Monday, December 29, 2014

Here We Go Again, Of Corpse

These people crack me up.  Seriously.


I love getting emails from someone asking if I'm dead.  Perhaps one of these times they won't get a reply, 'cuz I will be.






In the meantime, such an email cannot go ignored.






So for a little post Christmas nyuk nyuk, here's the email and my character's response:









Today at 6:32 AM
I am Mr David Charles

I am Mr David Charles, From zenith bank UK Limited . There is counter claims on your funds presently by one Mr. Jones Tsai,who is trying to make us believe that you are dead and even explained that you had an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your part payment of $7.5 Million US, kindly reconfirm to us, for your urgent release of the Premium immediately.Reconfirm the above information to avoid making payment to a wrong person.

Mr David Charles
Chairman Admin
zenith bank UK Limited




Mr. Jones Tsai is absolutely correct.  I died on October 29, 2014.  My funeral was on November 1 at Sea World.  Even Shamu attended.  Very moving service, albeit wet with an after smell of anchovies and all those penguins getting jammed up at the exit with their happy feet trying to get to a rest room before a penguin tsunami let go.  The seal orchestra playing "Nearer My Pier To Thee" was pretty awesome, other than when the conductor had to throw them all a fish to keep them playing in tune.  And Walter the Octopus, playing the bagpipes was incredible...until he and the bagpipes got in a fight.  That was something I was so glad to see only from above.  You might have seed it on pay-per-view.

At any rate, he can have the money.  Here on the Third Astral Plane, we have no need for such trivials.  Excuse me, I'm late for my "Life after Life" class.  


This was an uncompensated plug for Sea World, in case you work for the IRS...

Labels: , ,

Friday, December 26, 2014

A New Character, A New Loan Scam Take

Meet Frank Unsteen, my newest character in the stable of characters I use to screw with email scammers.  For his photo, when needed, Frank will use that of the late beloved TV actor Fred Gwynn of The Munsters fame.


Frank came along in time for a Christmas loan scam.  Frank has an interesting way of looking at scam emails.


Here's the game, starting with the scam ploy:




On Monday, December 8, 2014 11:43 PM, Katrina Benson <bensonfunds@yahoo.com> wrote:

Merry Christmas to all,

We have a 2% interest on the loan, even at the minimum and maximum above $5,000 $150 million for individuals and businesses, we offer everything types of loans, such as;

Christmas loans
Car loan
private loans
loan for entrepreneurs
e.t.c

Applicant Information

Full Name:
Amount needed:
Duration:
Country:
Phone #:
Purpose of loan:
Occupation:
Monthly income:  


Frank cued in on the "Christmas loans" category, and ran widdit:


How can you arrange for me to borrow Christmas?  Please give me details.  


Frank asks, the scammer unwittingly answers:


Please fill and return the information below and get back immediately for us to proceed

Applicant Information

Full Name:
Amount needed:
Duration:
Country:
Phone #:
Age:
Purpose of loan:
Occupation:
Monthly income:

Regards  


So Frank fills out the request in keeping with his original question:


Full Name:  Frank Unsteen, Jr.
Amount needed:  the entire holiday
Duration:  December 25, 2014
Country:  USA
Phone #:  ***-***-****
Age:  50
Purpose of loan:  I wish to make Christmas my own this year
Occupation:         Late TV actor
Monthly income:  Rather skimpy of late (see what I just did there?)  


Our scammer didn't recognize the play on Frank's name; but she apparently didn't take so well to Frank's loan request:


this serious lon business.  no time for game.  


Oh c'mawn...make time for game.  All work and no play make you a dull scammer.  


I guess the scammer's okay with being dull...

So if anyone feels like their Christmas was unusual this year, blame Frank.  He borrowed it.  Or at least, he tried to...

Labels: , ,

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

The Pet Rock vs Kim Jong Un Again

My pet rock, Seymour, apparently loves poking fun at North Korean spoiled brat Kim Jong Un.

In the latest tiff over the Sony hacks over the comedy movie The Interview, Un has his future spokesGainesBurgers spewing all sorts of threats against the US, South Korea, Mars and Alpha Centuri.

Which my pet rock finds funny.

So leave it to Seymour to weigh in with a news edit fitting of a spoiled brat:



Kim Jung Un Wets Himself In Frenzy Over Latest Threats To Make US Pay

OOPS News Soivice – Seymour PetRock


SEOUL, South Korea (OOPS) — North Korean spoiled brat Kim Jung Un is pissed again. So much so, he wet himself during a rant to the official spokesperson for North Korea's talking points Ministry of SOP Rants From Dear Leader.

And then had the spokesperson fed to hungry dogs, creating a new job opportunity akin to that his puppet dadda created with the translator in Team America: World Police.

Such drivel, piddle and tantrums are routine from North Korea's massive propaganda machine during times of high tension with anyone outside of Pyongyang. But a long statement from the powerful-enough-to-poke-through-soggy-toilet-paper National Defense Commission late Sunday also underscores Pyongyang's sensitivity at the fact that Hollyweird made a comedy about assassinating a spoiled brat, instead of making him the focal bad guy in another Parker/Stone Team America sequel. This continues to be a sore point with Kim Jong Un, causing him to get so wound up he feeds relatives to hungry dogs and trantrums to the point of fouling himself.

The U.S. blames North Korea for making hungry dogs sick and having a leader that constantly makes biohazard clean ups necessary in the palace that Kim Jong Il fed Hans Brix to a shark in.

The National Defense Commission, led by Kim, warned that unless the US and its allies cut loose with a large relief order of Depends, “I get very angrier some mores and you not gonna rike it”, making more empty-headed (if not empty panties) threats to use its 1.2 million-member army to take over Toledo.

"Our toughest counteraction will be boldry taken against Mount Rushmore where we know Team America to be ensconced, Horryweird, and Arec Bardwin," said the irritated and fouled Dear Leader to the fill-in spokesperson for the commission's Policy Department.

Horry...er..Hollyweird and Arec Bardwin were not available for comment.

North Korea and the U.S., which fought each other in the 1950-53 Korean War, remain technically in a state of war because Un continues to be pissed (and wet himself) over not as yet getting a starring role in a Parker/Stone Team America sequel. He also wants his own hit single like his father's “I'm So Ronery” that climbed to #1 on the Top #1 hit chart on North Korean Radio, KGAG.

The rivals are locked in an international standoff over the North bombarded South Korean waters and fish, it's SOP human rights abuses, and it's recent use of dogs to eat unsavory family members. 


Seymour is laughing so hard right now, he might just wet himself.

"Will NOT!!!"

Anyone know if there are geologic Depends for giddy pet rocks?

"PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"

Labels: , , , , , ,

Saturday, December 20, 2014

An Out Of This Woild Lottery Scam

It didn't start out that way...but that's how it wound up once my pet rock, Seymour, got done widdit.


Another UK based international internet email lottery.  Another one that I never entered, yet I won.


I'm a billionaire in unentered online lotteries.  I'm lucky to collect a powerball number on a real ticket.


Here's a piece of the email as received:




The National Lottery

Congratulations! Winning Notification!
UK online international Lottery Award Prize of £820,731.00 (Eight Hundred and Twenty
Thousand, Seven Hundred and Thirty One British Pounds).
Email Account Owner,
Congratulations!! We are happy to announce that you have won an online lottery prize in our
international lottery promotion.
Your active e-mail address attached to computer generated ticket number: BH 05607545
7152 withreference number UK/KA2C110EN5 has won UK Lottery 2nd category award prize.
Contact our Fiduciary agents immediately to commence release of your lottery prize by
providing details as listed below.


1. Full Name:
2. Email Address:
3. Age/Occupation:
4. Reference Number/Ticket Number
5 Phone Number:
6. Country:
7. Date of draw


UK Lottery Fiduciary Agents:
Mr. William Boyd
Foreign Service Manager
Watford Regional Centre
Tolpits Lane, Watford WD18 9RN .United Kingdom

Thank you and Congratulation once again!








At any rate, the lottery claimed I'd won a few thousand pounds.  I'd be happy to lose 40.


"I'll say!!!"


Shut up, Seymour.


At any rate, I allowed Seymour the snarky pet rock, a go at editing the lottery email.  It came out about how you'd expect an email edited by a snarky pet rock to wind up:








The Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Lottery


Congratulations! Winning Notification!  You winded!!!

A CPAP can hep with that, but I digress.

I am William Boyd, a crustacean sodomizer and all around clusterf**k of a lowlife, but
today I writes you with the bestest of news you can ever hopes to hears.  You are winded!!!

And you winned, too!

The first annual Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Lottery was holded
this day, and it was your good fortune that on this day, it was helded!  In places with
varying atmospheres and gravitational pulls of the leg, you could weigh anywhere from
normalcy to Eight Hundred and Twenty Thousand, Seven Hundred and Thirty One Pounds.

In the right places, you'd be the super Tubster!  And with a move to the righter places, you'd
win The Biggest Loser handily and every other bodily partily!

Of course, it is my hopps that it is here I shall makes you a big loser, yes?


On to the stuff that dreams are made wet until awakening next to donkey butt ugly:  
We are happy to announce that you have won an online outer space 'n time lottery prize in our
intergalactic lottery promotion. 

Your active e-mail address attached to a satellite launched in 1979 -- we prophesized your email
address even then, pretty kewl, huh?  -- had this winded and winned computer generated ticket
number: barackinsaneobola056075457152,  with reference number UK/KA2C110EN5, and included
with a side of fries and coleslaw, has winded and winned the aforementioned lottery!

Contact our alien Fiduciary agents immediately to commence release of your lottery prize by
providing details as listed below.

1. Full Name:
2. Email Address:
3. Age/Occupation:
4. Reference Number/Ticket Number
5 Phone Number:
6. Planet:
7. Country:
8. Date of draw

Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Fiduciary Agents:
Mr. William Boyd
Very Foreign Service Manager
Andromeda Regional Centre
Tolpits Lane, Watford WD18 9RN .Regulus 9,
Andromeda system (it beats being from Uranus)
Thank you and Congratulation once again!

Yours faithfully,
Angela M. Johnson. a multi-legged, three-headed antennae creature of dubious antecedence containing six vaginas that catch flies
(Online coordinator)
The Space, Asteroid And Other Ass 'n Roid Related Stuff Lottery

All windeds and winningses must be claimed not later than 15 LIGHT DAYS. After this date all unclaimed funds will be returned to Deep Space 9 by way of cosmic fart of immense proportions.

"Please do not reply back to the senders address or the from email address, this notification is sent automatically via computer thru the black hole in the middle of Eric Holder's mouth, and has been determined to be 100% fecal coated and rather unclean..  A response will not be attended by Human but computer that looks like HRC's immense ass, and will most likely scare children and small pets. 


 


I'm sure the DNC isn't appreciating receiving these email edits...but Seymour insists they get them.

"Do NOT!!!"


Labels: , , , ,

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Benin and Western Union *OOPS* Again

It appears that scammers in the Republic of Benin think that offereing a Christmas discount on a Western Union scam is a sure fire way to get money sent to them.  Here's how they planned to do it:








THIS IS OUR CONDUCT CODE ( 204)
Welcome to  Western Union Bonus Center
Benin Republic Send Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF THE WESTERN UNION MONEY
TRANSFER. COTONOU BENIN REPUBLIC/ADDRESS,
23 BOMBAY WAY,WHITE HOUSE,RUE,85745, COTONOU.
E MAIL ADDRESS = (
office.transfer@workmail.com) or (  western_union.federal@yahoo.fr  )
CUSTOMER CARE LINE;+229 99935539
And Receive Money Via Any Western Union Store Near You!

Hello  Dear Customer!

This is to notify all of you about the latest development concerning all the payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive Besides,  where you are given a bill  of $100,  in order to receive your payment which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now. Hence, our Western Union  is now offering a Special BONUS to help all our customers that are having their payment  in our custody due to of high prices. In order words we are now requesting that those involve should pay only the sum of $43. 00 to receive all their payment abandoned in our custody.

Besides, my dear, this is the opportunity for you and have to comply and your funds  shall be transfer to your designated address. But remember that after (5 DAYS) you did not make the payment then we will divert your funds to Government Fund, to avoid problem or we will cancel the payment for this year until next year  because this year is not like last year.

Again after (FIVE DAYS ) We will enter A new project  for the year and that is the reason why we decided to help  all our customers before we enter into the new project. So be  advise to send the $43.00 immediately so that we will register your payment and  you start receiving your transfer as from tomorrow in amount $4,500.00 in two payment daily. Be advise that there is no time again for we to call any person on phone unless you will call +229 999--355--39. After the payment of $43.00 you will start receiving your money every day $4,500.00 through Western Union until the full payment of $1.2m is completed. Amount to be receiving per day is $9,000.00.

Therefore you are requested to send the fee via western union money transfer with below information.

RECEIVER NAME ; EMMANUEL OBAGHA
COUNTRY -----;BENIN REPUBLIC
CITY--------;COTONOU
TEST QUESTION;HOW  LONG
ANSWER -------;NOW
AMOUNT ----;$43.00.
SENDER NAME;............
MTCN;...................

The moment i receive the payment of $43 i will release the first payment information's of $4,500 to you after 45minutes of the fee confirmation from you and you will pick up the money for another to be sending. Hoping to hear from you.   





My pet rock, Seymour, was anxious to take a crack at this and show off his new command of the English language, scammer style.  I don't think the scammers or the DNC were quite ready for it:






  
On Friday, December 5, 2014 1:51 AM, SAM JOE <kimberlydunn66@gmail.com> had this edited by a pet rock of geologic antecedence and few scruples, so that it now reads thus: 




THIS IS OUR MISCONDUCT CODE (2-oh-screw-you-4-munnies)
Welcome to  Western Union Bogus Center
Benin Repugnant Trying To Steal Money Worldwide
FROM OFFICE OF A FLY INFESTED INTERNET SCAM CAFE
TRYING LIKE HELL TO IMITATE WESTERN UNION MONEY
TRANSFER. COTONOU BENIN REPUGNANT/ADDRESS,
23 BOMBSAWAY WAY,OBOLA WHITE HOUSE,RUE,85745, COTONOU.
E MAIL ADDRESS = (
office.transfer@workmail.com) or (  western_union.federal@yahoo.fr  )
CUSTOMER LACK OF CARE LINE;+229 99935539

When it comes from Benin, you know you get screwed  ;-)

Hello  Intended Dupe!
 
This is to notify all of you -- even your parts that don't hear or see, which I learn about recently in geography class, genitals and earwax and stuff -- about the latest development concerning all the latest bullsh** we try pull here in Benin Repugnant!  Oh sh**, I not 'sposed to say that.  Ogun, where my talking ports?  Okay, here I goes...we gotz a payment that are left in our custody,which yours are inclusive.  You saby?   Besides, where you are given a bill  of $100, a duck is somewhere without a bill and they don't fly good widdout a bill.  In odor to receive your payment which we didn’t hear from you for sometime now -- you gots to contract us here in Benin Repugnant if you wants our moneyzgrams -- so our our Westin Onjons  is now offering a Special BOGUS to help all our customers help us rape their wallets. Was I sposed to tells that?  Dammit Ogun!

In order worlds we are now redacting that those involve with no-billed ducks should get a bill of $43.00 which we think will affect less ducks since many of thems don't gotz cheep bills.  
 
Besides, my dear, this is the opporscrewnity for me to have to comply and get your funds so I can buy my wife -- I marry to a baboon named Hillary -- a face lift and the crane what might can do it.  Hillary pretty big, y'see.  But remember that after (5 DAYS) you did not make the payment, we might be run different deal and all the stuff with ducks, bills, weighs and curds may be replace by different templant than what we are use nowser.  

In case you ax, I am prod of my comingle of the Anglash lumbagospeaks.   Rits it Purdy goodz, to.  Why?  because this year is not like last year.  It gotz diffrunt nombores in it.
 
Again after (FIVE DAYS ) it will be five days later.  This signifcornt, yes?  We start a gnu A new project  for the year and it will have us all being refugees from Dearborn MI living in non-existant refugee camps in Senegalese, performing pap smears on piranha Virginias.  That is the reason why we decided to help ourselves to  all our customers before we start something gnu and mebbe not all of you standunder a proctologyized rhino bung hole or piranha virginia getting it's pap smeared.  We plan to put vigeo of it on YouBoob soonest.  So be  advise to send the $43.00 immediately so that we will register you as a succor in our registree of succors so that ours like me can contract you and do you like obola and nancy Pelosi are do you.  Be advise that there is no time again for we to call any person on phone because meerkats pee on all our phone c'ept one, and it in Ogun's pocket.  He gotz in on vertebrate, so you will call +229 999--355--39 and give Ogun cheep spill. After the payment of $43.00 you will start receiving text msgs from online loan scammers like Dangote Alico and other dubious antecedents.  They wait and see how we do firstest.
 
Therefore you are requested to send the fee via westin onjon monkey transport with below information.
 
RECEIVER NAME ; EMMANUEL OBAGHAHEEHAHAHAHAHA
COUNTRY -----;BENIN REPUGNANT
CITY--------;COTONOU
TEST QUESTION;  IF SHEEP IS RAM AND DONKEY IS ASS
ANSWER -------; WHY RAM IN ASS A GOOSE?
AMOUNT ----;$43.00.
SENDER NAME;............
IN 500 SYNTAX OR LESS, 'SPLAIN THE GENITAL HISTORY OF PLANET URANUS AND HOW IT RELATED TO HARRY REID;...................
 
The moment i receive the payment of $43 i will most likely wet myselves most profusely...never had one of this works bethree.  Hoping to hear from you.

FOR THE MANAGEMENT
FROM DR. SAME JOE......
FOREIGN OPERATION MANAGER
WESTIN UNJON OFFICE BENIN REPUGNANT
THIS IS OUR MISCONDUCT CODE (2-oh-screw-you-4-munnies )  


Seymour's right proud of hisself, and is on the enemies list of everyone at the DNC...

"Am NOT!!!"

 

Labels: , , , ,

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Ya Don't Say

Once again...a state agency sends out an email that supposes all the recipients need to be told the obvious.


I won't name the state or the agency...but when I got a copy of it, it literally screamed to be edited.


And Seymour -- my editing pet rock -- was up to the task.  Note that you can tell what's edited and what's original...most of the original in black print, almost all of the edits in blue:




You are subscribed to Northwest place of people needing to be told the obvious - News for State Agency Department of Stating The Obvious. Sorry.  This information has recently been updated, and should be obvious to any breathing vertebrate with working eyes and thermometer.


11/24/2014 12:05 PM MST
 
Can you say DUH?????  Of COURSE you can!!!!
NORTHWEST state of people not believed to be too bright – As we move towards the holidays, a check of the calendar and a step out of door – taking care to sidestep Rover’s poo leavings – suggests to all but the most inattentive amongst us that winter – the season opposite of summer, unless you live on Uranus or Neptune where seasons and -500 degrees are SOP – is h’yah.  And th’yah.  And yes, it’s even managed to work its way into our western state.

Just in case the annual yeti migration did not get your attention by now.

“Our maintenance crews have been prepping for winter for quite a while now by learning what snow is, how it forms, why it doesn’t come as rain, and how if it wore purple hats it would be something entirely different in Toledo,” said Nolan Gronkputz, CDOSTO Maintenance-Of-The-Obvious Superintendent. “We ask motorists to become cognizant of what snow is, and how it can bring snowsnakes into your home to wrap around your water pipes and freeze them solid.  Also, why you should never try to shovel out your drive way when we’ve plowed it shut…we’re trying to tell you something, and you hurt our feelings when you try to undo all that we done.  Our goal is always to get the roads clear for yeti migration and penguin curling competitions, not to mention the platypus-manatee sled races, which foolishly I just mentioned”.

“The weather can change so quickly in this area of the state,” stated Snark Ork, acting Maintenance-Of-The-Dagnabbed-Obvious Superintendent for South Park. “Motorists who have taken the time to get their cars prepared for winter weather are boring.  We much enjoy the ones from Texas with pickup trucks mounting cowbells and no snowtires…when it goes spinning through an intersection, them cowbells is sooo kewl”.

The following information provides details on what winter weather is and what it ain’t:

WINTER TRAVEL TIPS:
  • Move to Florida before it snows.
  • If you didn’t, then we guess you orta make sure  you have good snow tires. How do you know if you need new snow tires? 1. Wait for snow.  2.  Drive.  3.  If you out of control, *DING DING DING* you need snow tires. 
  • Always keep the top half of your gas tank full. If gas gets into the bottom half of your tank, you're not listening and we will publish your name along with photoshopped pictures of you leaving a cheap motel with a stuffed llama...just sayin'. Everyone will point and laugh at you, without knowing why.
  • If you are stuck in at home with food, water and Xbox when a serious storm hits, so what?  Wait to leave home until a comical storm comes along.  Lackadaisical storms are kinda fun too.
  • Show your significant other who’s boss:  make her carry blankets, water, a flashlight, a shovel, some nutrition bars or other food for sustenance. After six months on the couch, you’ll figure out we were kidding.  Hehe. 
  • Remember that 4-wheel drive does not mean interplanetary passes to the Planet Moolah. A 4-wheel drive vehicle will not stop any choreographed yeti banzai charge, nor will it prevent prickly heat.  It might help with moving your mother-in-law’s fruitcake collection.
  • Know the chain laws. They moved into your neighborhood last month.
  • Drive for the opportunity to test the conditions. In poor visibility or even whiteout conditions, just stomp the gas and go for it.  Especially if you’re driving a pickup truck with inadequate tires and cowbells.  We lurve watching them spinning through intersections, sounding bovine Battle Stations.
In addition to these winter driving tips, CDOSTO reminds all motorists to disrespect winter weather;  it can’t operate a remote, play cribbage or Xbox and it sure as hell can’t play music in its armpits. 




Seymour's pretty proud of hisself, while this particular state agency is looking to find and use Seymour for snow maintenance.


"Are NOT!!!"

Labels: ,

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Another Talking Desk In Scamland

They must love to have talking desks in Scamland.  Here's yet another one:




FROM THE DESK OF:MR PAUL GABA
ABSA Bank, South Africa   
Tel:  +27- 83 736 4032
Fax: +27- 86 549 0852
                                                                           
  
 
Dear Sir/ Madam,
 
 
I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before but faith that it will be of immense benefit to both of us. My name is Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of   ABSA Bank, South Africa  I got your contact through the South African Chamber of Commerce in my earnest search for a reliable individual who can assist me to make this transaction a reality but I did not disclose the nature of the business to them. There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG STUDEMANN who died with his entire family & 44 others in a Pacific Southwest Airlines Flight 1771 Wednesday, December 9, 1987.
 
 
 This fund was deposited since 1985 and since 1986 nobody has operated on this account. After going through some old files in my possession, I discovered that the owner of this dormant account Mr. Wolfgang Studemann does not exist anymore and that if I do not urgently remit this fund outside South Africa , it would be forfeited by the government for nothing. I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner with foreign bank account; the bank management is ready to approve this payment to any foreigner who has the correct information of this account which I will provide to you. Should this interest you and to indicate your interest and willingness to assist me in this venture. I will introduce and approve you as his next of kin for you to receive the fund. We can share it 50/50.
 
I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with me. If you are interested, please send me a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com 
 
I will be glad t clarify you on any question. Thanks.
 
Tel: +27- 83 736 4032  


My pet rock, Seymour, always wanted to imitate a talking desk in edit mode.  Here's his chance, and he gets...uh...really weird with it. 

"Do NOT!!!":


FROM THE DESK OF:MR PAUL GABA
ABSA Bank, South Africa   
Tel:  +27- 83 736 4032
Fax: +27- 86 549 0852
                                                                           
  
 
Dear Sir/ Madam,
 
 
Yes, I am really a talking desk, and yes, I am really talking to you.  Granted, not audibly, but via the magic of email.  Not that email is all that magic any more.  I tried magic once and tried to pull Taylor Swift out of my drawers.  All that came out was a squirrel, and most of you menfolk would NEVER remove Taylor Swift from your drawers, but I as a desk digress. 

I write to introduce this urgent business proposal to you irrespective of the fact that we have not seen or known each other before.  And don't be misled by thinking that when you've seen one talking desk, you've seen them all.  Uh-uh, no siree bob.  I am unique in talking desks; one of my drawers also works as a toilet.  A real flushing toilet.

I'll get back to that here in a 'mo.  Meantime, to biscuits.

I am the desk of  Mr. PAUL GABA, the Credit officer of ABSA Bank, South Africa  I got your contact through the same means that all of us talking desks get y'all contacts...from a laminated parrot turd oracle named Ogun.  He cleans toilets at the South African Chamber of Commerce.  Yes, they actually have some there.

In my earnest search for a gullible dolt that believes in talking desks, I need your assistance to make this transaction a reality; as merely a talking desk, I can't do jackwagon sh**.  Mayhaps you can.  There is an outstanding sum of US$5,500.000.00 (Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) deposited by the LATE MR. WOLFGANG VON SCHWEPPERVESCENTSPITZENSPARKENPUTZ who died trying to say his name fast backwards three times on America Lacks Talent with Ben Afflack. 
 
Only pmsnbc would carry such a show.

This fund was deposited since 2011 and since 2014 nobody has operated on this account.  No one here knows how to operate; one of them tried to be a goat proctologist, but he got trampled when he snapped on the gloves and said "now bend over and say "BAAAAAAAAA"!"  Not too bright was he.  After going through some old files in my drawers, I also found some billing records that belong to HRC, Obola's birth certificate from Uranus, Joe Bidumb's brain scan (it was negative), and Nancy Pelosi's vaginal implant (she used to be Al Sharpton). 

All of these things were forfeited to the government for nothing.  Which makes sense; who'd want sh** like that?  I certainly didn't.  I'd be okay with Taylor Swift in my drawers, but I digress again.  I am contacting you because of the need to involve a foreigner who can figure out how to get Taylor Swift in my drawers.

Should this interest you, say the word and we'll split Taylor Swift 50/50.  Well, actually 99/1.  I just want her toe nails.  I'm a desk with a fetish.
 
I will furnish you all information upon your acceptance to part with the guy I'm a desk for. If you are interested, please send him a mail to MRPAULGABA@hotmail.com because I as a desk cannot get back to you. 
 
I will be glad t clarify you on any question, including how you can help me get rid of the drawer that works like a flush toilet.  I hate having it back up during the lunch hour around here.  And if any one of you can tell me how to pull a Taylor Swift out of my drawers, I'd be obliged.  She'd be far and above the nicest thing that Paul Gaba keeps in me.  Those stupid bondage magazines about sodomizing goats and being sex slaves to them are disgusting, though they do make me laugh at times.. Thanks.
 
Tel: +27- 83 736 4032  





If I didn't know any better, I'd say that my pet rock as a thing for Taylor Swift.



"And your point is?"



Good point, Seymour...






Labels: , , , ,

Monday, December 8, 2014

Dangote Alico Goes Trans...

A couple-three months back, I played the scammer Dangote Alico, who actually believed that he was recruiting my character to help him pull off an online loan scam on some poor schlep in South America.










As that episode closed, I kept urging Dangote to learn from the 'zen master'...and Dangote never did.


So he contacted me again...this time as...well, I'll let you read his opening gambit:












Greetings My beloved friend, I am mindful of the fact that you do not know me, so I expect that
your first reaction to this mail will be total rejection, scare and may be unbelief, owing largely to the atrocities people commit these days. But this mail comes from a devastated, sorrowful and emotional heart that needs compassion from a kind and good spirited person to wipe away my tears, perhaps when I am gone beyond this sinful world. I sincerely apologize for any
inconvenient my email may cause, I know the internet is not safe anymore, people have abused it so much that it is difficult to trust anyone, lies, deceit, impersonation and theft to name
but few. so please, i am begging you to handle what i am about to say with pure heart and utmost secrecy. If after reading this email, you feel you cannot be of any help to me, please delete this message to avoid internet mongers pretending to me, tampering with my email, Please do not respond to any email from anyone that pretending to me i beg you.



 My name is Mrs Imani Vaserman , I am a 63 years old widow of circumstance, married to an Israeli Zoologist/Researcher. We had a beautiful daughter (Hadassa) who died in 1998 after 7yrs battling with Quadriplegia paralysis, the kind that affect the spinal cord of a person, leaving such person completely unable to move. She became paralyzed after an accident during one of her skating practice. All this years, I have been trying to leave with the loss of my only child, until death in its uninvited manner came knocking again, this time, my beloved husband, my only source of happiness was taking away while on a research mission on November 12, 2001 on a plane crash with other passengers On American Airlines Flight 587...  








You get the idea.  Ol' Dangote still wants money for school...or for his mom...or for his transition to a transgender...or for his handler/lover Ogun...whatever.










Naturally, I wanted to help ol' Dangote out...so I edited the obvious faults I found in his email, and sent them out to him and 50 of his peers and colleagues:













Greetings My intended dupe, I am mindful of the fact that you do not know me, so I expect that
your first reaction to this mail will be painful rectal itch, since I had a witch doctor insert that to
take effect when you opened it.  If it didn't work, pleased to advice me so I can fire that rat
bastard.

But this mail comes from a devastated, sorrowful and emotional asshole -- that would be me,
Dangote Alico -- because my previous online lending scam went phffffft.  You see, I really
suck at this sh**.

Though I say I sincerely apologize for any inconvenient this email may cause, I am full of sh**.
I mean for this email to be as inconvenient as possible for you if you play along with me.

I know the internet is not safe anymore because of total mugu assholes like me, Dangote
Alico, who is full of lies, deceit, impersonation and horrible smells emanating from my
armpits and ass.


Still, I am begging you to pay no attention to the start of this email, and just go with what's
to follow.  If you cannot be of help to me, may the gastrointestinal droppings of 10 billion
hummingbirds find their way to your home.  I figured I'd better go with 10 billion, because
those damned hummingbirds ain't so big y'know.  I didn't until I readed it in Wikipissonme,
that online source of dubious antecedent knowledge run by Robinson Buckler, a knowd
sodomizer of hamsters.

If after reading this you feel you cannot help but laugh at me, fuck you.  I already have
peoples laughing at me thanks to the last person I thought I could dupe, and he duped
me instead.

Though I admitted here that I am Dangote Alico, a failed scammer from Nigeria, for the
porpoise of this email I am really Flipper...I'm sure Greenpeace will help me if they
believe that.
.
I was married to Mr. Limpet, who met a tragic end in the waters off Dearborn, Michigan,
when he realized what a limpet was when his timer ran out.  The explosion sank
Michael Moore's badly strained rubber duck with Moore in it, causing a first ever tsunami to hit Waukegan, IL.  You can read about it in the Weekly World News or perhaps the Onion.

All this years, I have been trying to live with painful vaginal itch, which is curious since
I am really a guy and not a wymen porpoise.  I know this all sounds so confusing, so
I went to a shrink to talk about my problem, only to have my shrink, after one session,
dive out his one story window and fall to his death in an unclean catbox left there by
the shrink's wife who never like him anyway.  After my husband death from an
expired timer, I am bed ridden in the annual Central City Madam Lou Bunch bed
races, where I came in 21st out of 20 entrants.  See, I can't even do that right.

Anyway, to further add to my talking points angst, I lost my daughter to a skating accident when she accidentally wound up on the same rink with Tonya Harding.  Don't you hate when that happens, particularly when there's a Gilooly character around.

To avoid further drivel that this email is becoming, I will want you to get back to me
to ask me what the f**k a porpoise can be writing you an email about.  I was also
supposed to include here some schlock about the glory of Allah, but what glory
can there be in being a 6th Century bed wetter?  Also you have to assure me you will
keep this transaction confidential because if you tell anyone that you're having
email speaks with a porpoise, you'll be committed on a 72 hour mental health hold,
and that will surely f**k up my plans here. Presently, my condition has become more complex to an extent that it has spread into my dorsal fins, consequently, due for another surgery that my
doctors told me it is not certain i will be able to live in a world full of wonder
under the sea after.  Plus they find that my late spouse the not-so-incredible Mr.
Limpet apparently had a limpet surgically implanted in my porpoise vagina, meaning
I'm due for a helluva bang at some point near term.

A strange world I live in, eh?  I'm going to stake that witch doctor rat bastard, Robinson
Buckler, to an army ant hill.  Prick.

So do write back to me soonest so that I may be helped in a manure befitting of the story
I just telled you.  I do this on porpoise...and if you see what I just do there, you see why I
not quit my day job as a goat anal inspector.

PS:  see, I can't even fix my gawddamned email address for a new scam.  





That drew this from good ol' Dangote:












are you not help me please?  





I are help you with the edit.  The zen master awaits your acceptance that you get it.


get what?  





I guess that means the 'zen master' still waits...  






God punish u  








LMAO!  God is laughing right along with me at you.  So is anyone who accesses blogs on the world wide web.  Did you know that for all the fun I've made of the Nigerian Illumininnies, there are hundreds of links to those posts?  Oh yeah...and more links to the post where I handled you.  God is laughing with me, at you.  Count on it.





Poor ol' Dangote.  What will he become next in Scamland...hrc begging for her chance to be inevitable?  Don't be surprised, said the zen master....


 

Labels: , ,

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Seymour Irritates The Pudginator Again

My pet rock, Seymour, loves his edits.  Especially when it involves the latest "dear leader" of the peculiar blackhole of humanity, North Korea.


Seeing an article that Kim Jong Un was demanding that no one else have his name, Seymour was moved to weigh in:






North Korea Reader Gets Screwed Up Order At Pyongyang Eatery And Goes On (yet another) Epic Rant




PAHRUMP (Roto-Rooters) – After an epic screw up at a McScrewDaPeoples “look fast, the food is gone” restaurant, North Korea's dubious antecedent leader throwd hisself a monumental hissy, and has ordered people who share his name to change their names, sources trying not to be too close to the pudgy snitster reported on Wednesday.


“Onry I be Kim Jong Un, not one nobody more!” shrieked His Pudgeness during a post “WTF is this” snit he threw at the aforementioned restaurant, finding that his order of McDog Nuggets was actually substitute tofu nuggets at the behest of the North Korean chapter of PETA.


Which was officially banned that day, and all of its members fed to sharks off Wonsan.


His Pudgeness imposed similar bans on movies, cartoons, newspapers and magazines – print and online – according to the same “giving him a wide berth just now” sources. Unfortunately for the Un-ster, his wide ranging bans don't mean much outside of North Korea. 
 
Herr Dr. Kim Jong Unmeister, editor in chief of the Liechtenstein Das Ist Crap Undt Schtuff daily responded by emailing the ranting Pudgester a hearty “Phffffffffffffffffffensee” and declared the month of December “Everyvun In Liechtenstein Ist Kim Jong Un Fer Das Month Undt Schtuff, Ja!” While the DNC in Washington DC is weighing filing lawsuits against anyone making fun of the Pudgester over this – “We be politically correct, first, last, irrelevantly” driveled a spokepoison during an unattended press conference – entrepreneurs across the rest of the world, along with five of seven surveyed planets with life forms of varied degrees, were setting up a landmark t-shirt business, selling shirts proclaiming “I'm a Kim Jong Un, He's a Kim Jong Un, She's a Kim Jong Un, Wouldn't You Like To Be a Kim Jong Un too?”. 
 
“We expect sales to go astronomically blackhole” marveled Kim Jong Un, spokesKim Jong Un for the business. “I mean, just look at the name...it's sounds so Dung Chow Plick, y'know?”. 
 
Official North Korean sources are reporting that His Pudgeness is none too preased, and is prepared to declare war on Liechtenstein, Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, Neptune and Uranus.


Kim Jong Il, the father of the current leader, is dead. Kim Il Sung, the grandfather of the current leader, likewise. Just in case you didn't know.


South Korea's Unification Ministry, which handles ties with the North, could not immediately confirm the report that it's handing out “good for a day Kim Jong Un name changes” to the staff, but said it was plausible.


"The rant is highly possible since Un still hasn't gotten the role in another Team America World Police movie that he's been demanding," a ministry official chuckled.


It is not known how many people there are in North Korea called Kim Jong Un, but sources are sure a rash of Billy Bob and Bobbie Jo Jong Uns is going to be making the rounds.    


Seymour PetRock NewsEdits, UnLtd 




It is rumored that His Pudgeness has also declared war on my pet rock.  At least Seymour needn't worry about being eaten by hungry dogs.


"Oh PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!"




Labels: , , ,

Monday, December 1, 2014

SuleyMON!

Didn't Neil Diamond sing something about someone by that name?


I reckon he wasn't talking about THIS tart.


Meet Miss Zaynab Suleyman, as I did:




Good-Day My Dear Respected One,

Nice To Meet You, I pray this message reaches you in the best of health and imaan. I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the transfer and investment of my inheritance funds (USD 9.5M) Nine Million Five Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars from my late father who died mysteriously.

I am Mis.Zaynab Suleyman, I am 21years old, am only child of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.Abdull Suleyman. I got your contact email from international domain database and I decided to contact you for this offer, that is based on trust and you’re outstanding.

I need your assistance in transferring the fund to your account for investments purpose. The transaction is 100% legal and risk free on both sides hence you are going to follow my instruction till the fund is transferred and secured into your account.

It was very evident that my father was poisoned to death. In my culture, when a man dies, if he does not have a male child, the brother takes his property leaving the wife and the daughters empty handed. This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter, I lost my mother when I was barely a year old and my father refused to re-marry despite all persuasion by friends and relatives, because he felt solely responsible for my mother's death, as he only concentrated on his business that he rarely pays attention to family affairs, He ensured that I will had everything that I wanted. It was as a result that he made me the next of kin to his fund deposit with the bank and stated that in the event of any eventuality, I should have a direct access to the funds only when I am 25 years otherwise, I should have a guardian to intercede on my behalf for the release of the funds to me for investments purpose.

Unlucky he passes away and I wanted to transfers the fund to over sea for investments purpose due to my current situation. Please if you are interested in this offer kindly give me your full assurance, I has decided to contact you hope that you will find this offer interesting to assist me, on your confirmation of this message indicate your interest, I will furnish you with more details as read from you, I made a solemn vow through God as soon as we get the fund sucessfuly transferred into your bank account i will offer 10% of the total fund to the orphanage over there in your country and 20% for your kind effort out of the total fund, while 70% will invest in profitable business and managing by you while I continue my studies. Endeavor to let me know your decision.


If you are not interested please delete and do not bother to respond.

But If you are interested your urgent response will be appreciated.Talk to you the more sincerely.
Best regard
Mis.Zaynab Suleyman 





I decided to deliberately misread the 'respond/don't respond' instructions, and responded with an edit I'm sure that will leave her wondering who the hell Ogun is, too:




Good-Day My Dear "I Hope To Disrespected One",

Nice To Meet You in cyberspace.  It spares me from you seeing what I really look like...fatter than the ass end of a water buffalo.

I pray this message reaches you and totally fucks up your health and imaan. I am writing this mail to you with tears and sorrow from my heart, and I've burned up a half dozen lap top computers trying to write with tears, so I tell Ogun this sh*t isn't working, and he give me his iphone and tell me not to cry on it or he turn my vagina into a crotch cricket retreat.  I think that mean I not get his iphone wet, huh?

I humbly write to solicit for your partnership and assistance in the pillage and molestation of any money you have, cuz I ain't gots none.  I live in West Africa, and three things we have in abundance here don't include money.  My late father who died mysteriously, was my pimp.  Tells you he probably voted democrap.

The talking points I got from Josh Earnest say....oh sh*t, they don't talk, I have to say them...lemme see here...oh, there we go...I am Mis.Zaynab Suleyman, I am 21years old, am only child of my late parents Mr. and Mrs.Abdull Suleyman. I got your contact email from international domain database etched in a bathroom stall in Burundi.  I decided to contact you for this offer because anyone etched on a bathroom stall in Burundi is okay in my book.  Oh, and my talking points say to butter you up by saying that is based on trust and you’re outstanding.

Hope the weather's nice where you're standing out.

I need your assistance in transferring your funds to my handlers for the sole purpose of allowing them not to have to find and hold a job.  Which not one of them can.  Shiftless clods all.

The transaction is 100% illegal and risk free to me hence you are going to follow my instruction till every last dime in your account is in the feces-covered hands of my handlers (we're out of toilet paper and they refuse to use their shirts). 

It was very evident that my father was poisoned to death by me. In my culture, when a man dies, if he was pimping out his daughter, a pox on his genital warts.  This is the exact case with me as I am the only daughter, I poisoned the bastard because he try to contract me out to a Nigerian UN peacekeeping farce as part of their "afternoon delight" program.  Asshats.  I lost my mother when I was touring in Detroit -- I think she wound up in Newark with our luggage -- it was as a result that I wound up working a computer in a fly-infested internet cafe, trying to make money for Ogun.

I'd rather have sex with Bob Beckel.  And if you've seen him, you know that this suggests that Ogun is a real piece of sh*t.

Unlucky for me Ogun read this over my shoulder so you better come through for me.  Please if you are interested in this offer kindly give me your full assurance, I has decided to contact you hope that you will find this offer interesting to assist me, on your confirmation of this message indicate your interest, I will furnish you with more details as read from you, I made a solemn vow through a wildebeest anus that was dried, treated and hung up on the wall here for us to worship, that I find someone like you to cheat. Endeavor to let me know your decision.

If you are not interested please don't delete this; instead, respond and in 500 words or less, tell Ogun what kind of an asshat he is.

But If you are interested your urgent response will be appreciated.Talk to you the more  insincerely.
Best regard
Mis.Zaynab Suleyman
mis.zaynabsuleyman247@yahoo.com
An equal opportunity internet nincompoop  




I didn't hear from Suleyman...who apparently can read a little...but I did hear from one of the many scammers I've peppered with these edits, long after he and I ran out of things to say to each other:


stop this!!!!!!!  




I can't...the brakes went out and we're on an 8% grade....WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.  




He didn't appreciate my imitation of Maxwell the Pig....

Labels: , ,