Thursday, January 19, 2012

Tofu is Evil

This is all because my pet rock, Seymour, had to pontificate on the substandard accomplishments of the Roman Empire, when it came to pizza restaurant chains. And how one tofu-loving cousin reacted to it.

Now we're in mortal danger.

After reading an excerpt of Seymour's rant about how the Roman Empire could not have been such a big thang, what with their total lack of pizza restaurant creation, a cousin of mine decided to go one step beyond, and throw tofu and anchovies on a pizza.

Isn't mixing tofu and anchovies kinda like having PETA costar on Roland Martin's bass fishing show? I rather thought so.

But there was, apparently, some chemical reaction to combining tofu, anchovies, mozarella cheese and tomato sauce. Once it manifested, the pizza took the combination and went....zombie. And now we gots problems.

Reports of pizzas 'free' if not delivered within 30 minutes, were misreported by militant pies on the ZPNN* as "liberated pizzas running free". Especially those laden with the trigger ingredients, tofu and anchovies.

A wilding, stampeding herd of 'flash mob' pizzas were illicitly born, fueled by some zombification process that was chemically triggered by the very unfortunate combining of tofu with anchovies and tomato sauce.

Survivors at one southwest Denver suburban intersection reported being blocked and pelted with anchovy and tofu bits, whilst being verbally taunted by the 'flash mob' of wilding pizzas. One survivor swore he heard the raging pies chanting, "I've got your pizza pizza...BITE ME!", in a credible imitation of the late comedian Paul Lynde's voice, through the veritable blizzard of flying anchovy and tofu bits. Another swore that she heard an almost Soprano-esque voice proclaiming " 'Ey....youse ordered dis? Youse want somma dis? Fuggetaboudit!!!"

Local officials are nonplussed.

Since Seymour made hisself unavailable for comment, wanting no part of the blame for having started this mess..("Did NOT!")..this blogger tried contacting several reputable pizza delivery chains, to ascertain if any of them were responsible for combining tofu with anchovies on their pizzas, perhaps contributing to this sudden onslaught of pack herd wilding and zombified pizzas. A typical telephonic inquiry went like this:

Papa Murphys: How can we help you?

Me: I'm inquiring as to whether or not you folks offer a tofu-anchovy pizza, and if you realize that you've created a pie that chemically goes zombie, runs in malevolent packs, and is now attacking drivers and pedestrians in assorted metro Denver neighborhoods?

Papa Murphys: *said to someone in background* "another crackpot", followed by a *click*

The response was the same at every pizza chain this blogger tried to contact. Except Dominos. There, the voice laughed in an eerie, nostalgic manner, before hanging up on me.

I swore it sounded like the Noid, with a mouthful of tofu.

An hour later, a strange 'knocking' at my door -- which I didn't respond to -- was followed by a sound not dissimilar to a wind-blown, pounding summer rain which lasted for 15 seconds or so. And then, an ominous silence. Armed with a shotgun loaded with anti-zombie rounds, I cautiously opened the door.

The outside of it had been 'flash mob' tofu-ed.

If this happens to you, it's my pet rock's fault.

"Is NOT!!!"

* Zombie Pizza News Network...cable and satellite have a little too much bandwidth on their hands...

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

u write stuped shit quite alredy

21 January, 2012 18:19  
Blogger Serena said...

Tofu IS evil, and I'm not convinced it's not responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong throughout history. And it probably causes zombies, too.;)

21 January, 2012 20:57  
Anonymous Post Cycle Therapy said...

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15 March, 2012 02:46  

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