Friday, March 28, 2008

Vocabulary Builder V -- Pre-April Fools' Edition

Ah, the rapidly-approaching April First. The sound of remote-controlled fart machines in the air. Saran Wrap on toilets. Whatever other deviltry can be conceived of.

As for me, I just thought I'd put together another one of them so-called vocabulary builders, to further enhance reader lexicology.

That's, I say, that's an April Fools' joke there, son.

- sex education gone way too far
- coffee creamer for the well-to-do
- fellow class member

- lexicological edification of syntax, cruciverbally-speaking
- see previous word, first choice
- criticism of police for arriving after the crime

- instructor who really bums out students
- a nerve that lowers blood pressure
- when she says "not on your life!" at the end of a date

- what pickle bread is made from
- why she says "not on your life!" in previous choice; she gots one and don't need you...
- an extinct bird

- to fold up
- to puke a hairball
- Earl's half-wit brother

- Japanese meaning "pound sand-san"
- Japanese meaning "yeah, what Miss Piggy said when she thumped someone"
- Japanese meaning "three line poem of 17 syllables, like....
I think I pass gas
Everybody runs away
it must really stink

- town in Iraq
- an orange-like fruit
- a well-stimulated quat will, I'm sure...

- doesn't have a neck
- person who hates people
- debutante with a 'tude

News flash:
- teleprompter catches fire
- Katy Couric's latest try to boost ratings on the CBS Nightly Nudes...
- single item of important someone...maybe...

- a single guy's chances with a Catholic nun
- declining from the horizontal or vertical
- economic forecast in Ireland

- something illusionary
- spirit sex
- elephant orgasm

- refute or disprove
- replacement, since the original one didn't fit in them jeans...
- frog meaning...whatever it means to a frog

- Redneck meaning "sumpin ah dun satin..."
- a fabric
- Redneck meaning "that Loocifur feller the Rev rags about"

- Sick video game
- bacterial disease
- Far East New Year celebration of someone's butt

- one piece leotard
- a tard that's good anywhere
- Redneck meaning "we's all tard hyar..."

- to kick the snarf out of
- Indian casino motto
- beads made from shells and strung together

- Hebrew name for God in the Old Testament
- giving directions...badly
- response when someone says "no way"

Verb sap:
- Latin meaning "sticky substance that oozes from a verb in season"
- Latin meaning "one word's enough"
- Latin meaning "used to beat unruly syntax into line"

- hard, woody fruit
- a musical fish
- a foreigner complaining about a hard woody

- disease seen in zoo monkeys that causes them to throw their sh..dung
- German meaning "ja, du know mine zister?"
- disease transmitted to humans from animals

- something Hillary rarely can
- summon to return
- ruin everything

- one of them robot things in Battlestar Galactica
- structure supporting an aircraft engine
- what the media frequently does without getting facts straight

- hard to do
- what South Park does to Scientology at every opportunity
- a culture of diffidence

- to enforce conscription for a sailing ship
- small container for oil or vinegar
- "screw it" said with a speech impediment

- place to get raven drunk (ducking boos and throwd items)
- iron bar used as a lever
- aviary musical scale

- Redneck meaning "defer taint worth nuthin' hyar"
- postpone
- not to a mink's liking

- a fear of contracts
- a fear of Christmas shopping
- a fear of confining places
Granted, it IS almost April 1st, so I probably didn't mean some of this, did I?

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Dear Skunky -- VII

Dear Skunky didn't really outdo hisself on this latest scam bait with two individuals of dubious antecedence; but I certainly pissed them off to no end.

James Kanga -- an alleged bank representative in South Africa, with a UK email address ( and his odious colleague, Barrister Mukwenza Wilson ( -- sent out one of those offers to give me the business with an offer to stand in as a 'next of kin' for someone who'd left $9.4 million in Kanga's bank (Standard Bank, South Africa) before dying in some kind of incident in 2000 (probably trampled by AlGore's lawyers, looking for hanging chads that generate human-caused global warming). Responding to their gambit as Jerome C. Howard, I noted that their dead client immediately became Robert Johnson Howard (no relation to the clan from Rock Ridge in the movie Blazing Saddles, me thinks), and the game was on. After multiple email exchanges that finally led to the "rat killing" -- my having to pay legal and processing fees of $14,261 -- I, or rather Curly, prepared and sent to them what it was they were asking for (see Euro pictured above).

Upon receiving it, Mukca-ca became pouty and sullen, refusing to communicate further, even after Curly suggested that he print up extras, and get his wife a meerkat coat and matching tampons. That left Kanga, who couldn't let it go without at least one effort to "right the ship" and continue "the way forward", as it were:


i dont understand this childish jest of you. this is not laugh matter you are not dead or you cannot communicate with us so stop this. My attorney pay much money and put much value time to preparing legal documents for serious business and you jest him and upset his business effort much if you are serious you must send the money as agreed soonest and no more jest your insult not funny. the way forward is open when you pay fees but it must be soonest.

Scales fall from some eyes faster than others, so it became time for Dear Skunky to step in, and help Kanga better grasp what Mukca-ca was now aware of:

My good and chicanerous James Kanga and Mukcaca Wilson,

Gentlemen, I do not believe that either of you have appreciated the time, the effort, and the dedication to the business you tried to give me, that I have genuinely and sincerely reciprocated with. I mean, this is no easy feat for a guy -- many years at peace and comfortably disintegrating in the biological sense -- to perform all the feats necessary that you have proscribed I do. When all of this is taken in the proper context, I think you will find that I have done remarkably well, and will alter your last stated opinions of my having treated your efforts as "childish jest and wasting of value time", or however you badly wrote it. Let me be precise in my effort to bring clarity to your minds:

1. I am, in fact, Jerome C. "Curly" Howard, late of the comedy team The Three Stooges. I died in 1952. How you came to contact me is via the wonders of the astral bridge, and extant technology that continues to improve the reach between the physical and astral planes. It's called Instrumental Transcommunication, or ITC for you acronym lovers out there, but I kind of digress.

2. Bearing in the mind the aformentioned fact that I am dead as a recording contract for William Hung of American Idull fame, I wish for you to appreciate the efforts it took me to do the records search that I executed, to come up with the money that you required. Unfortunately, this record search would necessarily come acropper, as records I'd had reposed to a place of security back in 1952, have been rather out of my control for the past 56 years, so the question of cashing in any life insurance policies was, how to put it delicately, soitenly oudda what's left of my hands...see what I just did there? nyuk nyuk nyuk.

3. So, using the ol' bean in an entrepreneurial sense -- it's deteriorated some, too -- I reckoned that if I couldn't get the cash via traditional means, I could improvise. So I did. Now I want you to appreciate the effort here: procuring the tool and die equipment, spending the hours of laborious crafting and customizing a mold, countless test printings and adjustments, until I came up with the poifect mold of a Euro bill, customized and denominized to your almost exact fiducial requirements. I mean, I couldn't be exact: who'd believe a Euro for $14,261? Not even the dumbest Frenchman alive would have bought that, though John Kerry might of, but he ain't really French, he just acts like it. So I made it rounded off at $14,500, to give it that authentic look and touch. As for the artwork thereon, you must admit that it fits your modus operandi to a tee, and symbolizes so well your efforts to give me the business, and where those efforts were destined to wind up from the beginning.

4. All you had to do was print two copies, meld them together on a quality two-sided color copier, and present them at any bank in France. The North Koreans do it with US dollars and Euros, all the time. And if those mental munchkins can get away widdit....horsefeathers....y'all soitenly can!

5. Oh, I know what you're thinking: "if the North Koreans jumped off a cliff, or counterfeited nukes, would you do it, too?". Well, yes, if that's what your scam had called for....but it didn't, so you got what you were deserving of. If you'd asked for nukes, I suppose I coulda found made some up, just for you lads.

Now, I realize this is all new and a bit upsetting to you, Kanga, but the sulking of your dubious bannister is recognition that he, moreso than you, gets it: you tried to pull one over on a foreign dupe, and instead, you've been had by a DEAD GUY. DEAD, DEAD, D-A-I-D GUY. And I'll bet he gets what you have yet to grasp as well: YOUR EFFORT TO SCAM A DEAD GUY THAT WENT PHFFFFT, IS GOING TO BE POSTED ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB, SO THE WHOLE WOILD KNOWS YOU'VE BEEN SCAMBAITED BY A DEAD, D-A-I-D GUY! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Even Moe is smiling at that one...*eye poke* Ow!

Any time, Kanga. It's soitently been a slice! Now if you'll excuse me, Moe needs to straighten another chisel on my head..*whang* Ow!

Jerome "Curly" Howard
The Three Stooges

And widdat, I'm sorry to say, communications with Mr. Kanga ceased, suggesting that Kanga "gets it" now. Nyuk nyuk nyuk...

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Vocabulary Builder -- IV

I could blame Serena Joy and Hale McKay for this.

But why bother: all of the verbicidal abnominations and abysmal linguisticides herein are the product of a thrice-concussed, scam-baiting, no-life person of extensive antecedence with next to nothing to show for it. Save for silly photos and abuse of syntax the likes of Sodang and Gidoerit, or some other pseudo thang I just did something weird with.

Of course, this hyar blog is full of such.

So, against better judgement which I've never demonstrated anyway, here's some more words to help you build up your cruciverbalism to a point that no one will care anyway, since they won't understand many of the woids your misusing:

- wart with a lisp
- to cross obliquely
- a booty blemish

- a medieval athletic supporter
- Black Adder's main target of abuse
- a cross-body belt for a sword

- big ass suitcase-in-waiting, with teeth in the meantime
- an Aussie company you pay to make crank calls for you
- a cheap, knock-off soap

- an armored outhouse
- an ass big enough to mount a turret on
- bad tempered

- sweet (ducking boos and throwd items)
- a buzzard buffet
- a tune played on bells

Casus belli:
- Latin meaning "let's go to the forum for dames"
- Latin meaning "that's some beergut, Earl"
- Latin meaning "to precipitate a war"

- a remarkable thing
- when what's left of Michael Jackson's nose implodes
- a charging bull

- a watering hole where lies and whoppers grow like weeds
- any political campaign 'war room'
- something that, spread around, makes things grow

- an articulated bus
- Rrrrowrrrr
- the middle of the line gives way

- a Godzilla-like critter that ate Kyoto in a really cheeseball movie in the 50s
- Japanese marinated culinary dish
- made Teri sick and she...

-making it up as one goes
- dishonesty
- oops, wrong way widda proctoscope...

- Redneckspeak for "a Yankee-made tractor"
- a former receiver for the San Diego Chargers
- Redneckspeak for "what baling wire and glue dun"

- a skillet after I tried cooking widdit
- her nickname for the frying pan she uses to dent his haid with
- show no emotion

- someone immortalized for taking a stand
- someone immortalized for clearing a stand
- I'm screwing with words again

- lame sex
- to ridicule (could be the above, too)
- lamp sex

- sound a bell makes
- for whom the smell tolls
- the end result of cud

- victim of a cowtip
- a cattle rustler
- a cow with a really bad golf game

- artificially made transuranic radioactive metallic element (all together now...WTF?)
- museum built for Lawrence Welk memorabilia (bubbles optional)
- Lawrence of Arabia's second cousin, twice removed for drunken flatulence


- a strict disciplinarian
- a Martian munchkin
- that weird dude that pitches the Weed Weasel, or some such...


- some people make tea out of it, but not more than once
- a bell tower
- camp like an Egyptian

Obiter Dictum:

- Latin for "an incidental remark"

- Latin for "a dental faux pas"

- Latin for "She bit your WHAT?"


- one of those big ass Jurassic birds
- okay, one of those big ass Jurassic cats?
- on the fringe...of one of the above?

- see you rater
- musical parody
- a type of Malaysian clothing

- Ahab the Arab
- what politically correct junkies are doing after reading that
- a green ogre that farts

- the first two letters tuckered out
- parody, ridicule, sarcasm
- a tire with a lousy sense of timing

- Mexican for "to kill you"
- Mexican for "to render blonde"
- Mexican for "makes sunrise and sunset non sequitur in sufficient quantities"

- what one of my former peers called a stumbling drunk
- a weevil that walks funny
- it means whatever you want it to...screw the traditionalists


- cry of the yeller-bellied snapsinator
- sound a Muslim makes when he realizes you slipped him pork
- Iowaspeak meaning "to spit a loogie"

- Latin meaning "that Viagra's shot"
- Latin meaning "to hang someone"
- non-Latin meaning "not a friggin' thing..I madeth it up"


- one part verbs, one part nouns, a spritz of vowels and wha la...Vanna White?

- substance used to control linguistic pests (doesn't work on me, tho'...)
- murdering syntax with reckless spellcheck

- what happens to adults when they've a houseful of kids and one phone
- pychic communication with a rooster
- a word I abominated and let Charles Harrington Elster borrow for one of his books

- musical Volkswagen
- locust quartet
- nonsense

All the "Mommy, make him stop"s might...if you pay me enough...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Vocabulary Building III -- Politickally Carwrecked

The last of three in the series. Yeah, I heard those sighs of relief.

At any rate, what had been a series of seven vocabulary builders for the paper back about 12 years or so ago, I condensed into three, so you're getting more than twice the verbiage value as heretofore. Or heretofive, six, or whatever your favored number. And just for fun, I've included a few more foreign words, just so I could have more creative liberty and irritate the snarf ouf the politically correct in the readership.
So wid no foitha adieu:
- living or occurring at the same time
- a cantankerous, dissident rary
- a fill-in criminal for one whose on vacation, death row, temporary break-out, etc
- flexible BS
- quite capable
- not constant
- they would have, but for Goldilocks
- how 70% of Califorlornia public education high school students spelled 'Beirut' on their last geology exam, which was another problem but I digress
- to scold or rebuke
- more than one person forgot about it
- what 'Inevitable Hillary' and her campaign might be on the verge of
- fall down (go 'boom' is optional)
- milk cow flatulence
- brand of refrigerators that flopped in Quebec
- some sit on it; others try to think widdit
- showy
- a floatation device that keeps you warm 'til it burns up, then you sink
- gourmet meal made from insects
- a graduated circumstance...*ducking throwd items*
- skill required in cheerleading, especially in Texas where they take this stuff serious
- self-important

Nom de plume:
- French meaning "not that plume, le fool!"
- French meaning "his flatulence leaves a trail, no?"
- French meaning "pen name"
Non compos mentis:
- Latin meaning "not compost material"
- Latin meaning "not tonight, I have gas"
- Latin meaning "not of sound mind"
Bien entendu:
- French meaning "of course"
- French meaning "yes, I have been intending to get around to that eventually"
- French meaning "yes, I have no bananas"
- a French thug
- a designer gown made in Paris
- a great place to find Mary Ann when she was able to ditch Gilligan
- a wheat farmer suffering post partem from the harvest
- debris from a shot-down MIG
- recurrent severe headache
Aequo animo:
- Latin meaning "with even mind"
- Latin meaning "sea horse"
- Latin meaning "I no see horse; what drugs you on?"
- Redneckspeak meaning "to hire"
- Redneckspeak meaning "looky, git yore backside ovah h'yar afore ah opens a can o' whupass on y'all.."
- Redneckspeak ta make the horse git'em up
- someone averse to the outdoors
- a nice place to be when she consents
- being privy to a secret
- Maine
- a lack of energy
- liquor with no umph
- acknowledgement of respect
- grits in a collective sense
- a union of prostitutes
Politically correct:
- collision of two limos in a motorcade
- writing or saying things that offend no one, save for those offended by totally boring writings and sayings
- knowing your candidates are all full of sh**

- what the optomotrist made of himself when he fell into the lens grinding machine
- miniscule fishing gear
- an attention-getting public display
- psychoanalysis of a paratrooper
- to render powerless
- "no honey, your butt's not getting fat" and "I was working late at the office"
- one of Halle's best features
- for the
- salt water flat fish

- of fate
- enunciation of a Bostonian mallard
- elementary particles believed to, in pairs, make up a hadron

- to avoid doing something
- pipe or channel that conveys a substance
- getting pranked by a water fowl
- to shoo away a rogue bovine
- to mix up
- to pursue a thread of logic that's tied in knots
- the first failed effort in creating a pizza
- having the quality of being excited or attractive
- sound generated by peeing on an electric fence, followed by other sounds

- sick of hearing about how "wholesome" Mary Ann is from Gilligan, I guess, and...
- a subtle dig at someone
- thin, brittle ginger cookie
- a recepticle shaped like a bong
- an abundance of idiots
- a made-up word that really should be officially recognized
- sound of ricochets from a drive-by shooting
- expensive, gaudy jewelry favored by rap artists
- from the Godfather: "Youse disrepect me heah an' badda boom badda bling bling, fuhggedaboudit!"
- tasteful
- stainless steel pellets substituted as bird seed
- a tree soliciting for a woodpecker

- a really sick kind of bread dough
- an Italian suppository
- a disparaging remark
- a person's idiot mode operates without prompting
- characteristic of a particular language
- a badly-designed handgun
Now go forth and cruciverbalize with confidence that you'll turn heads and get lots of "WTF?"s from family, friends and colleagues. Or in my case, just laughed at.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Vocabulary Builder II -- Are We Done Yet?

*Another from the cruciverbalist, lexicological archives of dubious antecedence and syntax*

After an apparent successful effort at vocabification for to help edumacate my readers -- and the blog wasn't stormed by the NEA or Reader's Digest -- I'm back for anuddah go at furthering cruciverbalism in the cyberland of the written woid.

This time out, I will focus on, though not exclusively, more obscure, infrequently used words. Words that ought not be forgotten, simply because you haven't heard anyone use them, and no one would know what you just said if you insert them into casual conversation with a four year old. Or, in the case of Washington, DC parents, your 18-30 year olds.

Sure, sure...they don't know any of these words, but they know all the short syllabled ones that allow them to follow along with gangsta rap lyrics:

- state trapped between Califorlornia and Washington state
- an instrument of thought or logic
- support grope for recovering organists (see what I just did there?)
- *special extra choice implied by a reader* six-fingered lad missed the 'G' spot again...

- something that's really..
- an air leak in a closed system
- upping the ante on a dare

- injury caused by a writing utensil
- a jury of peers in a writ of habeus penus
- eternal damnation (ie., what I'll get for those other two choices)

- country between Spain and the Atlantic
- goose your girlfriend
- recklessly wasteful

- an Asian plant with pink/white flowers
- what Nigerians try to do via email
- the art of political fund raising (where the Nigerians probably learned from)

- head gear for a sect of feline nuns
- a city in eastern Syria
- the natural home of an organism

- a specialty dish at Thanksgiving
- an obscenity in Azerbajani
- a gossip

Lapsus calami:
- Latin for "a slip of the pen"
- Latin for "licks squid"
- Latin for "I thought you were on the pill"

- a noxious emanation
- a disease afflicting dogs seeking the more comfy chair
- an overwhelming psychological urge to visit Graceland

- the simple precis of a Michael Moore mockumentary
- proper title for someone of non-royalty
- a look into the mind of a serial blonde

- an off-Broadway musical about the life and times of Dr. Sigmund
- a song from the bar scene in Star Wars
- composure in the face of aggravating circumstances

- the longest word in this entry
- a tinkling of bells
- someone tinkling on bells

- obstinate
- going into the wrong rest room
- when guys think widda "other" head

- what police try to elicit from eyewitnesses at a crime scene
- a nickname for someone who did a face plant on their keyboard
- a set of letters or characters in a particular design

- a really big friggin' Virginian
- a wine flavored with flatulent herbs
- to depart in haste, 'specially if chased by that big friggin' Virginian

- stupid insect
- substance used in doping a semi-conductor
- edible pants

- no alterations needed
- gesundheit
- a polecat

- a scarf used as a kleenex
- an acronym for Situation Naturally All Really F***ed
- a word someone made up

- fish eggs as a hors d'oeuvre
- served at funeral home parties
- a really nasty idea for road kill

- her torso
- what Elmer Fudd's spouse is in cwisis over...hahahahaha...(ducking boos and throwd items)
- trained to assist in child birth

I know you're glad that's over. But it ain't...Part III coming up...

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Vocabulary Builder I -- Words Are Mean Things

*Note: I ran a series of tongue-in-cheek vocabulary "builders" while writing for a newspaper back in '96-'00. I am condensing them, in my subjective opinion, to a 'best of the worst' from that series, with some updating included. You decide how my subjective opinionater thingee was workin' hyar...*
Early in my writing career, or so I dare fancy it, I found it timely to help many of you with what I'm sure was achieving one of your high-priorities in the New Year: tax evasion.
Just kidding, depending on who gets the White House.
Time marches on. Just as 2007 gave way to 2008, so too must we all further and refresh our education. Top on that list is the maintenance and expansion of our lexicological repertoire. With over 300,000 words in the current English language, and more being added yearly, this becomes more encumbent.
As with other lesser comparable excursions into the abyss of our linguistic heritage -- such as that practically unknowd publication, Reader's Digest and their substandard Word Power segment -- each of the following words is accompanied by several definitional choices. One is probably correct. More than one may be correct. Theoretically, all three may be correct. Or not. Depending on your level of educational and/or imaginative development, perhaps none of the three will be correct. You may have a sense of humor comparable to that of sheet rock or a door knob, and wonder why anyone would waste precious space and print on this silly exercise. You may wish to form a coalition of like-minded citizens to campaign against the outrageous behavior of this blogger, who seems to have the temerity to think that he can present something irreverent as educational, in a faux-funny format. You may even go so far as to petition for a constitutional amendment on your state's next election ballot, to prohibit such material from ever appearing in a publicly accessible format, ever again.
For the rest of you, enjoy the following exercise. For the few of you remotely akin to the above, piss up a rope:
- directions on how to get to Lerant
- forbearing
- an ant capable of playing in the NBA
- "sick" literature
- incapable of reading this (which may not be all that bad..)
- study of litter rates in Illinois
- broth made with limburger cheese
- teasing a skunk
- acting childish
- brand name deodorant made from compost
- something difficult to maintain during election cycles
- person that creates music for operas, symphonies, beer commercials, etc.
- redneck giraffes
- anomalies in a graph
- two-dimensional drawing of an object according to mathematical rules of projection
Tai Kwan Do:
- Eastern self-defense and spiritual philosophy that's hard on bricks and boards
- used to make tai kwan bread
- comdominium complex in Taiwan
- Ancient Carthaginian unit of measure accounting for age and weight
- what Elmer Fudd goes into evwy time he's outsmarted by that waskily wabbit
- salary or pay
- one of Homer Simpson's friends
- used to make minion rolls
- a governed country or territory
- to make less dense by dying her blonde hair brunette
- lightly cooked meat
- a hard-to-find stereo system
- a woman who sues after choice three
- a woman that sews
- a size 6 on a size 14 body
- exotic cigar made from cucumbers
- a slight offense
- how a chicken eats a pickle
- a trained, professional hibit
- not allow to do something, go somewhere, etc
- professional frog caller
- a former hibit
- a display
- an unknown hibit
- warning of an incoming hibit
- a trendy hibit
- self-conscious self-restraint
- French for "a narrow loaf"
- French for "call it le day"
- French for "wave ze white flag"
- what one does with a time capsule
- the dense interior of the Earth
- Dave Barry phobia
- a flying broom with cocktail service
- an elephant passing gas
- a saloon
- Hootie and the
- I know what you're thinking, you sick puppy
- a fish that inflates when it senses a the previous
- being a real pest
- a carriage emporium
- slang for sexual backdooring
- a process of distilling spirits
- a misuse of words
- aka, this whole entry
- a 900 number dedicated to taunting the caller
- a substandard pickle
- amateurish, not thorough
- really bland
- supernatural
- Scooby Do on Prozac
- a seaworthy Dorito
- small fleet of ships
- a runny tortilla
- groin..groin..gone...*rimshot or ducking throwd items*
- getting bigger
- physical depression between the belly and the thigh
Ignis Fatuus:
- Latin for "foolish fire"
- Latin for "lighting flatulence"
- Latin for "make mine well done"
- Redneck for "me an' th' missus"
- wander at random
- random wondering
- a point of zero current or voltage
- something he or she orta
- when both parents turn you down, you know you been
- first draft of an edict
- foretell
- screwed before you get started
- Coward
- the Christmas season
- a word with a politician in it: it has an "L", while saying it doesn't...
If you thought that was bad, wait'll you see Part II...