Monday, April 29, 2013

A Monsta Scam

Yes, that's John Kerry.

No, he's not directly or indirectly connected to this particular scam. 

His political scams are quite enough, but I digress.

Sooner or later, scammers do come up with a new angle to scam from, though in the end, the scam template is the same.  In this case, they send you a counterfeit money order or cashier's check, you cash it, "keep" a portion of it, and wire the balance back to the scammers.  A few days later -- if you're not a suspicious sort at the outset -- your bank lets you know that the money order/check was fraudulent, and you're on the hook for the entire amount.

An "oh whoops" for you, a "score" for the scammers.

But not here ;-)

I received the following email that had the two elements I look for:  (a) sounds too good to be true and (b) it isn't true:

From: Fidencio Saucedo <>

Sent: Wednesday, April 10, 2013 5:21 PMSubject: JOB OPENING: Monster Energy Drink® Car Wraps

Would You Wrap Your Car in an Ad for $300 Weekly. Reply if interested.

Best Regards,
Fidencio Saucedo.
Hiring Manager,
Monster Energy Drink®

Before I bothered to respond, I did a little Gooble search on 'Monster Energy Drink Scam'.  And I found it here, among other places.

Still, I played along as interested and responded (as Ben Dover).  I received this lengthy, and telling response from the scammer:

Thank you for your swift response and your willingness to work with
us, Wrap advertising is the marketing practice of completely or
partially covering (wrapping) a vehicle in an advertisement or livery,
thus turning it into a mobile billboard. This can be achieved by
simply painting the vehicle surface, but it is becoming more common
today to use large vinyl sheets as decals. These can be removed with
relative ease, making it much less expensive to change from one
advertisement to another. Vehicles with large, flat surfaces, such as
buses and light-rail carriages, are fairly easy to work with, though
smaller cars with curved surfaces can also be wrapped in this manner.
Wrap advertising is available to anybody irrespective of the vehicle
you drive.

We are currently seeking to employ individual's world wide. How would
you like to make money by simply driving your car or banner wrapped
for Monster Energy Drink®

How it works?
Here's the basic premise of the "paid to drive" concept: Monster
Energy Drink® seeks people -- regular citizens, professional drivers
to go about their normal routine as they usually do, only with a big
advert for "Monster Energy Drink®" plastered on your car. The ads are
typically vinyl decals, also known as "auto wraps,"that almost seem to
be painted on the vehicle, and which will cover any portion of your
car's exterior surface.

What does the company get out of this type of ad strategy?
Lots of exposure and awareness. The auto wraps tend to be colorful,
eye-catching and attract lots of attention. Plus, it's a form of
advertising with a captive audience,meaning people who are stuck in
traffic can't avoid seeing the wrapped car alongside them. This
program will last for 3 months and the minimum you can participate is
a month.

You will be compensated with $300 per week which is essentially a
"rental"payment for letting our company use the space no fee is
required from you. Monster Energy Drink® shall provide experts that
would handle the advert placing on your car. You will receive an up
front payment of $300 inform of check via courier service for
accepting to carry this advert on your car. to this effect you are
advised to check your email regularly to get update as to know when
your upfront payment will arrive along with Graphic Artist address.

1)   You will receive Certified Check.  As soon as you receive the
check, you will cash the check for the decal wrapping on your car,
deduct $300 as your up-front payment. The rest of the funds should be
transfered to the Graphic artist that will wrap the decal on your car.
All you need is to confirm the acceptance and understanding of this

2)  You will make a transfer of funds to the Graphic artist at the
nearest Western Union/Money Gram outlet in your area, the Info which you will
make the transfer to will be emailed to you soon.

3)  We'll like to have some Information about your car.

i) Type of Car and Color :

ii) Model/Year :

iii) Present Condition and the Mileage:

Note:  Please, confirm that you did receive this message so that we
can process funds that would be sent to you for the car advert.

It is very easy and simple no application fees required. Get back with
the following details if you are interested in these offer.

Applicant information:

Full Name:
Full Contact Address:
City,State,Zip code
Phone Number:

All other instructions will be sent out to you ASAP.

I..............Confirm to have received this email and understand the content.

Best Regards,
Fidencio Saucedo
Hiring Manager,
Monster Energy Drink®

Having responded under my guise of "Ben Dover", I went ahead and gave the scammer my actual mailing address; I wanted to see (a) from where the 'check' would come and (b) have the fraudulent document in hand.

Alas, my scammer apparently sniffed me out as a scam further communications on his part were sent, and he responded no further to prods from ol' Ben.

So since I couldn't extend the scambait...I took option B...and edited his email.  Which of course, I sent to him and a cornudopia of his peers and colleagues:

Subject: Want Da Business:  We Gibts Youse Da Business: Monsta Camel Pee Drink(Revolting)

Thank you for your swift, eager, and 100% naive response and your willingness to work with
us without verifying one iota of this BS. 
Wrap advertising is the marketing practice of completely or partially covering (wrapping) a vehicle in an advertisement or livery, thus turning it into a mobile billboard.
Our angle is simpler:  send you a fraudulent check, you cash it, keep part, and wire us the rest.  We laugh all the way to our bank, and your bank kicks your ass.
We likes it.  We hopes you will too (at least until it's too late).
We are currently seeking to employ individuals world wide with intellects comparable to door knobs, tree stumps, and especially liberals, who frequently poll dumber than the former two. How would you like to think you're making money by simply driving your car or banner wrapped for Monsta Camel Pee Drink®

How it works?  Simple:  people bottle camel pee, add a spritz of uncola flavor and carbonation, and then we conceal it within counterfeit cans of the popular energy drinks.  Ain't we stinkers?
Now, for the basic premise of the "we're paid by you to scam you" concept:  we send you a faked email from a nationally-knowd energy drink maker, and claim that this energy drink maker seeks people -- we tried hamsters, cows and telephone poles, and none of them would send us money -- to go about their normal routine as they usually do, blissfully ignorant, thinking they're gonna make $300/week for one-three months by using their car as a rolling billboard. 
What does the company get out of this type of ad strategy?  The company we're faking being, heck they  don't get anything but grief from a poopload of low-information voters and idiots stupid enough to buy into this jackwagonload of sh**.    WE get free money.  Yours.
This program will last for 3 months, or until we can find not even the dumbest of morons to fall for it.  At which time, we'll have come up with something else to fool the fools once more.

You will think that you'll be compensated with $300 per week which is essentially a "rental"payment for letting our company use your car; we'll provide *experts* (we kill ourselves with that 'un...) that
will handle your money when you wire it. You will receive a *check* via courier service for
being to carry this advert on your car.  At the same time, you will receive the address of our resident *Graphic Artist* who will design the advertising for your car (f**k, we're laughing so hard here we can't breathe...stop it, stop it..). 
Here's how we intend this to work:

1)   You will receive Certified Check.  As soon as you receive the check, you will cash the check,
deduct $300 as your up-front *payment* (our graphic artist is going to need a doctor soon if he doesn't stop laughing hysterically), and then you wire the rest of the funds to the Graphic artist.
  All you need is to confirm the acceptance and understanding of this email without question.

2)  Western Union or Money Gram is fine for you to wire money to our *graphic artist* (who is now hyperventilating in the corner, he's laughing so hard).
3)  Of course, we have to have some absolutely irrelevant information about your car.
i) Type of Car and Color :
ii) Model/Year :
iii) Present Condition and the Mileage:

Note:  Please, confirm that you did receive this message so that we know we found us a live one.
It is very easy (for us) and no application fees required since we'll get ours with the first *check* and wire transfer. Get back with the following details.

Applicant information:
Full Name:
Full Contact Address:
City,State,Zip code
Phone Number:

All other instructions will be sent out to you ASAP.  Oh, and we'll need to you to sign off on our little Disclaimer thingee:

I.............., being of simple mind and willing remainder, hereby do agree to get screwed by our Third World email scam, and to have our name and email address shared with every other 'fly-on-sh**' scammer within email range of Earth.  Confirm to have received this email and completely misunderstand the content.

No Regards,
Fidencio Saucedo
hR *Manager*,
Monsta Camel Pee Drink®
Much as I would have loved to received one of their counterfeit checks, I couldn't pull it off here.  HOWEVAH...I will try again from another email addy.  If it works...I'll share (the photos, not the faux money).

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Friday, April 26, 2013

Gilligan's Cruise

I've never been on a cruise ship.  I have friends who have, and have thoroughly enjoyed them.

I don't know anyone personally who's been on the recent rash of cruise ships that have had power failures, breakdowns, etc., tending to cast a pall on the idea (for some) of cruising at sea.

I can't imagine it'd be any more fun than was the Titanic, Andrea Doria, Cyclops or the Poseidon.

Then again, how many cruise ships venture out annually, and never once experience an engine breakdown, power failure, or lobster riot at the buffet?

Yes, there's a reason for that last mention, such as it is.

One of the mega cruise lines is getting ready to launch a mega cruise ship in November of 2014.  It's a big 'un.  It fairly dwarfs the Titanic.  It probably dwarfs an Iowa Class battleship.  It's supposed to carry over 4,100 passengers, and have all sorts of innovations never before seed at sea.

Well, my almost fresh-off-of-Califorlornia-mayhem pet rock, Seymour, found the idea of an even bigger cruise ship, chocked full of all sorts of man-made innovations, a ready-made breakdown waiting to happen.  So Seymour -- unbeknownst to me -- undertook to edit the article he found online.

I'll leave judgement on what he dun to it to the readership...see what I just did there:

Pierats Of Da Caribbean's ship Clusterf**k of the Seas
Pierats Caribbean Clusterf**k cruise ship: the largest breakdown of all
By Beenthere Dunthat, Associated Depressed Stranded-at-Sea Editor

NEW YAWHK (AwSh*t) -- Pierats Of Da Caribbean has truly outdone themselves. Even Gilligan and the Skipper would be impressed with the latest and largest shipwreck-in-the-offing yet: its forthcoming Clusterf**k of the Seas ship, which will be the first at sea to offer attractions like breakdowns 300 miles at sea, lobster riots at the buffets, simulated pirate attacks/hijackings and an observation capsule called The Bottom’s Up, with a shark’s eye view 100 feet (91 meters) below the waterline, upside down, just like the Poseidon.

"Without a doubt, Clusterf**k of the Seas will live down to its name with technological innovations breaking down in ways never imagined aboard a cruise ship," said Cheer Eyo, who writes at AdriftGuy Online.

"I can't wait to get stranded on it," said Ubu Ungabunga, a Somali pirate, who's looted more than 16 ships off the coast of Somalia in the Gulf of Aden.

Head Butts, an East Coast-based travel agent with Carnivore Lines, said he'll have no trouble selling trips on Clusterf**k. "Pierats Of Da Caribbean comes up with ways nobody ever thinks of when it comes to stranding people at sea," he said.

Clusterf**k will launch in November 2014, and will first homeport wherever it runs aground after the engines are first expected to seize up off Cape Hatteras.

Pierats Of Da Caribbean mates said The Clusterf**k was inspired by the last few years series of cruise ship breakdowns, and somehow bringing to it a Poseidon-esque theme.

The rioting lobsters in the main ships buffet, called Crustacean’s Revenge, are treated to a powerful stimulant injected into the lobsters as they’re wheeled into the kitchen. "One look at that boiling pot, and the lobsters are grabbing knives, cleavers, rolling pins, whatever, and going hog wild after the kitchen staff, and then into the main dining area where the melee truly gets going," said Arnold Schwarzzenstein, president and "SeaArrrrO" of Pierats Of Da Caribbean Introuble.

An indoor complex called SeaSick will host how to seize a ship at sea, how to survive a lobster attack, learning to throw up without getting any on the person down wind of you, how to repel borders with simulated (and perhaps real) Somali pirate attacks, and what to do while the ship is without power and adrift in a gale.

In one of the newest innovations, there will also be on-board lawyers to pre sign up for class action lawsuits, once the ship’s engines break.

Not everything on Clusterf**k is new to the industry. Breakdowns at sea have been increasing, and other cruise lines want a part of the action.

Tickets for Clusterf**k’s first sailing will go on sale to the public as soon as a person who can speed speak the incredibly-lengthy disclaimer can be found. Prices were not announced but cruise lines typically charge more when they know the ship’s going to be a sea-going "balls up" that they’re going to get sued over for years. Daid Faint, First Mate of Pierats Of Da Caribbean Cruises Arrr, said there would be enough extra fees to cover all claims when the ship breaks.

Pierats Of Da Caribbean is trying to buy the ship used by Johnny Dangerously in the latest Pilates of the Caribbean movie, as it has plenty of room for choreographed lobster-and-passenger fighting-melee scenes, which they plan to be the largest crustacean-man brouhaha in the world to date.

I think Seymour's outdone himself with this one.

"Did NOT!!"

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Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Scambait Gibberish - II

I reckon more than a few scammers wish they could, as regards me.

A somewhat unusual scam that didn't turn out to be so unusual after all came from a Mr. Farhey Noujaim, via some private school heading that I'd never heard of.  It turned out to be just another "abandoned funds" scam.

So I turned it into another edit of absolute gibberish.

Y' I do with about every response.  This is just more gibberishy than many.

As you can note herein:

Subject: From The Desk of Mr. Fairey D. Noujaim
Bunk of Amythst Branch Offices
1680 Broadass New York, NY 10019, USA
Desk speaking on behalf of the Vice Chairmoron on Investment Bunking Director, Credit Control Dept.
 We are hereby officially notify you that our written English sucks, and you ain't even heard our spoken kind, which sucks double ducks worserer.
Any weight, we right you concerned about your proctological telepathetic Transfer through our bunk, Bunk of Amythst, New York, to your bunk which has been officially discredited by a malevolent Sleep Numbnuts Bed with an inflato number of 4969 in West African flatulence. This unlikely spaying of a Great Bite Spark took place in the pubic resting room of a Village Idiot, and has been approved by nobamacare as paid for by anyone still stupid enough to work to pay for the crapload of slackers nobama's voting base makes up. And brother, do they make up a whole lotta crap.
But that's not why I'm lefting you todate. No, it is my primal referential that there is a genital wart in your sinus northwest passage, and that if not treated to a Dairy Queen or some other pageant weiner, you might become a stool of toad.
We thunked you'd like to be knowd for this.
But even THAT isn't not the raisin we rot you. We have been made alerted to the fact that you do not have a penile implant in your tongue. We are reliably telled that you didn't not to know this, neitherer.
 We flied to ward you that hour englash suxd.
Now....and this is very impotent, so carry a briefscases so you can looks impotent...your genital will implode in five secondtations. This eunuch of measured is from the National Bureau of Substandards, in Bouldeer, CO, and is redeemed for a Ding Dong and a joint in the pottary of your choices on the Pearl Necklace Mauled. Some restrictives and contractions apply.
 Also be informed that the Governor of Bank in London (BL) has read this and thinks we're jerking his whack off. We haven't the liver to tell him that he lost his dork to a piranha named Wanda during Sweeps week in '01.
 Therefore, strive to foal, spittle and masturbate. It is necessary for if not circumference, someone who come from france. They're so le phoo=couped over there.
Please it now that you give us your informations, so that we may think to ourselves that we has a chance at achieve something spectacled to see. Yes, I think that's corrected with diet and exorcism:
These are the information we needed to be reconfirmed by you. 1.Your Full Bunk Account Details 2.Your Direct Cell or office phone to reach you 3.Your address of locations 4.Your full names, howsomanysever you mights got.
 Finally, you are required to reconfirm directly to me the above information to enable me know weather or not I rained in your paranoid, or versa-vice.
 I have the genital warts to be the desk of Mr. Faireys D. Noujaim Vice Chairmoron, Credit /TeleProtological Department.

 BTW...we sended you a link of sausage from Decatur-Avondale Estates Patch - International Community School hosts tours of their new dumbed down libtard diseducation facility in dark and flatulent Joe Bidumb's butthole.

If my scamming yardbird bothered to attempt to read what I dun, perhaps that's why I did get a reply...a blank one  ;-)   I don't see the problem in understanding what I dun to his email.  Do you?

I didn't think so.

Oh well...mebbe he didn't, and thus he 'delete' me .... hee.


Saturday, April 20, 2013

Scambait Gibberish - I

One objective of editing scammer emails, when the scammers sees what I dun and to whom it went  ;-)

For the next two scams I edited, I went with a mix of rambling gibberish and -- Seymour my pet rock liked this -- allowing Seymour some more of his lyrical prowess (or so he imagines it), as Seymour unknowingly channeled Donovan from 1968.

"Did NOT!!!"

Yeah you did, Seymour.

But let the readers be the judge, as they see what was done to another Burkina Faso/Bank of Africa "millions in deceased account" scam:


With All Due Respect...a one anna two anna three...
Thrown like a sheep into my sleep
I am the fence and made to take a peep
To find cowboys lined up by the sea
and humping with tranquillity.
'Twas then when the Hurdy Gurdy Scam
Came 'mailing words of crap,
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Scam
Came 'mailing words....of scam.
Western Union, Western Union, Western Union us a fee.
Western Union, Western Union, Western Union us a fee.

Histories of scammers past
Unenlightened mugus cast
Down through all eternity
The bitching of humanity.
'Tis then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Comes kicking in your 'nads,
Then when the Hurdy Gurdy Man
Comes kicking in....your 'nads.
Western Union, Money Gram, or whatever gets us paid.
Cash and credit, Western Union, Money Grams all good.
Western Union, Money Gram, or whatever gets us paid.

Mugus Mugus, Mugus Mugus, Mugus Mugus we want you,
Here comes the roly poly scam it's seeking out mu-gus,
Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly, poly f**king scam.

Yes, I am trying out for Americans, I Dull!, and I am sure that singing this revised song
will get me much applaudits and stuffs throwd at me!
Seymour PetRock is gived my thanks for the lyrics.
But that's for later.
My adopted name is MRS AWA SULE; I was actually born
Billy Bob Thornton, but abandoned Hollyweird for the life of
a Third World goat-inseminating sufferagette of dubious genitals
and flatulence.  I need your urgent assistance in
transferring the total sum of 762 artificially inseminated goats 
immediately to your country, as long as you do not live next to    
Wyoming, where I am gived to understood that sheep do not
like cowboys bearing velcro gloves after a Saturday night at the
Meanwhile, it was very fortunate for me to come across the
idea for this email when I was arranging the old and abandoned
outhouse pit contents by state of decay.  A jobs I not recommends
unless you let me have yours.
Granted, goat herd exchanges of this size is not authorized by the rules
guiding our totally f**ked up country of Burkina Faso, so we needs to
do this under cover of my getting my chance on Americans, I Dull! 
That’s the reason I contacts you as a foreigner to apply for me to get
on that show and sing the song lyrics that Seymour PetRock sez will make
me infamous (he say that better than famous).  And I assure you that this
transaction, after this edit, is 100% risks free.
If you are a gullible asshat and douche nozzle, contact me and accept not to
change your mind to do what I'd do in your place:  cheat, or disappoint me.
Send to me your personals;
Last Time You Had Sex With A Mini-Cooper Exhaust Pipe.................................................
Telephone Number:...............................................
Please contact me back soonest or immediately, whichever is fastest or quicker.
I am waiting for your urgent response!!!
Thanks and remain a dumbass,
Neither Mrs Sule, her peers and colleagues, nor even Donovan have so far bothered to respond.  Seymour will be disppointed.
Or not....

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Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Whole Lotto Nonsense

There are OFFICIAL scammers, and there are the more freelance kind.

Far be it from me to not put an occasional spotlight on an OFFICIAL scammer, aka our potus.

But I digress.

My record continues apace; I won me another online lotto.

55 million pesos this time.  Only about 1.3 million USD.

Still...I "won".

And from a scammer who sounds like a potato chip.

But ol' Pringle Saul wouldn't recognize what it wuz I dun with his scam email, Ma.  Nor would it please him.

And here's why:

TEL: +447035908251
Winning Numbers is a whole lotto nonsense!!!!  It is to LAUGH!!!

YOUR EMAIL HAS EMERGED NOT FROM CYBERSPACE BUT FROM YO' MAMA'S ASS-SHAPED ORACLE!!!  This sounds amazingly like, y'know.  Hey, Christ John, is this YOU??? 
Anyway, we are WHOLE LOTTO NONSENSE, and we are hear to pump....YOU UP with a WHOLE LOTTO NONSENSE!!!!   Bet your cross-circuited bowel movements we are!!! 
Now we fill this email with a WHOLE LOTTO NONSENSE in the form of numbers and sh*t that means ABSOLUTELY JACK SH*T!!!  Unless, that is, you happen to know and honest-to-gawd person named Jack Sh*t, in which case he'll no doubt assure you that he knows nothing about this jack sh*t!!!
But here's a few factoids that you may find of interest the next time you play Trivial Pursuit:  did you know that 55,536,805.80 Pesos is roughly equivalent to 1,363,070.86 USD?  Did you know that you have a one-in-one-billion-email-chance of receiving an email like this that actually PAYS OFF?  And I'll bet you didn't know that this particular email.....doesn't beat the odds!!! 
Har-dee-har-har!!!  We Nigerians fronting as Brits, we is whacking great cock-ups, eh wot?
But now it's time to get serious....okay, that's bloomin' long enough, mate.


I have the extreme painful rectal itch honor to be named after a ruddy f**king potato chip,
Pringle Saul
TEL: +447035908251 (call collect any f**king time, wanker)

None of the other recipients bothered to respond; but ol' Pringle did, and in a style that is curiously familiar:
asshole.  loose my emale.
I immediately assured him that I had:
Worry not, 'Tater Chip:  I loosed your emale to as many of your peers and colleagues as I gots.  And they be laughin' at you now.  No need to thank me.
And he apparently didn't feel any such need ;-)

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Sunday, April 14, 2013

Door Jams

"What'd I come out here for?"
A friend sent me an email with the tongue-in-cheek observation that "now I can sleep at night!".

That she has a single sarcastic bone in her body; there're dozens of 'em.

Anyway...the of the Psych Dept at Notre Dame seem to think they've figured out why, when you walk from one room to another, you forget why you did.

And if you thought it's cuz you're getting older, ixnay on the agenay.

Here's the original email as I got it:

Subject: : It's the door
Phew ... I thought it was me.
It's the door!
Whew! What a relief to learn this...
Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?

Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an
event boundary in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for
the new locale.

So it's not aging, it's the damn door!

Thank goodness for scientific studies like this!
I guess upon reading this, I should have thanked goodness. It’s always been the door’s fault.
According to libtards, I thought it was Dubya’s.

Anyway, having had this ‘splained to me by the good time/money-wasting folks at Notre Dame’s Psy ward, I found this strange, irresistible itch to not let a sleeping door jam lie.

Thus, the study took on a more "me" appearance and thrice-concussed philosophy:

Subject: : Your Door Is a Jar
Phew ... I thought it was a door!
It's a jar!
Whew! What a relief to learn this...

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to find yourself inside a jar of pickles?

Turns out, auto manufacturers from the 1970s are to blame for these strange door/a jar metaphysical clusterf**ks.

Psychologists at the University of Dotre Name have discovered that (1) the government will award grant money to study about ANYTHING (2) a flushed toilet tends to smell better than a filled one (3) telling a man who needs to pee to go into a round room and pee in the corner always results in frustration and wet pants (4) and when auto manufacturers installed the audio warning "*ding*..your door is ajar", drivers who argued vociferously with their cars -- only to find the audio warning was adamant, unrelenting and persistent -- found that they were subconsciously worn down and had this bookmarked in the same part of the brain that tells men that the answer to a woman's question "is my butt getting fat?" must always be "no, dear". Researchers say that this is the "oh, what the f**k ever" trigger -- also knowd as a mind f**k -- that the brain experiences after just such an argument occurs.

Whereas a jackwaogned event boundary in the brain is crossed when event questions and answers are cross-circuited resulting in situations like:

She: is my butt getting fat?
He: no dear, it's a jar...

..and he spends the next week in the dawg house, cursing the car.

Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous experience and prepares a blank slate for the next experience. Unless you're a man, then sometimes certain primal programming -- sex, food, football -- creates what is called a "mind f**k conjugation" or "mental misfiling", leading to a verbal faux pas.

That's "stepping on your crank" for you low information voters out there.

So while you might be tempted to blame a mind f**k on things like aging or excess gas from burritos, it's not's the damn "*ding*...your door is a jar.." effect from 1970s GM!

We return you now to your regular email.

If this post makes no sense to you, and you were born after the annoying "*Ding*...your door is ajar.." thingee had been dispensed with by auto manufacturers, you’ll probably have to wait for nobama’s Brain research nonsense to find out why you walk through a door and forget why or where you left the keys you just forgot you were looking for, which you’ll remember when you walk back through the door.

Unless you’re a guy and were thinking about food, sex or football.

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Thursday, April 11, 2013

A Peek Into The Life Of Seymour In Pictures

Seymour and his former gal pal, Jane, on the beach in Japan
A few posts back, I mentioned that I had photos to back up some of the claims that I'd made on my pet rock's travelling behalf.

I'm dipping into the archives to share a few (aka, it's a slow post week).


In case you hadn't gathered it, that was Seymour's way of responding to my 'aka'.

Anyway...the first photo in the series here is Seymour and his Iowa-growd (and filched from) gal pal, Jane.  They are on the beach outside of the Moooo! Bar on Shiraishi Island, in the Inland Sea, south of Kyushu.  They were hosted there in summer of 2007 by fellow blogger and writer Amy Chavez, aka "Cow Lady".

Yes, she is the covert "Cow Lady" who rescued Seymour from, er..."domestic difficulties" in Ohio, shortly after his tenure in Japan ended.  He returned, sans Jane.

Yes, I told you I had a photo of the "Cow Lady".  Ain't she udderly adorable?

From there, Seymour went to Texas, where -- I say it again -- he married a wind chime.  Yes, he did.  Granted, it was at the insistence of his hostess there, Monica Newton McCawley.

Yes, that's Windy and Seymour, just before the wedding ceremony that brought them back as a couple. 

And here is the 'wedding' ceremony, Texas-style:

Which went okay, I guess...until the honeymooning couple were off to North Carolina, meeting two more of my good blogging friends, Mayden and Pixie:

This is Seymour, thoroughly enjoying meeting Pixie.

However, during the visit, Seymour partook of a Halloween party with a table decoration named "Skull", which Windy was not amused by.

Here Seymour meets 'Skull', apparently while Windy fumes off-camera. 

Anyway, when it was time for Seymour's next jaunt -- to Virginia -- to spend time with the talented writer/artist Janine, Windy did not accompany him.  Too bad, too:  Seymour got the full cultural treatment in Virginia.

He got to see historical sites in Washington, DC.

Seymour learned the art of making pizza (which he rather inconveniently forgot when he got back here).

Seymour became rather bookish there, learning much about his own heritage.

Seymour learned a thing or two about painting...which he thankfully didn't try to take up here.

And Seymour cracked a little 'bubbly' for New Years Eve, 2011.  Which might explain a later escapade in '13, but I digress...

Meantime, Windy decided to pull the plug on her and Seymour when he returned from Virginia, so she went back to Texas, while he decided a trip closer to home was due.  So Seymour went triathaloning with my older sister in Aurora, CO, and then was off to Loveland, to meet my other sister's equestrian triad...

Seymour gets an impromptu ride on Lena, while...

Mara looks on and Renny clowns with Seymour...

And Seymour even winds up getting photoshopped...he wanted to keep the moustache, claiming it made him a "geologic stud".

At present, Seymour is in Califorlornia, hosted by yet another blogging friend, Sandee.  Though, I must say, Seymour's behavior has been a bit...uh...disconcerting.  However, when he's good...

He's seeing double at the Encinal Yacht Club...

Or donning a life vest before yachting off the Califorlornia coast.  Not a bad life for a pet rock.

See...told you I had pictures.  You thought I was making all this up, huh?  I even have Seymour and his pals here reading one of Monica's published friend's books (Paula Bruno):

Or fare from my home state of Iowa...

Seymour and his pet rock sidekick, Element (a gift for Seymour from his North Carolina friend for life, Mayden) love looking at the pictures of Iowa's four seasons and rural Americana.  He'd also like to go visit Devil's Backbone State Park, just to see if it really looks like the Devil's backbone.  Having climbed around on it as a kid, I can assure him it is...especially at my middle-aged status now. up for Seymour (assuming he doesn't get arrested again before he comes home in May)...a trip to rural Arkansas.

Perhaps he'll bring peace betwixt the Hatfields and McCoys.

Or target practice.


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Monday, April 8, 2013

Creamed Scam

It's a strange thing, really:  as a kid, I rather liked creamed corn.  Even creamed peas.

I drew the line at creamed beets.  Ewww.

Now, I find them adequate simply to bait email scammers.

An email that a spammer meant to swamp my primary scambaiting email box -- a scam "payment" from the UN and IMF for online scam victims, meant only to increase the number of scam victims, much like liberal policy -- was used and abused on 100+ of my scammer 'friends', most of whom won't talk to me now.

I probably scared them with the thought of being swept by a wave of...well, read it yourself:


Dear Scammed Victim:

This is to bring to your notice that I am a transspecies-gendered delegate from the United
Nations Office of Rodent Genitilia Surgically Implantations, located here in bucolic West Africa Regional area where sh*t in the jungle can make things rot off you faster than a flock of piranha in the Amazon River.

You are listed and approved for this recovery assistance as one of the scammed victims who were fed creamed corn at one time in your life, thinking that sh*t was good for you. PUH-LEEEEASE!

Have you ever closely examined the bowel movement of someone who ate creamed corn a day before? I was forced to, because I didn't want this gawddamned assignment, and my boss laid a big gnarly movement right in the middle of my desk after HE'D been conned into eating creamed corn the night before.

It was ghastly. And, as I pointed out to my boss, my desk resembles not in the slightest a toilet implement.

"It does now" was his snarky response, along with paperwork transferring me to this sh*t assignment.

My boss has never been known for tact. Bad breath and testicular pus, yes, but not for tact.

On this faithful recommendation, I want you to know that during the last U.N.meetings held at Abuja, Federal Republic of Nigeria, it was alarmed so much by the world in the meetings on the rising tide of West African incidents of creamed corn bowel movements, and it was obvious that a scam of the worst odor was in the process of being perpetrated on people clearly not prepared for it.
Most folks here abouts have no idea what a toilet is, y'see. Hence, if someone tells them my desk is one, phffffffffffft, there they drop trou and crap away.

I will be circulating a petition for a new desk soon, and hope you'll donate generously.

In odor to compensate these victims, the U.N Body is now working out deliveries of copious supplies of Imodium AD, the quantity of which will each be in accordance with the U.N.recommendations.

Due to the corruption in the Federal Republic of Nigeria, we're going to have our equally corrupt cousins in Benin handle this project, since they are only dealing with a creamed peas scam, and I don't think that that is worse than creamed corn in fecal form.

No, don't any of you smart asses drop trou and leave a sample for comparison on my desk. Asshat.

Your particulars was mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrested after leaving a particularly gnarly creamed corn movement on my desk, and then having the gall to pose next to it for pictures holding a sign saying "Mine!". You are hereby warned not to duplicate this.

Send Your Full Name......
Telephone number......
Your correct address........
Favorite Sex Toy......
In 100 words or less, Say if you dumped on my desk or not and why.....

Send that to Representative: Mr Kelvin Moor

Please you are advice to stop any communication with any person or Body that is currently telling you that creamed beets are good for you, and/or that my desk is the place to relieve yourself of them, so that you don't get scammed and my desk isn't rendered irretrievably toxic.

Do feel free to call me any time on my telephone number.(+2348138411021).  I don't care why, so's long as you don't fart on the phone at 2am.

Yours faithfully,
Mr Kelvin Moor

WEST AFRICA REPRESENTATIVE with the sh*tty-smelling desk Office of Rodent Genitilia Surgically Implantations

I did get back one email from scammer Christ John ( -- if you remember from a few weeks back, ol' "turn me over to his family oracle" Boy -- demanding that I stop sending says u stop sending this sh*t immediate!

My response:  that's what this email is meant to save you from, you provincial peckerhead.  BTW oracle boy, how's that family oracle that looks like yo' mama's ass workin' for ya, hmmmm?

I think I hurt his feelings.

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Friday, April 5, 2013

He So Ronery

Even if we are cursed with the worst, most inept potus in history, the United States still retains a helluva military potential.

Even moreso than was suggested in Team America:  World Police.

Something that North Korea's latest little tin-potbellied dictator, Kim Jong Un, seems at least publically oblivious to.  Him and his "vulnerable to industrial magnets" generals.

But all Un's bellicose babblings have just drawn a big bullseye on him from the cyberhacker world.  A recent online story tells us that internet hackers have 'hijacked' the official Twitter feeds of North Korea, posting photoshopped pictures of Kim Jong Un with a pig nose and a Mickey Mouse tattoo on his ample tummy.

Tough imaging for North Korea's latest in the line of "strongmen".  Word has it that when he was informed, he blurted out "Who put on me pig nose on my tweeter?  What mean this?  You no raugh at me!!!"

And he promptly wanted a nuclear attack on South Park, Colorado.  Which his generals quickly learned he couldn't find on a map, since he was gesturing angrily at Liechtenstein.

North Korea.  When Iran isn't providing comic relief about sending their "Navy" to blockade our East Coast, leave it to North Korea to be the Joe Bidumb of the Far East.

Oh, not to say that North Korea isn't dangerous; it most certainly is to South Korea.  And perhaps Japan as well.  It maintains at least a million men under arms, which it can do by starving the rest of its thoroughly cowed and indoctrinated population.  It has an Air Farce and a Navy.  It purportedly has chemical and biological weapons. purportedly has nukes.  And to deliver these various and sundry payloads, North Korea has  missiles.  Scuds -- those dubiously accurate short range missiles of equally dubious antecedence from the Middle East -- and it's own longer range missile, the Taepodong (English translation:  "It hit and brow up something somewhere") in large and larger format.  It also has other missiles in development, including the Nodong, DangItMissed, and the WTF-II.

The US is no stranger to North Korea.  We fought a war (aka a 'police action' in Trumanese) with them in 1950-53, thanks to a whole slew of political and military miscalculations by the Soviets, us, and China.  A very uneasy armistice has barely held along the "Demilitarized Zone", ever since.

While many in history refer to the Korean War as a war we didn't win or that we even lost, I challenge that assessment with not only economic realities north and south of the Demilitarized Zone, but also with this satellite night time image of the Korean Peninsula:

Totalitarian darkness vs the light of freedom.  'Nuff said.

Anyway...North Korea is all belligerent again.  They do this every so often:  they get vocal, threatening...and chill out when they get some economic concessions from someone.  And after the concessions have been sucked dry, they do it again. 

And why not, as long as it works?  In the past, Jimmah Carter "saved us" from North Korea's "wrath".  More recently, it's Dennis Rodman trying to play da great diplomat. 

With emphasis on 'dip'.

Of course, the North sees weakness in the present American administration.  No surprise:  with the worst potus in history, and his recent appointment of a very inept, concessionary-oriented Secretary of State, North Korea sees an opportunity for gain.

And a chance to make Kim Jong Un the next leading character in a Trey Parker/Matt Stone marrionette parody. 

See, Kim Jong Un's been jealous ever since daddy-san -- Kim Jong Il -- got a song in Hollyweird music lore from the movie Team America:  World Police.  That moving solo, "I So Ronery". 

Kim Jong Un wants a sequel.

So he threatens to destroy the South and nuke the USA, in order for his chance at a Grammy.

All the while, his "vulnerable to one industrial magnet" generals make with a front of aggressive confidence...

Meantime, all Kim Jong Un is really and secretly angling for, is not a military victory, but a part in the next Trey Parker/Matt Stone film:

And a hit single that sweeps the recording world, eclipsing "I So Ronery" at the top of the charts.

I'm sure Dennis Rodman will be happy to be Kim Jong Un's publicist.

Until then...he so ronery...with a hacker-hijacked tweeter.

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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A Day Late, But

"Let's get rea-deee to RUMMMBLLLLLE!"

Just imagine that in chipmunk-ese.

It actually arrived a few days ahead of April 1, but I didn't get to it until a day after.  My bad.  I know the scammer(s) prolly thought so.

Especially with what I dun to their song, Ma.

It was meant to look like an awwwthentic email from Bank of America.  Even had the BOA logo.  Catchy.

And it informed me that there'd been some sooo-spicious activity on my BOA online account, and that I needed to click on a link they had to verify my account info had not been compromised.

Most thoughtful.

'Cept I ain't got no BOA online account.  Never had me wun.

Not that it stopped me from clicking on the link and sending back a whole lot of rather derogatory gibberish I represented as my online log in info.  I'm sure it worked real goooood for them fellers.

For for those of youse what knows me, that simply wasn't enough, y'see.

So I follered it up with the following edit:

Subject: Blank Of America Online Violates Gerbils

Home - Bank Of America
Devalued Customer,

We are currently engaged in violating gerbils, and thus we wish to know from our customer database who amongst you has gerbils. 
Not that we are restricted solely to violating gerbils; we'll do guinea pigs, hamsters, rats, mice, platypus...anything small, furry and with a hole to poke.  Hell, stuffed animals are fine.  We are insatiable in this endeavor, let us assure you.
If you can help us out, we'll have a special gift for you:  a video of us doing a gerbil named Desiree.

Well, we were going to have a video...but YouTube pulled it, saying that it was offending a hamster named Desiree.
We foresee a cage match to settle this on WWE:  Desiree vs Desiree...rodent cage match to determine who we do the video of!
NOTE: Failure to respond to us with an offer for us to violate your small furry pet within 24HRS of receiving this notice will lead to something very gnarly in your breakfast.  Add to that, we'll pout and throw a helluva tantrum.  Oh yeah, we can do that.
*DISCLAIMER:  the asshat we have on payroll who calls hisself an atturkey, he sez we have to put this in.  We're not the REAL Bank of America, though with some of the stuff that goes on, we sometimes cannot be told apart, eh?  Anyway, anything said herein that in any way comparably represents itself to be akin to Bank of America, is purely the fault of democrats and Paul Krugman, both of whom are trying to out-moron one another.  Any special offers that the real BOA has that are remotely like this one, just shows they're listening in on our marketing meetings.  Jackwagons.  Your results may vary from ours, 'cuz you ain't us.  If you were, you'd be just as reprehensible.  The FTC and SEC have not evaluated the contents of this email; they're still busy looking for nobama's economic 'recovery' that's obviously hiding in piers moron's twisted liberal fantasies about him, Rachel Madcow, and an inflatable facsimile of Nancy Bela Pelosi.  Oh yes...and the bloated marxist piece of crap Hugo Chavez is still dead.  Danny Glover is having to make due with an inflatable replica, though he and Sean Penn are fighting over who gets to blow it...up.

So far, no comments from BOA, PETA, PMSNBC, CNN, the Nevada Boxing Commission, WWE or any other accredited/made up acronym. 
But I'm okay if they're a day or two later than I wuz...

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