Thursday, November 29, 2012

Calling Liechtenstein

November 29, 2012.  Which means that 28 days of the month are history.


I find the photo on the right will be non sequitur to what I'm about to write.  Besides...the sign is wrong:  I bet Montana and Nevada, New Mexico and Arizona, and even Texas, have such signs.

Perhaps not buttressed by a used up GE, but I start to digress now.

My page stat counter is a curious thing.  It tells me from where in the world I'm getting page visitors.  For instance, on November 28, 2012, after visitors from the USA, the next largest group of visitors came from, of all places, Bulgaria.

Hello, Sophia.

A lot of foreign visitors find my page thanks to Google searches.  For the past 28 days of November, my ten most visited posts concerned what I do to email scam emails (7), legalizing pot in Colorado, grits, and receiving collect calls from the dead.

I doubt Bulgarians were much interested in grits.

After Bulgaria, visitors today were from Canada, the UK, India, Russia, Germany, France, Sweden and Croatia. 

Greetings, Zagreb.

For the week, Poland ranks #2 in visits, right behind my USA-based visitors, ahead of Russia, UK, Canada, India, Bulgaria, France, Germany and Indonesia. 

Greetings, Warsaw & Jakarta.

And for the month through the 28th, after USA-based visits, comes France, followed by the UK, India, Canada, Germany, Russia, Poland, Australia and Indonesia.

Messy bird coup, Paris; G'day, Canberra.

Throughout my occasions to check stats, I've seen visits from other regions of the world not mentioned herein, but encompassing most of the world's major land masses.

I only lack three locations that I'd really like to see visit, at least once.

Obviously, anyone from the North and South Pole would be unique.

And I'd love to see a visit from at least one person living in Liechtenstein.  Liechtenstein was, for a number of my scambaiting years, the place my various scambaiting characters called 'home'; the phone number I oft times gave scammers to call was the fax number to office of the Mayor of Vaduz.  Or perhaps Hizzoner's office fielded calls from scammers or others, curious about the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute, allegedly located in Vaduz.  My characters told many a scammer that the beer-stealing lobsters from the Super Bowl Budweiser commercials of years past, were trained there.

So you see why I'd love to see at least one visitor to this site from Liechtenstein.  And no, Switzerland does not count; I've been visited by Switzerland. 

It has to be a page visit from Liechtenstein.

So that's my Christmas wish for 2012:  before the Mayan Calendar is proven to be real or another Al Capone's vault, I want at least one page stat from Liechtenstein.

Someone out there MUST know at least one computer-owning person in Liechtenstein.

Comensee here, Vaduz; you know you wanna.

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Monday, November 26, 2012

Revisionism Scam-Style

No.  This is not a geography or history lesson, though it might appear that it could be.

But it IS a lesson.  I'm taking a scammer to school.  The School of Scam Email Revisionism.

The duet of Harris Teeter and Edward H. Lynn (probably one person actually named Ackhbar Cameltoad), were trying to get me to wire transfer $170 USD to their 'agent' in Benin, which would get me sent a 'package' containing millions in USD.


They didn't read -- whatsoever -- what I dun to their first email.  They didn't read what I dun to their second email.  The character of Edward H. Lynn did complain to me about what I did the third time ("if you joke more with us, we will not send you package if you not serious").  My fourth rewrite -- of Lynn's response -- didn't get anything from Lynn, but got another "la la la la" response from Teeter.

Deluded scammers, cave in.

So I decided to take Harris Teeter to a lesson combining history, geography, mysticism and the inner workings of the thrice-concussed mind, all in one email rewrite:

I am in serious need of help here. Really.

My name is Harris Teeter Twot, and a year ago I was accosted on the street in Lagos, Nigeria, by a medicine woman of dubious antecedence and with what she promised me were magical breasts that when rubbed counterclockwise, would grant me three wishes.
You're damn tootin' I went for it!!!

But instead of being granted three wishes, she sat me in a barkolounger with a brillo pad prostate massager, and dangled before me a golden platypus anus from the Nebuccanzeer Empire in the ancient kingdom of Byzantium from the year 2,000 BC, or so she claimed in a foreign tongue that looked to be forked.
And there, captured in its ancient, mystical grip, I was given a strange concoction that the medicine woman told me was the dreaded Byzantine Embalming Mind F**k.

I do not know all of the ingredients of this very ancient brew, but along with hallucinagens and opiates, it contained 65% camel urine.

And now, I am its slave.

Whenever the psychokinetic powers of the golden platypus anus summon me into the midst of another Byzantine Embalming Mind F**k, I am powerless to resist.

So, what I need from you is the following: (1) 5 virgin goat hang nails (2) one piranha vagina in pristine condition (no teeth marks) (3) an African Mugu mask of the Ungabunga Tribe and (4) for you to send all of this to me via Fed Ex, as soonest as possible.

You can email me for my exact address at

Please hurry...the power of the golden platypus anus is overtaking me, and if it goes unchecked much longer, the Byzantine Embalming Mind F**k will render me almost as stupid as Diane Sawyer on Erection Night.

Harris Teeter Twot aka Edward H. Lynn, goat sodomist

After all was said and done, I was sure what to expect in the way of a reply if I got one, and they didn't disappoint me:

this nonsence you send  you go mine f**k.

I see that I am too late...the golden platypus anus has you completely in its power...tell the others I emailed to never mind sending you the stuff.  You're totally Byzantine Embalming mind f**ked now.  Sorry.

Yes, I did say that I was sorry.  No, I really wasn't  ;-)

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Friday, November 23, 2012

Feeling Froggy?

I never know where I might take a scammer email rewrite, until I start the rewrite.

This one wound up as a 'leap' alright.  One the scammer did not understand.

It began as a typical scam email from a typically unimaginative scammer:


This is to draw your attention of your unclaimed contract payment with the Federal Government and authorization has been passed to effect your contract payment on behalf of the Government, the only problem now is that we have dictated a lot of irregularities attached to your contract payment file.

"Dictated a lot of irregularities attached to your contract payment file".  I'm sure they did.

I always love finding out that somewhere in Scamland, I have a "contract payment file" that has "dictated irregularities attached".  Who knew? 

As I pondered how to respond to Mr. Richard Asumu or whatever the flock he was, a twisted idea began to form in my thrice-concussed editing mind, and from there I took a leap of nonsense:



This is to draw your attention to one of the strangest emails you'll ever receive, ever.
The Nigerian Presidunt, and his very dubious Office of the Minister of Frog Vaginas and Penile Matters, would like to ask you the following questions:
(1) Did you at any time delegate any person to order you a frog vagina or penis on your behalf?

(2) Were you involved in a genital accident that would necessitate you needing either?

(3) Are you aware or related to anyone whoever had a frog vagina or penis?

(4) Can you, in 100 coherent words or less, explain why it is you think that a frog vagina or penis will serve you as effectively as a human version, and perhaps more effectively than comparable models from manatees, platypus, or wombats?
Please reconfirm and answer the above questions, and be 100% serious as you do so. While you may have reason to view this email with raised eyebrows and suspected disbelief, understand that we had to write it with the same efforts in play. Really.
This all came to be because an individual called Mr. Thomas Mick was involved in some very dubious sexual research involving cross species genitilia implantation, and during a most critical trial in this research phase he was attacked and eaten alive by a piranha vagina he attempted to implant in his crotch, right next to his family jewels.
It was the damndest thing we've ever seen since the photos of Helen Thomas in a bikini shut down our entire internet system last year, and stampeded every animal in every conceivable direction. Don’t you have laws against that?
Following the official protocols, you are to forward to us your answers to the above questions, so that we can ascertain whether or not you're a f**king moron or just a democrat.

Thanks for your co-operation.
Best Regard

Richard Asumu Gesundheit
Secretary to the Minister of Frog Vaginas and Penile Matters

None of Asumu's 50 friends and colleagues bothered to reply to this curious little edit.  Asumu did, but only in feeble protest, and only once:

i not am understand this not what i send to you

Yeah, when I read it I thought that you were (a) one really perverted dude (b) a real amphibophile and/or/also (c) a democrat.

I guess I hurt his feelings, calling him a democrat.

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Monday, November 19, 2012

Build It...And They'll Say "WTF?"

This was an email rewrite that took place in early October.  As I was cleaning out the email queue for a new month, I thought you might find it amusing.

The original scammer -- Rev. Dr. Chris Quaye -- didn't.

On or about October 1, 2012, Rev. Dr. Quaye wrote to me to tell me he was the airport director of whatever at an airport in Ghana.  And there in customs, he'd found something of value that he wished to share with me.

You pretty much know the story.

Well, I was in kind of a funk that day.  My 'edit' of his email might suggest that I wasn't on my 'A game' that day:

From: Ghana Civil Aviation Authority <>
Sent: Monday, October 1, 2012 8:37 AM
Subject: Yes, We Have An Airport

Good day,

I am Rev. Dr. Rick Quaye, and I is the Director of Airport Stuff, of Kotoka Airport, Accra-Ghana.

We just got this airport thing, and truth be told, we don't really know what to do with it. The only 'plane' that ever landed here was an off-course seagull from Senegal. We know that because we asked it.

Yes, our seagulls talk. Don't yours?

Anyway, I am the director here. It's a nice title, I think. It gives me free run of the facilities here, most of which I have no idea what they're intended for. But that's not why I'm writing.

This is to inform you that we have discovered that we need some kind of a device called 'radar' to be able to use this facility safely. Currently, we ain't got none dem radar stuffs. Because of this, two buzzards collided in mid-air, circling over a gazelle that was hit by a run-away luggage tow cart. What it was running away from might have been the lion that was chasing the gazelle. We don't know. The tow cart doesn't say, the lion won't say, and the gazelle is beyond saying. So are the two buzzards.

Anyway, we asked the UN missionary here about it, and he said -- before the staff cooked and ate him -- that we needed to establish "air traffic control", to better serve local and international traffic.

Once we establish what he meant by "local and international traffic", we can figure out how to go about doing what it was he meant before he became a hors d'oeuvre.

I did some research via the 'jungle internet' -- y'know, drumming on hollowed-out trees -- and two weeks later came back that you might just have the knowledge we need to solve some of these problems. So would you please send to us:



With the above informations, you can help us to figure out what the f**k we can do with this "airport" thing, instead of just letting baboons run across it, playing 'chicken' with the luggage tow carts and stealing the bags to do unspeakable things in the jungle with.

Baboons are pretty perverted.

Soonest, please, read and get this back to me without any delay, since the 'jungle internet' is so slow; with my position as the Director of Airport Stuff, I am expected to tell the government something about my job. I don't want to have to go back to artificially inseminating sexually frustrated giraffe.

For further correspondence i will advice you contact me via my private email
( )Sincerely,
Rev. Dr. Chris Quaye, Esq., DDC, MD, pHd, WTF
Director of Airport Stuff
Ghana Civil Aviation
Accra, Kotoka Airport, Ghana First Of It's Kind In Ghana: And Next Year, We Get A Real Flushing Toilet!

Rev. Dr. Quaye didn't take kindly to my rewrite, though his brief protest didn't really address his scam per se:

no need for u insults  we are good peoples here.

Remembering that I was in a bit of a funk at the time, my response probably won't surprise you:

You just ain't one of them, F**k Face.

Thanks to my funk, I didn't get to have an extended conversation about the peoples of Ghana.  Oh well...

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Friday, November 16, 2012

My Favorite Bug?

What does this look like to you?

What you see here is a still photo from a video shot by a local news outfit (Denver CO's local Fox affiliate), responding to a report of 'something' flying over Denver during the noon hour or so, for the past several weeks or so.

The Fox people thought they were responding to a hoax, until they filmed...whatever it is.

I certainly don't know what it is.  And I can't say, with absolute certainty, all of what it ain't.  More on that to come.  But I get a kick out of a couple of notions put forth by "experts" referenced for a Yahoo News article on it.

One -- a reputed UFO expert -- is quoted as having written on his blog, "The 'UFOs' appear at least several times a week [for months], we are told, usually around noon to 1 PM. Most flying insects become more active during the warmest part of the day."

Another tends to echo that observation:  "There are many obvious holes in the spacecraft explanation, not the least of which is that it's amazing that no one in Denver apparently noticed the extraterrestrial spacecraft launching and landing in the skies over the downtown area in the middle of the day. The most likely explanation? A bug or insect, probably a fly or bee."

Did I really want to go on MY blog and challenge the opinions of professed 'experts' on what it is in the picture?  Not really...but my pet rock, Seymour, used a magnifying glass he claims he used to warm himself with during the winter months when he lived outside (before I adopted him), and said that what he sees when he magnifies the photo above is this:

So that's three votes for it being a 'bug'.  Two by reputed 'experts', and one by a pet rock with dubious eye sight or a warped magnifying glass.

"Do and is NOT!!!"

Now, I don't claim to be an entomologist or to play one on Orkin commercials, but as I look at the top picture, and then the one Seymour dug up, I do NOT see a definitive resemblance.  Still, to dismiss the opinions of reputed experts and a pet rock without something substantive to offer by way of rebuttal is, well....accepted practice in the lamestream media.

I mean, we do have evidence of rather large insects that exist in nature.  Why else would certain states have posted such warning signs:

Then again -- and it is here that the reputed experts are a bit seasonally-challenged -- it's November in Denver.  And today, it was in the 50s around noon.  At whatever altitude the 'thing' was at (knock off an average of 3 degrees for every thousand feet of altitude), you'd think we see the 'bug' wearing a coat or something. 
At the very least, antennae muffs.

No, the more I ponder the top photo, the less impressed I am with the opinions of two reputed 'experts'.  I never was impressed with Seymour's.


So if it isn't a 'bug', and it isn't perhaps an alien UFO, then what in the Sam Hill herniated horsefeathers is it?

I have several theories, none of which are borne out by substantive evidence, a lack of which never stops the lamestream media from speculating, so they can avoid doing serious journalism:

-  something being tested by the govmint out of Buckley (where lots of secret stuff doesn't go on, 'cuz if they admitted it did, it sorta kinda wouldn't be secret).
-  someone playing with an RC toy and having a great time with all the speculation they're creating.
-  a military test drone.
-  a weather balloon.
-  a weather balloon disguised as a UFO.
-  a weather balloon disguised as a flying penguin.
-  Nancy Pelosi on her broom.
-  the national, ain't high enough.
-  Hollyweird doing pre-filiming for Indiana Jones V-- The Quest For The Next Sequel.
Cheech 'n Chong, getting ready for legalized recreational pot in Colorado and their own sequel, Up In Smoke II -- The Mile Higher.

Or maybe it's an space alien shuttle service, sending all those illegal nobama voters back to the planet Numbskullion, now that the 'election' is over.

Whatever it is, it ain't bothering me.  And if it starts to, I'll just inflict Seymour upon it.  He has gas.

"Do NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFT!!!!"


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Ads That Can't Adds Up

Not all of my emails come from overseas email scammers.  Some of the funny, ridiculous ones come from right here in the good ol' USA. 

From ad spammers.

Ad spammers that might wanna do perhaps a modicum of research before they try to tailor their ad to a specific locality.

Like Central City, Colorado.

I recently received an ad that said, and I quote, "Central City dealerships are offering Huge Deals on New Cars!". 


If some of you remember recently, I did an article about a sign that is posted within the town limits of Central City, on which you find interesting little tid bits about the City, and some of what it has to offer.  Here it is once more, for your perusal:

After your careful perusal of this particular sign, me thinks that you will find not one car dealership listed within the City of Central.  In fact, I am reasonably certain that there are no car dealerships to be found within the County of Gilpin, wherein the City of Central is located.

*BONK BONK* to the stupid ad spammer.

Now might this be an opportunity for a budding entremanure to seize, and make an opportunity from a void?

I think not.

However, were there to be such an effort, I reckon it might just resemble this h'yar from my photo archives of past photos taken that might, one day, have some degree of use, though at the time I took this, I doubted it:

And on this lot, a selection of (badly) used autos for every type of motorist who has no immediate plans of mobility:

Here, a certified mechanic gives a run down on a truly run down fixer-upper in the lot's "economy" section.  Fixer up and blast her out of the lot.  Maybe.

Yeah, I was pretty amused by the ad spammer's idea that Central City car dealerships had huge savings awaiting customers.

*BUZZZZZER*  Maybe a misled customer will have better luck with Toothless Eddie's Burro Emporium & Pot Shop, in Nederland....  


Saturday, November 10, 2012

Everybody Won't Get Stoned..Just Yet might say that Election 2012 went to pot.

Literally so in Colorado.

Colorado and Washington State are the two states that just -- by a vote of the people -- approved de-criminalizing marijuana.

Not just dopers are celebrating.  Locally, even some sound, upright conservatives have long argued for this moment.

Thanks to the voters of Colorado, they maybe mighta got it.

But not so fast, as our esteemed and sauteed governor with the goofy last name reminds us; "don't break out those Cheetos and Gold Fish just yet".

I happen to like Cheetos and Gold Fish crackers without any artificial stimulus, thank you very much, Guv Hickenloopy.

Amendment 64 -- whatever else it does, if it's another one of those "we have to pass it to find out what's in it" loads of crap -- might de-criminalize cannabis in Colorado.  But not if the Feds don't get on board.

Others aren't buying into it either.  The NFL says "no change" in their strict drug policies.  So too, the NCAA.  State law enforcement has yet to weigh all the ramifications with 64.  Not to mention, all those private and public sector employers that have pre-employment and post-incident drug screening, terminating violators for positive results.

Like so many ballot initiatives that get passed by a vote of the people, there will be no doubt a litany of lawsuits shortly to be filed by opponents, who failed to stop this at the ballot box.  So next they'll try it at the judicial box.

If it isn't squashed by the Feds or judiciary, Amendment 64 may take 2-5 years to finally implement.  And another 5-20 years for the full impact and consequences to become clear.

Truth be told, I voted against it; I am one of those apparently rare birds who never tried marijuana.  Not once.  It never tempted me.  It still doesn't.  In my younger years, I came to associate it with some rather unsavory, repulsive folks (what would pass today for the Occupy Nothing Useful crowd).

Later, it was a non-starter for my career field choice; one positive drug test, regardless of when or why, and I'd be looking for an entirely different line of work.

And I never bought the arguments that proponents use to say it's okay:  that it's harmless and makes people mellow, unlike alcohol; that it's much safer to smoke than smoking cigarettes; that it's not a 'gateway drug' and won't lead users to more radical and lethal substances; that people don't get violent and commit crimes on pot; that it's a source of revenue generation at a time that budgets are tight; and that once it's legalized, it neuters the drug lords.

Prove all of that to me 10-20 years after it's legalized.  At this point, I doubt you'll be able to.

That said, I won't be joining any class actions or suits to stop Amendment 64.  My personal choice is that I won't partake of it.  It's my right and choice not to.  At the same time, once it's legally enacted, any one who so chooses, can partake.  That's their choice.

See how simple and unobstrusive that is, liberals?

Meantime, Colorado gets to be the envy of some, and the butt of jokes for others.  For example: -- or at least soon, perhaps -- we'll have the "Mile Higher City".  Starbucks will have a 'bong section' added to their franchises.  Munchies will become like a cigarette after sex used to be.

Cheech and Chong will forsake Berkeley for Denver.

Amidst all this my pet rock, Seymour, wants to know what all the hoopla's about.  He says that he's been stoned all his life, and "it be no big thang".  What's more, Seymour says I set my pots to smoking in my kitchen all the time, and neither the Feds or West Metro Drug Task Force have ever bothered me over it.

Perhaps Bob Dylan can explain at least part of it to Seymour...

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Wednesday, November 7, 2012

When Persistence FAILS

Persistence PAYS. 

Well, not always.

You readers remember my lengthy email duel with Gabriel Obi, a few posts back.  After our last exchange, I reckoned that was it.

But after I copied him in one of my last scam email edits, Gabriel either forgot the 'hard feelings' he ended our communications with, or just decided that another try for that $250 was worth it.

As you read the following, perhaps you'll understand what the stick figure is doing.  I think  Gabe is, now.

As with my previous post involving multiple exchanges with him, I will simply post the emails in the order sent and received, starting with the email that got him all fired up to want to know why I’d do business with other scammers, and not him. It’s an edited email scam from a Guosa Obalin, who didn’t bother to respond to what I did with his email:
Dear Friend:

My names are Mr. Guosa Obalin, Ichabob Crain, Tiny Tim, Ukulele Ungabunga, Vagina Face, Asshat, Phucklips, and my personal favorite, Donald Douche Nozzle.

I am about to retire from my job as a toilet seat licker with the Nigerian Toilet Seat Flavoring Company, and I write to inform you that I need someone to take my place, and Mr. Gabriel Obi of Nigeria has recommended you to take my place.

Mr. Obi's intention could not have been more clear, because when I asked him who should I seek to replace me, he told me that you could kiss his ass.

And it is Gabriel Obi that sits on the toilet seat BEFORE you lick it.

I am awaiting your acceptance response to my email. Hurry please.I will be expecting your reply as soon as possible. This is genuine and I need all seriousness attached to this project.
Mr. Guosa Obalin

What? Send me your number now  

I try to call your phone but I can not hear you . You can call me on this number now. + 2348122607899

You try call me this number: 303-3**-**** (my voice mail number).

Yes you now have my number call me now.

No, you call me.

Call me
No, you call me...303-3**-**** long distance calls are expensive...yours probably aren't.
Understand that as this is going on, I am constantly changing my voice message: from Porky Pig doing "Blue Christmas", to a segment of George Carlin’s "Cute Little Farts", to some choice Three Stooges clips...and they appear to be confusing good ol’ Gabe:

Give me the working number now

 I did...303-3**-****...don't they teach you Phone 101 in Nigeria?

 I as you to pay $ 250. But you say no why and now people are as you to pay to them now. Why you pay them not me? now we get down to it: Gabe thinks I’m letting others scam me, but not him, and he’s jealous. Ya gotta love it:

Just call me on the number I gave you, Gabe, and perhaps we can help you understand this. Email me just before you call, so I can close out my email to answer the phone (which of course won’t happen, and he’ll get to hear Eric Cartman from South Park’s expose on rainbows...).

Am calling you on this now +13035****** (he’s back to calling me on the fax number that gets him nowhere).

I told you, call me on 303-3**-****...and I also told you, if you'd pay attention, that when you failed to uphold our previous agreement, I went to Money Gram and cancelled the $250 I wired you. Do you f***ing pay attention to anything? (Remembering how much he hates the f-and s-bombs).

Why do you cancelled the 250? It not fare you do this. Can you go back and pay that money now before anything

He REALLY wants that money....well, time for more fun with Gabe:

I will resend you the $250, AFTER YOU CALL ME AT 303-3**-**** and give me one good reason to go ahead and send it. If I don't answer -- because I am busy online -- you leave me a message, explaining to me why I need to send you the money. You do that, and I will resend it.
You to give me some time. Am at the office okey

Like he hasn’t been throughout this whole exchange? That must be some ‘office’ LOL. Anyway, I let him re-re-re-believe that he has a shot here:

Okay, I'll tell you are a few hours ahead of me. When you get done with work, you call 303-3**-****, you listen carefully to the phone message, and then you leave me a message to explain why I should send you $250. If you do that, I'll send it to you. You take care of this when you leave work, and you'll have what I send you next day. Guaranteed.
The day went by, and no message was left by ol’ Gabe. So to tweak him (as I suspected it would), I sent him this Wednesday night:

You didn't call or follow my instructions. I guess you really didn't want the $250 after all. C'est le guerre...

I’m getting to know ol’ Gabe pretty good, cuz it wasn’t 15 minutes and I had this:

Send me your telephone number

How many times do I have to send you my telephone number? 303-3**-****. For the last time...Listen to message, then leave message telling me why I should send you $250.

I am not understand message here.

(What he’s hearing on that number is four Three Stooges sound bytes I strung together).

I told you to listen to the message and THEN tell me why I should send you $250. That is ALL you have to do. Read this again: THAT IS ALL YOU HAVE TO DO. If you have an iota of understanding above that of a door knob, you will do as I instructed. NOW.

Why you call me a door knob?
Focus, Gabe, focus: do as I instructed, or you lose $250. Timer is running now...
It took an hour after, but FINALLY there is a voice message at the number I told Obi to call; but all it said was the following:

"Uh.....hallooo..." followed by 30 seconds of silence and a disconnect.

Time to make fun of him some(more):

"Uh...hallooo..." is your entire pathetic excuse for me to send you $250? THAT’S IT???? What in the flying fish f**k kind of reason is that???


Hey, Butthead...I listened to your message, and all you said was "uh...halloo"...and NOT ONE WORD MORE. I GUESS YOU DIDN'T LEAVE YOUR MASSAGE VERY WELL. You can try again or not.


Or what, Butthead? Waddaya gonna do, Butthead? Stop acting like a butthead and I’ll stop calling you a butthead. Keep acting like a butthead, and I’ll keep calling you a butthead. BUTTHEAD BUTTHEAD BUTTHEAD. Don’t like it, stop acting like it.
So he calls me again...but again, all I get is a "Hello?" with some background echo, and that’s it.
So I send him this email:

Do you have the slightest idea HOW a phone works, BUTTHEAD???? Yeah, you called the number I told you to, but all you said was "Hello?", and then hung up!!! WHAT THE F**K??? I starting to think you're not serious about getting this money at all at this CAN say more than "Hello", can't you, BUTTHEAD? 303-3**-****, and this time LEAVE ME THE ENTIRE F**KING MESSAGE ABOUT WHY I NEED TO SEND YOU $250, BUTTHEAD!!!

Apparently, Gabe doesn’t want to call and listen to the Three Stooges any more:



 Oh yes, I can read fine. Much better than you can use a telephone apparently. I already sent you the money once, and you screwed the pooch on picking it up. Why should I send it to you again. Don't tell me to re-read hundreds of emails...tell me NOW why I should send you $250. Right here, RIGHT NOW.

Danged if he doesn’t still believe that he can get me to send him $250...


What check?

Check of $28milliom dollars

WHAT $28 million? 
inheritance fund

WHAT inheritance fund? I don't have any Nigerian relatives.

 inheritance compensation from united nations government

There is no such thing as a "United Nations Government". What the f**k is a "United Nations Government"? And how can I inherit money from them? 
from all the bank transactions you have being doing.

I haven't been doing any bank transactions. WHAT bank transactions?

I am get tired of all this. It all explain in email. Read the email.

You’re tired of WHAT? I already told you I’m not going back through hundreds of emails. You must explain your deserving my $250. You MUST EXPLAIN! YOU..MUST..EXPLAIN!!

I finally...FINALLY..succeeded in wearing ol' Gabe down.  And his last email I'll ever get (I think) shows it:

You are prik

Of course I am.  Took you long enough to come to that.  Now, where were we?

It's been three whole days, and not another peep from Gabe.  I think I drained his persistence reservoir.

My bad  ;-)

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Sunday, November 4, 2012

The X Files And Death

Why would I reference The X Files in the title, only to use a photo from the movie Airplane?

That will become evident shortly.

In another one of those well-written (not) email scams I receive so many of, the scammer -- Brenda Vandesie  -- needed, I felt, some creative 'help' with the email.  I've shared with you a short sample, to convince you of this, from the original email:

My beloved.

Greetings in the name of our lord Jesus Christ. I am Mrs Brenda Vandesie from Holland, a widow to late Mark Vandesie I am 69 years old, i am now a new Christian convert, suffering from long time cancer of the breast, from all indication my condition is really deteriorating and it is quite obvious that I won't live more than 2 months, according to my doctors, this is because the cancer stage has gotten to a very worst stage.

My late husband and my only child died last years, his death was politically motivated. My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man who was running his cocoa business in Cote d’Ivoire and after his death; I inherited all his business and wealth. my doctors has advised me that i may not live for more than 2 months, so i now decided to divide the part of this wealth, to contribute to the development of the church in Africa, America, Asia, and Europe. i collected your email address during my desperate search on the internet and i prayed over it.

I decided to donate the sum of $2,500,000.00 usd( Two million five hundred thousand united states dollars) to the less privileged because i cannot take this money to the grave. Please i want you to note that this fund is lodged in a bank in Ivory Coast in West Africa .


Not that it means anything, but Mrs. Brenda Vandesie from Holland, had as her reply email address one with Yahoo Japan inclinations:    Her originally-used email address was

Broad got around, didn’t she?

Well, what could we do for such a well-travelled scamstress as Mrs. Brenda Vandesie? I thought long and hard on that for about a minute, and ran widdis:

Greetings.  I am Mrs Brenda Vandesie from Holland, with a japanese email address.
Yes, I know that seems strange.  Read on and I guarantee it'll get stranger.
I am a widow to a late barn yard yak named Mark Vandesie.  Mark was sold at a 
country fair and butchered to feed prisoners during the Great War.  After that, I
wandered aimlessly through two wars, survived being strafed by a Luftwaffe 
motorcycle when I was once lost in Burma, and managed to avoid being bombed along 
with an entire battalion of Viet Nimrods when they discovered a hootch cache along
the Ho Me Chihn Trail in the 1960s.
It was at this point, I asked my alien handlers to quit subjecting me to LSD 
tests, and just let me live life as a normal yak.  Instead, they got pissy and 
turned me into a human-like-person with bovinal inclinations.
Needless to say, I had a cow over it.  See what I just did there?
Now, because of all the alien gerrymandering of my biological functions, I have 
no f**king idea how old I am, how to pee sitting down, or what it's like to eat 
salad without trying to 'cud' it for 8 hours afterward.
My late husband was a very rich and wealthy business man before aliens turned him 
into a yak that Hungarian prisoners later ate during the Great War.  He ran a 
brothel in Cote d’Ivoire and after his death it was converted to a sex implements 
store; I had inherited all his business and wealth, but having been turned into a 
yak myself, I couldn't make use of it, and all my protests went unherd.
I think that called for a *rimshot*.
My speciological therapist has advised me to stay away from hay bales and not moo 
at passing cars, so I fired that asshole.
I decided to donate what's left of the years of my life to detailing my years as 
an alien guinea yak, so that other alien abductees who have the same beef that I 
do can profit from my story.
Moo thinks that's another *rim shot*.
If you agree to help me, I will give you a fee for getting me on the Oprah Show 
to promote my book, "A Yak's Guide To One F**ked Up Galaxy".
Please contact me in this my private e-mail id  when you get me booked with Oprah.
Your former cosmic yak,
Mrs Brenda Vandesie


This rewrite apparently left poor ol' Brenda speechless.  Not so, one of her colleagues:


i get u 4 this.  kill u see.


This so-called 'threat' -- resembling Twitter tweets from some of the moron nobama supporters, directed at Mitt Romney after the second debate -- had me laughing my ass off.  Apparently 'Don Curry' was just as big a moron.

You might can imagine my response to Curry.

So there you have it...aliens, yaks and Oprah, oh could be the basis for the next Airplane movie...

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Thursday, November 1, 2012

And Kenny Didn't Even Have To Die

I'm pretty sure that most of the scammers I interact with, end up not liking me.

Call it 'instinctive intuition' on my part if you will.  I just know that they don't like me.

Not that I necessarily blame them:  some of them may have put a lot of time, effort and thought into their scam efforts, only to have me minimize and ridicule that hard work and effort.

Not all of them take the time to let me know that they don't like me.  But some do.  Take for example, Mr. Milton Daniel.  He doesn't like me.  He let me know it.  And here's why, starting with his hard-designed scam email:

Western Union Payment Centre has received your application for the release of your daily payment. Be advised that it has been designated that the sum of £10,00000 USD be paid to you daily using Western Union Money Transfer service as approved by the U.N and the IMF till we send you a total of £50,000.00

*** You will be paid £50,000.00 daily till you receive your full amount in total of £50,000,00 ***

As a matter of urgency, in order not to waste more of your time before you start receiving your funds, Please be informed that a Clearance Certificate and your activation fee's for your first transaction must be paid before the Western Union Payment Centre initiates your transaction. And to this effect, our head of transfer department instructed us to stop the first transfer of the first £10,00000 USD, to avoid problems with the international monetary fund ''IMF''. But not to worry much, you will start receiving your daily instalment of £10,00000 after we confirm your payment of £170.00 for your activation fee, and after that your first instalment will be released to you.

The activation of your transaction will be handled by the approved Western Union official below; Approved Western Union Official: Milton Daniel

Now as I noted above, Milton Daniel may well have worked hard on his email scam.  Be that as it may, his hard work, if it was that, sucked.  Bad.  So I, being the sort that I am, undertook to help it out a bit.  Here's how: 

Sent: Tuesday, August 14, 2012 10:25 AM
Subject: Contact Dr. Milton Daniel

Please be informed that I have revolutionized sex change surgery forever! After years of experimentation on jungle monkeys, I have perfected the marriage of the penis and vagina into a single organ that can f**k itself! YES! I call it the Pevina! It eliminates the need for dating...courtship...marriage...just to get laid. Now you can lay yourself, and wherever you are! All the sexual conveniences right there in your shorts!

F**k yourself and forget it made easy. No more 'wham, bam, thank you Ma'am' can do yourself and not worry about having to call yourself tomorrow.

If you want to know more about my splendid sexual surgical revolution -- and it only costs you one time £50,000.00 Fifty Thousand British pound -- please to direct your questions and requests
to Dr. Milton Daniel

Contact Email:

Now that was so much better, wasn't it?  I thought so.

Mr/Dr. Milton Daniel apparently did not.  And I didn't need the gift of a psychic to know it.  For a few hours after I dispatched this wonderful edit to him and a couple dozen of his peers, he responded thus:

Sent from my Nokia phone

He doesn't like me.  And I didn't even have to kill Kenny to rate that.

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