Pilates Of the Email Scamdom

Relax.  It just goes down hill from h'yar.

A Chinese ship building firm contacted one of my characters, recruiting them to be their regional account representative in the US.

Ain't that quaint.

Here's a part of their chow mein:

Cheoy Lee Shipyards Hong Kong is a based parent company which was founded in 1870. Deals in prospective new and used boats, agents and brokers with the yard and main administrative offices in Hong Kong.

Cheoy Lee continues to be a family owned and run business having been in the Lo family for over a century since its formation. With a rich and diverse history in both commercial and pleasure craft ship construction, Cheoy Lee were one of the pioneers in the use of fiberglass yacht construction in the early 1960's, which began to replace the traditional teak motor and sail boats that the company produced at that time. Always having strong ties to the United States, which has remained a major trading partner for nearly fifty years, the company has delivered nearly 5,000 vessels to date. Indeed the majority of the pleasure craft purchasing is done from the Ft. Lauderdale office, ensuring availability for parts and replacement items for ease of maintenance and warranty work. 

We are pleased to have received your reply upon your interested in been our company's Account Representative in your region, this is due to the high demand of commodities of our products and services in the North American region and yet we do not have access to debiting from our North American Account clients pay into and also we are unable to transfer funds from our own account in North America to other vendors around the globe, need not to explain to you how this is bad for business.

Transactions go slow and this is the reason we have contacted you to partner with us and be able to assist us with the challenge, as you would be compensated fairly and paid accordingly. What we require from you is for you to stand as an Account Representative in your region, whereby we can be able to link our North American account to yours and diverse means on how to transfer our customer's funds to you directly, there after you would keep proper record of every transaction made through you and you would also be provided with customers details that you would be assigned to in your region that would make others through you and make payments directly you.  

 

Very nice.  But rather than just blindly accept their offer to give me the nautical business, I had my pet rock, Seymour, tie on an eye patch and with a hearty *arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* -- that gave him an audible hernia ("did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFT!") -- edit their email offer a tad: 

Chee Kee Shipyards Hong Kong is a based parent company which was founded in 1978 after the Peter Sellers movie, Revenge Of The Pink Panther. Deals in prospective crashed and trashed ships, boats, skiffs, scows, prams, inner tubes, rubber ducks, petrified triremes, yachts and arks are what we let people think we're about, with the yard and main administrative offices in Hong Kong, as far from the wrecks as we can get.

Chee Kee continues to be a mob family owned and run business having been in the Wun Hung Lo family since its formation. With a dubious and diverse history in both commercial and pleasure craft ship construction, Chee Kee were/is/was/wants ta be one of the pioneers in the use of flabberass yacht construction in the early 1980's, which began to replace the traditional leaky teaky motor and sail boats that the company copied at that time. Always having strong ties to the Somali Navy, which has remained a major embarrassment for the past 30+ years, the company has had ripped off nearly 500 assorted vessels by the Somali pirates to date. Indeed the majority of the pleasure craft hijacking is done from the Ft. WTF office, somewhere on the Somalia coast, ensuring availability for hostages and bounties aplenty.

We are pleased to have received your reply upon your interested in been our company's Account Representative in your region, this is due to the high demand of piratical activities that our products fall prey to and yet we do not have access to getting our cut from Somali pirates for whatever bounties they do garner from the shameless use of our craft.  Need not to explain to you how this is bad for business.

 

This isn't the reason we have contacted you to partner with us and be able to assist us with the challenge; we are hoping that you will put together a piratical navy of your own and conquer the inland waterways of your region of your country, and we'll *wink* and *nod* as you would be compensated fairly and paid accordingly. What we require from you is for you to (a) procure the necessary naval assets (b) hire crews (c) pillage and terrorize inland waterways in your regional area and (d) cut us in for a percentage of the take.  

Without delay we wish to employ you thus, as Captain Jack Sparrow has shown the way in the Caribbean, Captain Hook in Neverland, Captain and Tennille on TV, and Captain Morgan in liquor.  With you handling piractical activities in your immediate area, we are 100% certain that our customers in the Democrapic National Committee are pleased with this idea and strategy.  How they expect those oversized pant suits to propel any ship carrying Hellary's big ass, we do not know.

We have a target of gaining the total control of all Earthly waterways, so your aid would be highly required in the regard of been our "Piratical Account Representative", you are entitled to 10% for every hijacking accomplished and a monthly pay that increases every successful Six Months of operating as *arrrrrrr* partner in this regard. In acceptance to *arrrrr* proposal, *arrrrrrr* attorney would however send to you a copy of M.F.P.A.* to authenticate *arrrrrrr* partnership as we cannot be in business with you without authenticating the illegality of *arrrrrrr* dealings and to ensure we both meet us with *arrrrrrrr* duties as partners akin to Captains Blood and Levasseur were, prior to their fighting over Olivia De Havilland.

We wonder if you see what we just did there in *arrrrrrrr* own little way.

* Mother F***ing Piratical Agreement

To proceed further, kindly fill and send to us the requested details below:

Full Name:.................

Sea Going Rank:...............

Last Pirate Ship Commanded:..................

Sea Going Address:................

Home Phone: ... ... ....

Mobile: ... ... ....

Morse Code or Semaphore:

E-mail Addr:

Ginger or Mary Ann:

We encourage you to partner with us as you would be of great aid to this company and also we would oblige to be exceedingly beneficial to us and our business.

We await your anticipated swift, rapier reply,

Sincerely,

Mr. Ken Wun Hung Lo

Position: Director

CHEE KEE SHIPYARDS VERY LIMITED 

89 & 91 Wang Chung Street West 

CowMOOOON

Hong Kong, China

(just down the coast from Schenectady) 

 

 

Seymour's subject relevant (sorta) editing did not get us a job, but it did draw this from the scammers:

 

do not write to us again you fool  

 

Which of course guarantees that they'll be hearing from us on every subsequent edit.

 

Arrrrrrrrr.