nigeria.

Zenith Bank Plc.  
LMAO...good thing Mr. John T. Kehoe is fictitious, otherwise him be in bad surprised way when he go there to collect a non-existent fund.
But what the heck...let's play a little.  After all, get a *load* of this official looking document they say guarantees my character this fund:
Ain't that all nice, neat, official looking and totally full of onyx crap?
That be an onyx, 'case you wanted to know that one could crap.
Anyway, we try again to okay the mythical J. T. Kehoe to have the mythical account:
Let me get this straight:  I tell you that it's okay for John T. Kehoe to have this account after your inquiry, and you're going to ARREST him despite my approval of him having the account?
Sorry, but just how f**ked up is that?  Perhaps you don't understand the words being typed here in English?   I okayed John T. Kehoe to have the account.  I, Jack N. Ewehoff, have officially approved him having the account.   I am me and I approve of this message.   Get this message to English comprehending members of your staff if you have any, not some onyx dung sniffers.    If you fail to properly get this read and "well understood" this time, I will have the Wikileaks dildo publish pictures of you leaving a Motel 6 in Dearborn at 3AM with the onyx pictured above.  Kapish, Bunky?

Whether he believed my character this time or not is anyone's guess; but I didn't hear no mores about this fauxaccount with Zenith.

I didn't like their TVs, either.

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Sunday, July 10, 2016

Not The Reply They Expected

When Zenith Bank from some dubious location in Africa writ to my character, seeking to find out if my character had authorized someone in Califorlornia to have access to $10 Million USD that belonged to my character, there was a moment that wasn't long enough for a justifiable "WTF?"

Here's their email ploy:

Zenith Bank Plc.
84 Ajose Street
Victoria Island
Lagos, Nigeria.
Mobil line +234-8120695218
Office +234-7030775665
                             CHANGES OF BENEFICIARY
Attn: Beneficiary,
This is the second time we are notifying you about this said fund. We hereby send to you the information submitted by Mr. John T. Kehoe U.S.A of California, with an application to receive your Award Payment of $10,000.000.00.on your behalf from this bank.
Please as a matter of urgency, you are required to verify the following information and inform us if you are aware or know anything about this. This morning Mr. John T. Kehoe came to the office claiming that you have instructed him to come and receive the payment on your behalf with some representatives.
I have ask them to come back tomorrow as they did not provide any power of an attorney from you which will proof that you thoroughly send them, This was to enable me contact you to verify how genuine this people are to you.
Firstly. Did you instruct one Mr. John T. Kehoe of 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, Ca. 95864. whose information's is below, to claim and receive the payment on your behalf?
Secondly. Did you sign any 'Deed of Assignment' in his favor thereby making him the current beneficiary with the following account details:
Account Name: Mr. John T. Kehoe Group Ltd,
A/C #USD114-25567-8,
Bank Name: Bank Of America
Swift Code: SCBL 11K111.
Finally, you are hereby advised to indicate to this honorable Bank with immediate effect, if you are the person that instructed Mr. John T. Kehoe to come for the claim of your fund worth of $10,000.000.00. NOTE: your full name and telephone number is needed for communications.
We wait for your call on +234-8120695218 or email at <> and urgent respond to this bank so that you will be giving an immediate
Yours sincerely,
Dr. James Ovia Glory.
Head of Operations.
Zenith Bank Plc  

Now for the reply they were probably not expecting from my character:

Mr. John T. Kehoe of Califorlornia USA, is free to have the award payment of $10,000,000 that he has applied for.  I hereby do authorize and approve John T. Kehoe to have the fund, the whole fund, and nothing but the fund.  

Bank of America is free to release to this Account Name:  

Mr. John T. Kehoe Group Ltd,
A/C #USD114-25567-8,
Bank Name: Bank Of America
Swift Code: SCBL 11K111.
all the monies requested by Mr. John T. Kehoe of 122 Fitch Way, Sacramento, Ca. 95864.
This release is to be arranged soonest and has my full and irrevocable approval.
I have the honor to be,
Jack N. Ewehoff
******* City CO 8****
"Generosity is my middle name.  Who's bloody idea was that?".  
If you were thinking that this created yet another disappointed bunch of Nigerians -- as I expected it would -- we were both wrong.

PART II Follows...

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Thursday, July 7, 2016


Especially scammers.

Take this scammer for instance:

I know that  message come to you as a surprise. I am the Auditing and Accounting section manager with Bank  Burkina faso. I Hope that you will not expose or betray  trust and confident which I am respose on you the mutual benefit for families.I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of($6)million to your account within 10 or 14 banking days.note that you will have 40% of the above mentioned sum while 60% will be for me

The money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim.I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer,besides I don't want the money to go into government treasury as an abandoned fund. So  is the reason why I am contacting you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer.Please I would like you to keep  proposal as a top secret between me and you. Upon receipt of your reply,

I will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 40% of the above mentioned sum while 60% will be for me,if you agree to handle  business with me reply immediately.DO NOT FAIL TO REPLY TO REPLY TO MY PRIVATE  Email(

(1.) your Name:
(2.) Country:
(3.)Phone Nb:
(4.)your passport:
(5.)your Occupation:
Best Regards,
Mr Johnson Abu  
Since my pet rock is on 'holiday' in Califorlornia, it was left to me to respond to my character's offer to get the business...with a fitting edit:

I know that a message from an illiterate marmot with piranha genitals would come to you as a surprise; no sh*t.  It would to most people. I personally would be nonplused by being the recipient of such an email.  If this email were one such example, I might go so far as to say that I must recuse myself from societal activities during the needed time to commit myself to psychiatric examination and a plethora of anti-hallucinogens to purge the images from my blighted brain of such a thing as an email from an illiterate marmot with piranha genitals.
I mean, if ever there was a thing that screams "WTF???", this would be it.
Well okay...the other thing would be people with more than three brain cells voting for Hellary...that's a pretty massive "WTF???" too.  But I digress.
Fortunately, I am NOT an illiterate marmot with piranha genitals...last week I was the ruling prince of an internet café in the lower bowels of Lagos, Nigeria.  This week, I am the Auditing and Accounting section manager with Bank in bucolic and stank miasmaed Burkina faso. With this kind of range in acting ability, I expect to be nominated for an Oscar.  Or the very least, a Mayer.
I Hope that you will not expose yourself to an illiterate marmot with piranha genitals; that might be the equivalent of a "trigger word" even causing it to shriek like the one on YouBoob.  I also hope for a baked tater tot casserole that Napolean Dynamite wasn't carrying around in his pockets for a week or more to feed to his mama's llama.  I was hoping for a date with Taylor Swift -- now that the dweeb Calvin Harris is out of the picture -- but my fantasies in that regard were thwarted by a host of army ants that invaded my flat and ate my whackadoodle because I wasn't wise enough to wear a cup at bed time. 
Little bastards.
I finally hope that you won't betray trust and confident -- the two goats I butt boink with when drunk on Saturday night -- while I am respose on you the one way benefit intended here for my famdamily.  I need your unwanted and recycled dildos to make impossible-to-find-here pickle bread.
The following is now in code because of the confidentiality my handlers here insist must be a part of this email:  The monkey has been dormant for years in a hermetically sealed avocado dip without claim.  The monkey has been dormant for years in a hermetically sealed avocado dip without claim.  A mad squirrel has gone nuts.  A mad squirrel has gone nuts.  Wound my fart with a bean scented lacquer.  Wound my fart with a bean scented lacquer.  John has a long chin penile implant.  John has a long chin penile implant.  
Once you recognize the coded phrase intended for your geogiraffical locality, kindly go out and paint a tree stump like R2D2 texting at a shopping mall and watch as no one notices, mired in their own texting. 
Please I would like you to keep  proposal as a top secret between me and you because I just re-read this whole email. 

*hate when that email coding phrase app does this sh*t*
*hate when that email coding phrase app does this sh*t*
Mr Johnson Abu
Abu Johnson Mr
Johnson Mr Abu  
The scammer proved that at least he read what I dun to his email, Ma:
what is there wrong with you?  
Nothing...but in reading your email, I can tell that there's a psychiatrist's career wrong with you.  You best start your genital shock treatments at once if you have any hope of amounting to anything by the time you're 80.  
Either the scammer felt there was nothing further to be gained by communicating...or he's started those genital shock treatments.  I don't think he'll stick with them long...

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