Thursday, July 24, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress Part IX

Now I went and did it: the lieyar is pissed. His 'clint' is pissed. I should stop acting "like childrun".

It's been 49 years yesterday (which would be digressing to discuss), and no one else has yet succeeded in getting me to act my age, whatever I confess it to be. But they don't need to know that.

Yet somehow this time, I feel bad. Sorta.

I must feel thus (or at least fake it), because this is (probably) the grand finale to Mary Walker's "last hope in life". At least as far as Dr. U. R. Phulovit goes. Which probably explains my most contrite, sincerely insincere tone (to both the lieyar and 'clint'):

Ma'am and Bannister:

You have suggested much in your astonishingly harsh, almost literate replies. Including the presumption that I should be ashamed of my insincerity.

You know what? You're right.

I have been insincere. Totally. Being insincere with persons such as you is so totally called-for, but that's beside the point. I was insincere. On this, you are right. I have no excuse, save for your own monumental insincerity, which is no excuse for me to be insincere, though it did figure hugely in my own insincerity, excuseability aside.

It was rude and most untoward of me to turn your game around on you. I should have borne my victimization with aplomb and dignity. After all, it was Ma'am's "last hope in life" that I failed by pinning the mugu badge on you, instead of proudly wearing it myself. Persons of a liberal/progressive ideology would call this very 'mean-spirited' of me. I do genuinely hate when that happens, though not really. Oops, more of that insincerity of mine. My bad. But not really.

Dagnabbit, there I go again.

See how easily I can be insincere? Just consider it a character flaw, one I have spent my life working hard to hone to a fine edge. Looks like I'm making noteworthy progress.

What's more to the other point, I was insulting. Demeaning. I committed the parrot sin: I made jest of you. That's an integral, necessary part of this insincerity, which underlines and highlights the insincerity.

I should apologize and be ashamed. I really should. So let me start my apology by saying with all the sincerity this entire episode has had a dearth of, I'm sorry that you're dishonest morons. I'm sure it isn't your fault. You can't help it. And I'm sorry you two have all the insincere intentions of the contents of an outhouse pit. It stinks to be that insincere. But and again, I know you can't help it. It's the way you are. And I should have accepted you as you were.

I did, but I digress.

As for my feeling ashamed of myself, you're right. I should. And I will. I have it penciled in on my day planner for the first Monday in June, 2023. Should I forget by then, you can pencil in to send me a reminder email. Or whatever mode is in vogue at that point in time; text message, perhaps. If we've regressed due to some global warming crap actually proving true, I guess it'll have to be drums, because smoke signals is so global-warming-perpetuating, or so it's thunk. Either way, I won't know how to read them, so you'll have to send me the message with an audio or visual translator.

Finally, may I close this sincerely insincere unapology by answering with specificity, two comments of yours: Mr. Bannister Sh** Morgan, regarding your demand for the $1,500 fee: no. You can have a porcupine enema on me, but not the money. Sue me if you like. I'll be a character witness for you. You have my deposition herein as evidence. Print it, fold it lengthwise, and shove it up your ass sideways, when filing it with the court.

Mrs. Mary Walker, Muguette: you still don't get my telephone number, you goat-smelling egg-sucking case of dysenteric flatulence. But you finally do get something positive out of this, for I mean that last in all genuine sincerity. Really. Honest.

Most genuinely and sincerely (you'll have to take my word for that),

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

I am disappointed to report that with this genuinely sincere reply, no further acknowledgement was forthcoming.

But not really.

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress Part VIII

I love being cooperative and expedient. Especially with these folks.

Luxuriating over the extreme annoyance of my intended victimizers is like savoring a good cup of java after a nice dinner, when the scam begins to implode and the scammers become the suckers. And they find they don't like it.

When I left off, the good (for laughs) Mary Walker and her 'attority' Smit 'Sh**' Morgan, were expecting to hear from the equally good Dr. U. R. Phulovit, as he 'travels' to NYC for meetings. From there, the good Dr. was expected to send Mrs. Walker a photo (in the previous installment), and the good bannister a Western Union wire transfer of $1,500 US Dollars, for services to be rendered to give the good Dr. the business.

I received this from Mrs. Walker, allegedly during the transit of Dr. Phulovit to the USA:

Dr. Dr Phulovit

thanks for your message, they content well understood i will like to no from you ehen are ou leaving to usa and when are you returning back for the complation of this business. pleased as you have said you will send me your piture while you are in state which piture you mean.

Regarding the sugestion my attority brought as per opening account in spain what is your own point of view on that regards.

please as you said before that you do not want delay i my self i dot need delay to. as i all way told you this fund in spain is my last hope in life. allway remember the confidentialit of this transaction.

A perfect blend of typos and gibberish, an oblivious gift that Mary Walker abuses well. And one I responded to by simply sending her the photo (see Part VII) and a "we'll attempt to converse and well comprehend the contents soon".

Meantime, having prepared an adequate-looking Western Union receipt (see above) for Bannister Sh** Morgan and his gay associate, I waited until late Monday, January 23, to dispatch it, so that he (or his gay associate) could go to the Lagos, Nigerian WU office and (attempt unsuccessfully to) cash it.

It didn't take them long to try, apparently. Witness the response I had awaiting me very early Wednesday morning (Lagos is about 8 hours ahead of moi):

ATTEN: D. U. R. Phulovit

SIR (I guess they love caps when they're pissed):




I guess he told But you gotta give him credit: he still thinks I'm going to send him $1,500 US Dollars, after making 'jest' of him.

And within an hour of receiving the bannister's diatribe, I get the following from herself:

Dr. Uranus (guess we're on a first name basis when SHE'S PISSED):

i got your mesage the content well understood as amatter of fact the way you sounded you are not serious the piture you send to me doesnt not resemble the piture you send to me on your passport meanwhile while should you hold your passport at hand.

my attority say you not send money but say you do. but who tell you to send momey to attorney (geeawd, she finally spelled it RIGHT) i told you allready that the barrier promoise to get is legal fees after complation of is job. that money in spain is okay for me.

He does not need your money as at now. you hide your phone but give me you piture.

I guess she told, too. Just what she told me, I can't say: her contents aren't so well understood.

Oh well.

Last up, Part IX: The Good Dr. U. R. Phulovit's Reply and Epilogue

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress Part VII

Regarding my previously expressed concerns about the literacy of Bannister Sh** Morgan, Esq, let's call it asked and answered:

ATTEN: Dr. U. R. Phulovit


Thanks for your mail, the content well comprehensive (snicker, laugh, titter, ROAR). Please when are you going to USA and how long will you be there? I guees you can have access to telephone and e-mail there to keep in good contact on every development (yeah, it's rumored they have such there).

As it stand I think you are leaving to USA in a couple days and we cannot complete the due proccess of the documentation with the bank within this short time for your going to Spain, as such we shall complete all the documentations in your favour legally as teh next beneficiary for the transfer of the fund, which will require your physical present in Spain to open an account for the final remittance of the fund when you comes back (yeah, right, you schmuck).

Regards the legal fess and services, which will enhance my capability to proccess all the needed documents with the bank in your favour as the next beneficiary of the fund, I hereby advice that you send the sum of $1,500 (TOING!) on the name of one of my lawyer in the chamber. Barrister Samuel Ossom. Who will go to the Western union post to collect the money. Send the money by Western union money transfer, eg:

Name of receiver -- Barrister Samuel Ossom
Address -- Number 27 Bishope Avenue, Ilupeju Lagos
Secret Question -- What purpose
Answer -- Services

As soon as you send the money, do append payment information or the western union receipt by scan e-mail attachment to me, if possible you can call me on my phoen number as above you'rs for service,

Smit Morgan, Esq.

Now it's time to let him think he's set the hook and will shortly be reeling in the mugu/sucker:

Sh**: it is good you have provided me the fee amount needed and your recommended manure of fee delivery. I can attend to it during the travel phase of my trip. Yes, I will have access to email while in the USA -- I understand they have it there -- and my employer will be forwarding necessary information to me there for my business meetings. This is an important and busy time for my company, the International Crustacean Obedience Training Institute; our products and services are in high demand at this time, especially for commercials during the NFL Super Bowl. Anheiser-Busch Breweries are regular clients for our beer-stealing, trained lobsters and crabs. A tough job, but so gratifying with the results.

I am unable to send to your gay associate the fee via Western Union today; the local office here in Vaduz was unexpectedly buried in an avalanche from the very heavy snows we received recently. What a mess; most inopportune. However, there are WU offices in the USA. I am scheduled to be arriving in New York City on Saturday, January 21; I am sure I can find a WU office there, and send the fee thence.

You may rest assured, Bannister, that your efforts to give me this business on behalf of your client will soon achieve just conclusion. I must go now, as I leave shortly for Zurich, and one of our trained lobsters is trying to steal one of my bags. It is difficult business, this obedience training. Sometimes, a threat of cooking is needed. Tough love; you understand, I'm sure.

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

The photo above is Dr. Phulovit (aka, the late Pat Paulsen) meeting with a dignitary in NYC, a photo I promised to Mrs. Mary Walker.

Next up: Part VIII -- The Western Union Response and...

Monday, July 21, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress Part VI

After reading the first contact email from Madam Walker's lieyar, I'll bet Ted Kennedy would support this wad for the US Supreme Court. He's definitely not "overly pro-law enforcement" -- whatever Mr. Chappaquiddick means by that, but I digress.

At any rate, the 'lieyar' (Mrs. Walker's term/typo) has joined the fun. Witness the following email from His 'Onor, Barrister Smit Morgan, Esq:

Smit Morgan & Associates, Legal Practitioners & Notary Public (in case you need one, I have the address for you)

ATTEN: Dr. U. R. Phulovit


I am Barrister Smit Morgan from the above named chamber, I am contacting you now on behalf of my client Mrs Mary Walker, a Nigerian National. She confidentialy seek my legal services (as well as, it would seem, your grammatical ones) and cover over her intending financial transaction and business partnership with you.

I am pleased to inform you that I have been discussing with the bank in Spain that Mrs. Mary Walker lodged her funds for safe keeping. My discussion as instructed by Mrs. Walker is for the legal transfer of the fund to you and your esteem account as the next feneficiary for lucrative investment on her behalf.

Please forward to me the scan copy of your international passport or your driving lincense for processing with the bank as they request.

I sincerely hope that you will display all honesty and starightforwardness to my client by keeping good record on this funds when it finally transfer to your account (you are sincerely full of your new first name).

Furthermoor be advice sir, that you will be require to be in Spain urgently for the opening of an account for the transfer of the fund and as I have discussed with Mrs Walker, my trusted partner will meet with you in Spain to gulid you in this exercise and to know you intimately (his partner's gay? Ack).

As I have insisted to have your telephone number to speak with you, regretetably, Mrs Wlaker told em that you cannot receive calls regarding the subject matter within your business arena, for confidentiality. On that note please try either now or in the nearby future to secure a hand phone at home for our heart to heart discussion as the occasion may demand.

I think by the time you are investing the fund onbheahf of mrs Walker, it is not all matters that we must related by phone, the may be an emergency that we must speak with other by phone.

Finally you will be calling me at any time of your convenience on my telephone number above (lives in his office, eh? Oooookay...).

Thanks for your anticipated cooperation and trust.'s truly gratifying to know I'm dealing with an honest, sincere, edumacated professional bannister of the Nigerian court. I'd be terribly let down to find otherwise.

My reply, with an added twist and a few intended typos:

My good Sh** Morgan, Esq: I thank you for your contact and details. Apparently, Madam Walker in any spelling informed you of the telephone issue, which is good. Now I have another minkey wrench to toss into the gears: my employer is sending me to the USA on a business junket within a few days' time. Thus, details of you and your clients' efforts to give me the business must be attended to with expedience.

I have no objection to a final meeting in Spain for the consummation of your client giving me the business. However, kindly tell your trusted associate that there will be no intimate get togethers; I am not wired that way. He puts a hand on my thigh and I'll open a can of whupass on him. I'm just sayin'.

Now, the Spain meeting won't happen until I return from the USA, which might be a couple weeks. As I'm sure she told you, I reside in Liechtenstein; I can take a train to Spain when I get off the plane, whether or not in the rain. In Spain. Though I get off the plane in Zurich. You get the drift.

Meantime, I'm sure you, being a lieyar, have to have documents and procedures to prepare for the illegal transfer of these funds, right? I'm sure the fees are in keeping with the nature of this business and the manure in which it operates. What I would propose to do is this: you send me your physical mailing address, and I will send to you there a fair, just fee payment to that address, so you can get on with giving me your business. If I can send it to the street address you listed on your email, let me know, and it's on its' way.

Awaiting your next fountain of mirthful instructions, Sh**.

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

Next up: Part VII and the Lieyar Responds (and we find out how literate he is)...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress V

A general observation of mine, gleaned over six years of dealing with a couple hundred or so of these scamster/ettes, is that their initial pleadings are pretty well written grammatically, the quality of which erodes over extended communication.

Can you say 'scripted'?

But Mary Walker, Nigerian Scamstress...represents a grammatical departure from the norm: at the bottom of the literal barrel from the outset, and trying to dig through the bottom of the barrel to find a lower uncommon denominator with each reply.

Her latest reply is the epitome (or just pity me trying to read it) in gibberish:

Dear Dr Phulovit
Am so sorry i when to the horspital that was while i did not get to you since. i have made up my mine to give and to invest with your care am a woman of my words that can not change (nonsense; women change their minds all the time) but i allway tell you that you should not betrad the trust becase this is my last hope in life (imagine the violin piece from Young Frankenstein, playing in the background...*sigh*)

I told my lieyar about your confidentalty of not given us your telphone number for the secresy of this transaxtion . he told me that you are good for one (her lieyar listens to Toby Keith?) do deal with but untill he get reach to you. he further told me that he will advice me if i need topmost secresy i will like him as my lieyar (hell, I like him as her lieyar, too) with my partner to meet in country where this fund is bank then you will open account on your name or your company name so that this money will be pay into your new account you open the you advice the bank to forther credit the money to you original account in you country the both of you will travel to meet till i finally meet with you people there for the investmet pupose and disbusement (she's killing me..hahahahahaha!) of the fund to your country before i will meet with you people. so that the money will be debat from your acount and credit to you account . This will save topmost secresy on this transaction.

I hope is suggeston make good point.

Uh...yeah. What she said.

Thus understood -- I think -- here is the reply I carefully crafted to suggest I grasp each and every point like a flopping carp:

Ma'am: yes, this -- your explanation -- is both concise and noteworthy for brevity and clarity of your pupose to give me the business. It also exudes the level of sincerity one can't help but grasp underlines your intentions. It is well that this is so. I am gratified to know that you are as transparent in this as you're being.

Now to business: give your chosen lieyar my email address, and have him make contact with me soonly so he can tell me exactly, in his version of legalese, what it is he requires of me. In this way, I can give him what he needs to further this exercise and bring a logical conclusion that you will find makes sense from otherwise. Since it is, as you have said and reinterated, your last hope in life, his expedited attention to this is hopalong giddyup (an amusing local phrase, meaning a manure of topmost secresy priority).

I shall, with bated breath (not anchovy) await his precise and complete instructions, and move with alacrity and a spellchecker to see to their just and deserving execution.

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

Hopefully, in Part VI: The Lieyar Speaks

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress? Part IV

Telephony. How totally appropo in this case.

Like many prior scams, the scamstress -- Mrs. Mary Walker, allegedly related to that greedy, mean-spirited Texus Rangr who won't help her in her hour of need -- insists on having my personal phone number. At least the personal phone number of her intended mugu, Dr. U. R. Phulovit.

But not for her; for her attority.

Scamsters seem to have a thing about actually having speaks with their intended victims on the phone; something about judging the sincerity of their intended victims.

Bill Clinton would be right at home with these chicaneresque clowns, but I digress.

In her next response to Dr. Phulovit's last, Mrs. Walker gets down to the telephony:

Dear Dr. U. R. Phulovit

Am very happy the way you undersand this transaction and to kept the confident of this transaction topmost secresy God will bless you. But my big brother (ho, brother) i know myself i myself can not call you becase my communication me be trap becase an being monitor. that was why i told my confident lieyar (freudian slip?) he told me that i should not worry that every thing is in place he will run every thing for me till the money enter your account he eve told me that he will make sure that he gave me ligal support on the fund that every cetizen of nigera knows the government are not taking care of us hear. that one has to make use of is opportunity he has (for once, if unintended, a truthful statement).

But he tell me befor he will draft a mutual trust agreement and attority latter to transfer the money to your account he will like to speak wih you not that he has to discuse the transaction but just to know your vioce (yes, the vioce is the window to the mugu's true gullibility). please send you hand phone number or office number so that we can move foword because the early the better.

my best regards

No doubt.

Sometimes, I use the ploy that I'm hearing-impaired; other times, I use the ploy that my telephonic communications are monitored. In this case, I use the latter:

Ma'am: as I painstakingly explained in my last, I don't have a personal phone. The cost of residential phones in Liechtenstein is prohibitive. Only in my office do I have access to one, and there each and every call is monitored. Do you really want the attority calling me there, and compromising the secresy? You must consider that the government of Liechtenstein has some kind of reciprocal agreement with the government of Nigera, as regards telephonic communication. Your attority calls me, and your government finds out what you're up to. Is that a risk you wish to take with your last hope in life?

I think not. I certainly won't take it on your misguided behalf. I don't want your blood on my hands. Or other parts.

Tell your attority to contact my email address, and we'll work out the modalities through this means. I transmit sensitive documents via secured email all the time without problem or concern. The sooner he contacts me, the sooner we can move foword.

Next up: Part V -- Gibberish Is Good

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress? Part III

Continuing with our latest foray into the effort to give me the business, Mrs. Walker responds to my comments in Part II:

Dear Phulovit
Thanks for your mail and your passport but you must not contac my relative in Texus. he not know the circumances, an as i say befor this transaction is most confident and secresy is needed. pleas you understand (but didn't they first claim to have sounded him out? Oh well...)

i hope to do this business with you in all my mine (huh?) An i can see that you are advance in ages that one can deal with an trust (I assume that's a reference to my passport photo, and not a personal slam...*snort*). Please I will not like us to wast time on this transaction that is the more reason i want you to send me your tephone number and your banking partiular so that i will forwards to the paying bank concern with my attority latter to transfer the money to your account. witout any delay mean while this transaction need topmost secresy as you know this is my last hope in life.

i hope you like family piture I send you that show you my family an my sincerity that it shows (how could one not recognize the sincerity of this piture?).

hoping to hear from you soonest

Soonest it is:

Ma'am: I did receive your photos, so I know who it is you represent yourself to be. And I must say that your purported family photo is certainly a blip on the sincerity radar, no doubt about it. As to your Texus rangr relative, in keeping with your desire for secresy, I have sent a follow-up email to the TV studio in question, asking they disregard my prior email, so secresy is assured.

Since time is the watch word, and this is, as you say, your last hope in life, I will now move to the information you so fervently need to give me the business:

Bank Name: Liechtenstein Bank Undt Das Fawg, UnLtd
69 FinancenSchiesse Ploptz
Vaduz, Liechtenstein 9490
Phone: 423 237 19 78
Bank Account#: AFLACDUK00000157
Name On Account: Uranus R. Phulovit
My physical address: 5 MadeuppenPlatz
SpitzenSparken Undt Pbbbbt Bldg
Vaduz, Liechtenstein 9490

Due to costs associated with personal phones, I do not have one at my flat; I use the phone at work, and then only for work-related business. My employer records all incoming/outgoing phone calls, so your requirement for secresy makes it impractical that you call me at work. Since this is the only phone I have access to, it would be best if we continue this effort of yours at giving me the business by way of this email communication we now use. My email address is password protected, and is safe from prying eyes, thus assuring your required secresy. Absolutely no chance that, for example, persons in the blogisphere will ever read a single word of our communiques, which of course would be disastrous to secresy.

So now you have my information, Ma'am. What do I do next?

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

Next up: Part IV and The Phone Thang...

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress? Part II

Of no great surprise, Mrs. Mary Walker "well noting" my reply (but not understanding a word of it), responded affirmatively, even eagerly, thus setting the stage for the furtherance of her efforts to give me the business.

Uh huh.

Here is her reply to my initial response (as full of typos as the previous):

Dear Dr. U. R. Phulovit
Thanks for your message the content well noted. Yes, it upset us much my relation no help us though i think he was good positioned to help. after much delibration with my husban we decided to partner with you an i hope you will not betrad the trust because this is money business we need to trust each other i will love both of us to undergo mutual trust agreement so that we understand ourself (I'm all for understanding myself one day, let alone finding a woman who can, but I digress).

I have this oportunity to tell you that this transaction must be undertopmost secresy (under WHAT?) and confidential because as you know this is my last hope in life (oh sure, play the sympathy card). you may be away that our government does not care for civil servant hear in nigeran that is the more reason we use every opportunity we have hear in our country.

My regard to your famly.

My next salvo:

Ma'am: it is well that you have properly discussed this effort to give me the business with your dominated other, and come to agreement on proceeding with your effort. I am gratified to know that you are one in this.

As for trust, I have no doubt that I can trust in your desire to give me the business thoroughly, and I will likewise work tirelessly, since I don't own a car. Beyond that, I will leave no stone violated to reciprocate in a manure you are richly deserving of, and obviously feel entitled to. I couldn't agree more to your entitlement in this regard.

With that said, I forward you now my promised bona fides (passport photo, above right). When you next have speaks with me, kindly provide me with an update of all that is needed from me to you in an informational manure, so that I can, in the words of a fleet captain I was once commanded by, "make it so".

By the way, I have written a tart letter to your relation (via the Texus Rangrs), excoriating him for leaving his blood kin in the lurch; that's not a thing that the Addams Family would do, let alone Cousin It. Of that I am certain.

Dr. U. R. Phulovit

Next up: Part III and I did WHAT?

Friday, July 11, 2008

Walker: Nigerian Scamstress? Part I

*Blogger's note: undergoing some bumps in the road at present, I am going to go back to the early 2006 files, and remind old readers of a lengthy scambait as I used to do them; for you new readers, enjoy one of my multi-part classics from January 2006; it will update every other day*

Stupidity is usually self-evident. But sometimes, select examples of stupidity stand out in such a manure that it cannot help but be acknowledged. Indeed, encouraged.

I have to admit, I receive so many of these Nigerian 419 email scams, they are beginning to bore me. It takes a really inspired one to get me motivated to respond. The following one provided just such inspiration. It did so, despite being the worst written scam appeal I've yet received.

This one was especially pathetic, and thereby enticing, because of the person -- pictured above -- invoked in the very early stage of the email. I won't explain further; I'll let the scamstress herself (pictured below, with her domineered other) do that with a recap of her email. And yes, I'll recap it just as I received it, down to the last syntax error.

Email Title: Please Reply

Dear Masato
From Mrs Mary Walker
I am a Nigeria blessed with four childrun. i got your contact through my primate seach and a reliable friend. i sek you out becase i have relative who is famos police rangr in Texus (USA) but he no want help me so i try you. i have intrest to invest in your country , i want you to be my investor partner as a joint venture. i was the personal assistan to the former first lady mrs Stella Obasanjo on the time she went to spain for medical check up befor she finaly die. I made away $10,500,000m.

this fund was secure in Bank in europe though our president is asking for the money that was with her during the trip to spain. i convine him that am not inposition of such fund (lying little trollope). Because of this I am impaled to request for your assistant to receive this money into your bank acount. befor i finally travel to meet with you in your country for investment. i do need to stress that there are practically no risk involved in this (practically no risk?) It going to be a bank-to-bank transfer. all i need from you is to stand as partner that jointly depositor of this fund.

If you accept this offer, i will give to you 15% of the sum while 65% of my share will be invested in your country on your close suppervison (I guess that means she'll be investing in my tuna fish salad I eat at work for dinner?). I have intention to invest into properties but i will prefer i invest on the business you nkow better on your close suppervision (tuna fish or Kraft Mac 'n cheese it'll be, then).

All what i need from you is your banking particulers eg your bank account your account name phsical address of your bank tel. and fax number of you bank together with your primate telphone and fax number. as to enable me send to the paying bank to credit the fund in to your account.

please remember the secresy and the confidential of this transaction. note that this transaction is not related to drugs or arms (oh, that makes it ALL better!). i will appreciate your respond toword this transacton. on recieved your respond i will send to you my family pikture (above) so you know the person you are dealing with.

Hoping soonest hear from you.

Painful as that was to read, what with her being related and all to Walker, "Texus Rangr" (I see the family resemblance; don't you?), I simply had to respond. Of course, she had initially sent this to none other than one of my many guises, Dr. Masato Chan (who is obviously posted on some Nigerian internet cafe 'mugu*' board, somewhere); but I figured that she'd not mind dealing with a stand-in, long as she thought her business would get gived in a manure she obviously intended. Thus, the reply:

Ma'am: pleased to receive your offer to give me the business. You are REALLY related to Walker, Texus Rangr? Get out of Dodge! Really? And that stuck-up schmuck won't help his own blood kin now?

What is this world coming to? But I digress.

Dr. Masato is on a distended sabbatical, working on his second Masters' thesis on the theorems of spatial flatuli expedience in a vacuum as propellant for warped space travel. Even I understand not one word of that what he writes, but he is a brilliant man and the theory is feasible if you've ever seen teenagers lighting their own flatulence. Scary, but not germaine to your business at hand.

In reading and attempting to understand your offer to give Masato the business, I think I can help guide you to your just desserts in this endeavor. Please send me the photo that provides for your bona fides (as you said, so I will know who I'm being had by), and I will work diligently on behalf of giving you all the help necessary to get you what you deserve to that end.

Your eager-to-help savant,

Dr. U. R. Phulovit, pUd

Believe it or not (and those who've read this blog, know to believe) she not only replied and sent the above photo of her and her domineered other, she is eager to see that I am, indeed, had.

Next up: Part II.

* 'big fool' in Nigerian lingo

Monday, July 7, 2008

I'll Be Dawggoned...

Yeah, somewhere, Muttley is snickering over this 'un...

My friend at the Denver Better Business Bureau sent me another email she'd received, suggesting that I needed to 'branch out' with my email scambaiting. The suggestion was made either ignorant of the fact I once fell out of a tree collecting firewood, or with tongue-in-cheek knowledge that I had done so. My BBB friend has that kind of humor streak in her.

See, she thought I should let a scammer 'sell' me a puppy. Witness the opening gambit by Dr. Benach Wuzzy (

Subject: adorable full AKC registration puppies for adoption

My name is Banach Wuzzy ,I am a consultant Gynecologist Surgeon and Oncologist Doctor i work for different prominent hospital and My late Grandma was a puppy breeder, She died about 4 months ago and she left 1 Female English Bulldog,2 Femaile Yorkshire puppies, and 1 male left behind one of which had a litter of 3 puppies, They are so cute Due to my job as a medical doctor do now allow me to take good care of these babies, I would have to love to take care of them by myself but i want to find them caring parent willing to adopt, i come across your email at online US Commerce of Chamber if you are interested please contact me immediate for details and information.
Dr. Banach Wuzzy (don't worry; the spelling of the first name will change to match the email address).

As I plotted my reply, I decide to stretch several angles of my reply, including involving (a) my pet rock (b) changing my name mid-scambait and (c) a sick twist at the end. What's the point of 'branching out', if I'm not willing to fall off the branch? Thus:

Dr. Wuzzy,

I absolutely love my pets. My cherished pet Seymour just passed away a few months ago, after 16 years in the family (note: Seymour's my pet rock I've only had for 8 years, and will out live me). I was devastated, and never felt I could have another like him (note: there's a whole lot like him, at the bottom of the rain gutter). Then I received your email, and something unexplained prompted me to reply (note: a good-natured *prod* from my BBB friend).

What are the details of your adoption process, and what do I need to do?
Jack N. Ewehoff

One day later, I get a positive response from Dr. BEnach Wuzzy, indicating that "I'm Locate somewhere around New Jersey State here in USA with the pups". Sounds like he attended Denver Public Skools when learning his geography. Anyway, he says that for a total of $345 (later $350, and then back and forth), I will receive "certified health certificate, vaccination and worming record, copy of USDA paper, AKC registration application for the puppy, its pedigree and your puppy's guarantee. also airline ticket, an approved carrier with a soft, comfortable bed, health certificate from my vet, a puppy pack including sample food your pup has been eating, a tube of nutri-cal, I also include a special gift to your puppy from me".

Whadda guy. And Banach/Benach -- hereafter Wuzzy -- will attach a photo of the puppy (supposed to with this email, but he forgets...repeatedly).

Well, if Wuzzy can change the spelling of his name, and be "Locate somewhere around New Jersey", I guess ol' Jack can make a few sudden changes too:

New Jersey? That's fine. I'm in Los Angeles, so air shipping will be easy, as I'll receive the puppy via Los Angeles International Airport (LAX). And the price you've quoted -- $345 -- is quite reasonabull. I was prepared to pay more. However, you failed to attach the photo of the puppy. Send me the photo and a copy of the AKC registration papers you referenced. Once you've done that, I'll ask you for how/where to send you the funds.

Jerome Howard

Dr. Wuzzy didn't notice the change in name. In fact, in his next email, he urges me to send him my address, city, state, and nearest airport to ship the puppy. I fail to comply, telling him only that Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) will serve just fine to send the puppy to. And while we're at it, you forgot to send a picture of the puppy again. Just like a gynecologist.

Wuzzy's reply ignored the gyne comment, but took a turn for the Wuzzy:

Hello thanks for the mail I went to Atlanta to see my vets doctor for a primate check up for the babies so that is why i slow to send picture, but now i send picture of your puppy how cute, yes. Vet check up is good so now we are ready for you to pay and ship the puppy and its good.

LMAO....the photo Wuzzy sent me was not of a Yorki (Yorkshire terrier), but of a bulldog. Granted, I have a pet rock, so what would I know, but Wuzzy doesn't know that. However, in the interests of keeping questions to a minimum, I let it ride:

Very good. Now, how do I pay for the puppy? You tell me when the puppy will arrive at LAX, and I'll send along the $345 (an everchanging figger).

Now Wuzzy introduces his equally-confused cohort, initially as Victoria Gladden:

Here is what to send the payment toward

Receiver's Victoria Gladden

Address 702 Marketplace Blvd

Locust Grove, Georgia 30248

Send Westin Union with test question In God, and test answer We trust

Time to let Wuzzy know I appreciate his effort to give me the business with a little hokum:

Thanks for the information, and ask Victoria Gladden to email me to confirm everything before I Westin Union. And if you'd forward this email to her, so that I can tell her on behalf of the whole family, thanks! My very precocious daughter has already named the pup "Wuzzles", after the guy that made this possible.

And that brings on board Victoria Gladden (

thanks for your prompt repond to me i will coming with your akita puppy as soon as you send me the $350 payment i will wait for the MTCN number and test question answer to verify this okay now.

I'm dealing with two rocket scientists, shore 'nuff. I send Victoria a quick affirmation, and await the next step in this farce, like what the puppy's gonna turn into next.

It isn't long in coming:

this victoria belly, the shipping person, i send you a mail though yahoo but i want you to add this mail to you contac this will be the mail you will use in any transaction now it will be the mail you will send me the info i ask from you on the payment transfer. do not reply to my yahoo mail again use

"Victoria Belly"? New email addy? Okay, fine:

Okay, I have your new scheme. I'll notify you accordingly.

So the next day, I take an old Western Union faux receipt from a scambait in '05, resize it sufficiently to fuzzywuzzy it up, and send it along with this info to both Wuzzy and Victoria Belly-Gladden:

Here is MTCN: 7864278718

Amount sent: $345

I shall await your anticipated response (and do I ever anticipate a response).

Which isn't long in coming from Victoria:

Jerome I need the name of sender and also the info foward by wuzzy to you and the question (then this little unexpected addition) also you no more need talk to wuzzy again i will take that care myself

My response to Victoria:

Okay, no more Wuzzy. Now, what you say you need:

The sender is Jerome Howard...that's me

The test question is "how much is doggy"

The test answer is "in the blender"

I bad...especially in Wuzzy's eyes:

we went to the bank to pick up money they told your order was not found why did you do this to me am very disapointed in you this waste a lot of my time bu why did you do that to us the shipping agent is with another two different puppy to ship and this makes much extra work you know. You must correct the ship and send correct information now okay. I don't want puppy to miss flight today.

The puppy missed the flight:

Wuzzy, nothing's wrong with the wire transfer, dude. It's exactly what you requested with some small changes, just like you changed my yorki to a bulldog to an akita. I suggest you take the receipt and go back to Western Union.

Now it's Victoria's turn, and she throws another twist in:

Jerome, what is going here? Bank says no money in receipt and Wuzzy is diapoint in you. you do this again please, but this time don't use usa address for Western Union. Send instead to

Musa Nojimudeen

19 Sieward Road Garratt Lane

SW17 O1a, London

So kindly make the payment to day and I will come with your puppy. use same information you send me last to Western Union, okay. no need to tell Wuzzy this.

I decide to question the new instructions:

Victoria, just so I understand this here, you say the money didn't show up at your Georgia location Western Union? How odd. Even more odd to me, you want me to send it now to some raghead in London. As in London, UK? Would you please confirm this?

Victoria gets so excited, she returns to emailing from the yahoo address she told me not to use anymore, and again is Victoria Gladden:

Howard please what is go on i want you to know that i can no continue delay with you or do you want me call Dr. Banach to come pick her away? What is wrong with you now please fix this with no more dely.

Now my turn to get 'excited':

Now just back off, Victoria: I asked you to confirm the weird change in where the money was supposed to be sent, that's all. First you want it sent to Georgia. Then to some dubious raghead in London. And I'm buying a yorki, then a bulldog, then an akita! All I asked for is confirmation, and what do I get? A pissy PMS email threatening to spike the whole deal! Is that what you want me to do? Either CONFIRM THE INFORMATION I ASKED FOR OR I WILL CANCEL THE DEAL AND YOU CAN SHOVE THE PUPPY, WHATEVER BREED, WHERE THE FIRE HYDRANT DON'T THROW A SHADOW.

As usual, a little counter heat cools the scammer's jets:

Jerome, i do not mean to hot you up like this ok now. go ahead and send money to me here in Georgia and i will ship your puppy myself ok. please don't be hot with me now, just send money to me and will is good.

My chilled-out reply:

Okay, I'll not hot I am to send you the payment again. Fine. Let's settle on two points: you're sending me a yorki puppy my precious little daughter has named "Wuzzles", and you want me to send you $345. Fine.

I wait a day, and then send the same fuzzywuzzy Western Union receipt to Victoria that I sent before, along with this personal note:

I am attaching a copy of the Western Union receipt. Remember, send the puppy to LAX. Chef Whack Dog Dung will be waiting.

A day goes by, and then I get a pair of emails. First, from Victoria (again) Belly:

but you promise me not to hot me any longer we go to bank to receive money out but we find out the same thing happen as you told us the last time i will you to know that i have not be dealing with a delaying business like this before and Mr. Benach wanted to be angry with the lady in the bank, the lady report us to their security and they wanted to lock us up or to jailus but am very disapointed in this work you have done here. why you hot me up like this?

And then comes Wuzzy's parting salvo:

am fully tried of this you send us the same fack tracking number and you amost get me jailed you are bad man and you no get puppy now. puppy for me. The 'Puppy Nazi' hath spoken. My final reply to both had something philosophical to do with poker strategy, tells, and the failure of keeping one's head out of one's backside when trying to scam with aplomb.

Wuzzy had nothing more to add, but Victoria did send one last 'hopeful' query:

what poker you mean? you still want puppy please?

Imagine, if you will, my response.

And what was my friend at the BBB's response to all this? "You should get your own cable TV show!"

Yawp...How Much Is That Pup-py In The Scambait on Comedy Central. Woof.