Friday, October 30, 2015

More Illuminincompoops Try Their Luck

The more the various Nigerian Illuminincompoops try, the more they fail.

This latest one would try testing parachutes that open on impact, me thinks:

Are you a business man or an Artist, Politicians and you want to become big, Powerful and famous in the world, join us to become one of our official member today. you shall be given an ideal chance to visit
the Illuminati and his representative after registrations is completed
by you, no sacrifice, or human life needed, Illuminati cult brings
along wealth and famous in life, you have a full access to eradicate
poverty away from your life now. it only a member who is been
initiated into the church of Illuminati have the authority to bring
any member to the church, so before you contact anybody you must be
link by who is already a member, Join us today and realize your
dreams. we also help out our member in protection of drugs pushing,
once you become a member you will be rich and famous for the rest of
your life, Illuminati make their member happy,after initiation you
will be given the sum of 2 MILLION DOLLARS AND A HOUSE IN ANY PART OF

My pet rock, Seymour -- fresh from his road trip to West Virginia and ever ready to mess widda illuminincompoop -- edited it thus:

Are you a dung beetle, termite infested tree stump, or just an abject dumbass

from Nigeria or thereabouts and you want to become an even lower life twit
by joining us to become one of our official member today, and become one
of the biggest jokes in the world where average people laugh their asses off
at you and you are recognized as the intellectual equal to a goat turd.

To join our Illuminumbnuts arrrganization after registrations is completed
by you, you must sacrifice a herd of domestic animals chosen by us.
This will bring nothing good into your life, but it will bring us the
satisfaction to know that we've found another mugu dumbass out there
that we could sucker.  it only a member who is been initiated into the fouled
pants of Illuminumbnuts and uses a baphomet dildo that have the authority to bring
any member to the church, so before you contact anybody you must be
link by who is already a member in suck ass standing with genital warts.

Join us today and realize your biggest mistake in life was doing so! 
And it quickly became apparent that we not dealing with any ordinary illuminincompoop:  
that not what i write!  you take change by upset powers behind your comprehend! Nigerian illuminincompoop is like all Nigerian illuminincompoops.  And this is exactly what you write!   PHFFFFFFFT!  
no is not!  you are handed our temple for punishment!  you will see!  
Yes is too!!!  I PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT on your temple and I PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT on you!  See THIS!
i warn you not again and you not write for forgive because it too late for you.  
You just guarantee that I write you in perpetuity, Poodle Lips.  I laughingly DEFY another Nigerian illuminincompoop FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My pet rock, Seymour, was in his element (writing a lode) ("Did NOT!  PHFFFFFFFFT!"), and began pouring copies of every responded to scammer email possible into the account.
Until the emails began to *bounce*.
Which means that my pet rock lost his one (thousandth) and only (few thousand more yet to come) chance to become a Nigerian illuminincompoop.  While somewhere in Nigeria, an illuminincompoop temple is getting really frustrated that the more they try, the less effective they are at turning me, my characters OR my pet rock into a waffle iron...which, on the eve of Halloween, might be useful for a day or so...


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Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Another "Oh Whoops" Chinese Wheelie

Another Chinese "company" motorized scooter FAIL.

And it started like this:

Re:30% Discount!Iwheel China electric scooter, two wheels self balancing scooter, electric scooter price China with Suprising Gift,Free Shipping!    

The 'suprising' gift was intended to be that you pay for it, and don't get it  ;-)

Instead, the seque knock-offs encountered a different kind of character, Frank Unsteen:

Thanks for your inquiry.We are glad to inform you that the price of Iwheel China electric scooter, two wheels self balancing scooter, electric scooter price China is $90/ Piece .Any questions,please feel free to contact us.  
How many pieces is one chair?  
Excuse please?  What mean by this?  
You said it's $90/piece.  So how many pieces do I need to buy to make one scooter?
Each scooter is 12 pieces.  How many you want?  
It takes 12 pieces to make one scooter?  
Yes.  How many you want?  
Are the pieces $90 each or a completed scooter is $90 each?  
Each Iwheel China electric scooter is $90 each.  
Why is it in 12 parts?  
It come full assemble.  How many you want?  
You just said it came in 12 pieces.  Are they assembled pieces or disassembled pieces?  
Do you want to place order?  
Do you have delivery?  
Yes we can ship by normal mean.  Must know how many you want?  
Okay, I'll take 10.  With a side of egg rolls and fried rice.  
You pay in advance Western Union or Money Gram?  
No I pay on delivery.
You must pay in advance.  We don't send without pay.  
I don't pay without delivery.  
We don't do business that way.  
I don't get given the business my way.  
Sorry,we are only shipped out after you paid. 
Where are you shipped out to after I paid?  Timbuktu?  
That's what I asked you.

Sadly, that ended our correspondence.  I wanted to know where they were shipped out to after I paid.
Hope it isn't Seattle.

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Saturday, October 24, 2015

Letters From Santa Upsetting The PCites?

My pet rock, Seymour, was offended.

It was still September, and he's getting this kind of spam in his inbox.

Not that Seymour hisself is offended by the idea h'yar:  like any good parental pet rock, Seymour has kids after his visit to Califorlornia and a tryst with Julia Sandstone (which Sandee of Comedy Plus knows all about).

Seymour is a tad annoyed that he's not sure where all of his kids are, and doesn't know how to send his geologic prodigy anything like this.

And can't because I won't pay for it.


Seymour sounds more and more like Bill the Cat.

But that isn't what has my pet rock really sore.  He's sore at the lefties that want Santa to be dispensed with, on accounta cuz the politically correct feel that Santa offends some segments of society that the Left sucks up to.


For a change, that wasn't directed to me.

So my pet rock, Seymour, felt that this message from Santa was fitting to all those lefties out there that don't want to offend anyone other than folks that rather enjoy Santa Claus:
Tastelessness aside, Seymour wasn't done with expressing himself toward the sniveling Left:

Seymour thought a Christmas 'moon' was due the holiday PC crowd.

I kinda thought the previous image was perfectly workable for them.  But Seymour doesn't want there to be any doubt about what he thinks of the political correctness nonsense the Left has spewed like projectile vomit on college campuses and such:

Which my traditionalist pet rock thinks is abject political correctness nonsense.  This brings him to want to post stuff like this in defiance of the politically correct nincompoops:

Since he heard that images like this send some lefties to the bushes to "hurl".  The rest of us rather enjoy it.

Long as the lefty isn't hurling in OUR bushes.

So even though it isn't even yet Halloween, the politically incorrect pet rock demanded a post so that he could "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!" at political correctness in general, and Santa-offended specifically.


Seymour -- digressing as a pet rock is wont to do -- ("am NOT!!!") doesn't want to forget the immediately upcoming holiday, and wants to send a salute to the Left for their current candidate of choice, hellary.

Ah, my politically incorrect pet rock...ornery as always.

Send your comments to Seymour PetRock at and the pet rock will be happy to respond.


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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Scammers Now Watching Out For Falling Houses

Yoda's glad he died long before I received this scam.

Here we go with another spell caster testy-moneyal:

Greets from a happy heart,
   I am Mr. Lawson Wallet, I am from United States, I want to testify the goodness of to the world what Dr. Ubakassi done In my life and my family, I was having a lot of problems in my life December last year, I lost my job and my girlfriend Anita whom is now my lovely wife also left me for nor just cause my life was like living hell until a friend told me about Dr. Ubakassi who she said helped her when she was having similar situation, she advice me to contact him for help and i contacted Dr. Ubakassi on the 15th of December, I explained my situation to him and he told me the root of all my problems and thereafter Dr. Ubakassi perform a ritual and he told me that my story will turn around within 3 days and to my greatest surprise on the second day which was on Monday the 17th of December, i was called for a job and when i got to the office i was offered a job and that same day my girlfriend called me and she start crying and begging me to please forgive her that she don’t know what she was doing, the next morning she came to my house and knee before me still begging forgive her and she promise me that she will never do anything to hurt me again i accepted her back and we are now happly married, Since I knew Dr. Ubakassi my story has indeed turnaround of good and all thanks goes to Dr. Ubakassi who has make the difference in my entire life.
 My advice to people out there having similar situation or people in need of solution to  fundamental problems of life is that there are still real spiritualist in the word who can perform wonders and if you are in need of any spiritual help i will recommend Dr. Ubakassi because he has done it for me and I believe he will also do it for you if you consult he for solution, If you wish to contact Dr. Ubakassi kindly write he via his private email address: and please tell him i recommend you.
Thanks for reading my testimony and I pray that God should use men such as Dr. Ubakassi to help others in need of spiritual solution to any problems.
Lawson Wallet  
And THEN, testy-moneyal meets my edit:
Greets from a enlarged heart,
   I am Mr. Lawson Wallet, a pocket implement from United States, I want to testify about the time I was just walking along down a goat path in Nigeria, admiring the smell of cannibals eating missionaries, when *poof* in front of me there appeared a plunger lipped Yoda looking bastard witch doctor of dubious antecedence and no genitals, who identified itself as Dr. Ubakassi. 
Surprised, I responded "WTF and WTF did you come from?"  The first "WTF" was "What TF" and the second "WTF" was "Where TF", in case you're a democrat on commie core.

And before I could question if this tribal eunuch was the result of my having had something laced in my coffee, *poof*....he turned me into a pocket implement (wallet).


Since then I lost my job and my girlfriend Anita whom is now my lovely wife also left me for nor just cause my life was like living hell, thanks to this Obolascare tool Dr. Ubakassi who keeps trying to recreate a scene from the Wizard of Oz and keeps dropping outhouses on Hellary's crimepaign.

Since i accidentally contacted Dr. Ubakassi and was turned into a pocket implement, life sucks.  
 My advice to people out there is if you're walking along and minding your own business in Nigeria or anywhere, and this Yoda looking bastard suddenly appears before you, run him over with a yak or something.  And send his email address to The View: and please tell them that this Yoda looking bastard is coming for their birth control.
Thanks for reading my testimony and I pray to a feather lined toilet seat named Odumassego that a yak stomps the shit out of men such as Dr. Ubakassi.  That would be a solution to any problems.
Pissed off because I'm a tri-fold,
Lawson Wallet  
While my pet rock is hiding behind sheets of tin foil -- he hopes that will deflect any spells cast my way -- the scammers are once again flummoxed into silence.
They don't want to wind up with a hellary outhouse falling on them, too.

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Sunday, October 18, 2015

Not So Long Ago...

around a planet in, sadly, our own galaxy probably not far enough away, comes a rumor that from one or more of the Earth's observatories, something perhaps alien has been spotted orbiting it.

Something technologically alien.


A post in an online article that initially reported this used a picture of the Death Star and an Empire star destroyer from Star Wars VI as the teaser for this announcement.

My pet rock, Seymour, had an interesting -- if irreverent -- take on this story, and cranked up his *edit* mode accordingly, most likely to the 'dislike' of the Demoncrap Nincompoop Committee, Debbil Washingmachine Snitz, chairpoison:

Something alienesque possibly spotted orbiting a distant star and ominously headed our way

Scientists – with again, unsettled science – recently identified an irregular mess orbiting a distant star that defies most natural and human explanations.

By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS

Nestled between the constellations of Cygnus and Dumbass sits what might be the strangest, most mysterious thing ever seed in our galaxy. No, it isn't the planet, nor is it the star, designated as KMA 8462852, which is not particularly unusual in and of itself. What's odd is what astronomers have spotted orbiting it: an irregular mess that appears unnatural, possibly even alien.

And claims to be running for president.

The irregular mess has been known for quite some time, but this is the first time that it's been detected by the Kepler Space Telescope. Which is understandable: cnn and pmsnbc have been evasively misreporting on it for years.

The irregular mess identified approaching from the direction of KMA 8462852, however, was unlike any discovered among the over 150,000 stars that have been analyzed by the Kepler Space Telescope. The irregular mess suggested that KMA 8462852 was surrounded by a whole jumble of politically toxic objects in extremely disfigured formation. Such a pattern might be expected from a millennial TV show of leftist antecedence, with young skulls of mush corrupted by marxist-leaning professors.

“We’d seen this before, but never so disheveled,” explained Abuda Abigliar, a postdouche at Yale. “It was really weird when first observed and has done nothing but get weirder.”

It should be reiterated that this mess is severely irregular to the conventional, logical and rational mind. But not to a leftist Occutard or freebie seeker. It's not something that should be tolerated naturally. And it's coming this way.

So what is it? Scientists have considered a number of scenarios, from cosmic painful rectal itch, to thing from a Bloom County anxiety closet, to common sense being overcome by leftist abject stupidity. But at this juncture the list of possible explanations has been narrowed to two. First, it's possible that the irregular mess could be a long lost TV signal that went deep into space, bounced off of something, and is reflecting back to Earth.

The second possibility that can't be ruled out is a wild one, but wholly expected by lamestream servile mediocres at substandard places like cnn and pmsnbc: there is no reasonable explanation for the irregular mess headed this way from KMA 8462852 at all. It's likely that it's alien, illegal, and is only fit to serve a prison term.

“When [I was shown] the data, I was fascinated by how f***ed up cnn and msnbc were to misrepresent this in reporting,” explained Mason Jarr, a political astronomer from Penn Straightjacket University, to WTFNS. “Criminally leftist aliens should always be the very last hypothesis you consider, but this looked like something you would expect a criminal leftist alien political party to try to foist on a civilized planet.”

The next observation isn't expected to happen until the next demoncrap talking points drivelfest, however. Depending on how much credulity can be suspended, follow-up research would occur in the ensuing months.

One thing is certain: truth IS out there. Just not forthcoming from this irregular mess headed our way from KMA 8462852. It could be the most exciting news to leftist pot heads in drum circles around Occutard EPA superfund sites in Kaliforlornia and NY; or just a very bad Halloween nightmare movie from Hollyweird.

We may find out soon enough.

My pet rock is still patiently waiting for his Pulitzer in editing; I still contend he has a better chance at garnering a Pull My Fanger, or a gesturic version from the Stupor Volunteers of the alien featured in this post.

"Will NOT!!!"


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Thursday, October 15, 2015

So Sorry Prease

A Chinese manufacturing scammer doesn't like my character no mores.

So much for a free egg roll with any scam over $20.

Here's how that scam began:


This is Ms Lee from Changzhou Airwheel Technology Co., Ltd

Our Airwheel's leading products, namely interlligent electric scooters. Our Airwheel has exported to more than 70 countries, taken over 60% global market share.   We are always dedicated to make Airwhel to be an International brand. Followed by market fashion trend, we hold our new products launches every year.   That is to say, we have realized the grand leap from "made in China" to "Created in China".  

4 series: X-series (X3, X5, X8), Q-series (Q1, Q3, Q5, Q6), S-series (S3, S5), A-series (A3).
X-series: single wheell, lighter, portable, easy to turn direction, can play all kinds of fancy skills;
Q-series: twin wheels, more stable, easier to get balanced, easier to learn;
S-series: wide two hub models, with handle bar & control shaft & LED screen, with front and rear light, Bluetooth speaker placed inside, remote control keys;
A-series: only developed by Airwheel, added a seat, electronic brake system, more personalized
All our products are approved by CE, ROHS, UN38.3, MSDS.
Have you luckily tried any models of Airwheel or other electric scooter before? If not yet ,would you want to try now?

Yours sincerely, 

Sales Manager
Airwheel Technology Holding ( USA ) CO.,LTD
Changzhou Airwheel Technology Co., Ltd 
Tel: +86-519-8829-6900
Mob: +86 15961180003
Skype: airwheel13

FL.9 Zhongchuang Building,No.396 Tongjiang Rd,Xinbei District,Changzhou City,Jiangsu Province,China,213022  
My character got it "rolling" right off in response:
that's nice.  Does it come with a free egg roll with each purchase?  
That apparently wasn't the kind of response the scammer is used to:
We have checed your last email, but we could not understand what you mean
Our products are electric scooter, here attached the basic introduction of our products.
You could check and make a referrence.
If you have any doubts, pls feel free to let us know.  
If at first you don't succeed...confuse again:
Okay, I'd like to order a pupu platter, sesame chicken and won ton soup.   You do have take out, right?  
Nor apparently was that response typical for this scammer:
We are a factory which dealing in Electric scooter, not a restaurant. I think you have mistand us.  
Who, me?  Mistand my scammy friend?  Preposterous:
So you're telling me that you won't be delivering my order?  Dang.  What good are meals on wheels if you don't deliver?  BTW are you Cantonese or Szechuan?  
A rather dim bulb is starting to come on in Scamland:
You are not serious.  pls stop with this.  We are serous business okay.  No joker. 
What joker?  I crave crispy duck?  You got an egg drop soup lunch special?  And your motorized TV dinner trays are funky, too.  Do they include placemats with Chinese astrological stuff?  
The low wattage bulb has finally achieved maximum burn....all dozen or so watts of it:
Go way.  
Is that like a segue, or moo goo gai pan?  
Political correctness was never my strength...



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Monday, October 12, 2015

Smart Meets Smart Ass

This scammer is wondering why he didn't think up this scam first.

Probably a lot of reasons, including intellectual dysfunction, but I digress.

Here's a cute one allegedly from the Far East:

Dear sir,
We are Smart Ring manufacturer, which specializes in this field for years. Our products
are with good quality and reasonable prices. Just to visit our website below, believe you
will like our products.
Any inquiry are welcome!

Best regards,

Jakcom Technology Co., Ltd.      Focusing the ---Smart Wearable---
Add.: No.26 Shuangta Street, Taiyuan City, China
Tel.:+86 0351 4858575
Fax:+86 0351 4383818
Cell Phone: +86 18434308746
Skype: mandy86111314  

Even without input from the pet rock, Seymour, I could see where this edit was headed:

Dear sir,
We are Smart Ass Ring manufacturer, which specializes in this field for years. Our Smart Ass Ring products are of dubious quality, work spottily, insult about anyone
at any given moment or event, are guaranteed 100% politically incorrect, are NOT
endorsed by the Demoncrapic Nincompoop Committee (Debbil Washingmachine Snitz, chairpoison)
or the hashtag queen Marie Barf
and are unreasonably priced higher than iwatches, ipens, ipods, itoiletpaper, ipricks and other igenitals.  Just to visit our website below and you'll want to scrub your eyes with Brillo pads to remove the images you see therein, as we also dabble in Chinese pornography with goats, chickens and pandas in most compromising positions with Chinese political leaders and Anthony Weiner. 
If you're a full blowd perv, we believe you'll know what we just did there and will like our products.  Any inquiry about where we're hiding hellary's emails and compromising photos of her doing yaks are welcome!

Best regards,

Jakkinoff Technology Customers World Wide UnLtd.      
Add.: No.26 Shuangta Street, Taiyuan City, China
Tel.:+86 0351 4858575
Fax:+86 0351 4383818
Cell Phone: +86 18434308746

The response from the scammer was gratifying:

don't ever contact me again.  

Which means that you know I hadda:

You contacted me first.  It was only fitting that I respond in a manure that met you half way from the scam hole you were writing from.  No need to thank me; I know you appreciate the return of the level of courtesy you intended to deliver.

I don't reckon I'll get another chance to buy a 'smart ring', eh?  ;-)

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Friday, October 9, 2015

Getting It Wright...Not

Another day another half dozen scammers.

But this one caught my attention for a nanosecond; his name was Stephen Wright.


Then I realized that the real one is spelled Steven Wright.


Still, that made for an ideer in the edited reply.


The faux Wright was running the old "overbilling" scam as part of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation.

The edit added to and took off therefrom:

Corporate Hindquarters
NNPC Outhouse Central Business District
General Sani Abacha Curds 'n Wey
P.M.B 190 Garki Abuja

Eh Day

My Name is Mr. Stephen Wright I am a forgotten comic from HBO and other televisionals and now I kinda make due fronting with the Nigerian National Petroleum Jelly Corporation (NNPJC).  I have the privilege to request you to buy our jelly.  Please.  No one is buying our jelly.  We can't give the sh** away.  We tried.  We set ten pallot loads of it down in front of looters in Burntimore during their riots, and would you believe that the stupid sons 'n broads of bitches took everything not nailed down EXCEPT our jelly?

So what if it don't taste like Schmuckers?  I's 100% petroleum JELLY.  Okay, so it's darker than grape.  Yeah, it doesn't taste like apple butter, but dammit all, it LOOKS like apple butter.  We even had signs on the sides of the crates that said "Free Obola phone for every crate looted".

Guess we should have picked a somewhat less dumbed down loot-worthy town, like where the National Democrapic Committee dump sits.

Since this was the only gig I could get after HBO cancelled my *Yawn 2014* tour, I really need y'all to buy this sh** by the case.  If I don't make good at this, they may transfer me to writing emails from a fly infested internet cafe, trying to convince you that I'm a rich dying widow or a rich refugee or something stupid like that.

It's either that, or I take a job in Siberia shoveling yak sh**.

I am not ready to transfer to Siberia so that is where you come in. It is important to inform you that as uncivil servants in a Third World dump, we are forbidden to acknowledge to Trey Gowdy how many times we donated to the Clinton Crimepaign Foundation, in return for Bill showing up to help inseminate our goat herds; that is why I am requiring for your assistance to erase the emails that might show that.  I think they might be stored on Hellary's third email server that's hidden in the bathroom, cleverly disguised as a second water tank on the toilet.  It was my idea.

If you are interested, please write back to me and I will provide further details and instructions on how legality really doesn't matter if you're a lying, sack of sh** democrap of dubious antecedence; all you got to do is yell "*pick your grievance* ISM!!!" and msnbc will spend a month of 24/7 coverage explaining why it's part of the war on vaginal implants manufactured in Toledo.  

The transfer is risk free for Iran, because neither Obola or that horse faced boob Kerry will enforce anything on them.  I have video of Kerry swiftbloating a camel to prove his insincerity so that the Iranians would laugh at him behind his back and stop yelling "Death to Heinz products!" which caused his wife to make him sleep on a porcupine a block away from the house.

If you find any part of this proposal acceptable, I shall know that you violate small animals and cans of Spam.

Your Full Name
Your Home Address
Your Cell Phone Number
Your Fax Number
A Copy Of Your Inflatable Hellary XXXXXXL Pants Suit with Gravity Restraints

Please reply urgently on

Bland, vacuous regards, which used to be my schtick,

Mr. Stephen Wright   
The scammer didn't apparently know how to take the edit.  That was that.
But I received a humidifier and dehumidifier in the mail from a 'SW'.  Now they're dueling in the living room and my coffee maker is too busy taking bets from the other appliances to make my coffee...          

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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

The Email Had Obolacare Apparently

Hellary busy crossing up herself.

Meantime, I had a scammer that crossed up hisself as well.

He's probably advising Hellary on how to lie about classified emails.

Here's the opening salvo from a scammer amusingly named "Bright Paul":

Hello sir
    I hope this mail gets to you in good health? To properly introduce my self I'm Bright paul a citizen of NIGERIA, I'm 24 years old. A student of Ambros Ali University (AAU). Studying engineering. I have being in school for two years now which makes me in 200 level(grand
two). I had know ideal life could be this difficult not until I lost my uncle who was mainly responsible for my education, takes good care of me right from my secondary school(high school) to my first year in the university. He died last year from a brief illness, ever since
then I have being hustling to survive.     To be honest with you I need help, for I can't continue with my education. I have tried several means to make money but the money I get from my hustling can't even pay quarter of my school fees or take less to feed. Nobody wants to help me for I'm frustrated and confuses so I decided to search for a helper in the internet.     I know it is hard believing my story or trust someone from the internet now this days but only God knows I need a helper. I'm ready to do anything you ask of me just to get back to school and be able to
pay my fees.


Typical bunkum 'n bosh, but...note the added emphasis I added on his first sentence:  I hope this mail gets to you in good health?  

Perhaps he emailed me from a knowd diseased server, like Hellary's?

No matter.  Instead of an edit, I let my character's response tee off on his opening sentence:

Sir, I have the unpleasant duty to inform you that your email arrived here in critical condition, suffering a condition knowd in some dubious medical circles as hellarytextualdysfunctionolorsis.  Despite some of the most valiant efforts that were never attempted at revivial -- our first responder was wearing an empire stormtrooper helmet topped with a Donald Trump wig and a diaper to control his hairballs -- your email passed away enroute to the shredder.

May I offer my condolences?  I'd offer coffee and a donut, but (a) this is email and (b) I've already consumed them at the wake we held for your email.  A good time was had by all, as we all remembered and celebrated the life and accomplishments of your tragic email.  Alas, email, I knew you not at all.  And wouldn't have allowed you to marry my daughter's pet rock had I had the dubious pleasure.
A glitch in our otherwise efficient wills-edited-for-fun-and-syntax-error service failed to note you as the primary beneficerary in prostate court hereabouts.  Too bad so sad.
But you do get the bill for the final expenses:
Shredder:  $19.95 (it was one special this week with the purchase of a Salad Shooter)
Flowers:  $9.95 (the local grocery store's floral department was very unamused at our request; otherwise we'd have got them for half price)
Funeral orator:  $.01 (we found a bystander and offered them a penny for their thoughts; drunk and passed out on the bench, he didn't dicker with the offered price)
Musical accompanyist:  free (I knew that wind up monkey with the cymbals would come in handy one day if I kept it long enough)
Remains urn:  free (an empty Skoal can seemed fitting for this role...and after the shredder, the email was a perfect fit therein)
Final resting place:  undisclosed (we gave it to a trucker who was headed for an Arkansas bovine innards rendering facility and asked him to "pick any place that seemed to have equal ying yang and is also trying to be the Federal Witless Protection location favored by Hellary's email server contents)
Labor:  again, free (we have no friends currently going through that, though I once passed a kidney stone that was close enough to the experience)
This response:  $500 for fees and expenses related to the Prostate court filing, which can be sent via Eastern Onion to a ewe convent in upper NY state where a three peckered goat is undergoing the moral dilemma of our times.
Your total bill:  one symbol and five total figures taking into account decimal placement, decibel reduction restrictions, dealer prep and options and the results of commie core math by a millennial using an abacus with a lot of head scratching about where to put the waffles atop the purple hatted alien that just qualified in Califorlornia for food stamps, ate them and had to have a mathematician work out its constipation with a pencil.
Please, I pray you in future endeavors to only send to me healthy email.   

I'll let you know if this syntax genius knows how to read (no response forthcoming) or is as stupid as his opening sentence (he considers ANY response as positive).

UPDATE:  ..he apparently knows how to read...

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