Monday, March 28, 2016

Pilates Of the Email Scamdom

Relax.  It just goes down hill from h'yar.

A Chinese ship building firm contacted one of my characters, recruiting them to be their regional account representative in the US.

Ain't that quaint.

Here's a part of their chow mein:


Cheoy Lee Shipyards Hong Kong is a based parent company which was founded in 1870. Deals in prospective new and used boats, agents and brokers with the yard and main administrative offices in Hong Kong.
Cheoy Lee continues to be a family owned and run business having been in the Lo family for over a century since its formation. With a rich and diverse history in both commercial and pleasure craft ship construction, Cheoy Lee were one of the pioneers in the use of fiberglass yacht construction in the early 1960's, which began to replace the traditional teak motor and sail boats that the company produced at that time. Always having strong ties to the United States, which has remained a major trading partner for nearly fifty years, the company has delivered nearly 5,000 vessels to date. Indeed the majority of the pleasure craft purchasing is done from the Ft. Lauderdale office, ensuring availability for parts and replacement items for ease of maintenance and warranty work. 
We are pleased to have received your reply upon your interested in been our company's Account Representative in your region, this is due to the high demand of commodities of our products and services in the North American region and yet we do not have access to debiting from our North American Account clients pay into and also we are unable to transfer funds from our own account in North America to other vendors around the globe, need not to explain to you how this is bad for business.
Transactions go slow and this is the reason we have contacted you to partner with us and be able to assist us with the challenge, as you would be compensated fairly and paid accordingly. What we require from you is for you to stand as an Account Representative in your region, whereby we can be able to link our North American account to yours and diverse means on how to transfer our customer's funds to you directly, there after you would keep proper record of every transaction made through you and you would also be provided with customers details that you would be assigned to in your region that would make others through you and make payments directly you.  
 
Very nice.  But rather than just blindly accept their offer to give me the nautical business, I had my pet rock, Seymour, tie on an eye patch and with a hearty *arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr* -- that gave him an audible hernia ("did NOT!!!  PHFFFFFT!") -- edit their email offer a tad: 


Chee Kee Shipyards Hong Kong is a based parent company which was founded in 1978 after the Peter Sellers movie, Revenge Of The Pink Panther. Deals in prospective crashed and trashed ships, boats, skiffs, scows, prams, inner tubes, rubber ducks, petrified triremes, yachts and arks are what we let people think we're about, with the yard and main administrative offices in Hong Kong, as far from the wrecks as we can get.
Chee Kee continues to be a mob family owned and run business having been in the Wun Hung Lo family since its formation. With a dubious and diverse history in both commercial and pleasure craft ship construction, Chee Kee were/is/was/wants ta be one of the pioneers in the use of flabberass yacht construction in the early 1980's, which began to replace the traditional leaky teaky motor and sail boats that the company copied at that time. Always having strong ties to the Somali Navy, which has remained a major embarrassment for the past 30+ years, the company has had ripped off nearly 500 assorted vessels by the Somali pirates to date. Indeed the majority of the pleasure craft hijacking is done from the Ft. WTF office, somewhere on the Somalia coast, ensuring availability for hostages and bounties aplenty.
We are pleased to have received your reply upon your interested in been our company's Account Representative in your region, this is due to the high demand of piratical activities that our products fall prey to and yet we do not have access to getting our cut from Somali pirates for whatever bounties they do garner from the shameless use of our craft.  Need not to explain to you how this is bad for business.
 
This isn't the reason we have contacted you to partner with us and be able to assist us with the challenge; we are hoping that you will put together a piratical navy of your own and conquer the inland waterways of your region of your country, and we'll *wink* and *nod* as you would be compensated fairly and paid accordingly. What we require from you is for you to (a) procure the necessary naval assets (b) hire crews (c) pillage and terrorize inland waterways in your regional area and (d) cut us in for a percentage of the take.  

Without delay we wish to employ you thus, as Captain Jack Sparrow has shown the way in the Caribbean, Captain Hook in Neverland, Captain and Tennille on TV, and Captain Morgan in liquor.  With you handling piractical activities in your immediate area, we are 100% certain that our customers in the Democrapic National Committee are pleased with this idea and strategy.  How they expect those oversized pant suits to propel any ship carrying Hellary's big ass, we do not know.
We have a target of gaining the total control of all Earthly waterways, so your aid would be highly required in the regard of been our "Piratical Account Representative", you are entitled to 10% for every hijacking accomplished and a monthly pay that increases every successful Six Months of operating as *arrrrrrr* partner in this regard. In acceptance to *arrrrr* proposal, *arrrrrrr* attorney would however send to you a copy of M.F.P.A.* to authenticate *arrrrrrr* partnership as we cannot be in business with you without authenticating the illegality of *arrrrrrr* dealings and to ensure we both meet us with *arrrrrrrr* duties as partners akin to Captains Blood and Levasseur were, prior to their fighting over Olivia De Havilland.

We wonder if you see what we just did there in *arrrrrrrr* own little way.

* Mother F***ing Piratical Agreement

To proceed further, kindly fill and send to us the requested details below:

Full Name:.................
Sea Going Rank:...............
Last Pirate Ship Commanded:..................
Sea Going Address:................
Home Phone: ... ... ....
Mobile: ... ... ....
Morse Code or Semaphore:
E-mail Addr:
Ginger or Mary Ann:

We encourage you to partner with us as you would be of great aid to this company and also we would oblige to be exceedingly beneficial to us and our business.
We await your anticipated swift, rapier reply,
Sincerely,
Mr. Ken Wun Hung Lo
Position: Director
CHEE KEE SHIPYARDS VERY LIMITED 
89 & 91 Wang Chung Street West 
CowMOOOON
Hong Kong, China
(just down the coast from Schenectady) 
 
 
Seymour's subject relevant (sorta) editing did not get us a job, but it did draw this from the scammers:
 
do not write to us again you fool  
 
Which of course guarantees that they'll be hearing from us on every subsequent edit.
 
Arrrrrrrrr.

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Friday, March 25, 2016

The Pet Rock Baits Kim Jong Un Again

North Korea's little despot, Kim Jong Un, has his panties in a wad again.

Like they ever get unwadded.

My pet rock, Seymour, noted that the UN -- taking one of their useless unanimous stances -- imposed sanctions on North Korea for it's continued nuclear ambitions.

Which set off the little Pudgemeister.

The story was simply too good an opportunity for Seymour to tweak his favorite 'target to tweak':


North Korea leader orders military to be ready to repel 'Team America World Police' puppets if they attack

WTFNS
By Seymour PetRock 504 hours ago, based on a broken hour glass 

SEOUL (WTFNS) - North Korean leader Kim Jong Un ordered his country to be ready to defend against and repel an attack by the 'provocative puppets' of Team America World Police, in an unusual turn of events, official media said on Friday.

The comments carried by official KCNA news agency marked a further deterioration in what little sanity there might have once been north of the 38th Parallel after the U.N. Security Council reported that Trey Parker and Matt Stone – originators of South Park and the Team America World Police movie – steadfastly refused to consider making a sequel to Team America starring “the pudgy little douche bag” Kim Jong Un.

Kim made the comments as he supervised the exercise of newly developed multiple muppet launchers, which KCNA reported didn't work worth a kimshi equivalent.

Kim said North Korea should "bolster up (its) special muppet farces both in quantity and muppetity" and stressed "the need to get ready to repel the malevolent Western marionettes at any moment," KCNA paraphrased him as saying, since the original transcripts had him slaughtering every word containing an “L”. "Now is the time for us to pervert our mode of ala toward the enemies into an equivalence of defense in every aspect." Kim was obviously referring to when the puppet Lisa poked fun at his father's puppet, Kim Il Sung, in the original movie when he tried to say the word 'inevitable' and couldn't.


  
North Korea has previously threatened pre-emptive attacks on South Korea, Japan, the USA, Texas, Liechtenstein, Andorra, Uranus and Ceti Alpha 5. Military experts doubt it has developed the capability to fire a long-range much of anything with a miniaturized genital of Kim Jong Un attached as far as Wonsan yet.

North Korea on Thursday launched several projectiles that blew up Wonsan, South Korea's defense ministry chuckled, an apparent ill-executed response to the news that Parker and Stone remain adamant about not making a Team America sequel starring the pudgy little douche bag” this week.
The U.N. Security Council passed a rare and typically toothless resolution on Wednesday dramatically doing little to discourage North Korea from acting like fecal doo doo heads following its recent attempts with rockets and a hoverboard that caught fire on Feb. 7.

South Korean President Park Geun-hye on Thursday repeated a stern warning against the North to abandon its Team America Oscar ambitions and said should would work to "end efforts to become one of the Kardashians" by the North's leader.

Further inflaming tensions was the fact that during the Academy Awards substandard performances, not one mention of Kim Jong Un was uttered, causing the pudgy little douche bag to complain about racism in Hollywood, which also had to be paraphrased because Kim can't pronounce “L” worth a damn.
(Editing by Seymour PetRock)

My pet rock has pretty much given up on getting a Pulitzer ("have NOT!!!  PHFFFFT!"), but does imagine that the pudgy little douche bag is eventually reading these posts and perhaps will one day offer Seymour a job as the first pet rock he executes exotically...

"Yeah...uh...WHAT??????  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!!!"
 

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Tuesday, March 22, 2016

When Forgiveness Doesn't Pay

"To forgive is divine".

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

There are times that being offended IS the right and proper reaction, and forgiveness be danged.

Take this scammer -- who is insistent that he ain't -- Paul Harry.

Here's how we begin:

Good day to you as you read from me. I am writing to you after reading about your country on the internet and I want to live and study there for the rest of my life which I believe you will not betray my trust on you. I am Paul Harry a 18years old boy from Ivory Coast in West Africa and as it may interest you to know, I am the only child of late Dr. Pierre Harry the Former foreign investment officer to Ex-President Laurent Gbagbo who was over troll in Abidjan Capital of our country Cote d'Ivoire late April 2011.
 
After taking over by the current President Alassane Ouattara, my father and mum where kill on the 9th-07-2014 and since then, I flew out of my country with some legal document covering a deposit of $3.5Million dollars with a financial house in Republic of Benin with another certificate covering 150kgs of gold bars with a security company here in Ghana where I am presently staying in a refugee camp for the past 2years for my safety and as well looking for a capable person that will help me claim my inherit funds to your country before I came across your contact today.
 
I am really seeking your assistance through this median to help me claim the $3.5Million dollars deposited in a financial house in and the 150kgs of the gold bars to your country and invest it for me wisely and to enable me continue my school education and to leave a better life once again as I have suffered alot here in the refugee camp.
 
I shall give you more details on how you are going to claim those funds without any hindrance once you indicate your readiness to help me out without betraying me I shall send you all the legal documents of claim covering those funds as they are intact with me here in the refuse camp.
 
Thanks for your understanding as I look forward to your quick reaction to my help before I die here in the camp. my private email: (  pharryonly01@gmail.com  )   
 
I couldn't imagine him "dying" in that camp before I had a chance to edit his email:
 
 
 A genuinely suckass day to you as you read from me. I am writing to you after reading about your country on the internet and deciding that my country is about as suckass as it gets.  I want to live and mooch off the taxpayers for the rest of my life which I believe you will not betray my trust on you. I am Paul Harry a 18years old boy from Ivory Coast in West Africa and as it may interest you to know, I am the only child of late Dr. Pierre Harry and an alien marmot from Uranus that was featured in a Super Bowl commercial recently.  Just a word of warning:  marmots bite.  Bastards. 
There was a story about my country that I was going to tell you -- something about Ex-President Laurent Gbagbo who was over troll in Abidjan Capital of our country Cote d'Ivoire late April 2011 -- but my English sucks and I don't know what overtroll means.
 
After taking over by the current President Alassane Ouattara, anyone not of Detroit descent were kill on the 9th-07-2014 and since then, I flew out of my country, and I am here to tell you that it's easier to fly in a plane than to try flapping your arms hard and fast enough to generate the 1.21 jiggawatts necessary to displace the fuxcapacitor and make a stainless steel car travel back and forth in time with a guy whose hair is as bad as Bernie Sanders.  Presently -- it's as far as my flapping arms would carry me -- I am presently staying in a refugee camp in the basement of the Democrapic National Committee where I have to be a sex toy for Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who looks so much like Medusa that it's hard not to turn hard looking at her.
 
And that's not 'hard' in a good way.
 
I am really seeking your assistance through this meridian to help me claim the $3.5Million dollars in illegal alien benefits that Barry Soetero is offering in return for my 25 votes for whoever the Democrap candidate is.  Which is a choice that sucks...two white dinosaurs, one with Doc Brown hair and the other 1000 times worse than fingernails on a blackboard.  I have suffered alot here in the refugee camp; the DNC chairpoison is almost as bad as Madeline Albright, in and out of barlighting.
 
I shall give you more details on how you are going to explain all this to msnbc without any hindrance from naral, now, then, later and abominations always (aka, Friends of Moochelle) once you indicate your readiness to help me out without betraying me to ICE, Trey Gowdy or Megyn Kelly.
 
Thanks for your understanding as I look forward to your quick reaction (most folks reaction to this is "WTF?").  Please write to my primate email: (  pharryonly01@gmail.com  ) and I'll encourage my primate to write back.  Don't expect it to be literate or comprehendible.  She's still learning not to smash and throw around the keyboards.   
 
Paul could not believe what I dun to his email, Ma:
 
 
I am very much surprise on your reply to me. But may God bless us. I will look unto God and new person shall come for my help.  
 
You shouldn't be surprised at all.  Scammers like you get replies like that all the time.  


Dear Sir,
Did you receive my message?  Please let me here from you.  

 


I received your message that you're a scammer.  What other message did you send?  






I don't know why after my explanation, you still not believe, ok let
 me go and get these documents from where I kept them and I shall send
 it across to you now.  





You send me believable documents and we have a deal.  





I am very sorry to reply late in this message as I was seriously sick
in the Refugee camp it was today that I get myself and decided to come
and send you these documents as proof of my claim so that you can help
me freely from your heart without further delay.

Attach are my late father death certificate, his picture when he was
alive, deposit certificate for the $3.5Million in the bank in Republic
of Benin, Certificate of the gold bars 150kgs with the security
company here in Accra-Ghana, the cover of the WILL and copy of it
which I have secretly taking from the lawyer for your view. I also
attach you the picture of the gold bars.

Please sir, I want you to come out with your upon mind and help me
because my father late lawyer is also after my life in other to take
over these assets from me. Your quick reaction will be highly
appricated.

Thanks as I wait your full details so that I can give you the next
step to help me conclude this matter urgent.





My so bad.  Because he DID send me documents:



And...
And...
As well as...

Not to mention...
And as an added bonus for being among the first 10 respondents to this email scam, I received -- absolutely FREE (though it isn't intended to stay that way) -- these photos:

That's supposed to be the gold I'm in line to get a piece of...*snerx*:

And this h'yar is supposed to be my indirect benefactor, Paul Harry's "whose his daddy".  And now back to the game:

I will closely examine these documents and get back to you.
Jack  


 Dear Mr. Jack Ewehoff,
   Okay Sir thanks as I look forward to hear from you soonest.
   Thanks,
  Paul Harry


After letting my pet rock, Seymour, choke on his morning latte geolode when examining the docs, the response was thus:

And soonest you shall...I have seen all these documents before.  In prior scams.  You haven't improved upon them.

Who's the clown in the sheet?  


What are you talking about? stop playing me around if you are not
 capable? why saying all this to me after all I have explain to you
 before sending these documents to you?

 Please stop it and tell me directly that you are not capable and stop
 playing with my conditions because you also have alot to benefit  



Well...you asked me to believe you.  I told you that I had an abundance of healthy skepticism at work.  You sent me what you said would be your documentary 'proof'.  I promised to examine it.  I did.  It failed to achieve the super majority of credibility necessary to override an executive veto.   

You have failed to provide adequate personal and/or professional references that buttress your claims.  The photo of the spook sheeted dickhead you sent cannot be independently authenticated as having worn a purple hat with aliens at a twatwaffle house on Uranus at a frat party in 2013.

To paraphrase a philosopher I once was profoundly influenced by during a film shoot in Yugoslavia, "why don't you knock it off with them negative waves?  Why don't you dig how beautiful it is here?  Why don't you say something righteous, and HOPEFUL for a change, while I'm drinking wine and eating cheese and catching some rays...y'know".



With all that clearly said in a manure to foster definitive clarity, exactly HOW is what you are offering to prove to be a benefit to me?  Explain this please.  Something being of unmistakable benefit to me is something with which I am willing to cooperate in a manure that will please those seeking to provide the benefit.  Are you able to comply?
 
 The answer to that was *crickets chirping*.  Reckon I hurt another scammers feewings.  If he's a hellary or 'feel the bern' voter, I'm sure I'll hear about it from the thug brigades...
 


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Saturday, March 19, 2016

nYacht So Fast

You'll note the photo of the leftist ship what capsized 'n stank on its own nonsense.

Now I have a scammer what's done pretty much the same thing.

From the "jobs online scam department" comes this latest effort to give me the business:

DON'T MISS OUR FIRST JOB OFFER OF THE YEAR.....IF INTERESTED APPLY ASAP. ‏        
 
From: Ashley Mauricio (ashleymauricio2324@gmail.com) 
Sent: Sat 1/23/16 7:43 AM
To:***************@hotmail.com


We are commercial and private yacht owners, we need workers urgently from Functions of difference departments. Please note that our job and lifestyle based on the sea during the working hours. The operation would be throughout the united states and it shall be a shifting or part time job for 3 days a week. Note, the job you would be doing for us in your area shall based on receiving mails, drop off letters, and receiving some little payment on behalf of our organization while we're away on the seashore. These payment would be coming inform of cashier's check or money orders from our clients all over the united states. Please these payment must be kept in a safe place until we return back from the Shore duty tours.

If interested reply with the information requested below as your resume details:

Full Name :
Full Address :
City :
State :
Zip Code :
Phone Cell :
Gender:
Age :
Email Address:

We are hoping to receive your details within two business days, after that the management would send you a letter of acceptance via (usps.com). You will find the weekly salary intend to pay from the letter and the rules and regulations of our industry, the location and the date of assumption of duty shall be included on the letter. You will act according to the instructions writing on the letter.

Sincerely,

Ashley Mauricio
Human Resources Manager
commercial and private yacht owners
ashleymauricio2324@gmail.com  
 
 
Naturally, my character what received this was only too happy to reply.  After all, yacht sales in Colorado are booming this time of year.
 
After having responded, I had a long wait for the "details" I was to receive -- and since my character requested them be sent to my actual address, I wanted very much to receive them.
 
But finally they showed up...a page and a half of "Mystery Shop" instructions, along with a cashiers check drawn on a local bank for $2780.99, made out to my character:

A check which was, from A to Z, counterfeit.

Naturally my character acknowledged receipt of the check and advised my 'employer' that the mystery shop assignment would be carried out the following Wednesday.

A day after the appointed one, my character sent the following email to my "employer":

As you instructed me, I cashed the check, keeping the portion you said that I was allotted, and took the remainder to two separate Money Gram outlets near me, for the purpose of secretly observing and reporting on their customer service, et al.

Here is my report:

Money Gram outlet #1:  ***** West Colfax Avenue, Lakewood CO  80215-3707, phone 303-***-****

Facility easily accessible.  Clean, orderly.  Moderate level of business.  Due to amount of traffic, I had to wait twice as long for service as it took me to fill out the Money Gram documentation.  Clerk was a bit hurried albeit it courteous.

The fee to send $1305 to the designated recipient in Seattle, WA --$25.59 -- was competitive with outlets using Western Union.

All in all, I would recommend this Money Gram outlet to friends, family and colleagues.


Money Gram outlet #2:  ***** S. Estes Street, Lakewood CO 80227-3117, phone 303-***-****

Facility a bit harder to find but accessible.  In a mixed residential/business neighborhood.  Not as clean but appeared orderly.  Less business volume than the first Money Gram.  It took me as long to fill out the documentation as it took the clerk to attend to me and answer my questions.  Clerk was neither pleasantly courteous or unpleasantly abrupt; very matter of fact.  The fee I was quoted to send $1305 to the designated recipient in Seattle, WA was again $25.59.

All in all, I would recommend  Money Gram outlet #1 over #2, unless one likes to deal in a lower volume venue.  Otherwise, there was no significant difference in the two outlets.

I eagerly await my next assignment. 

Jack
  

*Jeopardy Theme whilst we wait*

Dear Jack,  This is Ashley from commercial and private yacht owners. Firstly I would like to commend you on a job well done, and to also inform you that we were not in the states since 2 weeks ago, we traveled on yacht trip to Caribbeans and we just got back this morning.
I got your report on the assignment you haven done on Feb 25 2016. Please I need the receipts you received from the two Money Gram outlets to be scan to my email here as soon as possible okay.

I will be waiting to receive the receipts as soon as possible and be expecting your new assignment on Monday March 7, 2016.

Sincerely Yours,
Ashley Mauricio
Human Resources Manager
commercial and private yacht owners
ashleymauricio2324@gmail.com


The what?  

Jack, please listen to the following,

You sent money from this Money Gram outlet  on Feb 25 #1:  11599 West Colfax Avenue, Lakewood CO  80215-3707, phone 303-237-8643 Or Money Gram outlet #2:  2641 S. Estes Street, Lakewood CO 80227-3117, phone 303-989-1943, to our recipient in Seattle, WA,  right?.

Jack,  you sent $1305 to the designated recipient in Seattle, WA on Feb 25, 2016 via money gram outlet right?. I am very sure that the money gram outlet issued a receipt for you after the transaction right?. Now before the recipient in Seattle, WA could cash these amount of money you sent from money gram from any money gram outlet in Seattle, you have to send the eight digit number on the receipt to my email as well as the sender's name which they were both on the receipt that you received from the money gram outlet the day you sent this money $1305 out to the recipient in Seattle, WA.
Please understand that if any receipt haven't handed over to you that very moment you sent the money from the money gram outlet where you sent the sum of ($1305 ) from to the recipient in Seattle, that means you have to go back there probably today or very early tomorrow morning to collect the receipt and forward the information on that receipt to me immediately.

I hope you understand my point now with this explanation, get back to me as soon as possible thanks.


 I don't have to listen to the following because I was there, Ash.  After all, I wrote you the descriptions, right?   What is your specific question?  I think I mystery shopped both locations pretty thoroughly and reported it every bit as thoroughly. 


You mystery shopped in both locations, right? Fine. All what I am asking you to do now is to use your camera phone or tablet to snap and scan the documents you received the day you mystery shopped in both location to my email here. The best ways to scan a document is to use your phone or tablet ... More and more people are using the camera on their phone or tablet to scan documents to any designated recipient over the email. Please scan the documents now and send it over to my email here. 


Because our recipient in Seattle, WA, where you said you reported to denied that you did not thoroughly reported to them at all. That was why I said  If you have a camera phone camera phone or tablet to snap and scan the documents you can use it to snap and scan the documents you received from where you mystery shopped and send them over email to me. I want to show them that you did truly mystery shopped in both locations pretty thoroughly and reported it every bit as thoroughly as instructed to our recipient in Seattle, WA.

Or better still, check the documents you received from both locations where you mystery shopped and you will find eight digit numbers on both the documents given to you from money gram outlets and type the number and send them to my email in your next reply okay.


Use my camera phone to snap WHAT?  A picture of my pet rock?  I have no documents.  When I shopped the two Money Gram locations, I did just that.  I did not actually send any Money Grams; I merely observed how they operated with customers ahead of me and then asked them how they would process my transfer if I were to make it.  That is the information I sent you.  I still have the funds you sent me.  So what is my next assignment?


Dear Jack, 
First of all, I want to commend you for the kind of trustworthy person you are and for the job well done.  Please, this is what you will do next with the funds in your care. You will take the funds and go to the western union outlet close to your area today and send the money to the name and address below okay.
Receiver's Name:   JANE JOSEPH
Receiver's Address: 1, Samuel Manuwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria
Tell them to deduct the service charge fee from the funds you are sending out and send the rest to the name and address given above. After which you have done from the western union you will be giving an MTCN receipt for confirmation of sending money via their outlet okay. 
You will get back to me with the MTCN receipt by using your phone or tablet to snap the receipt and scan it to my email here. Please make sure you send the money to the Jane Joseph today. Be expecting another assignment next week Monday okay.
I will be waiting to receive the receipts as soon as possible and be expecting your new assignment on Monday March 7, 2016.  
 
 
If I am to understood you correctly, you wish me to send the combined $2610 via Western Union?  And not to the person in Seattle?  Do you wish a 'mystery shop' write up on the Western Union outlet I use?  Awaiting elucidation.  

(1) You wish me to send the combined $2610 via Western Union? Yes, send the combined $2610 via Western Union to Jane Joseph in 1, Samuel Manuwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria. And not to the person in Seattle again okay. 

(2) Do you wish a 'mystery shop' write up on the Western Union outlet I use? Not necessary anymore just enter a western union outlet and send the money to JANE JOSEPH Okay.
(3) Now before you send the combined $2610 to JANE JOSEPH, make sure you remove $50 from $2610 for your transport fair and send the $2560 to Jane Joseph in 1, Samuel Manuwa Street, Victoria Island, Lagos, Nigeria.
(4) Deduct the western union service charge fee from the $2560 you are sending out to JANE JOSEPH and send the rest money after deduction okay.
(5) You will get back to me with western union MTCN receipt after the transaction and use your phone or tablet to snap the receipt and scan it to my email here. Please make sure you send the money to JANE JOSEPH today. Be expecting another assignment next week Monday okay.
I hope my explanation is clear If you still have questions please let me know.  
 
Okay, confirming Point 1; no need to write a shop (Point 2); deduct $500 from the amount listed and send the remaining balance to Jane Joseph at the address given in Lagos, Nigeria; Point 4, pay the wiring fee from the remaining balance; get back to you when it's done.  I will attend to it on my way to work tonight.  
 

Good Morning to you Jack and how are you doing this morning? I want to know if you send the money via western union to Jane Joseph in Lagos Nigeria already, reason is because there is another new assignment waiting for you, which you suppose to start the processing today. Meanwhile the management have already send the new assignment to my email and they're expecting us to give them the report of the first assignment given to you since 3 weeks ago, am talking about the money they entrust in your hand. 


Once again Jack, I'm waiting to receive the western union MTCN receipt from you which I believe you should have sent out to JANE JOSEPH in Lagos Nigeria already, this would enable me to forward the report to the management of commercial and private yacht owners this morning before we proceed to the new assignment. I hope you understand every bit of these better?.

Please get back to me this morning with the report from the western union outlet ASAP.  
 
Do you want me to send you a MTCN or the receipt?

Send the MTCN number of ten digit and the exact amount sent with the sender's name only. 


I'll send you the receipt  


(so I send them an old fuzzied up fake receipt from a scambait back in '09 or so):
Jack the mtcn receipt picture you sent doesn't clear at all, you have to resend it and make it bold. Or better still type the mtcn 10 digit number and the sender,s name as well as the amount sent okay  

It wasn't clear? Hmmm. Okay  

The next reply from the scammer either suggests (a) they recognize that I'm playing them and they think they can get a rise out of me by claiming their Nigerian contact got the money or (b) they're saving face, in which case this is the last I will hear from them:


Dear Jack, I would like to thank you for the job well done and also to let you know that the management get back to me now and says the money as been picked up by JANE JOSEPH today in Lagos Nigeria. Once again, thank you so much for MTN receipt that you sent over to my email this morning.

Just be expecting your new assignment tomorrow cheers.  
 
Who am I to spoil their 'fun'?  Jack replies with "Good.  I await your next assignment ;-)
 
 It was apparently their way of saving face...they won't play wif me no mores ;-)

Seymour is disappointed...he hoped I could score a discounted yacht or something...
 
 "Not like THAT!!!"




 
 

 
 
 

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Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Kone-t Take A Joke

There is a reason for Pastor Gas to be displayed h'yar. 

Several of my characters dealt with a scam from a Sandra Kone last year (and perhaps a few times before that).  None of the scams went Kone's way.

So she -- or those portraying and practicing the scam -- decided to take a second bite at the road apple, not knowing what a road apple is.

Here's their attempt (sent by a Sandra Kamson, who is obviously not part of what follows):

Dearest ,

Compliment of the day. I am Mrs. Sandra Kone the Christan woman that
contacted you since few months ago for the transfer of my late
husband's inherited fund to you in your country. You wanted to help me
that time but at the middle of the fund transfer, you could not
continue again.I am writing to you today been with joy and happiness
in my heart because I have succeeded and I am also writing to let you
know that I am now at Zulekha Hospital India  Continent.

After we could not conclude the transfer, the bank manager later
contacted one of the bank's share holders based in India. He is a
Lebanese, an exhibitionist and his name is Mr. Ellies Sawaya, a
christian.

He came down to Ivory Coast as he was contacted by the bank manager
and finalised all the transferring procedures within few weeks and the
total fund has been transferred to his bank account information in
National bank of India. Before he took me along with him after
confirmation of the fund by his banker in India, I made a cheque for
you only for your compensation from the money I reserved and for you
to use the money to alleviate your family expences.

I was touched in my spirit to make this cheque of $450,000 in your
favour as a way to tell you thank you for all that you have done to me
and the inconveniences that I caused you that time though we could not
finalise the fund transfer. The only person that I trust that I can
give the cheque to keep for you is my pastor, because I know that he
will be willing to post the cheque to you as soon as you contact him.

His contact information is as below. I will like you to call him
immediately as soon as you read this mail and also write him for the
delivery of that cheque to you.
Name.................  Pastor Joseph  Imoh.
Phone Number..........  +225 793 582 17
E mail Address....... 
pastorjosephimoh@yahoo.fr

Please call him first and demand for the cheque that I made for you.
If you cash the cheque, please use it well. Let me know also as soon
as you receive and cash the cheque. My greetings to your family.

Thanks,

Mrs. Sandra Kone.  


Now, I like refried beans and twice baked potatoes, but not a refried/twice baked scam.  I don't recall how my various characters handled this before, but I know how this one is going to now:


On Friday, February 12, 2016 2:40 AM, sandra kamson <sandrakamson70@gmail.com> wrote:

Double Dork,

Compliment of the day: twatwok.  
I am Mrs. Sandra Konehaid the islamist atheist that when crossed with a Jehovah Witness knocks on your door for no reason.  I contacted you since few months ago for the transfer of my late husband's inherited fund to you in your country that never really existed.  The fund that is, not your country, though if you elect hellary Clinton your country won't exist, either.
You said you wanted to help me that time but at the middle of the fund transfer, you started spewing strange lines from old movies and parodied lyrics from a delusional pet rock and I had to seek therapy on accounta you.

After months of expensive therapy and genital shock treatments, I had to take this scam in a different direction, so I had our acting bank manager later contacted one of the bank's share holders based in Goa. He is a Lebanese transplant from Liechtenstein, an exhibitionist and fecal impressionist who goes by the name of Mr. Barack Barry Hussein Soetero Obola, a lying sack of sh*t and all around douche nozzle.

He came down to Ivory Coast as he was contacted by the bank manager and finalised all the transferring procedures within few weeks and thus it came to pass that a long time ago, in a scam far, far away, an alliance of hamster felchers gained prominence by erecting a 20' high replica of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, which turned all living things within eye shot into pillars of petrified feces.  

I was touched by an anvil and after awaking from my coma and recovering from the Milk of Amnesia caused thereby -- during which I couldn't remember sh*t and bet you don't see what I just did there -- in my spirit of excess libations to offset having seen Madeline Albright outside of barlighting, I made up a cheque of $450,000 in your favour as a way to tell you to f**k off and die, garbage disposal breath.  The only person that I trust that I can give the cheque to keep for you is my pastor; for a generous fee, he'll give you the business, if not the cheque as soon as you contact him.

His contact information is as below. I will like you to call him immediately as soon as you read this mail and also write him for the delivery of that cheque to you.
Name.................  Pastor Joseph  Imohfraud.
Phone Number..........  +225 793 582 17 (with a phone number like this, you KNOW it and he is)
E mail Address....... 
pastorjosephimoh@yahoo.fr

Please call him first and demand that he stop playing Pastor Gas videos on YouTube.  If you cash the cheque, please use it well. Let me know also as soon
as you receive and cash the cheque. My greetings to your family.

Thanks,

Mrs. Sandra Konehaid.  
 
 
Somewhat (sorta) unexpectedly, I was 'graced' with a reply from her faux rev, Joe Bob Imoh:

My Dear ,

God bless you wonderfully this day my son. I see some tremendous blessings coming your way next week. God will not sleep until your dreams in life is fulfiled. My regards to your family.

I have received your mail to me and I will like you to send to me your country house address which I will use to post the cheque to you in country house address ?

Meanwhile, I don't know if you can come over here and pick up your gift cheque or  if you can not come here, what I will do by tomorrow  morning  I will go to know the cost of the posting charges of the cheque to your  country house address and I will go to  FEDEX office and DHL offices here tomorrow  morning and as soon as I comes back from the offices I will mail you , and our general post office here are not working again, because of the recent war by non government that born down the government bulings here in this country,if not i should have post it in the general office here ok,

So, you should be remembering Mrs Sister Sandra Kone in your daily prayers, as she is taking her treatment over there  in India ok,

I have attached  the picture of myself and my wife for your view and knowledge of me and by tomorrow morning as soon as I come back  from this offices, I will scanned a copy of your cheque for your view, and the amount in that cheque is $450.000 dollars only. God bless you my son Amen.

Thanks,

Pastor Fr. Joseph Imoh.
+225 05922879

He even included a claimed picture of hisself and assumedly the Missus:

Note that he says that not only did he receive my mail to him (he just neglected to read it), but that "some tremendous blessings coming your way next week.  God will not sleep until your dreams in life is fulfilled". 

God is laughing his ass off at that, knowing full well what my dreams of life are, and knowing I'm more likely to win Power Ball than get lucky with Sandra Bullock and Taylor Swift (not necessarily in that order).

Oh well...now that I've let y'all know I have unrealistic dreams of life and make God laugh His AO...let's just say that Konet and Imoh gave up on me shortly thereafter due to circumstances within my email that they couldn't ignore as heretofore.  

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Sunday, March 13, 2016

One Of North Korea's Subs Is Missing

Kim Jong Un takes a swing and a miss again, thanks to my editing pet rock, Seymour.

Seems the North Koreans have lost a submarine.

After Seymour got done with the edit, small wonder:


North Korea Says North Korean Submarine Isn't Missing.  They Just Can't Find It 
By Seymour PetRock -- WTFNS


Warshingtown (WTFNS) North Korea sank one of its own submarines this week and tried to cover it up by claiming that Liechtenstein “took it”, one and two-thirds U.S. officials familiar with the latest information told WTFNS.

A military analyst with Comedy Central had been observing the submarine operate off North Korea's east coast in six feet of water when the vessel found a 1000 foot hole and sank like a stone to the bottom of it.

A submarine contractor assigned to work on the vessel – requesting and misspelling anonmity – said that he repeatedly tried to tell the North Koreans that a screen door on the top hatch was “a bad idea”, but Kim Jong Un insisted that it would work just fine.

The contractor was unable to convince Kim Jong Un that a submarine is meant to work under water.

On Thursday, the South Korean military said that North Korea fired two test missiles that were meant as “a warning” to Seoul, but that wound up blowing up a house of prostitution in Wonsan. They were fired from North Hwanghae province, south of Pyongyang, toward the sea east of the Korean Peninsula, and “went askew” the South Korean Joint Chiefs of Staff said.

Describing the sinking of their submarine as “propaganda nonsense” the official spokesperson of KGAG was quoted as saying “we know what happened to our submarine and we expect Liechtenstein to return it from where they took it to within its borders”.

Officials in Liechtenstein – not having access to the sea – are dumbfounded by the accusations from North Korea.

“Das claimen by das North Korean government ist flieger schiesse undt das ravingks of das hundsfott” an official from Liechtenstein said, we think.

North Korea on Sunday warned it would make more submarines and KGAG reported that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un had demanded more screen doors on the top hatches of future boats.

The South Korean military spokesman said the two allies were "closely monitoring" signs of North Korean “upgrading of submarines with top screen door hatches”.

"As of now, there have been no more North Korean subs going to sea with screen door hatches, but we are planning to continuously strengthen surveillance," a South Korean Defense Ministry spokesman said.

Last week, KGAG reported that the North Korean leader said his chances to be the star in a future sequel to Team America World Police “were improving”.

"A script is ready and I have a song soro arready to go," Kim said, according to the KGAG.

While Pyongyang often issues silly statements, "this year the level of anger at not being taken seriously after losing a submarine because it had a screen door on top is much greater," says Duk Chow Ping, a former msnbc janitor and the author of "1000 Ways That Kim Jong Un Is A Doo Doo Head."

Ping told WTFNS that he was concerned if North Korea "refits all their submarines with screen door hatches, Saturday Night Live will feel obliged to do a parody, further irritating the little North Korean pudgepot."


While the US State Department is not happy with my pet rock's editing acumen, he simply points out that they can't even manage an email server.

*Badda bing*

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Thursday, March 10, 2016

Queen For A Scam

Meet Queen Colman.  Or so she claims to be.

This is how she introduces herself on the internet:

Hello, how are you today?
I am Queen Colman, i have vital information
that i want to disclose to you it is very urgent.


Urgent, eh?  I have my character respond promptly, if not urgently, and in a manure to see how good her reading comprehension is:

Where or what are you queen of?
Frank
Retired late actor & entremanure  
 
The answer to that question is, her reading comprehension early on ain't all that good:
 
 Dearest One,
How are you dear?, I am happy for your reply to my email .How was your day today? My name is Queen Colman 23 years old single and never married,I am the only daughter of my Father, am from Liberia in West Africa and presently i am residing in the camp here in Dakar Senegal as  result of the civil war that was fought in my country some years ago.

My late father Dr. David Colman, who was one of the most successful entrepreneurs in my country and my mother was a senior accountant Eco Bank in Monrovia the capital of my country and he was also the personal adviser to our former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed him with my mother in cold blood.

l don't have any relatives now whom l can go to all my relatives abscond in the middle of the war the only one l have now is Rev. Peter Robert who is the pastor of the (Chosen The Light Church ) here in the camp he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him rather i am leaving in the women hostel due to the camp have two hostels one for women & the other for men The Pastors Tel number is (00221784669648)  if you call tell him you want to speak with me, then he will send for me in the female hostel. As a refugee here i don't have any privilege to anything be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the tragic incident that lead to my being in this situation now took place.

Please listen to this,i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me which i will send to you later,because when he was alive he deposited some amount of money in a leading bank which he used my name as the next of kin,the amount in question is $2.7M(Two Million Seven Hundred Thousand US Dollars).

So i will like you to help me transfer this money to your account and from it you can send some money for me to get my traveling documents and air ticket to come over to meet with you.I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knows about it is the Reverend because he is like a father to me. Regarding to the above i will like you to be confidential and don't tell it to anyone for i am afraid of loosing my life and the money if people gets to know about it. Remember i am giving you all this information due to confident I confide on you. I like sincere, kind, respectful, honest and understanding people, truthful and a man of vision, truth and hardworking.I love English language but I would like to know many other if God give me the opportunity but i speak English very good .However I will like you to call me because we still have a lot to discuss. Attached below is my picture. I am seriously looking a nice  person of kind heart in my life.

Thanks and God bless you
Looking forward to your urgent response & have a nice day.
Yours In  Love


Queen.  
 
Okay...a further test of her reading comprehension is thus called for:
 
 
Well, I'll tell you about me.
I was born in the wagon of a traveling show.  My momma danced around for the money they'd throw.  Papa did whatever he could...preached a little gospel or selling gallon bottles of Dr. Hook.
From there I was inadvertently sent to a convent.  Me, in a convent, is kinda like sending a three peckered goat to a school for ewes. 
I graduated from there valleydicktorian, and then I began a business.
I was married once.  Once...when she left me she took the dawg, the truck, my collection of Slim Whitman records and dildo manufacturing machine that was the core of my business.
Been single since then.
So...are you looking for someone to be your sugar daddy, or are you looking for love in all the wrong places?  And where in Hell's half acre is Senegal?
Frank
Retired late actor & entremanure  
 
This test she -- or her handlers -- apparently passed.  No more emails from Queenie.

And my pet rock was so looking forward to getting to wear her crown.

"Was NOT!!!  PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!!"

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