Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Of Revelations And Gods

Somehow, this 'card' just seemed appropriate for this post.  Especially in the eyes of the scammer.

I received the following email from a scammer the other day, one that was supposed to tug on my heart strings and open my gullible benevolence.  It was a request from an Emily Brocksopp, asking for my help in starting an orphanage in her name her.  It rambled on for several paragraphs, but this is the gist of it:

Note: This project is 100% genuine and risk free. You should also know that your help would be further needed to help the less privilege and orphans. In setting up an Orphanage Home in favor of my name there in your country, my attorney will guide you through the process. Your suggestions are very much welcomed in this project and I am very impressed by the manner with which you have written to me.

The "manner" I rewrote her original email -- and sent her a copy of, of course -- went something like this, to give you an idea of the degree of full of sh** the scammer is:

From: Mrs. Emily L. Brocksoop <ebrocksopp@gmail.com>
Sent: Wednesday, April 4, 2012 6:10 AM
Subject: Help For The Less Privilege
Dear Friend,

Please pay no attention to the email title here.  Because I don't give a rat f**k about the less privileged in this world.  F**k them.  If they're too f**king lazy to get off their fat asses and get jobs, then they deserve to be less privileged and live in their own self-imposed misery.
I am so f**king SICK of needy people who stick out their f**king hands for "gimme" giveaways, instead of sticking out their f**king hands to do something that provides a steady, stable, LEGAL income, and gives them a sense of purpose and self-respect.
So you can see how well she/he/it paid attention to the rewrite.  Which gets me the first part of this post. 
So I decided to let her know what was coming next.  Oh yes, I did that:
Dear Muttonhaid,
Thank you for replying to my reply.  Or rather, thank you for not reading my reply to your original email.
Had you bothered to carefully read my response to your original email, you would have seen that (a) I rewrote your original email (b) I sent it not only to you, but to about 20+ of your colleagues and peers and (c) I made you look like a complete f**king moronic mugu.
That you didn't grasp that -- by your sending me this follow up -- amuses me to no end.
Very well.  I will not waste the opportunity you've afforded me here.  I will tell you now that I am going to rewrite what you just sent me.  And make it sound as stupid and demeaning to you as is humanly possible.  And send it out not only to you and dozens of your peers and colleagues, but post in on a blog that highlights scam emails like yours, and what I like to do to those emails.  The internet world will know just how stupid you are, and how much moreso I'm going to make you look.
Trust me, it'll be fun.
Which I proceeded to do, with (dis)gusto, as a few paragraph example will pretty much reveal:
My Goodness,
Thanks for your massage.  i wisht i had intelijant enuff to reads it, but i is dumber than a termite-infested tree stump, and i needs a edjewkatid persum frum webcite Stoopud Peeple Who Sodomeyes Goats.com 2 transloot it 4 me 2 reeds.
I telld you I am going to take a life meerkat and place it in my twat to see if i can has organism.  It gived me hickees in there, butt know organism.  Pissphuck.  i wuz shure it werk, cuz onlime witch docter in Nigerium  sez "omm lacka banga walla bunga wunga boooya", witch iz like a promice of sucksess wen u stik a mirrerkat in genial hole.
Momphuckah lied, i tink.
U lick how i writ, yes?  i leernd gud frum old man who wuz a women untiled she piss awf which dockdor an' he sez "mooga booga nobama phulla crap, binga banga walla walla dunga, u now gotz dick", an now she/he a tribble outcast who make living duing pervort things to animul butts.  i tink she/he du me wunce 2 butt i doesnt knot remembur.
i kneed u to help me ondo this wat whichdocktor do me, as I have encrusted in my virginul aruh an i knead u help in this 2 fix, yes?
Wun ting, u mousd keep ur nowladge and invalvmint in projuct to yuself only till all needful pocedours is meat by u. 2 beegam this, cent me yur Fool names, a Fool dress, date of bornd, Telldfon, Fux numbor, Occutardashun and any farm of IUD.
As is normal, I sent that back to 'Emily', along with a couple dozen of her peers.  This time, someone on Emily's end bothered to, at least, try to read what I dun:
what is mean of this please?  I am write u with serious offer and u are make jest of me?  Are u not a nice mans i think and god not look on peoples like u very good.
'Emily' probably has a point:  she tried to use an orphanage as the heart string tugger for her scam, and "god not look on peoples like me very good", because I didn't fall for it, and had "jest" with her.
Well, long as my ticket to Hell is punched, according to 'Emily', let's see about upgrading my seat on the train:
You know, 'Emily' -- or whomever you are -- you have a point.  Your 'god' probably doesn't look too good on peoples who make jest of those who try to scam by using fronts like an orphanage.  I can live with that.
My God, on the other hand, can kick your god's sorry, pathetic, piece of crap's ass.
And with that, 'Emily' -- or her handlers -- apparently wanted no more repartee comparing gods.

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Blogger Andy said...

Skunks, I'm glad you posted this. I was just about to start setting up an orphanage in Emily's name.


Who knew?

01 May, 2012 03:47  
Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahaha, I love this one the very best. The very best!

Have a terrific day. :)

01 May, 2012 11:11  
Blogger Shrinky said...

Shame on you, Skunk, how could you let this dear, poor Emily down..? Turn over your entire wallet right this minute - it's the very least you can do.

Incidentally, Mrs. Brocksoop has given me power of attorney (since she met with that unfortunate prosecut-, er, accident), and requests all said monies be paid directly to me upon her behalf.

Yours, impatiently waiting, Shrinky.

01 May, 2012 12:29  
Blogger Right Truth said...

"This project is 100% genuine and risk free." I'm always a little concerned when the email starts out this way, hee hee

I love this:

"Thanks for your massage. i wisht i had intelijant enuff to reads it, but i is dumber than a termite-infested tree stump, and i needs a edjewkatid persum frum webcite Stoopud Peeple Who Sodomeyes Goats.com 2 transloot it 4 me 2 reeds."

Right Truth

01 May, 2012 18:32  

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