A Pet Rock Meets A Photo Shapeshifter -- II

Seymour is really pissed that he missed out on this.

I -- fulfilling the role of Seymour Petrock -- had sent my 'application' to Esther Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly's bank, and was gratified to receive same-day service from the Bank of Africa branch in Burkina Faso.  Wherein they insisted on receiving from me the following: 

FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT

Unity-Progress-Justice  OUAGADOUGOU  TEL: +226-77111256                
FAX: +226- 50 30 88 14Email : infodesk@boaburkina-faso.net   

                       For Your Kind Attention  Mr. Seymour Petrock

I have been directed by the director of Foreign Operation/Wire Transfer to write you in respect to your mail we received  today. 

Actually,we have earlier been told about you by the young lady Miss Esther Ibrahim Coulibaly that she wishes you to be her trustee/representative for the claim of her late father's deposit with our bank.  Late Dr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly is our late customer with substantial amount (US$ 9,700,000.00) of deposit with us.
 
Hence you have been really appointed as a trustee to represent the next of Kin.However before our bank will transact any business concerning the transfer of the fund with you , we will like you to send the followings:
 
1.A power of attorney permitting you to claim and transfer the funds to your bank account on her behalf.This document must be endorsed by a Burkina Faso resident lawyer which she can help you to get one.

2.The original copy of death certificate of late Dr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly (Her deceased father)confirming the death.
 
3.The original copy of statement of account issued to Dr Warlord Ibrahim Coulibaly by this bank.

Note that the above are compulsory, and are needed to protect our interest and yours
(the next of kin) after the claims. These shall also ensure that a smooth, quick and successful transfer of the fund is made.

Of course, neither I nor Seymour have any of these documents.  Which I am quick to tell Ms Warlurch in a quick "oh my, how am I to obtain these documents?"

That night, I am gratified to receive two of the three necessary documents from Ms Warthog (one of which is pictured above).  But only two out of three.  And it is therein that we get to the 'rat killing' of the scam, as Ms Warbutt now reveals:

My Beloved Seymour Petrock ,
Much thanks for your mail, I appreciate reading from you from you and I am very happy to read from you today, how I wish I can be able to have the opportunity to have the access to have a computer of my own where you can be maling me any time any day and also I can be able to reply you as well until i come over there,Because I love reading from you,
I appreciated the way you are handling this transfer of my money to your position pending my arrival to meet with you to start a new life. I am suffering here in this prison called refugee camp and i believe with you i can start a new life in your country after the transfer of my money to your account.
Dear, I can see what the bank is demanding before they will transfer my money to your position .Presently i have my Late Father Death Certificate and Statement of account with me here which i have attached to this mail.The only problem we have now is the Power of Attorney which the bank said that it will be issued  by a lawyer here in Burkina Faso  for me to sign my signature on it.
After reading your mail i discussed it with Rev and he gave me the contact of this lawyer Barrister Kemas Alif.He is one of the lawyers working with the united nations here in Burkina Faso,i have contacted him to get us the power of attorney the bank requested, He told me to come over to his office tomorrow with his consultation fee of $220.
therefore I will appreciate if you can assist me with the lawyer's consultation fee of $220 so that i will pay him to enable him proceed and get us the power of attorney from the high court so that the bank will transfer the money to your position.

My reply was probably all that she could hope for: 

$220?  I won't have that until I get paid in two days time.  Will that be okay?  I promise you that as soon as I get off work, I will rush with winged feet to my bank, and onto Western Union for you.  I so love doing things like this. 

My next step was to see what Burkina Faso uses for money, other than wildebeest nose rings.  What they use are West African CFA francs, apparently loosely based on frog money.  And with the exchange rate what it is -- one US dollar is worth 516 WA francs -- I reckoned that my scammers were counting on me to send them the equivalent of 113,520 francs, in USD.

*TOING* 

So I went online and found me a 10,000 franc note of West African design...and just waited for the right time and place to do my thang.

Since Esther and her/his/its handlers required the equivalent of 113,520 West African francs, I went ahead and attached twelve of these to the key mail:

Dear Esther,

Expedience to ease your personal situation required me to look for the most soonest way to send you the $220 for the legal document fee.

So first, I looked to see how much $220 in USD buys in your nation's currency.  And it was quite a bit.

Now, I could have sent you the $220 via Western Union, but that costs money.  And perhaps with all the fraud out there, it might not have gotten to your bannister.  And I simply could not let someone cheat you out of your great opportunity.

So I decided to send you 120,000 West African francs, which is actually MORE than the required $220 USD.  And it's in your nation's currency, for said expedience.

All you need to do is have these attachments printed off on a good quality color printer, and give them to your bannister.  Document paid for, I forward all documents to the bank, your money is transferred, and you get to come here and live in perpetual bliss.

Don't worry that what I'm suggesting here is considered counterfeiting; lots of places in the Third World do it all the time.  No one's arrested North Korea yet.

I am so happy that I have been able to help you at your time in need, Esther.  Is there anything else I can do for you?

After all I did -- under the guise of Seymour, my pet rock -- Esther's expressions of affection and thanks became strained; the bank apparently wasn't as forgiving:

If you really want to help me and not mocking at my situation, Please go and send the money through Western Union so that i will withdraw it and pay the lawyer consultation fee. Please, i believe that you are matured enough to know that there is no way you will print money out from computer and give to someone. The bank will not  even respond to your mail because they will reason that you are joking with them

Please my dear, I am pleading you to help and send the money through western union so that i will pay the lawyer to enable him get us the required power of attorney which will empower the bank to transfer my inheritance money to you.

I love you so much and i want to be with you in order to continue my education there.

My unmockingly mature response was calculated to ease the concerns of both Esther and the bank:

What?  The bank thought I was kidding? 

I want you to know that those were quality West African francs I went to find.  I send you more than enough to get the documents.  I'll even show the bank my good faith by sending them the two documents you gave me, which they will find attached.

I checked on the legality of the bank printing those notes and was advised that printing money is perfectly okay from no less than the head of the USA Federal Reserve, Tim Geithner.  He and Ben Bernanke swear by it. 

And Esther, I also would love to see you get educated here, and that's why I'm taking this time and effort to help you get an education.  I think my time and effort are worth it.

So Bank, it's okay.  Let's get this done.  Esther needs help NOW.  You, Bank, are holding up the completion here.

The bank chose to sit in the corner, pouting, like Cartman from South Park when he's in one of his "screw you guys, I'm going home" modes.  But Esther apparently still had some modicum of hope, possibly hanging off the hair on her upper lip:

Seymour I do not understand you like this.  You say you help me but you instead make jest of me.  Do you intend I get arrested by printing that money illegal?  Please stop this game and tell me you will help.

I guess 'Seymour' needs to clarify a tad more:

Esther Waratrocity, since you already suffer from advanced arrested development, I thought that I should offer you the chance for the rest of you to catch up.  Print and use those notes I sent you and I promise that you will catch up.  See?  I do want to help.  Arrested development is so useless, unproductive and totally unkewl, unless the rest of you gets arrested too. 

So how can you read that and think to yourself, "he jests me"?  I should be hurt by that thought of yours.  And at some point, I will be...I've tentatively pencilled in February 30, 2042, 11am Burkina Faso time, to properly observe a few seconds of remorse.  If you remember, write to me a day before that date, so I can remind myself.  There's a good lass.  Now run along and get your arrested development balanced.  

At first, I thought my reply was a bit too cheeky, and would only result in Esther Warhorse's forever after silence in my pet rock's direction. 

How wrong I wasn't  ;-)

*Note to my pet rock Seymour:  there's a scammer in the Third World who doesn't like you any more*