Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Macy Or Macy Not...

My pet rock, Seymour -- still vacationing in bucolic Arkansas -- finds time to read headlines.

He insists there isn't much else to do there.

And he came across an article that yet another float in the Macy's Day parade is upsetting the Left.  Of course, we all know that it's easy to make ANYTHING that'll find a way to upset the Left.  That seems to be what they live for:  being upset, so they can try to regulate something else.

At any rate, they're choosing to wet themselves over a float that has to do with Sea World.

Seymour decided to have some edit 'fun' with it, and make it more relevant to contemporary issues:

Macy's Thanksgiving parade error code 404 in hellthscare flap:

NEW YAWHK (nyt) — Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade thought they had it bad when PETA and Arec Bardwin got on them about a Shamu float.  

Well, it just got worse for Macy's:  Kathleen Sebelius and Nancy Pelosi are mad now, too.

Seems that Macy's was ordered to have an ObamaCare float inserted into the parade, the centerpiece of which was a working ACA call center aboard the float, actually taking calls and signing people up for ObamaCare.

And now they'll have to fake the whole thing like a Hillary Clinton orgasm.

The ObamaCare float flap threatens to undermine the recent statements made by Sebelius and Pelosi that ObamaCare and its website works.  Never mind that those statements are already undermined by facts; it's the "fluff impression" to the low information masses that the left is worried about, and not the image damage to all the good IT programmers who actually know what they're doing that matters to these people" said a spokesperson for Alliance Defending IT Persons Who Had Nothing To Do With The ACA Webslight Debacle.

"The float has never worked any better than the law or the website" Deadtroit-based ADITPWHNTDWTACAWD asserted.  Still, insists parade spokesperson Lamey Kruella, the float will remain in the parade.  "Our goal is to entertain, and watching a half-dozen call site operators pounding frustratedly on their keyboards and going through constant reboots of their systems, while being called everything but conservative by equally frustrated callers, well...that's entertainment" Kruella said.

Equally entertaining will be the big screen montage of recorded statements by Sebelius and Pelosi, looped to play over and over again, asserting that everything's fine when even their body defecations know otherwise.

WH spokespuke Jay CON Carnage denies that the float will be entertaining because the website doesn't work.  When asked to elaborate, he faked a sphincter spasm and ended the press conference with a video about Bobo the Clown in a policy debate with Joe Bidumb.

No one at the WH or with the DNC would explain why public opinion was 3-1 in favor of Bobo.

Of course, Seymour is claiming plausible deniability if this edit offends anyone.

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Monday, November 25, 2013

Seymour Told Me To... I, who scambaits and annoys scammers, gets talked into calling the Butterball Hotline (1-800-288-8372), to ask an elemental question about turkey preparation.  By my pet rock, Seymour.

I don't think the type of turkey prep I asked about was what they've been trained to respond to.  I don't think Seymour had it in mind, either.

It went like this:

*after the recorded prompt and the pressage of 3*
Them:  Butterball Help line.  How can I help you?

Me:  I was wondering, how does one go about preparing a turkey that is clueless what it's about to be stuffed with?

Them:  Excuse me, sir?

Me:  I mean, do you tell the turkey to close it's eyes, turn around and bend over, and it'll get something good proctologically?

Them:  Very funny sir.  *Click*

I found that to be no help at all.

Good thing I ain't setting the kitchen ablaze on Thanksgiving, huh?

Oh and yes:  Seymour -- the pet rock what prompted me to make that call -- denies he knows me.  Probably a good thing..

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Friday, November 22, 2013

Do They Really Say That?

I reckon that after he sees what I dun to his email, Ma, what the picture says is most likely.

You wouldn't think that a member of the Muzzie Bro'hood would send an email to ME, asking for my hep with a scam he wants to perpetrate on me.

Well okay, so you might think he'd do that.

Like so many other scammers, he don' know me vewy well, DO he?

Anyway, it was drivel about the Muzzie Bro'hood, and how their prez was tossed in July, and how there's this millions of dollars in money that was to go for buying them suicide vests or truck loads of Twinkies, whichever they could order first.  And of course, HE wanted it to go to HIM, with MY help, for a piece of the action.

The part that goes financially KABLOOEY in my wallet, of course.

Instead, I treated him to an off-the-top-of-my-head-at-4am edit.  For those who think they know me or have been around me at that's a strange place to be.

This edit will leave you with little doubt of that:

Good day if you like cous cous and camels,
I am Mr. Adamu Yazid Ackbar Achmed Ackphooey, the AckDC to Mr. Ammar Ackbar Achmed Ackphooey Mohammed, the son of Mr Mohammed Ackbar Achmed Ackphooey Badie, tail of the Muzzie 'hood here in Egypt.  Please this mail should be kept secret on accounta cuz Barrycades Hussein Soetero had his lackey wench, Valarie Jarrett, write it.  Mr Ammar was killed by a flying monkey after the removal of fecal-stained president of Egypt Morsi on 3rd July 2013.  You're probably wondering how a flying monkey could do that, and what relation the flying monkey had to Morsi.  Well in this neck of the weirds, nothing is too out of the ordin-dairy cowadays.  Heck, we had a Yugo recently killed by a crocodile vulture poop from 6,000 feet.  Them crocodile vultures are pretty gnarly birds.
Any weights and measures, I was axed by Kathleen Sebelius to transfer 10 million of our population to the ACA website, so that they could pump up the numbers and make it look like it was working.  Well, that idea went phffffffffffffft when the first of us tried to log on, and it couldn't read Egyptidoanian, which isn't our official language, but some smart ass in the Ministry of Ackphooey thought that perhaps the word association process was worthy of a something more than a lousy dirka dirka. 
While I'm off the subject, would you assholes quit thinking that all of us over here say "Dirka dirka", just because that stupid puppet movie had all of us over here saying "dirka dirka"?  I mean, what the dirka dirka is up with that?
Anyway, I had to report to Sebelius that her stupid useless ACA site wasn't worth one camel genital wart, which upset her so much she's now having a sex change operation and wants to look like Ed Schultz, so no one will know her.  Which is okay by me, since I didn't want to know her ugly ass in the second place.
Now...and this is very important...very important:  you too can get birth control coverage from the ACA for the bargain basement price of $1350/month with a $13,500 anal deductible and co-pays of $250 for one-half a visit, by signing up now on a webslight that doesn't work for a hellthscare program that won't, either. 
Hey, you elected the dumb sh**, not us.  Dirka dirka.
My actual purpose for writing you this email was to inform you that islam is the wave of the future, unless you're not stupid, and then it won't be, and that will piss off all of our people here who are counting on meeting 72 virgins in the afterexplosion, and not 72 Virginians who are by all accounts pissed off that McAwful stole the election by giving Sandra Fluke enough birth control to stop up a herd of elephant rectums.
Actually after seeing a picture of her, I thought Fluke was birth control AND abstinence, all rolled into one.  If ever a burkah was needed....double dirka dirka!
So where was I...oh yeah, Egypt, land of watching the Bangles walk like Miley Cyrus.  Is it really true that in your country OSHA will require your former Secretary of State to wear a back up alarm for her wide load?  More recently we ask your current Secretary of State why the long face?  He didn't laugh, but we did.
So in conclusion, I am contacting you to stop thinking all of us here say "Dirka dirka, islamojihad!"  What we're actually saying is how much more ugly can you make Kathleen Sebelius before she becomes looking like Ed Schultz, which is ugly enough to stampede a herd of camel spiders.  Let me know if  you are willing to do this by sending to me a contact email for Debbie Wasserman-Schlitz, who is by all accounts my crazy aunt Moochelle Ackbar Achmed Ackphooey Dirka Dirka Nobama, and a former sperm carrier for sacred goats from the tomb of King Tut.   Once you confirm this on the ACA webblight under the surname of Joe Bidumb, including your primate's  telephone number, I will call him and annoy him with endless "booga booga dirka dirka"s until he shuts down the exchange by shoving a few hundred bunches of bananas up Jay Carney's ass.
I'm sure he'll blame that on Bush too.
Please you should not in anyway tell anybody about this or give out this mail or my telephone number, except to Janet Napolitano, who is my half-sister..the other half is a broken down donkey named Butt Polyp.  Never liked either one of them.  
After all is said and done here, I am planning to leave Egypt and settle in Deadtroit.  It reminds me of Lebanon in '82.  I love a desolate landscape.
Waiting for your call.
Telephone +201152-6584-09

No doubt the translation department of the scammer's handlers is struggling a bit with this edit.  Probably no moreso than the DNC is, let alone the IT offices trying to figure out how to make the ACA site work any better than the garbage it pushes as affordable.
Dirka dirka.

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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

"You Have Something Lodged Somewhere.."

There are jobs that are exactly as they appear.

Here's a quickie scammer email that emanates from .... c'mon, you know .... Nigeria.

Dear Beneficiary,
Please be informed that you have $250,000,00 USD lodged in western
union office to be transferred to you in the ongoing United Nations 2013
compensation. for more details Contact:
HOTLINE: +2347068389583  

They kept it short and simple.  I decided to do the same in the edited reply:

Dear Beneficerary,
Please be informed that you have $250,000,00 USD lodged in the anal cavity of a seriously constipated hippo,
and it seriously wants to maul the crap out of you when you come to claim it.  Contact:
HOTLINE: +2347068389583
*NOTE:  if your hotline is hindquartered in Nigeria, you KNOW it's gotta be gooooooooooooood....for nuthin'.  We're also the hindquarters of soeterodoesn'tcare telefraudic help center....please call, we need your personal informations since our email scams are lagging in effectiveness lately.  
While this drew no comment from Nigeria, it appears that someone from DC did check it out...and is jealous that the Nigerians are getting more calls than the soeterodoesn'tcare web blight.

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Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Pet Rock Horns In On An Edit

Yes, Seymour was really in Califorlornia.  On a very nice boat.  In a life preserver.

Seymour has great hosts.

Even when Seymour is a naughty little pet rock.

A recent scammer caught Seymour's attention -- even while Seymour is currently visiting another great host in Arkansas -- and Seymour emailed me that he wanted to be the focal point of the edit of the scammer's email.

Gabriel Cones, lucky you.

Here's the gist of ol' Gabe's scam:  he wants me to handle his client purchases for him while he's traveling outside the US.  I receive his client payments, keep a piece of the action, and send the rest to him.

And every client payment is 100% guaranteed.  To be counterfeit.

And that's why my pet rock wants to be written into ol' Gabe's scam.

So -- incorporating my attention-starved pet rock ("am NOT!!!") -- am some contemporary politics that's fitting for a scammer,  here's what Gabe and a number of his peers received in response:

My name is Gabriel Cones.  I work for, among other things, a chastity Organization based in California. I am contacting you about a recent visit your pet rock had here, and how he contemptuously treated our chastity laws and took them for granite as regards a reported clandestine affair resulting in the propagation of other geological life.
You know who I mean; I mean your pet rock, Seymour.  His illicit (and geologically impossible from the standpoint of gymnastical statistics) relations with JuliaSandstone, which resulted in the shipping outside of CA several resulting offspring which, I am sure, violates some ridiculous and obscure environmentalist laws here in CA, the home of the ridiculous and frivolous when it comes to ANYTHING from the Left.
Envirowhackjobs are particularly egregious in this, but I digress.
If you, right this minute, assure me that (a) you will sterilize Seymour (b) stop him from sending text photos of his 'geologic junk' to Julia under the name of Carlos Dangersands (c) retrieve and return ALL of his offspring from this illicit affair (d) enroll Seymour in Nobamadoesn'tcare (e) send him to Geology Gender Sensitivity Training (f) register him as a low information, dumbed down democrat for the 2014 elections (g) have him contribute to Bela Pelosi's re-election campaign in '14, as she's running against a San Freakcisco harbor seal that's better looking than she is (h) can go an entire email without once mentioning Miley Cyrus (I) and can come up with enough botox and bondo to make Hillary Clinton look more like Elizabeth Hasselbeck and less like someone a house was dropped on, we can avoid a nasty legal entanglement.
If not, I am prepared to sic that Helen Thomas-looking legal dawg Gloria Allred on your ass.  Oh yes....that vile thing. Your errands and responsibilities here are simple:
1.  Commit to completing (a) through (I) without fail
2.  Water Harry Reid before he farts and explodes into a billion psoriasis flakes
3.  Figure out how to make Candy Crowley look like Meghyn Kelly on Fox, without CGI.
4.  Provide a cure for the growth of the current potus' nose as regards the hellthscare scam.
In closing, I have a couple of questions for you.
First, are you taking this email seriously?
Second, how would you like for Honey Boo Boo to sit on your pet rock and fart?
Think about those two questions whilst you fill out your information to
Full Name:
Zip Code:
Home No:
Cell NO:
Hope all is clear?

Waiting to hear from you  & hoping I don't need to take Gloria Allred away from her artificially inseminating Los Angeles River fecal snails.  She'll be very angry with you if I have to take her off that duty....artificially inseminating Los Angeles River fecal snails is her first love, with sticking her head up her ass a close second.
 I look forward to you taking this email most serious, yes?

Seymour sent me a pet rock version of 'two thumbs up' -- sounds painful to even attempt -- but the response from ol' Gabe was less enthusiastic:

go to hell  

I avoid that by not signing up for nobamadoesn'tcare, or believing an iota of your sh**.  Not working so well for you I see.

Ol' Gabe had nothing more in the way of destination suggestions, or anything else, to offer.

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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

UN is an Acronym Too

The current potus of the US has gone far to give acronyms a bad name.

But the UN -- alleged 'United Nations' -- was way ahead of him on that.

Scammers are what they are, of course.

So here's the latest scam I've received from, once more, the "UN":

U. N. C. C Regional office office United Nations Compensation Commission (UNCC) Domiciliary Outlet, Lagos Nigeria. Plot 617/618, Diplomatic Zone, Central Area District, P.M.B. 2851, Garki, Abuja, Nigeria.
Nov 1 at 1:31 PM

United Nations Compensation Commission (UNCC)
Domiciliary Outlet, Lagos Nigeria.
Plot 617/618, Diplomatic Zone,
Central Area District,
P.M.B. 2851, Garki,
Abuja, Nigeria.

Attention: Beneficiary,
The United Nation Compensation Commission with its Domiciliary Office in Nigeria and its other outlets in Benin Republic, Ghana and Burkina Faso received a report of scam against you. The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkina Faso and Ghana have recompense you following United Nation World Re-compensation Commission (U.N.W.R.C) held with the four countries Government and various countries High Commission for the fraudulent activities carried out by the four countries Citizens. Your name was among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent Unit (NFIU). Compensation has been issued out in a Visa Gold to all the affected victims and has already been in distribution to all the bearers. Your Visa Gold was among those that were reported undelivered. We wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your Visa Gold immediately.
In light of the aforementioned please provide the following information to enable us confirm your information for payment.
Your Full Name: (No Abbreviation Please)
Current Residential Address:
Previous Home Address if any:
Direct Contact Telephone Number:
Driver License or Passport:
ID No:
Yours Sincerely,
Mitchelle Rice (Mrs.)
Payment Coordinator
West Africa Payment Officer
Tel: +1-707-370-5193 

What to do, what to do?  Well, the first thing that came to mind was something to do with someone's head up there ass, like all of the nobama regime's is:

But then -- see what I just did there -- it hit me:

Let's make the theme to do with colonization...

Of Uranus...

And the rest came easy in the edit:

Uranus Nigerian Colonization Commission (UNCC)
Domiciliary Outlet, Lagos Nigeria.
Plot 617/618, Diplomatic Zone,
Central Area District,
P.M.B. 2851, Garki,
Abuja, Nigeria.
Attention: Beneficiary,
The Uranus Nigerian Colonization Commission with its Domiciliary Office in Nigeria and its other outlets in Benin Republic, Ghana and Burkina Faso received a report of you wanting to be include in our colonization of Uranus plans.  The countries of Nigeria, Benin Republic, Burkina Faso and Ghana have agreed to establish a colony on Uranus by the year 2020, or 2100, which ever come first.  We're not terrible good with numbers.
In late 2012 we have a meeting with United Nation World Re-location Commission (U.N.W.R.C) held with the four countries Government and various countries High Commission for the purpose of establish who we want to relocate to Uranus for our colony.  Your name was among those found on our lists as reported to us by the Nigeria Lacks Intelligent Colony on Uranus (NLICU). Complimentary travel vouchers for only $69 USD has been issued out for distribute to all the bearers. Your travel voucher was among those that were reported undelivered. We wish to advise you to see to the instructions of the Committee to make sure you receive your travel voucher immediate if not soonest.
In light of the aforementioned please provide the following information to enable us confirm your information for recording of new colony records.
Your Full Name: (No Abbreviation Please)
Current Residential Address:
Future Desired Address On Uranus (street names/numbers not yet assigned):
Previous Home Address if any:
Direct Contact Telephone Number:
Driver License or Passport:
ID No:
Yours Sincerely,
Moochelle Nobama Rice (Mrs.)
Colony Coordinator
West Africa Uranus Colonization Office Officer
Tel: +1-707-370-5193 
No response from the scammers has been forthcoming.  Nor, so far, from any recipients by their peers of this unique opportunity.  Perhaps they already think they're ON Uranus, what with their heads are at...

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Saturday, November 9, 2013

Lookin' Fer Love In The Wrongest of Places

Meet Anna.  Anna Ivanova.  Russian.  Female.  Early 20s.  Looking for love outside of Mother Russia.

Uh huh.

Darlin' Anna found her way into my email box at the beginning of October.

Amusingly, she thought she was writing to the real me:  she used my actual first name.

That lasted one reply.

After that, she was driven to romance and con her new American man, Jack.

Jack N. Ewehoff.

There is absolutely NOTHING new here, folks.  It's the same template of scam that I have received probably over a hundred of from women (or those purporting to be women) from Mother Russia, who seek a better life in the West.


They only seek gullible Western men with money....and then, only the money.

Lots of otherwise smart, sophisticated Western men fall for this borscht (and I don't care if I didn't spell that right; I'm not Russian).  I've received emails from a few of them after having posted some of my scambaits of Russian scammers along with the pictures, and they've found the links AFTER they've been burned for hundreds to thousands of dollars by a somewhat lucrative scam run by criminals in the East.

Anna did nothing new here.  She sent me letters that were long, obviously translated, and full of alleged little snippets of her life and her dreams.  And of course, full of photos.  LOTS of photos.  As our "love" blossomed via email, the photos became more and more enticing and suggestive:

But Anna -- or whomever she/he really is -- does not have a good eye for detail.  If you look closely at the two pictures here, you'll see that this is NOT the same woman.  Anna has mixed photos of at least three different women into this scam.  Look closely at this photo, with attention to her left shoulder and belly button.  Now, compare this with the next photo she sent me in the same photo array:

Did you get the same *TOING* that I did? 

And she also sent me three videos.  All allegedly of her.  And the woman in the videos IS the same woman as in some of the photos...maybe.  While her letters are in passable English, her videos are all in Russian.  Not one word of English is spoken.  Never once is my character's name spoken.

As I said, scam.

Once again, examine closely this photo.  While male readers will probably miss the obvious, you female readers won't.

At any rate...after about two dozen email exchanges -- when we go from "will you be my pen pal" to "you are the love I have dreamed of" drivel -- Anna finally gets around to doing what Russian scammers are best knowd for:

My very darling, Jack,
I am most embarrass to now say to you that I am without the moneys to have able to travel to see you.  I am to ask can you help me to do this?  I have learn that I will need only $650 USD to be able come and be with you.  Between us now only 650 USD. If you sent me today on my bank account of $ 650, then two days later we would be together. When can you help me?
With love, Anna 

And it only took us about 25 emails to get here.  How I do love expedience

Now I figure that Anna -- or her/his handlers -- are somewhat literate.  She has responded to some of what I've replied my character's name.  But not to much else (like Jack being a lowly widower who never thought he'd ever find love again...yada, yada, yada...).  So with this reply, I gave Jack some license to be more expansive...verbose...verbally flatulent.

Jack didn't fail to deliver:

My darling Anna,


$650 USD is a drop in the bucket to me.  But if $650 is all that you have need of to come to my waiting arms, I will make ready to send you that amount eagerly, my steppes blossom.   Tell me exactly how you need this money addressed to you so that I can be assured that you'll receive it.  I know that overland mail services are a bit tricky internationally.

Let me tell you of my life here, so that you'll know what to expect when you arrive.  You will fly into Denver International Airport (DIA).  After going through the customary groping at the gates by TSA agents who only have your best interests and parts in mind, you will meet me awaiting you.  Then we shall go to the lower level to determine if your luggage went to Iran, Cuba or Deadtroit, and wait to see how long it will take them to find it, if ever.
But this is no worry, because we have Walmart, Target, Kohls and Goodwill stores to provide you with everything Aeroflot (or United) manages to lose.  Members of various religious sects will be on hand to give you books and solicit donations, but we can choose the 'bypass line' to avoid them.  ACORN people will also be there to register you to vote 300 times for their approved list of leftist candidates that will have your parents thinking you never left home.  But I digress.
We will then take a cab ride that will impress you with the cultural diversity of the Denver Metro Area; our driver will likely be from Uranus, and only react to an address and "exact change only".  Never tell a cab driver in Denver "exact change only".  You'll wind up in Deadtroit.  Which is worse than Stalingrad was during the end of 1942.
Once we arrive in downtown Denver, you'll be impressed by the tall buildings, modern conveniences, heavy traffic, and of course by the very courteous and friendly people, who all love to signal their love of humanity and each other with car horns and hand gestures.  Some even use firearms.  That will explain why I gave you the ceremonial Kevlar dress and had you don it before we hailed the cab.
Once we get west of Denver and out into the 'burbs, you'll see the splendor of the Colorado Rockies.  The mountains, of course I mean; the baseball team is on hiatus and sucks anyway.
And then you will be whisked to my own personal automobile (I can afford the best, as my 1995 Yugo Ukiddinmeright will impress you).  Since it only starts one time in 10, we'll take a modern bus up to my town of residence.  Be sure not to sit in a seat that a drunk peed in on his/her way home from there.
And then you will reach my home town:  the City of Central, the richest square of miles on Earth.  And my home, a former mining site that is haunted after the 1901 Scarlet O'Hara Fever panningdemic.  But not to worry; they are like Casper (the ghost, not the town), and merely add hysteria to each evening when the sun goes down.
And I'll already have a job lined up for you, darling:  they have open positions as dirt sifters at the EPA Superfund site in nearby Nevadaville.  It's a job that will still be short-handed in 2113, so your economic worries will be over.
And of course, we'll immediately sign you up for the new hellthscare -- it's the only law the democrats actually insist be followed by anyone other than them -- and you'll immediately have the pleasure of knowing your hellth is as well looked after as it is for the citizens in North Korea.
Life will, you are sure to find Anna, be an adventure and surprise each and every day.  But don't worry; for I will hold your hand and whatever other parts I can grope (I used to work for TSA, and some grabits die hard).
So in your next letter, tell me how to immediately send you the money, and let's get this done.  My local friend is a judge who's wife is a divorce attorney, so we can cover all of our bases in a simple ceremony an hour after you are in your new home, my Babushka.
With love and anticipation,

It became obvious that Anna -- or Boris, or his/her handlers, whomever is running the scam over there -- doesn't read English too good.  The only thing she apparently DID read was the money.  And I had to laugh at her invite to "Jack" to come to Kirov:

 For me, $ 650 is a lot of money. My mom invited you to our home. Welcome to my home in Russia . I'll tell you how to get to my house .
You have to fly to Moscow, to Moscow to find the Kazan station, then train 14 hours. Then a taxi eight hours. You should only know the Russian language ,
because in Russia very few people know the English language . Are you ready to go in my city of Kirov ? My mother is waiting for you .
When can you come to me ?
Or it would be better if I fly to you . What do you think about the meeting ? I really want to meet you . I am ready to meet with you.

And she punctuated her invite with a series of photos of 'her', naked as a jaybird:

My character decided that, alluring as the photo was, the plane/train/taxi travel wasn't worth the effort:

It would be much the better if you came here, Anna.  I cannot speak Russian other than to say "so long", and we're just getting started.  So....tell me what you need to come here and I'll see to it.

Of course, the money will be no issue.  Why?  Because when it comes to scammers, money never IS an issue here.  Nawp...Jack prints up all he needs.  In fact, since the US Government saw fit to re-design the $100 bill again, my pet rock Seymour insisted that we do a re-design of the $100 I use with scammers.  Asked and answered...first, the one I have used frequently that never ceases to make the scammers do as the bill does:

Now for the newly re-designed bill:

Seymour is insufferably pleased with hisself.

I don't expect 'Anna' and her crew to be as much so.

The day after I sent 'Anna' seven of the "Seymour Hundreds", she/he or his/her handlers were a touch nonplused:

What is meaning here?  Are you have humor with me?

My answer was in keeping with the same level of honesty that she/he/them has given me right along:

"Not at all. I'm as serious about this as you are". 

It hasn't quite sunk in yet as the next response suggests:

I am not to understand what this all mean.  You send me joke this is?  How can you say you be as honest with me as me to you?  What do you tell to me here?  Please Jack I must know.

Well, 'Anna' -- or whatever your name really is -- what I tell to you here is that if you go back and carefully examine all the photos you have sent me -- as I was doing when you sent them -- you will see what you did wrong.  You can deny that you did something wrong...but you did.  Several times over.  See if you can figure it out, 'Anna' -- or whatever your name really is.  When you think you have it figured out, let me know what you found.  I'll let you know if you're right or not.  

Of course I'm referring to using different women to represent her in photos.  But I won't get to know if 'Anna' figured out that one flaw of many in her/his scam; 'Anna' seeks to have speaks with me no more apparently.

But it's not a total loss:  what a gallery of photos she sent me....

Whomever they're of...

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Wednesday, November 6, 2013

A Walton Family Email

Is there a connection between Mrs. Sam Walton and Miley Cyrus?

Probably not, but leave it to me to make one.

I just got an email from a "Mrs. Christy Walton", who therein purports to be the "Second Richest Woman in the World".

Uh huh.

And Miley Cyrus is Paris Hilton's dog.

At any rate, read for yourself what Herself sent me:

Greeting to you my dear Brothers and Sisters the good people of this planet
earth i am writing you this email not to disturb you but to ask for your
assistant based on my personality and my present condition in life and in
particular what i intend doing for CHARITY.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton the 2nd Richest Woman in the world am a great
citizen of United States of America, am bringing to you a proposal which i
want you to assist me with, i worth $25.5 billion Dollars which rates me as
the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.

As the going says Money is not every thing on earth, is painful now to let
the world now know my present condition as a cry for help,I have been
suffering from a Heart disease for the pass 22years,just few weeks ago my
Doctors in America just told me now that is time for me to die, and my Will
which is with my Lawyer which my Family is fully awhere about, but nobody
have knowledge of my savings in Bank deposit which is Worth
$9,000,000.00(Nine Million United State Dollars).

I intend to give to CHARITY because I have not seen anybody from my Family,
Relations and Friends whom i trust that can help me out, because i always
have this DREAM to help CHARITY and i have always promise myself that i most
give this amount at my end time to CHARITY, can i please trust you to help
me give to CHARITY this enormous amount of Money because i have just 2
Months left to die, as I write to you now am full of Tears as I await my

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further
and please keep this confidential.


God Bless You.
Mrs. Christy Walton  

My email cup continueth to run over.  With inert compost.

And how, you might ask, did I respond to the Second Richest Woman in the World?   As my pet rock Seymour total character:

Greeting to you my gullible bros 'n hos and all other such peoples of this part of the Solar System!  Except to them parts what dissed my legacy store and went with a Target instead.  To y'all, piss up a rope.
i am writing you this email not to disturb you but to ask for your assistant based on my personality and my present condition in life and in particular what i intend doing to CHARITY or anyone or thing so named.

I am Mrs. Christy Walton the 2nd Richest Woman in the world, and a 
regular bitch when I lose at canasta.  I fancy myself a great citizen bringing to you a proposal which I want you to assist me with, i worth $25.5 billion Dollars which rates me as the 2nd Richest Woman in the World.  
And as you can sees, all that moneys doesn't make me a fart smeller, or any variation therefrom.  Bein' a rich bitch, I hire peoples to be the fart smellers for me.
As the going says money is not everything on this Earth.  Just ask Uranus.
That's where one of my fart smellers steps in.
But even with all my moneys, I am not issuing a cry for help.  I have been suffering from not having as many pairs of shoes as Imelda Marcos did, that bitch.  And now, my Doctors in America are told me that thanks to soetero doesn'tcare, I just losed my doctors and the death panel voted 8-1 to let
me die of demeaning genital warthogs.
 I intend to give to anyone named CHARITY all of my genital warts because I have not seen anybody with that name that I like or will share a battery operated dildo with.  i have just 2 Months left to die, unless I get picked to replace Miley Cyrus at the next VMAs, sticking out my butt and tongue at the same time and doing gyrations that will surely cause Nashville to implode as I await my achy breaky genital warts from morphing into something that looks like Kathleen Sebelius.

Please reply me back with your below details to enable us proceed further and please keep this confidential.


God help someone as dumb as you if you bought this sh*t, 
Mrs. Christy Walton, illegitimate pet gerbil and love rodent of John Boy, who
was really freebasing distilled corn behind the Walton cabin...
Ms Walton hasn't as yet seed fit to address the edit, though I've been covertly warned that if I ever enter a Walmart store, all those falling price dot icons will jump my ass...

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Sunday, November 3, 2013

Biblical Quotes From Scamdom

With this particular scam, I reckon I AM dealing with a meth lab.

Or someone who has spent too much time doing sample testing for one.

Reverend Paul Smith decided I needed a nudge to get my ATM card and my long awaited fund into my hot little hands.

For a fee, of course.

I didn't have the heart to tell the rev that I ain't gots no fund.  Instead, I was the kind of no fund that many scammers are coming to know me as.

I'm sure you see what I just did there.  The rev did.

Here's the opening salvo of his missive:

We are here to update you about your fund long awaited, the contents
of it is quite noted and well understood by me that you are trying to
get your funds for long time now but no avail and am to inform you
that you are free to receive your payment from us because our
government has done everything for you to start getting it from this
department, I will like to inform you that the Federal Government of
Benin Republic has spent a huge amount of money spreading crusade
against imposters /scam people and their fraudulent activities, those
that are parading themselves as the  right one, why they  are not. I
was appointed by the federal government of Benin Republic  as a
REVEREND FATHER to make all this  payment available to you as the

 Remember the Scripture of the HOLY BIBLE which says that touch not my
anointing and do my prophets no Harm ,I was ORDAINED and ANOINTED as a
Holy REVEREND FATHER at the VATICAN CITY of ROME and I does not tell
lies because lying is the greatest sin Our ALMIGHTY hates and any one
who lies will never go free unpunished as the Scripture of the HOLY
BIBLE says.GOD bear Me True witness that all I am telling You is the
Truth and nothing but the Truth. 

I think this clown works in the Barrycades Hussein Soetero regime and took talking point lessons from Kathleen Sebelius.

And now, the fund begins, as I edit the snarf outta his missive, and ship it back to him all revved up thus:

We are here to update you about your painful rectal itch we is gibted to
stand under you having this a malady of itchical proportionalities.  
It is quite noted and well understood by me that you are trying to
get rid of this Affleck for long time now but no avail as he still infests
Netflux and other movie porpoises. 

Well I was appointed by the federal government of Benin Republic  as a
REVEREND FATHER to make all this Affleck painful rectal itch a thing
in your rears, so no mores you gotsta drag your bum across termite
infested tree stumps for relieve.  

 Remember the Scripture of the HOLY COW which says that touch not my
junk and do my gonads no Harm, for if a sheep is a ram and a donkey is

an ass, thus it was in the beginning, and shall ever after be, that a ram in
the ass is a goose in the Kingdom of Chicanery-ago.

You see that I knows this stuff on accounta cuz I was ORDAINED and ANOINTED
as a Holy Cow -- thrice removed for drunken cud spitting -- REVEREND FATHER
at the VULCAN CITY of SPOCK and I does tell lies because lying is the greatest
gift a liberal believes in, and since we liberals do not believe in the Our ALMIGHTY,
we don't care about afterlife retribution.  

'Sides, we have the media sniffing our butts as diety.

We're more worried about being registered on nobamadoesn'tcare and having
our bank accounts pillaged by the IRA, FBR, Department Of Homemade Koolaid
and those junk touchers of the TSA.

 To Re-State my Earlier Statement would be redumbdance, so I'll restate it a
diffident way:  my Ethical Principal is an anal suppository named Harry Reid,
and it gives me boils all over my Nancy Pelosi. 

As a matter of Fact, I cannot indulge myself to any Hoax 'n change and cannot
make myself a cheat Rook as a clergy, so's long as I don't keep my fingers crossed
in Debbie Wasserpuss-Schiltz's ample backside.  But since they are, I am free to
lie like Barrycades Hussein Soetero. 

And I know where Hilarity Rodehard Clindumb parks her broom.

If only you believe on me my word is my genital cockleburr, you must receive your
your BTE card for booze, drugs and Cheetos soonest for the
requirement needed from you, unfailingly on Monday morning, as I said
you will receive it the next day because I ship it via the nobamadoesn'tcare
webslight, with guaranteed overdecade delivery to somewhere in the nearby galaxy.

You get all this and egg roll too when you send me delivery charges of $967 via
MONEY-GRAM,through the receiving officer stated below.

NAME: Augustine Obalim
AMOUNT: $:967 United States Dollars or 27,989 worthless West African francs.

Don't piss me off with the francs.

Call Me And Give Me some idea as to what you think my ancestral heritage is, because
I am not sure after having been a democrat for a little while.

Finally , as soon as I hear from you soonest, I shall not hesitate to
wet myself in abject ecstacy.  Unless you sent the francs.  Then I'll just
wet myself and call you a greedy, mean-spirited Tea Party conservative,
whatever that is.  Chris Matthews -- while he was here doing a water buffalo from
behind -- said that that's a bad thing. 


Rev Paul Smith
Director, ATM payment department

My email response seemed to confuse the good Rev; he sent me back a blank reply, and won't respond to my inquiries for him to fill in his blanks.

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