Saturday, May 19, 2012

Pet Rock Meets A Photo Shapeshifter

My pet rock's email account is suddenly WAY more interesting than mine of late.

About 10 days ago, Seymour received an email from a person identifying herself as Ms. Esther Warlord.  Yeah, the name caught my attention as well.

Read her opening gambit, and you'll see why this was simply not the run-of-the-mill scam letter:

Hello Dear
I am Esther, i just read through your profile now and i was deeply moved. I think that you are a very interesting person. So I decided to use the chance to get to know you. I do not think that the age appearance is so important. The most important is what is inside you and how do you feel about the life. I know this life from many sides and we rather feel nature to teases love together with a strong emotional super mutual love. I think we should use every chance to be friends by any means, then contact me to my private email ( for easy communication so that I will send you my pictures and more details about me, I still hope for your reply, have a pleasant warm moment of love with a stone kiss,
Yours new love

Since my pet rock is still out of town visiting family (mine, not his), it was left to me to answer for him.  I kept it simple:

Dear Esther Warwagon, you got me at "stone kiss".  Please do send me your photo and tell me more about what it is about my profile that you found so moving.  Fiber usually does it to me.

It took her/him/it a couple days to reply, but when she/he/it did, the reply was as incongruous as the photo she/he/it attached:

My Beloved,
I am very happy to read your urgent reply to my mail. How was your day?mine was cool over here in  Burkina-Faso.
My name is Esther Warlord Coulibaly single from Ivory Coast  in west Africa and presently i am residing in the refugee camp here in BurkinaFaso as a result of the civil war going on in my country.

She/he/it goes on to drivel about the deplorable conditions in the country and refugee camp, how her father was a man of means before he was assassinated, how he left her money in an account that she can't access herself (allegedly $9.7 million USD), about her Reverend in the camp, the only person she trusts, yada yada yada...then we get to this:

I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me.So in the light of above i will like you to keep it to  yourself and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it.Remember i am giving you all this information due to the trust i deposed on you.I like honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking. Meanwhile i will like you to call me like i said i have alot to tell you.
Have a nice day and think about me.
Awaiting to hear from you soonest,attached here is my Photo

Yours in Love

And the "attached here is my Photo" is the one at the top right.

I guess you can tell it's a 'refugee camp' because the bench is in desperate need of paint, eh?  Though, she does look a bit undernourished, at that.

Anyway, my reply:

My goodness, Esther Wargames, your tale of woe is deeply compelling to me.  As is the photo you've sent me.  I simply CANNOT refuse you, my dear.  What can I do and how best can I do it?  I am completely at your disposal.  And please, send me more photos.

She/he/it apparently read only what they wanted to read, and therein read that I was pliable to her/his/its request.  So came this key reply a day later, with another photo:

God will bless and reward you for every effort you are about to make to see me out from this horrible prison called refugee camp where i am living today as a result of  the untimely death of my parents(may their gentle souls rest in peace)I have just received your email with lot,‏s of excitement ,  because since when I sent the long letter to you my heart has been over occupied with thoughts and fear if my situation will touch your heart to come for my rescue. I am glad now that I saw your email. Firstly I am emailing you from the office of the Rev.pastor Victor (Christ for all Churches), I told the Rev.Pastor Victor about my communication with you and he permitted me t,o access my email in his office, Please you can call me with the office telephone number of the Rev Pastor (+226-751-756-28) and ask of Miss Esther Ibrahim that stays in the female hostel.

Bellow is the contact information of the bank here in Burkina Faso where the money was deposited by my late father,I will like you to contact them for the procedure of the transfer into your account.

MR Bernard DUKE
TELEPHONE NUMBER  +226-771-112-56
FAX  NUMBER         +226-703-192-13
EMAIL : (           

Wow.  She went from Esther Warlord, to Esther Warlord Coulibaly, to Esther Ibrahim.  And she went from a petite white waif, to the photo h'yar.

I gots me a identity-crisised, raciological shapeshifter.

In keeping with Seymour's 'short' replies, I made no obvious note of the differences in names and photos, but just continued to play up her/his/its deplorable conditions:

Dang, Esther Warlock, I am truly honored for that you so wish to give me the business that you do.  Trust me when I say to you that I will not just live up to your anticipations, I will exceed them beyond your ability to grasp.  With that pledge in mind, I have all the necessary information ready for your bank down there, to work with my bank up h'yar.

Her/his/its 'bank' was quick to respond to me with one of those luverly online applications that a monkey could throw together.  And I was just as quick to reply to it, using bank information I had received from another scammer, about a month ago:

TELEPHONE NUMBER: +226-771-112-56
FAX  NUMBER:+226-703-192-13
SUBJECT: APPLYING AS TRUSTEE TO ESTHER WARLORD IBRAHIM COULIBALY (well whaddaya know, they tied all the names quaint).
I apply to your bank as the trustee to Miss. Esther Warlord Ibrahim who is the next of kin to your deceased customer Mr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly, from Ivrory Coast , holder of account number, 0165910885 putting claim over his balance with your bank valued at Nine Million Saven Hundred Thousand Dollars Only ($9.7M). Sir, I wish to be intimated on the procedures involved in having this fund transfer into my account:

1.  Full Name           Seymour Petrock
2.  Sex                      every chance I get
3.  Age.....................................................
4.  Country                 USA
5.  Marital status         single
6.  Occupation            geologist
7.  Bank Name           Bank of America
8. Bank Address         9308 Forest Lane,  Dallas TX 75243
9.  Bank account Number   488030345645
10. Personal mobile number   303-582-5440
Since his sudden death on Thursday 28 April 2011 , I wish an urgent attention should be given to my humble application as the urgency implies on this matter.
And there the matter lay, until Part II.

Labels: , ,


Blogger Shrinky said...

OMG, I think this is the funniest one yet - I do so love how you line 'em up for the kill, Skunk - can't wait to see what happens in part two!

19 May, 2012 02:44  
Blogger Sandee said...

Does Seymour know about any of this? He just might take a liking to the blonde. I'm just saying.

Can't wait for part II. I'm sure it's filled with lots of cussing and such.

Have a terrific day. My best to Seymour. :)

19 May, 2012 19:39  
Blogger Right Truth said...

This is one of the best ones you've had lately. Remember "God will bless and reward you for every effort", ha

Right Truth

20 May, 2012 20:51  

Post a Comment

<< Home