Monday, February 27, 2017

Sumpin Else Is Daid Too

South Park's Eric Cartman once had a curious dissertation about rainbows, what they did and why he hated them.

Kenneth Donald may find hisself in agreement with Cartman shortly.

Mr. Donald sent me this curious email:


Mrs Habibah Fenyang died sometime now

 It is my humble
self to introduce my self to you as Mr Donald Kenneth. I used to be
the personal assistant
to Mrs Habibah Fenyang.

The news now is that she died some time now. She died of cancer
infection. She made me to understand before her demise that her
Estate/Fund amounting to $118,000,000 has been
on due process to be transferred to you as the beneficiary.i want to
use this opportunity to inform you that there is a new development in
the transfer of the $118,000,000 dollars from GTbank UK to your
account due to security reasons.

The management of GTbank UK in conjuncture with the British monetary
authority has instructed the Regional global bank United State to
process your fund transfer valued the
sum of $118,000,000 dollars via their online system of banking.

As at 17th,Nov, 2016. as at 1:21pm (GMT), i received a
message from the
GTbank informing me that they have sent a REFERENCE/PAYMENT INSTRUCTION
LETTER to the management of Regions Global Bank United State with an
authorization to
initiate your inheritance transfer upon proper documentation.

You are therefore advised to await an update message from the
Management of Regions
Global Bank United State Of America or you can as well contact them on
the below contact
details.

Regions Global Bank.
318 E Main St,Siloam Springs,
Arkansas, 71601 United State
Email:
info@regionsglobal.cu.cc
reglobalbk@accountant.com
Phone: +1 (817) 591-4724
            +1 (561) 320-1437
            +1 (561) 320-1478.

Henceforth, i Mr Donald will be communicating with you from UK
according to the instruction given to me by late Mrs Habibah Fenyang.
May her gentle soul rest in peace, Amen.

You can as well call me on my direct phone number +447042059494 or
send an email to me on
donaldkenneth40@gmail.com.

Kindly get back to me as soon as you have open a contact with the Bank.

Mr Donald Kenneth
+447042059494  


Being the sort that I am, I got right on that...with an edit:


Mrs Flying Habibat Humanitoid Fenyang died sometime now then later earlier...WTF, she daid


It is my humble self to introduce my self to you as Mr Donald Kenneth, a conubial
personal assistant to Mrs Flying Habibat Humanitoid Fenyang.

The news now is that she died some time now. There may be more news on this
later.  She died of crapping herself to bits after mistaking a box of Exlax for
Ghiradelli Holiday Chocolates Collection.  Never one for reading labels and
understanding words contextually, she could confuse endorphin and enema
with the ease of a low information democrap not knowing what the definition
of "is" is.  Kinda like when they hired a low information contractor from Ellendale
to build outhouses in Nigeria, only to have them converted to fly infested internet
cafes.
She made me to understand before her demise that her Estate/Fund amounting
to $118.00 has been on The View and was flattened by Whoopi Goldbrick when
she sat on it.
 I want to abuse this opportunity to inform you that there is a new development in
the $118.00 now wedged in Goldbrick's ass:  the management of GTbank UK in
collusion with the Clinton Globull Crimedation has instructed the Regional United State
to fetch the $118.00 from the cleft of Goldbrick's ass, rinse it off, and give it to you
in the form of tickets to the Hellary Defeat Snatched From The Jaws of Victory
pity party on January 20, 2017.

As at 17th,Nov, 2016. as at 1:21pm (GMT), i received a message from the GT bank
informing me that they have sent a cyber Pokémon character to stand outside the
entrance to the Regions Global Bank United State along with a hidden camera so
they can watch people on their cell phones gather by the throng and walk into
traffic and sh*t trying to capture the little bastard.

You are therefore advised to await an update message from the janitorial staff
of Regions Global Bank United State Of America or you can as well contact them on
the below contact details.

Regions Global Bank.
318 E Main St, Siloam Springs,
Arkansas, 71601 United State
Email:
info@regionsglobal.cu.cc
reglobalbk@accountant.com
Phone: +1 (817) 591-4724
            +1 (561) 320-1437
            +1 (561) 320-1478.

Henceforth, i Mr Donald will be communicating with a trained wart hawg
with the psychic ability of a door knob to seek guidance to impart to you
from UK according to the instruction given to me by late Mrs Flying Habibat
Humanitoid Fenyang.  May her illiterate soul never see the studio of
Wheel of Fortune.  Amen.

You can as well call me on my direct phone number +447042059494 or
send an email to me on
donaldkenneth40@gmail.com.

Kindly get back to me as soon as you have open a contact with the Bank.

Mr Donald Kenneth
+447042059494
 

Meanwhile, it is assumed that Mrs Whatzername is still daid.  If Whoopi sat on her, count on it.

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Friday, February 24, 2017

Where NOT To Go For Help With The Future

Some folks simply don't know enough to leave well enough alone when it comes to the future.

Aside from the scammer pictured here, there's another scammer that sought to ask my character for help with her future.  Read it here:


Good day,How are you doing?I hope you are doing great.Please,i need your guidance to save my future. My name is Miss Josephine  Mcmore. I am a United nations refugee in Ghana. I lost my parents in the Mali civil war in 2012 and since then I have been without a family nor guardian.My late fathers name is Ambrose Mcmore,he was a farmer and a Gold Miner  before his death.

 Last week I received a package from my dads lawyer with some documents that reads deposit of Gold and Money as family valuables with a financial institution in Ghana The content of the family valuable deposited on my behalf as the next of kin is 38,000,000.00 U S D and 12Kilos of Gold. When I was going through searching online this morning, I saw your contact  there,so I decided to email you.

 I am rather too young to handle this kind of business and I don't know what to do or how to go about it.

Please can you help me? Can I confide in you? I cant go telling everybody about this and I believe that dads friends will be trusted.If you can be of assistance to me ,i will offer 15% of the money I will most sincerely appreciate your swift positive response.May God touch your heart and use you to bring back happiness and joy in my life, Please write me on my Email: miss.josephine59@yahoo.com
Yours Faithfully.

Miss Josephine
   


She appears to have thought twice about it once reading my character's reply:


Save your future?  I can do this.  You see, I am a practicing psychic.  I predicted the war of 1812 in 1612 thanks to Nostradumbass and his quatrains that usually ran 30 plus minutes late.  
 
 
I knew that the American Civil War would be fought over northern abhorrence to -- and Southern pride over -- grits, and I knew this an hour before the first shots were drank.  I knew of the coming crash in 1929 because I'd loosened the brakes on Doc Farump's manure pick up truck. 
 
 
I knew that an alien U-boat would sink the Titanic, causing World War I to break out over a misbehaving app on an exploding Galaxy 7 note pad long before Tony Newman traveled back from the time tunnel and managed to cramp his lines about being born in 1938, when only two episodes later he was 6 in 1941. 
 
 
 I knew that a reality TV business magnate would be elected president in 2016 because the opposing party ran the worst pants suit to ever come down a runway, veer off the concrete and get stuck in the mud with a balky email server that Wikileaks, the Russians, and the kumquats of Uranus were reading while cnn and msnbc were haplessly illiterate on the subject. 
 
 
I knew that Algore didn't invite the internet, save the polar bears and wasn't the subject of Love Story before he claimed to be; I also knew he'd invent man-bear-pig on South Park years later.  I knew the answer to if a sheep is a ram and a donkey an ass, why that made a ram in the ass a goose, long before the question was asked.  I know why "Noel" has an "L" in it. 

And I know the future of this email exchange like the back of my hand I should give you. 

The future?  Oh.....I can tell you about the future, even better than Doc Brown. 
 
 
I knew there weren't no bridges still up even when Oddball thought he'd found a mother beautiful bridge that was there until he found it, and then it wasn't.  See what sending out those negative waves did Moriarty?  I did, long before Moriarity sent 'em.

What aspects of your future are you interested in?  Money?  Love? Career?  Travel?  Painful rectal itch?  An audition on The Gong Show?  You have but to ask...and I have but to prognosticate, which is best done with the lights low in private, where a triciploplotz can't cue on motion it cannot see without its glasses.
 
 
  All has returned to that as it was before.  Many such journeys are possible.  Dealer prep and options extra.
Being a psychic, I already know how I can be of assistance.  And I know if you'll ask thus of me; I won't hold your bed wetting against you, since we won't be in the same bed.   
 
 
Are YOU surprised that Ms Josephine didn't respond? 
 
Neither was I.
 
Gee, maybe I'm psychic after all?
 
*Seymour, your pet rock here:  "PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"*
 
Now I know I must be psychic; I knew that was coming, too.

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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A Pet Rock's Editing Campaign on Kim Jong Un Unabated

My pet rock, Seymour, vows he'll not relent on editing Kim Jong Un until Kim joins Il Sung and Jong Il in the dirt napping department.

Un certainly seems willing to give Seymour all he can edit.

Like this latest snippet from a world recognized news source, reporting that Kim Jong Un has been deadly to North Korean government employees.  Seymour's first reaction was "well, DUH!"

Followed by this edit:

Kim Jong Un Killed Hundreds Of Government Leaders Because (he says) of Job Creation...and Because He's An Asshole


By Seymour PetRock – WTFNS



North Korea's Kim Jong Un  has been a “number one job creator” according to him, by having killed hundreds of government officials since taking office five years ago, Korean media anonymously reported Thursday, not wanting to wind up on the list. With each deposed government official, he argues that he has created two jobs and has “the best unemproyment pran in arr the worrd”, which prompted the puppet Lisa from TAWP to ask him to say that again.


That pissed him off, prompting him to schedule 340 more government officials for what Kim Jong Un refers to as “premature retirement”. Un continues defending his control over the reclusive nation by threatening to attack Seoul, Washington, Uranus, Liechtenstein (he accused them of stealing his missing submarines) and the Centers For Fat Koreans Control with a fledging arsenal of nuclear farts, fueled by weapons grade kimshi. 


His victims vary from translators and Hans Brix to members of his own family. In one instance that made global headlines, Kim ordered the death of his uncle-in-law Jang Song Thaek after Kim's cheeseburger order was fouled up. In another instance, Defense Minister Hyon Yong Chol was killed suddenly in 2015 for purchasing military equipment from Acme Corporation, the same one that regularly supplies Wiley Coyote in his quest for cornish Road Runner hen. 


Kim is a third-generation twerp of dubious and increasingly blubbered antecedence. He took the reigns in North Korea on Dec. 30, 2011, after his father was gored by an German military Imperial helmet on Team America World Police and departed Earth as an alien cockroach. He rules the Korean Workers' Party with diet and authoritative flatulence that few can go, according to reports.

"There were 3 [purged or executed] in 2012, more than 30 in 2013, greater than 40 in 2014, and a whole crapload more in 2015," Yonhap reported. "The numbers show Kim Jong Un is an asshole."

Roughly 140 of those killed stayed dead, according to a Saturday Night Live re-enactment of the nightly news. One official, for example, was killed in August when a life sized Hellary Clinton pantsuit was sat on him on Kim's orders after he fell asleep in a meeting.

Earnest T. Bass, a deceased character from The Andy Griffith Show, told one of the fake news clods at CNN  that Kim had demonstrated an "extreme failure to communicate" while in office. 


At the same time, Kim has directed mass amounts of the impoverished nation's budget toward  developing McDonaldesque cheeseburgers and getting him a prominent role in a Team America World Police sequel. He has spent roughly $300 million on the former and $500 million on the latter.

Kim also likes to remind North Koreans of his absolute power. He earmarked $180 million in spending toward the construction of 460 monuments honoring his expanding butt cheeks pressed in concrete to honor his regime. 

"Kim is continuing to be a despotic douche canoe," said Kelly Bobbitt, a political science professor at the Berkeley School of Obola Applied Executive Odors, in August. "The charges are obviously the result of Wikileaks dumps of Russian hacks of Hellary emails from her unprotected server, and this is how sh*t pretty much works in the DNC as well."  


Yes, Seymour is making a career of Kim Jong Un.  One that won't net him a Pulitzer, but might get him a selfie through the window.

"Will NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

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Saturday, February 18, 2017

Royal Bank of Canada..Gets T&Ped

Oh, those characters in Canada.

Especially when it comes to South Park's depiction of them.

So when one of my characters got a scam email from the Royal Bank of Canada, it made sense to respond with something contemporarily recognizable.

First, the gist of the received email:


(RBC) ROYAL BANK OF CANADA.
200 BAY STREET,22ND FLOOR,
SOUTH TOWER TORONTO, ON M5J 2J5
CANADA

DEAR CUSTOMER.

THE ROYAL BANK OF CANADA CONTROLLING DEPARTMENT CONTROLLING OF THE  SECURITY TRANSFER CODE WHICH IS (RBC/02/13/17), THE AUTHENTICATION
SECTION CODE OF THIS BANK CONCLUDES THE VERIFICATION OF YOUR FILE.
AFTER GOING THROUGH ALL THE DOCUMENTS OF CLAIM RECEIVED BY THIS
DEPARTMENT WITH JUSTIFICATION AND VERIFICATION FROM THE GLOBAL
STRATEGY CANADA WE ARE COMPLETELY SATISFIED AND YOU HAVE BEEN
CONFIRMED.

THE ROYAL BANK OF CANADA CONCERNING WIRE TRANSFERS OF YOUR FUNDS. YOUR  LETTER HAS BEEN REFERRED TO THE (JMCB) LEGAL DIVISION FOR FUNDS  US$12,000,000,000.00 (TWELVE BILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS)
TRANSFERRED CODE. (RBC/108/118/17). WE ARE SATISFIED USING ELECTRONIC
WIRE TRANSFER OR SWIFT WIRE TRANSFER AND THE RIGHTS AND LIABILITIES OF  USING OF ELECTRONIC AND SWIFT FUND TRANSFER SYSTEMS ARE DEFINED BY THE  ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER ACT. THE REGULATION, HOWEVER, WHICH  IMPLEMENTS THIS STATUTE, 12 C.F.R. PART 205, REGULATION E.
SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT ITS PROVISIONS ARE INAPPLICABLE TO A
SITUATION SUCH WE MUST ENSURE YOUR FUNDS TRANSFERRED TO YOUR
DESTINATION BANK ACCOUNT BETWEEN SHOURS.  



I'm sure that last wasn't a typo; it was just the Queen's FrenchCanadianlish. 

Anyway, the demanded fee to be paid for this Canadian largess was $260 USD, to be wired to some dunce cap in Louisiana, of all places.

Wahl...it was time for a South Parkesque edit:


From: CEO: Canadian Scott The Dick <bertolottiangelo@alice.it>
Sent: Monday, February 13, 2017 5:42 PM
Subject: (RBC) RILED BUNK OF CANADA.

 
(RBC) RILED BUNK OF CANADA.
200 BAY STREET,22ND FLOOR,
SOUTH TOWER TORONTO, ON M5J 2J5
CANADA

FRIENDS OF THOSE JERKS TERRENCE & PHILIP.

THE RILED BUNK OF CANADA SAYS TO ALL FRIENDS OF TERRENCE AND
PHILIP THAT YOU'RE ALL DICKS.
NO I'M NOT...YOU ARE.
GAWDDAMN IT I SAID NO I'M NOT...YOU ARE!!!

THE RILED BUNK OF CANADA DOESN'T GIVE A SH*T ABOUT BANKY THINGS
LIKE WIRE TRANSFERS, DEPOSITS, CD, ANNUITIES, SAVINGS, 401KS AND
SH*T LIKE THAT.  THE ONE AND ONLY THING I CARE ABOUT IS TO CLEARLY
AND FINALLY ESTABLISH, ONCE AND FOR ALL, THAT TERRENCE AND PHILIP --
NOT ME -- ARE THE DICKS.

NO I AM NOT A DICK YOU ASSHOLE!  THEY ARE!!!  YOU ARE!!!  I AM NOT!!!
I HAD THE SOUTH PARK VERSION OF SADDAM HUSSEIN COVERTLY PASS THE
FOLLOWING STATUTE ELECTRONIC FUND TRANSFER ACT. THE REGULATION,
HOWEVER, WHICH IMPLEMENTS THIS STATUTE, 12 C.F.R. PART 205,
SPECIFICALLY STATES THAT ITS PROVISIONS ARE INAPPLICABLE TO
ANYONE WHO IS NOT A DICK.  AND I AM NOT A DICK, THEY ARE.

NO I'M NOT, YOU GAWDDAMNED ASSHOLE!!!
 CONSIDERING THE VOLUME OF YOU ASSHOLES WRITING TO CALL ME A DICK, THANKS
TO TERRENCE, PHILIP AND THEIR ASSHOLE CREATORS, I, CANADIAN SCOTT, AM
DECLARING WAR ON ALL OF THOSE DICKS AND ALL OF YOU DICKS THAT KEEP
CRANK CALLING ME TO CALL ME A DICK.

"Is this Scott from Canada?  YOU'RE A DICK!!!"

GAWDDAMNIT, NO I AM NOT!!!!!  TERRENCE AND PHILIP ARE!!!!

RILED BUNK OF CANADA HEREBY STATE OFFICIALLY THAT ALL OF YOU THAT ARE
DICKS THAT ARE CALLING ME A DICK ARE HEREDICKS AND ARE BANNED FROM
ENTERING THE CONFINES OF SOUTH PARKIAN CANADA FOR THE REST OF THE
SHOW'S UNNATURAL LIFE!!!  NO DICKS IN CANADA, SO I HAVE TO MOVE.

NO GAWDDAMN IT....TERRENCE AND PHILIP, YOU'RE THE DICKS, NOT ME!!!
I AM NOT!!!!!
I AWAITS YOUR URGENT RESPONSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT TERRENCE AND PHILIP ARE THE DICKS, AND NOT ME.  IF YOU DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT, YOU'RE A DICK.  NO,  YOU ARE.  I AM NOT, YOU ARE! 
GAWDDAMN IT, I AM NOT, YOU DICK HOSER!!!
THROUGH AN ATTORNEY IN USA -- MOST OF WHOM ARE DICKS -- SEND ME MONEY TO PAY FOR YOUR HAVING SUPPORTED TWO FARTING CARTOON CHARACTERS THAT HAVE MADE THE WORLD THINK THAT I, AND NOT THEY, AM A DICK:

RECEIVER:NAME:======= CANADIAN SCOTT THE DICK (NO I'M NOT!!!)
COUNTRY=============CANADA
ADDRESS:==========1125 FULLOFSH*T DRIVE CANADA CITY, CANADA
AMOUNT: ========$260 CANADIAN DOLLARS ONLY

AFTER SENT THE MONEY FILL THE BELOW DETAILS FOR PICK UP AND DO NOT THEREIN
CALL OR REFER TO ME AS A DICK:

REFERENCE# NUMBER.......
SENDER'S NAME.......
SENDER'S ADDRESS......

YOU ARE REQUIRE TO GET BACK TO ME WITH CONFIRMATION THAT YOU MADE UP
FOR ALL THESE YEARS OF ABUSE FROM TERRENCE AND PHILIP CALLING MY PHONE
AT ALL HOURS TO CALL ME A DICK, WHEN IT'S THEM AND NOT ME THAT'S A DICK.
YES IT IS!!!  I AM NOT A DICK YOU ASSHOLE!!!

THIS LAW PASSED BY CARTOON SADDAM IS STATED ACCORDING TO SECTION 35 AND
36 THAT I, CANADIAN SCOTT, AM NOT A DICK.  GO READ IT FOR YOURSELF!!!!   THAT'S
WHAT IT SAYS!!!!!!  I AM NOT A GAWDDAMNED DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!
STOP CALLING ME A DICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CEO: CANADIAN SCOTT THE DICK (I AM NOT!!!!)
CHAIRMAN, CHIEF EXECUTIVE DICK (AM NOT!!!!!!!!!)
CHIEF EXECUTIVE DICK (AM NOT GAWDDAMN IT!!!!!!) RILED BUNK OF CANADA

What would come as no great surprise, the originating scammer had no response to this edit.
 
He probably thinks that Canadian Scott is a dick, too.


 

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Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Online Job Scams -- The Love Boat It Ain't

My character got an online job offer from Princess Cruise Lines Australia.

Uh huh.

The "cruise line" -- with emphasis unknowingly on "line" -- needs gullible people to think they're getting a really cushy job down under.

And when they pay the processing fees, they find themselves SS Minnowed.

My pet rock, Seymour -- who claims to have spent time as ballast on the Nina, the Pinta or the Stinky -- thought he had the perfect edit for this scam job email.  Perhaps Captain Bligh will agree.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

Uh...that wasn't the Captain or Tennille.  At any rate, here's the job "offer" as received:

Princess Cruise Line Australia Office
393 Gympie Road Kedron
4031 WA 6007 Australia 
 
Website: www.princess.com.au   
 
JOB ID: PCL /AU /00445-16
 
Mail your CV TO (c) Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com       

Complements of the season; We want to inform you that we are hiring candidates to fill the available positions in our company Princess Cruise Line [Gympie Road Kedron QLD WA 393 Australia
]
It’s Princess Cruise Line policy not to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of RACE, COLOR, RELIGION, SEX, NATIONAL ORIGIN, AGE, DISABILITY, MARITAL OR VETERAN STATUS.

TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

1. Accommodation                Provided by company

2. Ticket to Australia           Provided by company (Including during Vacation)

3. Medical                              provided by company.

4. Transportation                 provided by company.

5. Working hours                  8a.m----5p.m [Mon--Fri]

6. Vacation                            60 days every year

7. Salary                                 USD $25 per hour (USD $5700 Per Month)

8. Contract                             6 months, 1 year & 2 years

9. Extra time                         USD $31 per hour

10. Insurance and Pension   According to Australia Labour laws


the management will secure a visa/working permit for any qualified applicant. VISA FEE, ACCOMMODATION & FLIGHT TICKET will be paid by the company
 
Do you have a dream working in Australia? We have more than 220 different positions available, Junior Auditor, Accountant, Controller, Computerized Accounting, Staff Accountant, Salon Manager, Assistant Salon Manager, Beautician, Hair Stylist, Message Therapist, Aerobic and Fitness Instructors, Casino Manager, Assistant Casino Manager, Casino Dealer, Minister, Rabbi, Cruise Staff, Gentlemen Dance Host, Youth Activities Coordinator, Fitness Instructor, Hostess, Administrative Assistant, Safety Officer, Security Personnel, Radio Officer ,Deck Utility man, Deck Hand, Deck Cadet, Chief Engineer, Staff Chief Engineer, First Engineer, Second Engineer, Third Engineer, Junior Third Engineer, Hotel Service Engineer, Chief Electrical Engineer
Electrical Engineer, Electronic Engineer, Electronic Engineer Junior, Engine Storekeeper, (Engine Utility Man) Guest Entertainer, Production Manager, Food and Beverage, Assistant Food and Beverage Director, Restaurant Manager, Head Waiter Waitress, Jr. Waiter, Dining Room Manager, Dining room Waiter Waitress, Dining room Buffet Man, Restaurant Hostess, Bar Manager, Assistant Bar Manager, Bar Supervisor, Assistant Bar Supervisor, Bar Accountant, Bar Waiter Waitress, Bartender, Bar Steward & Stewardess, Snack Steward Stewardess, Bar Utility, Bar Boy, Buffet Steward & Stewardess, Gift Shop Manager, Assistant Shop Manager, Retail Sales Person, Florist Computer Technician, Junior Assistant Purser, Crew Purser, Assistance Crew Purser, Receptionist, Guest Service Coordinator, Guest Service Associate, Hotel Assistant, Housekeeper, Floor Supervisor, Head Room Steward, Cabin Steward Stewardess, Assistant Cabin Steward Stewardess, Bell Boy, Utility Cleaner, Human Resources Manager, Training and Development Manager, Crew Staff Administration, Crew Staff Administration Assistant, Shipboard information Systems Manager, Coordinator Computer Desktop Applications, Computer Accounting Applications, Computer Maintenance, Computer Applications, Computer System Hardware Technician, Computer System Administration Manager, Internet Manager, Chief Doctor, Crew Doctor, Nurse Practitioner, Chief Nurse, Nurse Photo Manager, Assistant Photo Manager, Photographer, Junior Photographer.
 
In other to be considered for any of the positions, we need the following from you:
 
1.    Cover letter (1 page maximum).
 
2.    Curriculum Vitae (Resume).
 
3.    Certificate and reference letters.
 
4.    Available date.
 
5.      Passport or National Id number.
 
6.      Position applying for. 
 
Thanks & Regards
 
Management                 

Princess Cruise Line
Princess Cruise Line Australia

Needless to say, that ain't what it resembled when it went back to the prospective "employers":


From: cruisemarmotbarsoffer@daum.net on behalf of Cruise Bestiality Lines Info
Sent: Sunday, December 25, 2016 3:36 PM
To: Princesscruiselineapplication@yandex.com
Subject: Tom Cruise Admits Slyentoxity is Scam Job Vacancy


Jester Cruise Line Australia Office
393 Barbie Getting Shrimped Road Kedron
4031 WA 6007 Australia
Website: www.wankerposeidonedonus.arg
JOB ID: PCL /WTF /00445-16
Mail your cockamamie app TO (c) Princesscruisejobapplication@yandex.com

Complements of the season; this season our complement is what's a bloody wog like you doing applying in a whacking great cockup like this? We want to inform you and anything that looks like you that we are soliciting candidates to fill the available positions in our fauxcompany Jester Cruise Line [Barbie Getting Shrimped Road Kedron QLD WA 393 Australia]
It’s Jester Cruise Line policy to discriminate against any employee or applicant for employment because of about any ruddy reason we bloody well make up, wanker.



TERMS AND CONDITIONS:
1. Accommodation We're a f**king cruise line, not a landlord, Douche Canoe
2. Ticket to Australia Provided by the makers of Phfffft Asure and The Kardashian Tampon Mouth Insert (Including during bowel eVacation)
3. Medical provided by a cross eyed, six fingered vet that failed colostomy 101
4. Transportation provided by the 2018 Liechtensteinian Goat Rowing Team
5. Working hours Nothing here has worked since 1947...but we keep working on that
6. Vacation All the time...it just ain't paid
7. Celery by the stalk, and you don't even have to pick it the first year
8. Contract whatever diseases are about at assordid ports of crawl, when Somalian pilates aren't yo ho hoing our f**king boats
9. Extra time if your watch has it, we'll take it from you and give it to others less timely; that's ruddy socialism, wanker
10. Insurance and Pension you'll probably need the former; WTF regarding the latter

 
the mismanagement will secure a place in the hysterectomy books, and little else.


Do you have a dream working in Australia? We have more than 220 different ways to make it a ruddy bloomin' nightmare.
 
The following positions do not exist in our company: (just recall the previous list from the original) 
 
 
You can, however, be considered for the position of Wanker First Class. Them we can never get enough of. Oh: and to the wench what lost the American election, we revoke our pay to play donation.
 
In other to be considered for any of the positions, we need the following from you or a North Dakotan douche nozzle that looks like you:
 
1. What Positions Can You Assume (bend over, etc)
2. Curriculum Ack Phooey (Resume)
3. Certified F**k Story with somewhat literate reference letters (we're partial to "A" "S" "H" "O" "L" "E")
4. Available date (we have a couple 'roos that are lonely)
5. Passport or other brand of scotch
6. Position most frequently assumed (include pictures if anatomically possible)
 
Thanks & Piss Up A Rope
Mismanagement

Jester Cruise Line
Jester Cruise Line Australia
"You want to go to sea with us? You MUST be joking!"

  
My pet rock had momentary delusions of sailing the seven seas as a celebrated passenger and not as ballast; alas, after that edit, he'd be lucky to draw a ballast assignment.

"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!"

Okay, maybe as a motor mate 2nd.

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

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Sunday, February 12, 2017

Seymour Continues His Edit Baiting Of Kim Jong Un

When it comes to Kim Jong Un -- the pudgemeister of North Korea -- my pet rock, Seymour, is relentless.

Seymour noted a recent article about how Un was observing with satisfaction a simulated attack on the presidential palace of his South Korean rival, and saw how it fit into Un's 'un'quenched thirst for Trey Parker and Matt Stone -- the South Park and Team America World Police creators -- to make a sequel of the latter, with hisself, Kim Jong Un, in a central role.

Something the real Un is probably clueless about, save for in Seymour's edits.

Like this one:

North Korea simulates special farces attack on a Trump Tower cheeseburger factory

By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS

North Korean misleader Kim Jong-un has filed a lawsuit with the 9th Shortcircuit Court of Appeals of Laughter to force electors voting on December 19 to vote him 270 electoral votes so that he can occupy the US presidential office.
Unnamed sources said that Un “wants his wife to start a kimshi lunch stand” there.
The dictator was pictured laughing as his press suckretary explained how Kim Jong Un intended to force the electors to vote for him and position him to – by executive action – get Trey Parker and Matt Stone to make that long awaited Team America World Police sequel that will feature Un.
The exercise was aimed at "minimizing references to that insignificant skank Jill Stein," state-run news agency KGAG said.
Photos of the drill show the North Korean leader surrounded by his assorted genitals as he watched the filing through binoculars from an observation post that is also used to watch how cheeseburgers are made.
KGAG reported him saying: "Yung dang po pun whack luk duk twuk phuck, epoontang ding chow ping."
CNN "weakly condemned" the event and warned that jibberish like that could prompt them to offer Anthony Weiner a time slot for Sexting With Weiner on CNN.
A spokesman for Trump said: "Like WTF...I already read about this from John Podesta's hacked emails, and if the Donald still had a reality show, he (Kim Jong Un) would be as fired as Hellary just was”.
The full-scale mock-up of a cheeseburger factory was photoshopped from an episode of South Park, a personal favorite of Kim Jong Un.
The barbaric culinary exercise comes as a sore loser elector in Colorado seeks to get the courts to allow him to cast hisNorth Korean electoral vote for the age spots on Harry Reid's prunesque backside.
Wimphouse spokesdouche Josh Earnest, who has assumed the role of lame dork dimwit, held an emergency press conference and ordered the lamestream servile mediocres to focus their misreporting on Green Party demands that Russian votes be recounted in the 1980 presidential election.

   On an unrelated digression, the United Nations Suckretary Genital recently voted to rebush Hans Brix after Kim Jong Il's pet shark Dennis Rodman ate him in Parker and Stones first Team America movie. “We insist that democracy be disemboweled before President Obola and his husband Moochelle leave orifice”, Earnest said before blaming the Russians for that hacked typo on the teleprompter.  


Seymour's misguided quest for a Pultizer continues, but I think he is closing in on a participation award.

"Am NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFTTT!!!"



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Thursday, February 9, 2017

Odds, Oz and Falling Things

Not much disputing THAT.

However, a scammer from a possible target of the Clinton Crimedation solicitations is weighing in with one of my characters, apparently trying to raise money for "pay and play" next year.

Here is her ploy:


I trust you are in Good condition of health, my names are Mrs Maria Teresa A, and I am proud member of Church of the Holy Name of Jesus New York.USA, I have been diagnosed with Esophageal cancer, which have defiled all forms of medical treatment, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone (not even myself) but my business.
Though by the grace of God I am a rich woman, I was never generous, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the World. I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members base well as a few close friends .I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul. So, I have decided to give assistance to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.
So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in Somalia and Indonesia, Sri Lanka India Gambia and Philippines. My health is deteriorating I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan; they refused and kept the money to themselves. Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of Two Hundred and Fifty thousand dollars ($250,000, 00) that I have in Deposit Account. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and distribute it to charity organizations and also invest some of the money into some Cancer Research Institutions.
I sincerely pray you do not decline this call. Your urgent response will be appreciated.
Kindly forward the following particulars
Your Full Name........
Home or company address......
Occupation......
Phone number......
May the Good Lord be with you, Amen
Respectfully,
Mrs. Maria Teresa Antonio.
 
 
For the pithy amount offered to be scammed with, my character debated "bait option" or "edit option".
 
After a few seconds, it was clearly "edit":
 
 
I trust you are in a place other than Newark.  If there, sucks to be you.
One of my many many names are Mrs Maria Teresa A, and I am proud member of Church of the Holy Cow Did Y'all See That Thar, with Happy Hours all across Texarkana and parts of Idaho.  As a result of having climbed too many stairs in zero gravity while training for the NASA mission to Uranus, my lady parts has all fallen out and I am constantly tripping and falling over my genital thing when I return to normal gravity.
Shut up, wise ass.
Since this condition, I have been diagnosed with painful rectal sinus itch, which have defiled all forms of rectal-nasal inhalers, witch doctors, Obolascare and a belly rub from Buddha.  Right now I have only about a few months to continue my therapy from when I tripped over my genital thing during macarena lessons that were being played to Achy Breaky Vag, which shouldn't have happened according to medical experts. I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone except a yak I've been corresponding with in Siberia.
Though by the grace of an empty Coke bottle from a movie in the middle/late 20th Century, I am a deity-taunting woman, throwing cat box deposits on baphomets and laughing hysterically when their eyes get red and things around me start exploding.  Since I considered people overrated, I was always hostile to people and only focused on my relationship with the yak in Siberia as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just a cud chewing, smelly yak in a far away suck ass place. 
I coulda had a pet rock.
So, I have decided to give assistance to geologic organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth.
So far, I have distributed local quarry leavings to some road paving projects outside of Pahrump, Nevada and in desolate suck holes like Somalia and Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India, Gambia, the Philippines and Chappaqua, NY where that oversized thong torturer, Hellary, resides with her violated email server.  My sudden urge for doing this silly sh*t is deteriorating I cannot do this myself anymore. I once asked members of a local Jehovah Witness/Atheist commune to help out, but all they do is knock on doors for no reason and this left me with that feeling of having wiped my ass with a brillo pad.
Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.
The last of my gold plated tin flying monkey collection which no one knows of since the Wicked Witch of the West was bucket f**ked after her sister met a house in a strange place somewhere in a Kansas tornado is all that I have left me.  I will want you to help me distribute this collection to deserving windows and organs across the fruits in Berkeley.
I sincerely pray you do not decline this call. Your urgent response will be appreciated.
May the Good Three Peckered Goat not hit your ewe convent too hard, Amen
Mrs. Maria Teresa Antonio.

This drew no response from the "ailing" scammer, but it did draw several aggrieved messages from one of her collies and steers who hilariously refers to hisself as HON Mr mark smith of Benin.  First it was this:
 
 
look i don't want you send me this kind of number again i am sick a tried of all this thing you have been sending to me ok am in Benin okey thanks you buy 


Then came this:

guy stop this  


Followed by the following:  


f**k you okey  you scammer


go away


go get work you mother f**ker  


Suffice it to say, my collective characters responded respectfully....by sending about 40 new and assorted edits to his email account (frankgodwin@textnow.me).  And they'll continue until it stops receiving them ;-)

*BLOGGER'S NOTE:  that took less than a week for his email account to get shut down   ;-)

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Monday, February 6, 2017

Airport Inflation 2017

Not to worry; this isn't a remake of a remake of a remake of the original slapstick hit.

It's worse.

Not that the scammer intended it so.

A scammer thought he could get a rise out of my character with an email like this one:


Interim Assistance General manager.
Harrisburg international Airport
Mdt drive,19602 Pennsylvania USA.
 
Good day to you.
 
I am Mr Jeffrey Hadley, director of inspection for all lost and abandoned package here at the Harrisburg International Airport Pennsylvania. Due to a vital research which took place at the airport yesterday ,we have found a luggage box that contains the amount of ($9.500000.000). This luggage has been kept at the airport custody for a while now and it is about to be dispatched to the charity home cent-re since we could not figure out the location of the receiver or any representative of claim. we hereby argue you to proclaim this luggage by providing your delivery information below, if you are willing to be honest in receiving the luggage at your resident and we both shall split the funds 50% per person when delivered to you.
 
Kindly send your delivery information below to our airport custodian (Mr lee byrne) ,as he will be in-charge to direct you on how to proceed in getting the luggage delivered to your door step under 48 hours.
 
Full names:
Residential address:
Mobile number:
 
N:B---Kindly forward your information to the given email here:( l.byrne96@yahoo.com) for an immediate response to get the luggage.
 
We awaits your humble correspondence.
Thanks  
 
The scammer REALLY believed that this would get a positive response from MY character.  Really really.
 
Phfffft.
 
Here's what it got instead:
 
Interim Assistance Genital Manure

Hairlessburg International Airport

Mdt drive,19602 Pennsylvania USA
(an incomplete address for a reason you'll soon see).

 
Good Golly Miss Molly to you. 

I am Mr Jeffrey Hadley, directum of insertion for all lost and mislaid package here at the Hairlessburg International Airport somewhere in Pennsylvania. When your lost and mislaid luggage and packages wind up h'yar, it's pretty clear that the transporting airline dun f**ked up, 'cuz no one comes to Hairlessburg unless they're lost and don't care where they're at, in which case they're not lost, they're just geographically boring. 

Due to a research of an original search which was substandardly conducted in a manure to require a research that may or not have found what was may or not found in the search of the first part, and which took place at the airport yesterday because it was either than or going around doing the weekly flush of the toilets in the airport terminals, which fortunately don't get that much use since we only flush them weekly...we have found a luggage box that contains items of dubious antecedence that we found purchase receipts in your name therein. 

Really?  REALLY?  You spent HOW MUCH on life size inflatable Lena Dunham and Hellary Clinton sex toys that only have sex with each other while they slow leak in C-flat?  No WONDER you 'lost' them.

This luggage has been kept at the airport custody for a while now because quite frankly they thought it an honor and a novelty to have in hand the only two luggages that have been through this location since 2001.  We were about to turn this crap over to a home for wayward, sexually frustrated yaks since we could not figure out the location of the receiver or any representative of claim. Then we found the receipt in the bottom of the inflatables. 
Aren't you a real winner.
If you are willing to be honest in receiving the luggage at your resident -- which after all the time we've had them and what is in them, we don't reckon honesty is your strong suite -- we both shall split the contents 50% per person when delivered to you.
 
I have several yaks that get peculiarly stimulated when they see Hellary or Dunham on TV being audibly annoying. 
 

Kindly send your delivery information below to our airport custodian (Mr lee byrne) ,as he will be in charge to direct you on how to proceed in getting the luggage delivered to your door step with a crapload of substandard journalists from msnbc and cnn that need something to do after needing therapy 'cuz Hellary lost. 

Full names:

Residential address:

Mobile number: 

N:B---Kindly forward your information to the given email here:( l.byrne96@yahoo.com) for an immediate response that will depend in large part on how this pathetic email is edited. 
At least one of us here will miss having the inflatable life size Hellary and Lena Dunham sex toys around; not to mention his yaks. 

We awaits your incredulous correspondence.

Thanks.
 
This edit of the original email was apparently more than the originating scammer was willing to even consider.
 
We can see why...

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Friday, February 3, 2017

Scam Like An Egyptian

Yawp.

My character -- more than one of them -- were contacted by a Mrs Suzanne Mubarak, claiming to be the wife of deposed Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak.

Read about it h'yar:


Please read and get back to me!!!


This mail may not be surprising to you if you have been following current events in the international media with reference to the recent protest in Egypt.I am Mrs. Suzanne Mubarak, the wife of Deposed Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak who is seriously ill where he had retreated after giving up power on February 11.Ever since the turn out of events and even prior to the protest,I have been thrown into a state of antagonism, confusion,humiliation, frustration and hopelessness by the present military leadership of the Egyptian Liberation Organization.I have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture.As a woman that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment.

You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet on the discovery of some fund in my husband secret bank account and companies and the allegations of some huge sums of money deposited by my husband in my name of which I have refuses to disclose or give up to the corrupt Egyptian Government. In fact the total sum allegedly discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of about $6.5 Billion Dollars.And they are not relenting on their effort to make me and my sons(Gamal & Alaa Mubarak) poor for life. As you know, the Moslem community has no regards for women, more importantly when the woman is from a Christian background, hence my desire for a foreign assistance.

I have the sum of 62.5USD(Sixty-Two Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) with a financial firm in Europe whose name I can not disclose for now for security reasons until we open up communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and any Investment opportunity.

This arrangement will be known to you and I alone and all our correspondence should be strictly on email alone because our government has tapped all our lines and are monitoring all my moves.In view of the above, if you are willing to assist for our mutual benefits, you shall be compensated with 20% of the funds after the completion and transfer of fund to your possession.

Please note that this is a golden opportunity that comes once in life time and more so, if you are honest, I am going to entrust more funds in your care as this is one of the legacy we keep for our children.In case you don't accept please do not let me out to the security and international media as I am giving you this information in total trust and confidence I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith.

Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Suzanne Mubarak  



Being surprised by anything that comes in email is a rarity for me these days; the surprise I think comes in what she read when I had my one character edit and return her email to her and a hundred or so of her friends and colleagues:


To: mrsmubarak00034@gmx.us
Subject:Please read and get back at me!!!  



On Sunday, December 18, 2016 3:12 PM, Mrs. Suzanne Mubarak <mrssuzannemubarak@vfemail.net> wrote:

This mail will be surprising to you whether you follow South Park or not.  I am Mrs. Suzanne Mubarak, the wife of Deposed Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak, and yes, asshats, we both walk like Egyptians.  I've been cursing the Bangles for years about that. 
 
 
Ever since the turn out of events and even prior to an irrelevant episode indirectly about us on The Kardashians, I have been thrown into a state of antagonism, confusion,humiliation, frustration and hopelessness by Michael Mooron's insistence that I don't vote the way the Erectoral College says I should...but I refused to vote for hellary.  Instead, I voted for Vox the Wonder Yak.
 
 
  Since then, I have even been subjected to physical and psychological torture from college powder puffs who fill my Twatter account with illegible rants about constipated mathematicians that worked it out with a pencil and WTF accusations of my having ruined Toledo.  .As a woman that is so traumatized, I have lost confidence with everybody in the country at the moment because it's obvious to me that Toledo sucked a long time before this.

You must have heard over the media reports and the Internet that I have shut down my Twatter account because it's so full of ignoramuses from Berkeley with dozens of face piercings crying about human caused global hedge funding of tyrannosaurs dickheads that look like Anthony Weiner and text like John Podesta, all puffy lipped.
 
 
  In the meantime, it has been reported on faux news sites like cnn, msnbc, abc, nbc and cbs that I was a final runner up at auditions for intern genital humidors for Bill Clinton when he was sure that the helldebeast would get him back into the Oral Orifice.  Brian Williams even asserted that he was with me when our yellow submarine came under sniper fire in Bosnia. 

I have never been to Bosnia in any kind of submarine, let alone with Brian Williams, who was at the time really doing a mockumentary on Anthony Weiner and pud pulling sexting during a weekend at Bernie's.

And if THAT isn't enough, Kurt Eisenschnauzerface from Newsweak keeps claiming that I have about $6.5 Billion Dollars that Hellary misappropriated while the Suckretary of State and that I intend to use it to bring illegal Syrian islamofascist cameldorks by the thousands to Kaliforlornia in time to vote on their seceding from the USA in 2018, so we can run Hellary for president against a cardboard cut out of Ahnold Schwarzenwanker. 
 
 
There might be some truth to that, since we look forward to watching her lose again.  Damn me to Rachal Madcow, but it's fun watching Hellary psychologically implode every time she loses.

Because of this Whiny League schools across the Northeast are not relenting on their effort to make me and my sons (Gamal & Alaa Mubarak) Mariah careys for life, performing at the Glockenspiel Theatre in downtown Vaduz, Liechtenstein through 2030.  Tickets will be available at Ticketmaster once someone gets the word there. 

As you know -- and Barack Insane Obola ignores -- the Moslem community has more regard for goats than women, hence my desire for a foreign assistance to arrange to make me a judge on Dancing With The Stars.

If you can't arrange that, perhaps you can get me on something like Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy, The Gong Show, Mama's Family...get me something that will get me some YouBoob exposure so I can start a GoF***Me page like Jill Frankenstein did.  

 This arrangement will be known to you and I alone and all our correspondence should be strictly on email alone so long as it doesn't find its way onto Anthony Weiner's laptop or Hellary Clinton's email server, 'cuz then the Russians, Wikileaks and Piers Moron will know all about us and Chris Berman will make fun of us "going all...the...WAY..." on ESPN.

Please note that this is a fecal opportunity that comes once in life time if one is lucky enough to only have it come or breath hard once.  If you are honestly gullible, I am going to enjoy the sh*t out of this.  But dammit, please do not let me out to the security and international media by telling someone connected to the Russians, Wikileaks or the DNC about this.

 Mrs. Suzanne Mubarak
aka  Camilla the stripteasing Camel on the Islamofascist Entertainment Network
"Dirka Dirka!!!"
 

Mrs. Suzanne Mubarak -- after reading this -- decided that certain kinds of foreign "help" were better than others...and she'd wait for the others  ;-)


 

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