Friday, May 25, 2012

Goin' On A Sea Screw

My pet rock is lately the more popular among the two of us.  Not really surprising to those who know me.

And of late, Seymour's stock is apparently rising with email scammers, too.

Seymour just received -- are you ready for this -- a job offer.  Here 'tis in its own woids:

Head Office: Seabourn Yacht Hotel 5 Gains-ford Street, SE1 2NE,
London, United Kingdom

Attention :,
Your Resume has been selected for our new Hotel that has just been
completed over here in United Kingdom. The Company selected 78
candidates list in various different department over here in United
Kingdom, It is our pleasure to inform you that your Name was selected
as one of the 78 candidates shortlisted for the interview; The Company
is recruiting candidates for our new Hotel in United Kingdom. You will
be pleased to know that out of the 78 candidates selected 65
candidates will be giving appointment, meaning that your Application
can progress to final stage. You are to send your CV to this office as
soon as possible so that we can start processing your Appointment.
Contact Email:

Fill the Form Below:
1. FULL NAMES: _____________
2. ADDRESS: _______________
3. SEX/AGE: _______________
4. MARITAL STATUS: __________
5. OCCUPATION: _____________
7. AMOUNT WON: ______________
8. COUNTRY________________
Best regards,
Captain Smith.

Besides the fact that I never knew that Seymour had posted an online job resume, apparently the same people who are bringing out this 'Land Titanic' offer must have brought others an online lotto previously, if you note #7 and its non sequitur appearance in this presentation.

Eh...details.  Seymour always chides me about seeing the 'negative' in these emails.

Since Seymour is still idling in idyllic Loveland, Colorado, I took it upon myself to respond to "Captain Smith" on Seymour's behalf.

"OMG...this won't be good!!!"

You're probably right, Seymour.  I rewrote Captain Smith's kind offer in a way perhaps befitting of something that has too many parallels to an infamous incident of over 100 years ago.  Of course, I took pains to share the 'edit' with Captain Smith and 24 of his peers and colleagues.  One of whom was not amused. 

First, the edit:

Head Office: SeaCow Yacht Project 5 Gains-ford Street, SE1 2NE,
London, United Kingdom

Arrrrrrrrrrrr, Mateys:

Your application has been selected for our new replication yacht-looking-thing that has just been completed over here in United Kingdom, with funding from that incredibly deep pocketed country of Nigeria. The Company selected 700 candidates list in various different locations, from Afghanistan to Zimbabwe.  It is our pleasure to inform you that we sincerely believe you to be gullible enough to believe that your Name was selected as one of the 700 candidates shortlisted for the interview.

We plan to have a crew ready to sacrifice to sail on the ebb tide for to replicate one of the following epics in history, and we want your sorry ass aboard when we do:
 1.  RMS Titanic
2.  RMS Lusitania
3.  RMS Athenia
4.  Air America
5.  Bill Clinton going down on SS Monica Lewinsky
6.  Solyndra
7.  The SS 2012 Nobama Budget
8.  The SS Facebook IPO Offering
The Company eagerly seeks to replicate the sailing of -- and classic results therefrom -- at least one of those aforementioned during the late fall/early winter of 2012, and include an 'party to end all parties' party to celebrate the end of times heralded by the Mayan calendar, on or about December 21, 2012.  We intend to go out with one big motherf**king BANG, and we are offering you the chance to be a part of it.
And at one helluva hiring package:
All postions will pay $175/hour at sea;
Medical, dental, vision and swimming lessons fully paid for;
120 days paid survivors leave* once the voyage does what most of the above did or are in the process of doing (aka, sinks)
A $100,000 advance on the book we'll help you write about your experiences*
A 401k plan administered by Jerry Brown***
A stylish funeral plot/tombstone**
You are to send your application below to this office as soon as possible so that we can start processing your Appointment.
Contact Email:

*  assuming you survive...
**  in case you don't...
***  which will be in the crapper ABOUT THE TIME or BEFORE you are...

'Captain Smith' didn't bother to respond to my take on his 'application'.  Arrrrrrrrr.  But an unamused recipient (and previous scammer) -- Davillas Andreas -- couldn't resist making a response:

you realy not so funny as you image you is.  and why you send to me this?  stop.

A question usually begs a reply, and I hate to disappoint:

Actually, with three concussions I image lots of funny things.  And I persist in send you this because you wrote to me first.  No stop.  Snicker laugh titter ROAR.

Needless to say, Seymour didn't get hired.


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Blogger Sandee said...

Bwahahahahahaha. I just want to read Seynmour's resume. Just saying.

Have a terrific day and weekend. My best to my buddy Seymour. :)

25 May, 2012 08:05  
Blogger Shrinky said...

Oh, he got my job offer, then?

Actually, all jesting aside, my lil' sis' lives in Andreas, just at the top of our isle (where it's rumoured the folk up there are a wee bit strange)..

25 May, 2012 12:53  
Blogger Right Truth said...

The one thing that seems almost consistent in your scam endeavors is that, in the end, most are begging you to leave them alone. ha I think that is great. You outwit them and they beg for mercy.

Right Truth

25 May, 2012 20:43  

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