Forward or backward, many scammer emails probably sound no different than Bill the Cat's tongue bwonger.
My latest scammer isn't sure what hit his email, but he was fool enough to inquire about it.
First, his ploy:
My name is James Heer, a Trader, Auditor, Mentor, Investment Manager, Logistics Expert and General Business Man, I stay in London, UK. I contact you in respect of establishing a business relationship with you.
There is a certain amount of money that belongs to me. I intend to take the money out of the Germany to another location and bring back the money on a later date for investment and my own personal use. I made this money in the course of auditing a big Investment Firm in Germany and discovered this money as some excesses.
When I discovered these funds, I discussed the issue with the Company's accountant General as well as their personal relationship banker/adviser. This company in question is a very huge company and has been doing business for a very long time, since 1950s.
In the course of genuine business over this period, the money described above has been floating in the banking system and was recently made known to the Company's Accountant General by me. The Company's Accountant General has been a close friend of mine over time. I've been one of this company's Official Auditor General for over 25 years.
You may now understand why we need to take the money safely out of Germany before spending it. Here's our plan, we intend to get a neutral individual who is willing and able to receive this money in form of investment funds to be used by the individual in infrastructural projects, real estate investment or trade etc.
This is just to get the funds out of The Bank where it is presently, to the receiver's bank only. However, the deal is that the funds would be shared into 4 equal places and each of us would be entitled to equal parts of the funds after you receive. I'm talking about Me, You, The Company's Accountant General and The Senior Officer at The Bank who is the company's personal relationship banker/adviser.
We do not require any complicated paperwork or lawyer agreements etc to get this work done. Our agreement would be between 4 of us only as we require utmost confidentiality in this matter. You do not have to tell your bank the details being given in respect of these funds. All we require from you is your willingness and ability to receive the funds in question.
With all these in place, The Bank will initiate wire transfer of the funds to your account. We expect that we act according to the agreement we shall get to in respect of this. This isn't a risky operation or money laundering. Its just a simple opportunity which we intend to exploit using an absolute stranger.
Had he worded it "exploiting an absolute stranger", it might have achieved a level of honesty hellary will never be able to match.
I had my pet rock, Seymour, read back the entire email backward, to seek any possible demonic hidden meanings therein; even teh Gooble translator wouldn't touch what Seymour was babbling.
He still is.
Nonetheless, the theme was set and the edit went ahead thus:
My name is James Horlicker Heer; I am a traitor, a loser, a gooser, and I'm a flivver. I have tried being a trader, an auditor, an mentos, an incestment Manager, a Logistics Expert with 'x' being the unknowd factor and spert being a drip of water under pressure. In snort, I is a primate Business gender neutral of dubious monkeycedence. I stay in London, UK. I contact you on accounta cuz my handlers in the fly infested internet café in Lagos demands it. And on accounta cuz I wants relationship with your twat waffle iron.
There is a certain amount of money that belongs to me. I think it's a buck one eighty or some pithily insignificant amount. I intend to take the money out of the Germany that it got putted into once ago, to another location like a Switzerland, Uganda, Ubangee, Ungabunga or Uranus, which ever is reachable firstest, and bring back the money on a later date when maybe it now worth a buck two eighty or so for my own personal use. I made this money in the course of artificially inseminating door knobs in Liechtenstein while listening to a Beatles record backward, and the results were like a hellary crimepaign rally.
When I discovered these backward lyrics -- devil bunnies, devil bunnies, I snort the banana, bang your dong, get along, dawgie -- I discussed the issue with the witch doctor what told me what to do...oo ee oo ah ah, wing wang willa willa bing bang.
I has no f**king idea what that means. Do you, frontward or slideways?
In the course of designing dust covers for wombats, the monkey not herein described has been floating in zero gravity and crapping all over the place in such a manure as to make the changing of zero gravity in that immediate area very likely messy once it stops zero gravitizing. The Company's Accountant General has been a source of meth and crack for me over 25 years. It shows as this email depricks.
You may now understand why you need to run screaming the other way and not have no more speaks with me. I am I said...I wet my bed. But someone is needed to take my monkey safely out of Germany before it spreads gravity defying sh*t all over the place, fouling infrastructural projects, real estate investment or trade etc.
We do not require any complicated paperwork or lawyer agreements etc because we don't gots no toilet paper to use or loot in this place. Our agreement would be between an odd assortment of bereaved douche nozzles that meet once a month at a pot shop to quality test brownies and blow bubbles in bongs. You do not have to tell your antecedence whomsoever you believe them to be, whether hairy fungerer or cosmic muffins, the details being given in respect of these things which only the lonely would know. All we require from you is your collection of inflatable Julie Haggerty dolls that are giving Otto Pilot a knob job at 33 psi. And don't call her Shirley.
With all these in place, the world will be made safe from AlGore. This isn't a risky operation unless his man-bear-pig gets loose or monkey laundering gets out of control in the spin cycle. Its just a simple opportunity which we intend to exploit using an absolute stranger to the utmost of use.
Let me know if this is something you would like to be a part of. If you have any questions, kindly f**k off and die, just like the hellary crimepaign team tells debate fauxderators before they totally cave to her.
Thanks for your time. Does anyone know what time it is? Does anyone really care about time? If so I can't imagine why...we've all got time enough to fart.
James Heer Kitty Kitty.
After receiving this, it would appear that James had a question or two:
what is this please? it is not what I send. Why you send this?
What this is, Poodle Lips, is a respond to your unsolicited excrement email sandwich without a side of flies. It IS what I send on your both halves to a whole zero gravity monkey crap load of your pekinese and collies. You'll be happy to know that no where in your original email did I find backward Beatles lyrics depicting demonic bunnies and banana snorters. This should be of great comfort to your fallen bowels. You do want to keep them off the ground; army ants like munching on bowels.
That was apparently all the explanation wanted Heer ;-)