Friday, March 17, 2006

Ahmerikan Eyedull -- Cruciverbiologyonics

I'm sure versions of this have been written about ad nauseum all over Cyberville; but heretofore, not by me.

I'm pretty good with words. I'm very good at misusing them tactically and strategically, especially with email scamsters. But I must admit: I got nuthin' on these bulk mailers.

Nuthin'. They know and string words like I never thunk to. More on that in a mo'.

Checking one of my email accounts, I had 36 new inbox entries in a day; 34 of them from 34 different names, with the same general message "Agents Compete For Your Refi". I really ought to tell 'em that I rent an apartment; but do they really care? I think they're competing for 'most bizarre word string in cyberland'.

First, I had two oddball emails: the first was from Eric Adamsen, who writes in the subject line, "Spending Their Time Online". In the text is the simple, clear and concise message "get a fack buddy", followed by a totally gibberished website listing. I'll put that right at the bottom of my list of things to do in 2030. I might need a fack buddy by then, if I remember what it was like to fack...

Next, I had a genuine 'phishing' email: Chase Bank Online SM Service (banks offer THAT now adays, too?:O ) announce Chase Online SM and Bank One Online are coming together (I know countless partners who wish they could as well) ! Please update yous account(s) today! I thought about clicking in and entering a bogus account, but eh...

Now to the 34 aforementioned offers to have them agents compete for my refi! I found it amusing that, as I examined each message (yes, I have no life to speak of, so I can do this), the top half of the message was basically the same: This is the final notice (my ass it is) You have been selected for our lowest rate in years, even if you have a bad credit histree (mwhahaha) You could get over $420,000 for as little as $400 a month!

All I hadda do was click on the accompanying link, and let the phishers try and get my vitals.

But I was more drawn to what followed: the absolutely nonsensical word strings. Though, not all of them were totally nonsensical. As I read each of the 34 messages (told you I had no life), I found some that were almost profound, in a bang-your-head-against-something-solid-awhile kinda way.

The scholarly pet rock Seymour and his better half earette of corn, Jane, saw where this was headed, and immediately volunteered their *expertise*...

Since I selected what, in my opinion, were some of the more inspired strings, I am really obligated to credit the fictional persons who were purported to have sent these emails from Madison Avenue's CyberUnWashed Armpit of Advertising Online ( , or wherever it is this sh...stuff is sent from. Better still -- and to let the rock and corn participate -- let's run the first-ever version of Ahmerikan Eyedull: Cruci..Cruvi..Ah (expletive deleted) It..Werdsmyth. I can be a fair-minded pri..judge of good word strings, just like Simon Scowl, that one pri...judge on American Idol. I'm more dubious about Seymour in this role, but ready or not, here we go:

James Holley includes in his message "herculean cony TRY IT terminus sophistry stunk eastwood dart consume TRY IT stammer brat fugue siesta midget attorney (I almost fell out of my chair on that 'un..) chickweed xenophobia chapel". (but other than the midget attorney, it was basic gibberish...James, you

Raymond Davis offers up " counterintuitive it's cherry ham snort okinawa on abyss see lummox". (Sorry, Ray, but *yawn* suck at this...ouch, Seymour..easy on the

Eduardo Fuentes counters with "massacre it's debutante be emasculate some cherokee bisque some lower the blow". (seems Eduardo has some issues...any psychoanalysis-types out there? Tell Eduardo when he's back on his medication that he sucks at

Marciela Pitts is much more earthy with "be channel and brood but criss consort it a mailbox may washbowl its hymn of bowel". (good thing there was nuthin' in there about specific religions...gits folks all twitterpated, it do..we might let Marciela hang to Round 2..then again, I don' need no fatwahs decreed on my first show...ah, Jane beat me to the *Sucks*

Marshall Smith took a more cerebral approach with "sheer locutor a bobby lipschitz afford cartesian see mop smoothbore hyperextend details". (are you getting some good karmic flow yet? Good...neither am I...whoa, Seymour...that button isn't made of armor...Marshall's off to

Dye (that's all) was most likely into rap with "its on on on be a some see in see in, see may not in try and or its a and but or not" (it did little to change my opinion of rap, but I digress, and Dye is the William Hung of this episode, sucking all sorts of things not meant to be so...there was nearly a three-way collision trying to hit the *Sucks* button this

Regally titled Renee Q. Rutherford V was of the more profound with "Toyota, on the other hand, practically glows in the eyes of American dermatologists, which can cost as much as top shortstops". (all I ever got from Toyota was a car....) I consider her in the top three...Seymour seems to agree; Jane's more grudging about it, and now's doggin' my ass for a name upgrade..sheesh.

Iris Cooper -- a closet Italian -- proclaims widda gusto "subterfuge not spumoni may puddly the jitterbug atwitched" (so Iris, don' let da friggin' jitterbug drink da spumoni foist, y'knowadda mean? Jane says suck your spumoni and next...)

Harley Tyler is obviously Southern with his "alabamian try bedpost decertify in grits". (yes, I'm looking for some place now to bang MY head....Seymour, crush the *Sucks* button and NEXT...)

Denise Redmond is obviously of a northeastern media background as she "try butt fuzz colonist whig but crucify codfish viewpoint with horsehair". (I wasn't aware codfish had suddenly replaced Dubya as the object of their crucifyin', unless the codfish was a card carryin' almost knocked off Ms Regalbutt for third, but Seymour and Jane vied for the *Sucks* button; Jane won and NEXT)

Tammi Mathews almost won my top award here with "roast may cackle in doltish derriere of officialdom", but I hate the image this puts in my mind the next time I go to Stuart Anderson's restaurant... (Seymour's convulsed, and even Jane is grinning at this one...Second Place...Next)

Finally -- and I think my choice for champion -- is Karla Perry, for this truly profound word string and obfuscational rant "filch a reliant germicide lamb it's kibbutzim in a bookcase and try woo in cereal send marmot chiropractor".

A moment, please, as I insu..consult my fellow judges (Seymour and Jane are arguing about recounts, redos...oh hell, now Seymour wants to compete...Seymour, you're a judge, not a contestant this time...Jane, assuage the pouty rock and let's get to the winner).....


Much as they all were 'winners' in their own peculiar ways, this episode of Ahmerikan Eyedull is....KARLA PERRY!

You can only hope this dingb...champion is an elementary school teacher somewhere, teaching 5 year olds the basucks of spelin.

Unless you really value real education, then...get your kids out of that public school district, fast.

Oh well. Now, wasn't that fun? Doesn't it make you want to kiss off AI for my version of AE? Let's have a show of hands: Who's in for American Idol? *Seymour's counting* Who's in for for another round of Ahmerikan Eyedull? A show of hands....feet...anything...



Blogger Herb said...

You are the only person I know who can make spam interesting. Well, my mom used to make a Spam casserole, but I digress. This is great stuff. You are on my blogroll ring of favorites.

18 March, 2006 05:31  
Blogger Vickie said...

Just wanted to say thanks for stoping by at Monica's request and for your kind words. By the way, I have a small amount of custoday of Seymour. Monica gets me in the custody between her and Brian and Monica shares part of Seymour I figure that I might have just a tiny amount of Seymour...that is my logic and I'm sticking with it. :)

18 March, 2006 19:12  
Blogger Miss Cellania said...

Fun with Spam! Which I don't see much, since I have awesome free spam filters (yahoo and gmail). This post makes me want to go look ay that stuff!

20 March, 2006 01:59  

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