Monday, May 18, 2009

What Do You Get When You Cross...?

*from the cooking*

This is almost a true story. I say almost, so I can (hopefully) avoid a visit by the EPA, OSHA, and Martha Stewart.

Readers have oft-times heard about my serious dysfunction in the kitchen. Proof of which was recently renewed when I, while boiling water for pasta, set off the smoke alarms in my humble, suffering abode. Rumor has it that my smoke detectors are set to speed dial 911 anytime I get within 10 feet of the stove.
I'm here to tell you, it ain't a rumor ;-)

Despite a reputation from childhood for being Chef Boy R Deestructive, I still take occasional potluck shots at something different. Most recently, I took a shot at making a pie. After all, how hard can it be to make a pie? Hostess makes tons of 'em. So do Sara Lee, Marie Callendar's, and cows.

Years ago, a niece -- too young to grasp my absymal lack of culinary acumen -- once asked me "how do you make punkin pie?" My immediate response ("start out by getting it a math degree") got me a resounding *BONK* with a roll of Xmas wrapping paper from my sister, and I digress. So with the plan to make a pie in mind, I called the family expert on such things -- Ma. After being chided for not calling often enough, I asked her how she made a punkin pie. She told me, then casually asked why I wanted to know. I told her I was gonna make one. After a moment of stunned, deafening silence, she said "in that case, don't forget the fire hose".

Some kids' parents.

Last Christmas, a local radio sports show clown made mention of making "punkin pie in a can", using a Boboli pizza shell for the crust. Apart from cracking up his show co-hosts and horrifying Betty Crocker and Pizza Hut, one other unintended consequence resulted: I heard it, and had one of those tell-tale *TOING*s.

Now, one so void of culinary talent as I am, you'd think I'd steer soooooo clear of this idea. But I got to fauxthinking: what about the guy who invented pizza? Did he know what would result before he tried the first time? How worse off we'd all be, if innovators shied away from trying something new and different, because it was unfamiliar to them. All the great visionary ground breakers incur some risk enroute to great discoveries and creations.
Absolutely none of which applies here.

I went to my local grocery to purchase the necessary elements of my own ground-breaker, giving little thought to what it might do to the ground if I dropped it and it ate its way to the Earth's core. The store clerk -- she knows me on sight, and vociferously denies it to all within earshot -- raised an "oh, no" eyebrow at my combination on the conveyor belt before her, and dared to ask me what I was doing "this time":

Me: "I'm going to make a punkin pizza pie!"
Her: *rolled eyes*.."Gawd..."

Back home, I cleared the decks for action (aka, got all the other flammables out of combustile range), and began the laborious process of making one of my certifiable messes. I measured, mixed, beat, stirred, splattered, colorfully metaphored, prepped, and finally ladled my punkin pie mix atop the crust, careful not to let any of it spill on a hot surface in case it had explosive tendencies I hadn't reckoned on. Into the oven it went at 350 degrees, and I confidently set the timer for 60 minutes (chronology, not Mike Wallace).

Before the hour was up, I knew it was done: the smoke alarms were in full hue and cry, and I'd already opened the patio door to vent some of the billowing fog of culinary faux pas out, so's I could venture into what was left of the kitchen and see what I'd wrought.

It was done, alright. So might the ability of the self-cleaner on the oven to cope with the aftermath, but that's for later. Naturally, never one to leave well (done) enough alone, I had to sample it to see if the aroma was indicative of the taste.

Take my word for it; it was.

Thus I dubbed my once (and never again) creation, punkin pie con carnage. Kids, don't try this at home. Or in anyone elses'.


Blogger Stacy said...

Oy, some people just shouldn't go in the kitchen.

Happy Thanksgiving!

21 November, 2007 19:04  
Blogger Herb said...

Punkin Pie Con Carnage, eh? Well, if I see it in my grocer's freezer I'll pass it right on by.

22 November, 2007 05:30  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Thats rich. Meaning, funny! Happy Thanksgiving, Skunk!

22 November, 2007 08:33  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wasn't there a "warning" in the recipe "all ovens may differ, check pie during cooking, do not over cook?" I never go by the directions, I always check check check.

Of course, I've had my share of disasters, ... I learned that lesson the hard way.

Have a great Thanksgiving, my friend. God bless.

22 November, 2007 12:45  
Blogger Raggedy said...

Gobble Gobble
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
(=':'=) huggles
(")_ (")Š from
da Raggedy one

22 November, 2007 14:10  
Blogger Hale McKay said...

Lawd, that was funny. I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

23 November, 2007 20:49  
Blogger Mayden' s Voyage said...


"Fauxthinker" :) LOL- I love a new word when I see one :)

Merry Christmas Mr. Skunk- it has been a joy to meet you this year :)

18 December, 2008 16:29  
Blogger Little Lamb said...

Remind me, if we ever have something homemade to eat together, let me do the cooking.

18 December, 2008 18:27  
Blogger Da Pixie said...

*Sniff* How can you live without home-cooking? I could NEVER live without Mama Mayden's food. And what do you survive on? If it's McDonalds and T.V. dinners, just lie to me and say some other Pixie from Australia cooks for you.


18 December, 2008 18:54  
Blogger Right Truth said...

At least you try to cook. My hubby won't lift a finger, even at work. I cook extra and prepare it in sealed plastic bowls. All he has to do is stick it in the microwave and heat it up. But that's too difficult for him. (He's not a stupid man, he just doesn't WANT to do it for himself. Rather be waited on.) But he's a keeper and has no real faults, and he loves me and I love him ...

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth</a

18 December, 2008 22:39  
Blogger Skunkfeathers said...

Pixie: I cannot lie to a Pixie. I subsist on TV dinners, microwaved stuff, and delivered pizza/chinese food ;) No deliveries from Australian pixies (you're the only 'Pixie' I know, and besides, it's a bit far for an Aussie pixster to carry a bucket of KFC for me, me thinks).

I can make a passable cup of coffee, though ;)

19 December, 2008 08:29  
Blogger gal artist said...

Well I know you ain't allowed near MY kitchen, LOL.

18 May, 2009 07:08  
Blogger Serena said...

Don't feel bad. I can't cook worth a darn, either. Since the local firemen aren't looking so great these days, I've reinvented myself as The Microwave Queen. It works pretty well, and I've only had one quasi-fire. Actually, it was more like sparks, but you get my drift.:)

18 May, 2009 16:41  
Blogger Seane-Anna said...

You set the smoke alarm off by boiling water?! Skunky! Anyway, congrats on your "punkin pie con carnage". Can't wait for your next culinary masterpiece. *ss*

18 May, 2009 18:55  
Blogger Seane-Anna said...


I CAN cook pretty darn good, even if I say so myself. If you lived in my neck of the woods, Skunky, I'd invite you over for my awesome Chicken Ole. Yummy!

18 May, 2009 18:58  
Blogger Cheffie-Mom said...

You need to check out some of my quick and easy recipes - anyone can cook! Have a super day!

19 May, 2009 08:45  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rumor has it that my smoke detectors are set to speed dial 911 anytime I get within 10 feet of the stove.

This was great post, even if your pumpkin pizza wasn't. Maybe it is your oven that is off!
PS Thanks for your very kind remarks over at my place!

19 May, 2009 09:58  
Blogger Right Truth said...

Blame whoever came up with the idea of a pizza crust for pumpkin pie.

Debbie Hamilton
Right Truth

19 May, 2009 13:44  
Blogger Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, how did I miss this genius post??? I'm in stitches!!!!! Fantastic!!! You have a comedic gift! I wish one of the awards I handed out fit you...but I already gave my comic award out before I met you!!!! I guess I'll have to wait for another one...Cheers!!! Your story was perfect!!! ~Janine

21 May, 2009 10:18  

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