Saturday, June 29, 2013

A Bad Scam, A Worse Reply

"Is NOT!!!"

We'll let the readers be the judge, Seymour.

My pet rock, Seymour, occasionally likes to weigh in on scammers.  He also fancies hisself a bit of a lyricist, occasionally penning song parodies.

"Do NOT...they're ORIGINAL LYRICS!"

We'll let the readers be the judge of that as well, Seymour.

At any rate, got me another of those emails from an alleged member of the US Armed Forces overseas, who claims to have a large sum of money over in Iraq/Afghanistan/Detroit/et al, and needs my help in 'liberating' it.

Here's the email as I received it from "Monica Brown":


Dear Friend, I quite believe that you will be surprise to receive this letter.Well I don’t mean any harm rather I write to seek your assistance in a business transaction that will mutually benefit you and me.Before I proceed with my business proposal, I shall first of all disclose my identity to you. My names is Monica Brown, a sergeant in the US army, 25 years of age, single and never been married, my address is #3 Oak Drive, Lake Jackson, TX 77566 United States but right now I am currently serving in USA Victory Base Baghdad but was posted to work as Intelligence Agencies attached with United States of America Embassy Baghdad-Iraq. I made total sum of $6.5 Million US dollars which I have successfully moved out of Iraq to Swift Expert Company for Safe Keeping and to be use for investments with reliable and trusted foreign investor. The fund is oil business money I did with some Iraqi citizens worth over 42 million US dollars, but the $6.5 million US dollars stated is my share on the business and it’s legal. I have successfully moved the funds out of Iraq as family valuables with help of Expert Diplomatic Company. The most important thing is ''' Can We Trust each other? Am offering you 30% share of the total funds while we use the rest 70% for our investments.You have to take control of all investments and will be coming to meet with you later as soon as I have vacation but please I have more interest on real estate. Kindly indicate on your next mail if you are really interested to partner with me so i will provide to you more detail information on how we will move forward. Note that the whole process is very simple and we must keep a low profile at all times and i want all our communications to remain on emails for now.I look forward to your reply and co-operation.Kindly send me an email to my private email address (monicabwn@yahoo.com) My Regards, Sgt.Monica.
 
 
Even Seymour said that this one broke the "Bullshevik" meter.  And he wanted to play.
 
So what did Seymour have in mind?  Well...he noted that Monica's last name was "Brown".
 
*TOING*    And even I heard that one...it sounded like crackling sandstone.
 
"Did NOT!!!"
 
Sandee Clark is probably the only one that will get that...at any rate, Seymour suddenly demanded that I set him on a piece of paper and hook him up with a pen.
 
Having flexible scotch tape about, I was able to meet Seymour's request, so that Seymour could, in his words, "let the creative minerals flow" into a lyrical response to whom he began to refer to as "Mrs Brown".
 
The next *TOING* was mine, for I realized where Seymour was going with this...once again into ParodyLand.
 
"Did NOT!!!"
 
Really?  I'll bet even Seymour recognizes the folks in this picture:
 
 
"Uh....no".

Seymour, you just parodied a hit song of theirs from the '60s.

"Did NOT!!!"

Hokay...readers, you be the judge.  Here is the "lyrical response" that Seymour sent to "Sgt-Mrs Brown":


Mrs. Brown you've got a lousy scam here
 Sh*t as dumb as this is SOP
  But it's sad, you couldn't fool a cow
 I showed your scam to one and all it did was moo

Now you're pissed cuz I see what you sent me
 I'll tell you shove this stuff up your fat ass
 Things ain't changed, you've sent an inept scam
 This scam is proof enough, you're dumb as a tree stump
 
Lookin' about, yours is the worst scam here
folks pick it out
makes you look a ..."Mu-gu!"
 
Now you know you can't fool f**king no one
Take your 'stripes' and shove them up your ass
Things ain't changed, you've sent an inept scam
This scam is proof enough, you're dumb as a door knob
 
Lookin' about, yours is the worst scam here
folks pick it out
makes you look a ..."Mu-gu!"
 
Now you know you can't fool f**king no one
Take your 'stripes' and shove them up your ass
Things ain't changed, you've sent an inept scam
This scam is proof enough, you're dumb as a door knob
 
Mrs. Brown you've got a lousy scam here
Mrs. Brown you've got a lousy scam here
Mrs. Brown you've got a lousy scam here ... 


I reckon Herman's Hermits would recognize their own tune, don't you?

"Herman's Who?"

At any rate, Seymour did not get a reply from "Sgt" Monica Brown.

A ring up from the Hermit's attorney might be in the offing, though...

"Will NOT!!!  But get their autograph if they do..."

*TOING*

Labels: , ,

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Whenst The Whereas Is Appended...

Ain't this purdy?

Looks almost offishul, don' it?

Yep..some scammers can do it up purdy.

Like Alvin Brown.

He claims he's a "soljur".  A US "soljur".  He fit in Afghanistan. 

And found a sh**pot of money there.

He says.

Now he needs ME to hep him get it over h'yar.

Well, Alvin ain't a complete dummy; he went and got hisself a very nice legal agreement that he and my character were to sign off on, before he went and gived me the business.

Here's a portion of it...for you lawyer folks out there, it orta impress you:


FUNDS MANAGEMENT AGEREEMENT
MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING This FUNDS MANAGEMENT AGREEMENT (the "Agreement") made and entered into in London, UK executed by MR. ALVIN BROWN of 32 Alexandra Rd, Gorseinon, SWANSEA UK, SA4 4NJ London (hereinafter referred to as the "Investor" which expression shall where the context admit, include his next of kin, legal representatives and assigns) and BEN DOVER of *** ******* Street, Central City CO 80427 USA (hereinafter referred to as the "Funds Manager")  For and in consideration of the mutual covenants contained herein and for valuable services, receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties hereto agree to enter into this Funds Management Agreement.
WHEREAS, the Funds Manager hereby irrevocably certifies, represents and warrants, on behalf of the Investor with full corporate authority and responsibility, under penalty of perjury, that he has full responsibility for the amount of investment and with full power to sign and manage the investment...(yada, yada, yada)


Besides his template having 'agreement' typoed, it ain't bad.  Not bad at all.

But it don' look like dat no more.

Nawp...the one that my character signed and sent back has had a bit of 'creative editing' applied to the text, by the party of the second part (with a different designation to come).  Mayhaps any of my legal friends/readers out there will recognize the basic "Law Verbiage 101" that worked it's way into the text:


FUNDS MISMANAGEMENT AGREEMENT
MEMORANDUM OF MISUNDERSTANDING

This FUNDS MISMANAGEMENT AGREEMENT (the "Instrument of Ca-ca") made and entered into in London, UK executed via onion flatulence by MR. ALVIN BROWN of 32 Alexandra Rd, Gorseinon, SWANSEA UK, SA4 4NJ London (hereinafter referred to as the "Douche Nozzle" which expression shall where the context admit, include his next of kin, legal representatives and assigns) and BEN DOVER of *** ******* Street, Central City CO 80427 USA (hereinafter referred to as the "Fun With Texts Manager")


For and in consideration of the mutual covenants contained herein and for valuable services, receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, the parties hereto agree to enter into this Funds MisManagement Agreement.


WHEREAS, the Fun With Texts Manager hereby irrevocably certifies, represents and warrants, on behalf of the Douche Nozzle with full corporate authority and responsibility, under penalty of nodda damn thing, that he has full responsibility for the amount of bullsh*t this document implies and with full power to sign and say any f**king thing he wants to herein;


WHEREAS; The Douche Nozzle hereby irrevocably certifies, represents and warrants, under penalty of having his penis eaten by locusts, that he is duly authorized as the Douche Nozzle and has full possession of 10,000,000 Iranian Crotch Crickets, and the Crotch Crickets are well contained until such time as they are not to be contained any more, at which time it’ll suck to be wherever those f**king little beasties are loose.


THEREFORE; in consideration of the mutual Agreement, the Fun With Texts Manager and Douche Nozzle, both parties hereby jointly agree to try to f**k over one another, and may the best man win, which will likely be the Fun With Texts Manager, because the Douche Nozzle has already demonstrated dubious antecedence, brain atrophy, and a shrunken penis after having sodomized Afghan goats.


ARTICLE 1. TERMS AND CONDITIONS
The purpose of this Agreement is a jackwagon load of pork cous cous, and doesn’t mean fallopian tubes in the scheme of whatever the Douche Nozzle intended in the first place. Results will be 0% to the Douche Nozzle and 100% to the Fun With Texts Manager. Snerx.


ARTICLE 2. RIGHT GRANTED
The Douche Nozzle guarantees with full responsibility that he is, in fact, a douche nozzle, with authentication papers and a mama that will certify it, once she finishes banging all the soldiers in the Syrian Army barracks.
The Fun With Texts Manager guarantees the Douche Nozzle to give him 100% scambaiting sh*t 100% of the time, under the "imprudent man gets f**ked rule" and accept and follow not one of the Douche Nozzle’s instructions as to how this sh*t was supposed to have gone down.


ARTICLE 3. COMMUNICATION NOTICE  
 
All notices, designations, consents, rejections, acceptances, clusterf**ks, twatwaffles, ruptured ducks and/or anything heretofore or afterfive, or any other communications given, shall be sent via e-mail of the Parties, only in very special circumstances shall the communication be by carrier pterodactyl.


ARTICLE 4. GENERAL PROVISIONS
1. This Agreement represents the entire agreement between the Parties hereto, thereby and WTF, and is binding only to the Douche Nozzle.
2. All warrants and representations herein shall survive the closing of this Agreement. After closing...it’s a f**king mosh pit, dude.
3. It is duly understood that in the events any section of this Agreement should be voided or is unenforceable under competent authority or provisions of law, in arbitration or in court, the remaining articles of the Agreement shall make the court laugh its’ ass off.
4. The Douche Nozzle and the Fun With Texts Manager shall be unequally bound; Fun With Text Manager is free to do what the f**k he wants, and the Douche Nozzle is stuck with it thus.
5. This Agreement is signed in two counter-parts, both of which shall have differing levels of bindance; 100% on the Douche Nozzle, and 0% on the Fun With Texts Manager.


ARTICLE 5. GOVERNING LAW
This Funds MisManagement Agreement and any controversy or claim arising from the compliance or violation of the same will be construed and interpreted in accordance with the laws of the planet Uranus and Douche Nozzle will be expected to appear at the preliminary hearing of the said court.


ARTICLE 6. FORCE DOJOUR
Should any of the Force DOJOUR circumstances, including but not limited to natural calamity, fire, floods, war, no soup for you, hostility, civil commotion, cattle rape, fall-down-go-booms, embargoes, strikes, lock-outs, barlighting disasters, farts in elevators, genital warts or intestinal blockades, preventing the Fun With Text Manager from wholly or partially carrying out his contractual obligation, the Douche Nozzle is 100% liable to pay all expenses and fees incurred by the Fun With Texts Manager.


ARTICLE 7. PROTECTION OF CONFIDENTIALITY
It is the duty and responsibility of the Fun With Texts Manager to do everything in his power to publish and publicize , in the most unconfidential manner, all information relating to persons and the investment, surrounding and connected with the transaction under his management.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF; the Parties to this Agreement set their signatures and duly executed the foregoing instrument of ca-ca or caused the same to be executed on the date hereunder written.
Agreed to and Accepted by: Agreed to and Accepted by:


On the 13
th day of June, 2013       on the __21___ day of _June__, 2013
 
-----A. Brown------------------- ___
Ben Dover________
 
 
Signed: ALVIN BROWN. Signed: BEN DOVER



It might take Alvin a few days to digest all this; in which case he'll proceed as if he hadn't read what I sent him back and that all is on schedule for him.  OR...he'll read it, and I hear not a nuddah woid from Alvin Brown.

*Jeopardy Theme*...

Labels: , ,

Sunday, June 23, 2013

She Won't Be Complimenting The Season Any More

Esther Kwambe may get points -- from someone -- for persistence.

But those points I think just ran out on one of my email addresses.

Even after making fun of her email from here, and then having her respond to another scammer's email as if it was a response to hers -- again from this address -- might you think she'd figure out that this particular email address is a bit of a waste of time?

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

She sent me a third pitch for the same scam.  Here.

I wasn't about to disappoint her.

Well okay...so I did.  How much so you'll soon see.

Meantime...whaddaya do with a dingbat scamstress like this?  Well, here's what I dun:


Disclaimer:  the following email scam "offer" has been edited, and does not necessarily reflect the views, ethics, morays or other eels of the originator, her handlers, fly-infested internet cafe, or the International Union of Email Scammers 911, with offices in some pretty unspeakable places, unless you like to sit in wildebeest dung while typing one of these things up.  Void where public restrooms exist.  Results may vary.  For a good time contact someone OTHER than this email scammer.  Do not try this at home; use an unliked neighbor's, instead.
From: "estherkwambe11@zipmail.com.br" <estherkwambe11@zipmail.com.br>
To:
Sent: Wednesday, June 19, 2013 12:13 PM
Subject: Compliment of the season.

Compliment of the season.
Yes, dammit, that's what we're looking for here:  compliments of the season.
No, this isn't your run of the mill email scam; we're actually bloody looking for a good f**king compliment of the season.  If yours is selected, you'll win prizes that you haven't in your wildest imagination thought to win.
A few more drinks and you might have, but we digress.
Please if you are willing to put forth a 'compliment of the season' suggestion, indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email          ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr )


This message might come to you as a surprise. Damned if I know why; every season needs a compliment.  Seasons have feelings too, you unfeeling yutz.  Every season likes to be well regarded.  Well thought of.  And every season likes to hear it.
 
Well, I'm here to see that each season gets its due.  Or doo doo, depending on how this silly idea of a contest goes.  Personally, I wanted to tell you that I needed your help to liberate $10.5 million USD from a bank in the Netherlands; but my handler said that was too doctrinaire and unimaginative.
How the hell he expects me to dupe people with a contest to compliment a season....I hope he gets penile lordosis, whatever that is. 
At any rate...I am Miss. Esther Kwambe. the only Daughter Of Late Mr. And Mrs. Joseph Kwambe from Ivory Coast.  And no, dammit, we don't make soap there!  Geezus you people.
My Father was a serving director of the Vuvuzela Orchestra in Ivory Coast here during His days.  He met his end when he told the orchestra to play something -- ANYTHING -- in B flat. 
He didn't survive having 250 vuvulezas shoved up his ass sideways.
SO...here I am, soliciting from you 'compliments for the season'.  Here's how this silliness works:
1.  Tell me the season you're complimenting.  It can be something even a tree stump knows (summer, fall, winter, spring, football), or give me a season you want to compliment.
2.  Of course, the compliment for the season.
3.  And in 250 words or less -- please not to use ad libs, splint infinitives, colorful metaphors, or dangling particycles -- explain your choice and why no dolphins, spotted owls or designer door knobs were harmed during the making of your choice.
Really..I need your help with this sh*t because I thought I was here to sucker you out of money.  Really; what else do you think I'd be doing this crap for in the first place?  But no...my douchenozzle of a boss says I need to do this silly assed contest.
I'm having a voodoo doll made of his genital warts.
This is my reason for writing to you. And if by some miracle you win this contest, I am sure we can come up with something to award you with.  There are plenty of things here we'd love to give others and in so doing, be rid of.  Crotch crickets for one.
Please if you are willing to assist me indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email;( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr )


I need your urgent responce in this issue,Am waiting to hear from You as soon as You read my massege.

Thanks and dubious regards.
Miss.Esther Kwambe.
with a vaginal vuvuzela that embarrasses me when I have vaginal gas

Three times I trashed her email.  Do you think the third time was a charm?  Read her reply:
F*K U MUGU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By jove, I do believe she's got it....

Labels: , , ,

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Stupid Is...As Scammers Are

Yes, this is actually a picture a scammer sent me of hisself.  Meet Nelson Yakubu, Bannister.

But he ain't the point of this 'un.  He's just an example of stupid.

No, Esther Kwambe is the focus of this one.

Esther has sent me the same email on three addresses.  One I am playing.  Two I have edited.  She's still responding to the 'play' on that address, but refuses to communicate with me after the edits on the other two.

UNTIL...I included her as a recipient in yet another edit.

Witness the following email from 'Deborah', once my editing mode took over:


From: Deborah HENDRICKS <deborahhend@fly540.com>To:
Sent: Saturday, June 15, 2013 5:33 PMSubject: HELLO
Hello,

Yes, I like that word.  Hello.  It is easy to write.  Easy to remember.  Don't know what the f**k it means, but I like that word.
 
 
Now..let me first not apologize one iota for this intrusion into your life.  You will listen to what I have to say, asslips.
 
 
I'm Ms.Deborah HENDRICKS by one name, with a sh*tload of acronyms and aliases that we won't go into here.  I am an ex-director of an NGO (Non-Genital Orifice), a graduate of HCS (High Study of Ca-ca), and I have genital warts of which I'm quite proud.


I was diagnoses cancer for about 22 months, which means for the rest of my pathetic life I wasn't diagnoses cancer.  My doctor informed me that I'm in Phase XXIX, that is to say that I haven't caught up to the Super Bowl yet.


During the progression of my love of hello -- which I really don't know what the f**k it means, really -- I sold all my late husband's appendages  (arms, legs, fingers, toes, winkee, jewels) in LONDON where I lives for over 23 years without once having the sense to get a good spells checker.  Or spells chess.


The reason for my message is that I lost my only pet shrunken head, Gus, in a plane crash a few years back, so I now make arrangements for my extensive toe lint collection (from the toes of deceased people a friend of mine at the morgue collects for me), and it's worth exactly...spit.
 

 
The reason why I contact you is because I am against the fact that my genital warts will never get to meet my toe lint collection, and so I prefer it to be used to acts beneficial to the evolution of the world or perform of humanitarian acts, such as toe lint can do.  


I am well aware of what I propose and I ask for nothing; one of my surrogates will get around to asking for something later.  Just tell them to shove a sand crab up their ass.


Being assured of being in front of a responsible kidneys and liver, is what makes part of the system do whatever it is that it's supposed to do thanks to kidneys and liver.  Right?  Hello...still love that word even if I don't know what the f**k it means.
 

please contact me as soon as possible to enable me find out what Hello means, please. 

Cordially,
Ms.Deborah HENDRICKS
mrsdeborahhen@yahoo.co.uk <mrsdeborahhen@yahoo.co.uk>;
 
 
That got no reply from 'Ms Hendricks', but it DID get a reply from Esther Kwambe...a copy of the exact same scam letter I've received three of...now addressed to Debora Hendrick.
 
 
My pet rock, Seymour, wanted in on this one and volunteered to write back as "Debora".  He wasn't very nice about it:
 
 
HELLOOO!
 
You didn't write that you know what the f**k hello means, I see.  Didn't I ASK YOU FOR THAT?  Wasn't I plain in my meaning, hmmmmmmmmmm?  Didn't I ask that question repeatively in my text?  And what do you send me back?  An email version of an Amway pitch! 
 
What...the...F**K?
 
You think you has some biscuits with me, Ether Kwabcake?  Fine..then you write and tell me WHAT THE F**K HELLOO MEANS!!!  And because you f**ked up the first try, you have to tell me the meaning in 10 different languages (English, Spanish, Dutch, Belgian, German, Afrikkaners, Farsi, Duck, Mandarin and Orange).  If you get so much as ONE OF THEM WRONG, you are an ATROPHIED PENIS HEAD and we can't writes or have speaks no mores.
 
Kapish?
 
Das ist gud, ja.
 
Awpeterstain,
Deborah Hendrick...not Debora, you cruciverbally-stunted schmuckette
 
 
Seymour is still waiting on a reply to that.  I think he'll be waiting quite a while...
 


 

Labels: , ,

Monday, June 17, 2013

Too Much Sex For One Scammer

My bad.  I'd wash my word processor out with soap, but that'd break it.

Which would be fine with (faux) Barrister Gregory Jones, after what I dun Ma to his email, while inferring that what I responded to was what he sent.

There's certain 'stuff' that he no like.  More on that shortly.

At any rate, (faux) Barrister Gregory Jones sent me one of those great "need your help to screw you" emails that I receive so many of.

I decided to edit it, and then send it back to him and inquire if the message I was responding to was what he meant to send.

Obviously, it was not:


Subject: FROM BARRISTER GREGORY JONES,GO THROUGH THE DETAILS AND GET BECK TO ME (Note:  the title of the email I did not edit; pretty much everything else to follow...yawp).

Thank you immensely for your prompt flatulence. When I saw your reply, I said to myself, "a f**king MUGU!!  Oh, goodums goodums!!!"   Yes, I really said that.
 
 
I talk to myself after head-butting a tree a few dozen times as a child.  But I digress.


This transaction is going to be 100% legitimately executed with a Zulu spear because it will undergo multiple puncture wounds at close range.  All legal documents to make this legal has been prostrated in your name and will, and I assure you that your wife, if you have one, is already making dates with other men in anticipation of your demise, because I talked to her last night.
 
 
Oh f**k...I wasn't supposed to reveal that yet.


I contacted you because of your known gullibility which I learned of at Fubar.  Why would you post on Fubar that you are an intellectual eunuch with the dick of a snail darter? 
 
 
This is all very laughable to me.
 
 
I have successfully arranged an elaborate hoax involving chickens, voodoo and a rubber snake dildo, and all that is now lacking is the vuvuzela orchestra to play the intro and closing marches.  Probate registry here is putting the odds in my favor that the vuvuzelas will not be able to play "Chopdicks" in C-flat.
 
 
The reason I dearly need your corny poopy is based on the fact that I haven't had any corny lately, and my poopy has been corny deficient.  I look to you to fix this.
 
 
Without that, the bank has recently served me their last notice as the attorney to the last known corny poopy here, threatening to turn the entire fecal matter over to a mad and marauding gang of baboons.  I can assure you that this is not a good turn of events.
 
 
Having searched endlessly for the right shirt to wear with blaze pink pantaloons, I am at my wits end.  What f**king moron wears blaze pink pantaloons? 
 
 
Whether it is nobler to suffer the slings and arrows of pissed off pygmys, than to be run into by an out of gas Yugo, is not something that William Shakespeare ever thought to write into Hamlet.  The side of fries was hard enough.
 
 
The issue of not being biologically related to tyrannosaurus vaginas is really at the heart of why they cancelled Senegal Bandstand.  Besides, the show sucked.
 
 
On that note, that will be the next place that Keith Olbermann will be fired from. 
 
 
Our meeting through a medium didn't come off because I am told that I have the psychic ability of a rhino turd.  This was not nice to think.  For us to make any meaningful progress, we must establish a sincere trust for botulized egg rolls and embrace them like an aunt with shingles while i do the same to a toaster twatwaffle.


Now it will please me a lot if you will be able to play the African National Anthem in your arm pit, meet you in person, stake you down to an army ant hill, and watch you consumed by genuine African hospitality.


In your return of this mail send to me all of the phone numbers of your old girl friends.  I'd like to smell them to see if any of them taste like chicken, rather than tuna.
 
 
You can call me as soon as you recover from read my mail on +228-91-25-82-06
Yours faithfully,
Barrister JONES GREGORY.
A former witch doctor turned gynecologist turned used goat salesman turned Nancy Pelosi, which I am STILL F**KING PISSED ABOUT
 
 
Of course at the top of this message,  I had started out thus:
 
 
Sir,
 
I have carefully read what you've sent me, and I must ask...is this REALLY what you meant to send me?  Is this some kind of joke?
 
Ben

 
Well, the ol' Barrister apparently bothered to re-read what he'd originally writ, and responded thus:
 
 
u r unserious ass.  dont write me no more f**k stuff.
 
 
So are you telling me that YOU didn't write that crap up top?
 
 
(Faux) Barrister Gregory Jones is no fun...he won't have scam with me no mores.

Labels: , ,

Friday, June 14, 2013

That Voodoo That They Do So....Badly

Some scammers on occasion try to threaten me with "the occult".

Others, a mere mention of it gives them the heebie-geebies.

Either way, works for me  ;-)

My pet rock, Seymour, was trying to do what he called a "voodoo booga booga" dance on the entertainment center, but all he did was roll off with a *THUD* while the rest of his assembled pals there laughed hysterically.

"Did NOT!!"

Anyway...

A claimed "former contact" of mine -- so he says -- wrote to me under the name of Morgan Hill, and claims that he has memories of me trying to help him move funds before...*face palm*.  Many scammers have written to me as "undisclosed recipients", so I'm sure he's confusing me with someone else he tried to play.

Anyway...he's *back*...so he says...and he wants to 'reward' me for my earlier help, even if it didn't work out for him the first time.

In Scamland, this is kinda like twice-baked potatoes, or refried beans.  Only kinda.

At any rate, having my hands quite full with two ongoing scambaits, I decided to have some editing fun with ol' Morgan:


FROM: Dr. Morgan Hill
      Pan Africa Wart 'n Bimpf Removal Services

Dear good friend,

I am glad to inform you that I finally succeed in ridding myself of those sinus genital warts I got from my illicit relations with that horrible trollope, Esther Kwambe ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr) after we shared sex with a Congo Platypus last year.  I did not forget your past advice to have my penis surgically removed so that I could not infect our local goat herd with this scourge, and have since gotten along with a prosthetic zucchini.  The goats got it anyway, because you gave me that friggin' advice a day late..
What I owe you for that goes beyond mere words...I have a local witch doctor working on it now, but I digress.
I have been seeking all along another opportunity to 'thank you' for what you did to...er...for me, just in case the witch doctor is an inept ninny.  I have thus secured the services of a trained toilet snake licker by the name of Emmanuel Joshua, who specializes in things too kinky and weird to spell out in this email, though he does hold the record for the most animals stampeded in one elevator after he crowded them all in there and farted, in 2012.  You can email him at the  email below, OR you can phone him in the middle of the night -- he loves being awakened after a drunken binge when he's home alone, spanking the monkey in his sleep -- at +234 8061100487, which is also the Nigerian 900 number equivalent to Have Your Monkey Spanked By Madam Esther Kwambe For Only $9.95 A Minute (long distance and perversions rates apply).   His email:  wumt_ubagroup@careceo.com 
He loves to hear heavy breathing from yaks and wildebeests, so if you can arrange a recording of that, he'll be EVER so grateful.
Mention my name and he'll probably have the witch doctor try to shrink my prosthetic zucchini, so please mention Joe Biden, instead.

Email:   wumt_ubagroup@careceo.com
Tel:     Tel: +:+234-8061100487
Attn:    Emmanuel Joshua


Please do let me know immediately if the witch doctor's incantation turns you into a door knob, so that I can share the joy. In the moment, I am very busy here because my prosthetic zucchini just fell off and I think I'm going to go kick that witch doctor's ass.  


Best regards,

Dr. Morgan Hill
Pan Africa Wart 'n Bimpf Removal Services
"We Can Fix Warts Eating You...Hahahahahahaha, We Funny!"


Not sure how "Dr" Morgan Hill took my edit; I got a response that was void of text.
Perhaps the boogerman got him...
*THUD*
Seymour just rolled off the entertainment center again...

Labels: , , , , ,

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

How NOT To Compliment The Season

This is a good filler photo every so often.

Have you ever had an email that started with "Compliment of the season"?  I've had a few over the years, and I've always moved past that salutation to deal with whatever the contents of the email were.

This time, I decided to address the issue directly with the sender (aka, a scammer).  Now, there was most likely going to be no exchange, because when I respond to scammers with questions quite off the subject, as often as not they don't bother to reply to me further. 

I guess they have somewhat literate-in-English handlers.

But this one -- representing herself as Esther Kwambe of the Ivory Coast, but most likely a dude from one of their fly-infested internet cafes -- actually and foolishly engaged my question via email, albeit briefly:


Me: "What compliment is this season deserving of, do you reckon?"

Scammer: "i am not understand you question?"

Me: "You wrote, 'compliment of the season'; I ask how so and why?"

Scammer: "it is not important to what i wis...h to speak with you abouts".

Me: "It's important to me to know how this particular season is deserving of a compliment and why..this is very important".

Scammer: "why?"Me: "Because in the karmic scheme of mice and the cats who eat them, to everything there is a season, and an inappropriate compliment to an undeserving season is bad form in certain venues. Do you follow me?"

Scammer: "do you have fun with me?"

Me: "So it appears. Do you think it's complimentary to the season at hand?"


This brought an end to our email exchange through one of my addresses.  But lo and behold...I got the exact same email from allegedly the exact same person through a second address as well. 

*TOING*

Since I already have two active scambaits going, I thought it'd just be simpler to edit this one in one of my less than mannerly versions.  And if I'm right about this scammer actually being a dude, parts of this email will probably go right over his head.

Perhaps you'll see what I just did there..or not:


Subject: Compliment of the season.

Compliment of the season:  ASSHAT DOUCHENOZZLE.


Please if you are willing to critique this compliment of the season, indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email   ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr )


This message might come to you as a surprise. The chosen compliment of the season might too.  However, I don't give a soda straw f**k because this is not why I write. 
I am Miss. Esther Kwambe. the only Daughter Of Mr. And Mrs. Joseph Kwambe from Ivory Coast. I am an Orphan being that I lost my Parents. I put them in a box on a shelf somewhere, and not I can't find them.  Oh well...I had just been grounded when this happened, so phfffffffffft on them.
My Father was a serving director of the Sodomy board in Ivory Coast here durring His days, and he'd prance around the hut in a tutu at night, doing the Macarena.  Now you see why I boxed him along with my mom, who worked as a surrogate parent for infertile gazelles.  Small wonder I am a twisted personality.
Before his disappearance when I boxed them both he told me that he deposited a huge sum of $10.5 million in a Security Comapany here in our country.  He told a lot of whoppers in his time, and it's a wonder that Burger King didn't hire him as a spokesdork.


I want you to do three things:  (1) cast your vote on my 'Compliment of the Season', since I can win a vaginal rebushing here if I get enough votes, and mine is already so used it's hanging down around my knees when I stand; (2) help me to determine if the money my boxed father told me about are real of just another of his meth 'n Pepsi hallucinations, and (3) get me the centipede fornication OUT side my country so that I can start sponging off your free welfare, healthcare, cell phones and other stuff that we can't get here, because this place sucks.


My plan is, in the words of the puppet Kim Sung IL, "a very good pran", and I have work long and hard on it between stuffing my saggying vagina back into place.  This is my reason for writing to you.
Oh, and because my sources here tell me that you're a gullible dumbass.
Please if you are willing to assist me indicate your interest in replying me through my private Email ( kwambe_esther@yahoo.fr ).  If you're not, I hope you get genital wartative demeaning plebney, whatever that is.


Thanks and conditional best regards depending on your reply; I have a voodoo doll to start sticking if you don't.
Your new nightmare with a hanging vagina,
Miss.Esther Kwambe. 
Whoever is playing the woeful Ms Kwambe didn't bother to further the discussion about season compliments or hanging genitilia, but a former scammer I engaged -- Christ John, christjohn252@yahoo.co.uk -- demonstrated that his months-ago threat to never speak to me again wasn't holding up:
STOP WITH THIS ALL YOU JUNK!
Ah, so you ARE STILL READING THESE, eh?  Now that I know that, I'll make sure you don't miss a single one!
And I promptly forwarded him 25 of the last and most recent edits.
My pet rock, Seymour, says I am such a sh**.
He's right.

Labels: , , ,

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Who's Yer Mummy?

Of corpse it is what it appears to be:  a mummy.

Why, you ask?

Well, I'll let you take a guess by viewing a brief snippet from a recent scammer:



I am MR. SAI MUMUNI. An accountant by profession, I'm presently working at the office of Bill and Exchange Department of Bank Of Africa (BOA). I am married with three children. My residences address No: 7 avenues Ave la 22 avenues de la Kanazoe Ouaga sect.: 21. Box Postal: 01 bp 5256 Ouagadougou Burkina Faso . My Private Telephone No is +226 75128222. Concerning what I need from you about this transaction. Although based on mutual trust and understanding. As you will lead me in establishment over in your country. Concerning the transaction at hand, as this cannot be done by email alone.
 
Meanwhile, I would want to detail you a little on the fund to be transferred to your account. This is not stolen money rather, a discovered abandoned money belonging to one of our late customers by name DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY who died some years ago in a plane crash together with his family living behind his contract sum unclaimed in our Banking Custody.
 
 According to one of our banking policies which stipulate that after some years of unclaimed fund, the fund will automatically go into the treasury of our bank as an unclaimed dormant fund. That's why I want to use you as next of kin to the deceased customer and claim out the fund. Importantly and as I discovered, my bank does not know that DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY has no next of kin which makes it easier for you to stand in as next of kin to the deceased person. It's only me and my colleagues who knew that DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY has no next of kin...




And you know where it goes from there.  Have you now figured out how a mummy got wrapped into this?  Of course you see what I just did there...

Anyway, I did one of my annoying 'edits' and sent it back to Sai and 50 of his friends and colleagues.  Only Sai apparently took umbrage.  But first, the edit:



Subject: DETAILS TO SPANK THE MUMMY
Hello,
 
Yes, you read this right.  I want to spank the mummy.  I need your help to do it.
 
 
  
Whatever you do, do NOT call me immediately on phone!  If my boss found out what I was planning to do on office time, he'd fire my perverted ass!  So whatever you do, do NOT call me at + 226 75128222.    
 

 
I state my details as follows:

 
I have the dishonor to be MR. SAI IT AINTSO.  An up and coming masturbator -- see what I just did there? -- and sock puppet sodomizer by profession, I'm presently working at the office of Duck Bill & Genital Exchange Department of Bank Of African Fowled Genitals (BOAFG). I am married with three children who refuse to know who I am because of what I do. My residences address No: 7 avenues Ave la 22 avenues de la Kanazoe Ouaga sect.: 21. Box Postal: 01 bp 5256 Ouagadougou Burkina Faso .  My business number which you are NEVER TO CALL is +226 75128222.
 
 
 
Concerning what I need from you about this transaction:  I want to spank the mummy.  No, not like your mummy and who's yer daddy if you happen to know....I mean like mummy in Cleopspanktra kind of mummy.  You've heard of sexual bondage?  Well....I'm into sexual bandage.  I saw it parodied once on South Park, and for me it will never be the same old "spank the monkey" nonsense ever again.
 
 
 
No flat banana puree for this perv.  Nuh-uh!
 
 
 
Concerning the transaction at hand, a firm grip is needed.  How's that grab ya?  Trust me:  spank the mummy  cannot be done by email alone.



 
Meanwhile, I would want to detail you a little on how I plant to spank the mummy with your help:  one of our late customers by name DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY -- a disreputable pervert who did prefer to spank the monkey, only to learn too late not to spank a live and full-growd one -- died some years ago and was mummified at the request of King Rootintootin of Abysmalania, a delapidated housing development in Chicago.
 
 
 
 According to one of our obscure policies it stipulates that employees cannot spank a late mummified customer.  But it says nothing about the mummified spouse of DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY, BEULAH, who was accidentally mummified at the same time, after during a barlighting episode in Dearborn, MRS. BRUMLEY was mistaken for Nobama Bin Laden by an off-duty SEAL.
 
 
 
Actually, Nancy Pelosi in total darkness looks better than MRS. BRUMLEY in mummified form, but that's a whole 'nother issue or issue not.  Before I digress into how Sandra Fluke resembles Fatima the Camel at Fast Sa-heed's House Of Violently Ill Hamas & Jay Con Carney, here is the main reason I think that I write to you:  I want to use you as next of kin to the mummified MRS. BRUMLEY  so that you can get me visitation to spank the mummy.
 
 
 
There is no risk about this for its 100% risk free* as I will provide you with some vital documents related to the mummified corpusle of MRSBRUMLEY and a test of APPLICATION LETTER OF CLAIM which you will answer all questions "True by reason of camel genital abuse as child", and then will resend to mausoleum fax line, introducing you as next of kin to MRSBRUMLEY and also instructing the mausoleum to allow me in to "pay my respects", whereat that time I will spank the mummy.
 
 
 
WhatEVER you do, could you NOT call me on the above phone number immediately you receive this email?  Email is risky enough.  My primate email is  sai_mumuni@yahoo.fr
 
 

Eagerly waiting for your urgent response. 
My Regards,
MR SAI IT AINTSO
mummy spanker
also knowd to do an inflatable Dianne Frankenfeinstein dummy when drunk enough 
 
 
  As I said, the email drew no responses from Sai's peers, but he was not terribly comprehending:



what is this?  this not what i send to u.



It isn't?  Dang...it's what I received.  You are one sick bastard, Sai. 



do not call names!  u want do busness or not? 



Answer me this, Sai:  why would I want to do business with a sick bastard like you who says the emails he sends are not the emails he sent, hmmm?  And you are a sick bastard.  Spank the mummy?  You is one sick, sick bastard.



From the resulting silence, I reckon we're not gonna do any business.  I wouldn't do business with a mummy spanking sick bastard, anyway  ;-)

Labels: , , ,

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

The Pterydactyl Chronicles - II

Well...I thought that the image of a "carrier pterydactyl", landing on and collapsing their roof -- and the three days of silence that resulted -- was the end of Alou Aloustos and his scam.

*BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZER*

Alou decided to introduce me to the courier company that he would use to deliver me the non-existant check.

So here -- with limited comment interruption from yours truly -- is how Part II played out, email by email:


Dear Andrew Green,

This is to inform you that i have received the information you sent.

Below is the contact of the courier company:

NAMES:Apex Courier Company.
E-MAIL:apexcourier397@yahoo.com

You are to contact the courier company since i will be going there this morning to deliver your package.
Please adhere to any instruction they will give you so that we can have a smooth delivery of your package.

Keep me informed as you discuss with them.
Thanks and God bless,
Alou


And thus enters, stage Left, the "courier company" (which is always in caps as sent to me):



 ATTENTION ANDREW GREEN,

WE HAVE RECEIVED YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALAN).

YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.
YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.



Fine...please send me your GPS coordinates to ship the $499 to you without delay.
Andrew




 
ATTENTION,
YOUR MAIL WAS NOTED TOGETHER WITH THE CONTENT THEREIN.
BELOW IS THE INFORMATION YOU WILL USE IN SENDING THE FEE.
SEND THE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER.

NAME:FRIDAY JUDE CHINYERE

LOCATION:LAGOS-NIGERIA

TEXT QUESTION:MICKY

TEXT ANSWER:MOUSE

SEND THE FEE THROUGH WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER AND SEND THE MTCN NUMBER TO US HERE SO THAT WE CAN INFORM MR.JUDE TO GO AND PICK THE MONEY.
WE WILL SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.

PLEASE NOTE WE HAVE RECEIVE YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALOU).

YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.
YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.


 Dear Apex,
I still await your GPS coordinates, to the carrier pterydactyl can deliver the transfer fee to you, and return with my check. Reply soonest, please.
Andrew Green





 
 ATTENTION,
WE UNDERSTAND YOUR STATEMENT.

YOU SHOULD GO AHEAD AND SEND THE FEE OF $499 WITH THE INFORMATION WE SENT TO YOU.
SEND THE FEE SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED IN SENDING YOUR FUND TO YOU.
WE HAVE RECEIVE YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALOU).
YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.
YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.

 
 
 
Dear Apex: if you understand the statement, then I fail to see why you didn't include your GPS coordinates in your reply. My fee is standing by with the carrier pterydactyl. Andrew



Dear,
That is OK ,just go ahead and conclude with them and also inform them on the exact place you prefer the pterydactyl to receive the package. Keep me informed as you conclude with the courier company.
Alou
 
 
ATTENTION,

THAT IS NOT THE WAY WE OPERATE.
YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT UNDER THE ALLIED MATTER CODES AND CONDUCTS THAT GUIDE COURIER COMPANIES HERE IN NIGERIA,A CUSTOMER(CLIENT)HAVE TO PAY FOR COURIER FEE BEFORE THE DELIVERING OF HIS/HER PARCEL/PACKAGE.

SINCE YOU NEED YOUR CARRIER PTERYDACTYL TO RECEIVE AND DELIVER IT TO YOU IN YOUR HOME ADDRESS,WE SUGGEST YOU ARRANGE FOR HIM/HER TO MEET OUR AGENT AS HE ARRIVE BOB HOPE AIRPORT BURBANK.

OUR AGENT WILL PROCEED FURTHER TO YOUR HOME ADDRESS TO MEET WITH YOUR CARRIER PTERYDACTYL.

AL WE REQUIRE OF YOU IS TO SEND OUR FEE SO THAT WE CAN PROCEED WITH THE ARRANGEMENT.
NOTE:HERE IS YOUR TRACKING NUMBER T67930HG4433.

WE HAVE RECEIVE YOUR PARCEL SENT TO US BY YOUR PARTNER(MR.ALOU).

YOU ARE TO PAY OUR COURIER FEE OF $499 ONLY.YOU ARE THEREBY REQUESTED TO RESPOND TO US SO THAT WE CAN INFORM YOU ON HOW TO SEND THE FEE ACROSS.

WE WILL ALSO SEND YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AS WE HEAR FROM YOU.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER.


 
 
 
Okay, fine: if you want the carrier pterydactyl to meet your agent at Bob Hope-Burbank airport, that's fine. He can find that. He will be on his way when you advise me your agent is going there. Andrew



 ATTENTION,

THAT IS VERY MUCH OK FOR US.
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU HAVE TO SEND OUR COURIER FEE BEFORE THE DEPARTURE OF OUR AGENT.

I TOLD YOU IN MY LAST MAIL THAT WE CAN NOT BREAK THE LAW GUIDING THE COURIER COMPANIES HERE IN THIS COUNTRY.
I WILL INFORM YOU ON HOW YOUR PTERYDACTYL
WILL LOCATE OUR AGENT AS HE ARRIVE BOB HOPE AIRPORT BURBANK.

BE INFORMED THAT I HAVE SENT YOUR TRACKING NUMBER TO YOU AND WILL ADVISE YOU FURTHER AS WE RECEIVE OUR COURIER FEE.

EXPECTING YOUR IMMEDIATE REPLY.
APEX COURIER COMPANY.



 My carrier pterydactyl will be at Bob Hope-Burbank Airport when you tell me your courier will arrive. The courier will know who it is, because my pterydactyl will be holding a sign that says "APEX COURIER".
Name the day and time, and the pterydactyl will be there with the fee.
Andrew
 

Dear green,

I was called on the telephone this morning by the courier company,they informed me that you did not want to send their courier fee to them.Why didn't send the money to them so that we can get this thing done once and for all.

I have done every possible thing i did to make sure that this money get to your hand so that you can sleep with your two eyes closed.

I want you to send the money to them immediately so that they can tell you the date and time you will recieve your check.

Send the money to them please.
Waiting for your response,
Alou

Alou, that is simply NOT TRUE. I have offered to send them the money via the same means I request my check be returned to me: via my carrier pterydactyl. You both have stated that you have read and clearly understood my emails and intentions. So for them to say that I refuse to send the courier fee to them is ludicrous and disingenuous on their part. My carrier pterydactyl is standing by to make the delivery at Bob Hope-Burbank Airport, as they suggested.
Andrew



ATTENTION,

WE ARE STILL WAITING FOR THE COURIER FEE,YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT WE CAN NOT PROCEED FURTHER WITHOUT THE FEE.
REGARDS,APEX COURIER COMPANY.




Apex,
I have told you that all you need to do is dispatch your courier with the check to Bob Hope-Burbank Airport as you yourselves suggested, and provide me with when the courier will arrive; my carrier pterydactyl will meet him there with the fee.
Heck, I will triple the fee requested to $1500, payable to your courier upon his arrival. I only need to know when he will arrive so my carrier pterydactyl can be there on time.
Andrew




 Dear,

The courier sent the rules guiding them to me and i went through it.
What i want you to do now is to send their courier fee to them so that we can save ourselves all these headache,send their courier fee to them since i have went through the law guiding them.

What you will do after sending the fee is to arrange on how to receive the parcel since you intend sending your pterydacty to the airport to pick it up.
Please adhere to my advise so that both of us can have a good rest.
Yours,
Alou



Alou,
I have already told the courier people that I would triple their fee if they would simply do things my way. I have the carrier pterydactyl standing by; all they have to do is tell me when their courier will arrive with the check at the selected airport, and I will have the carrier pterydactyl meet them there with the increased fees.
I mean this is so simple...do I need to increase the fee further?
Andrew


 
 
 ATTENTION,

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND OUR STAND OVER HERE,THERE IS NO WAY THAT WE CAN DISPATCH THIS PACKAGE WITHOUT DOING THE NECESSARY THINGS THAT IT REQUIRED.
WE HAVE TO STAMP IT AND ALL THE REST OF THAT.I DISCUSSED WITH YOUR PARTNER CONCERNING THIS,AND HOPEFULLY THAT HE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE DOING.
UNDERSTAND ALSO THAT WE DON'T WORK LIKE THAT,WE COLLECT COURIER FEE BEFORE DISPATCH.BE REST ASSURED THAT WE WILL COMMENCE THE DISPATCH AS WE RECEIVE OUR FEE.

REGARDS,
APEX COURIER COMPANY.



Dear Apex,
I, too, am a businessman, so I know how these things work on paper...and in the real world. A little bit of currency 'persuasion' usually circumvents regulations and stamps.
Trust me on that.
I have already told your partner...I am willing to further increase the fee you need to collect, if it will expedite things on my terms. My terms: have your courier bring the check to the airport of your choice, tell me when and where, and my carrier pterydactyl will meet them there with the fee. I am quite ready to increase it well beyond the original $499. Name your price.
Andrew



  
Dear,
You do not need to increase the fee,what i understood from the courier company is that they only need the fee paid to them before they arrive to the your country.

I don't want in a situation whereby you will start having problems with them. Just go ahead and send the fee to them since it is the same thing. Send the fee to them to avoid any more delay in delivering your check to you.

 
 
Alou,
Really, I am perplexed at this. My method is simple, tried and tested, and I have never had a failure with it. And I am willing to increase the fee 10 times and more if that is what it takes to get the courier company to see things my way.
Alan, it's not that I need the money; I truly don't. I'm a wealthy businessman many times over. But this windbreak you are dropping in my lap can do so much good in so many ways; I had in mind to donate the entirety to windows and organs, those kinds of charities.
So while I don't myself need the money...think of all those it can help. Think of them, and prevail upon the courier company to see things my way. I WILL make it worth your and their while.
Andrew





 You don't understand what the courier company said.
They told me that they will use the fee in securing stamps and other things to make sure that they have a smooth transfer.

I don't see any reason for you increasing their fee when me and you already know that all they ask is $499.I can now understand that you are the one delaying this transaction.

What will take you to send the little fee they required of you?

Just go ahead and send the fee to them so that they can proceed further to your home country.
Yours





 Hey, you started this whole business transaction by contacting me, not the other way around. I have made a good faith offer on how I am comfortable with sending the fees and receiving the check, okay? I am the customer here, am I not?
Have you heard of customer service? The customer is always right? Going the extra mile to convince your customer that they are number 1? Are you seeing the point I'm getting at here?
I think I have been most cooperative. And I have been MORE than generous in upping the fee to make my wishes as a customer more lucrative to the courier service. Let me ask you, APEX: have you ever had ANY customer willing to pay you more, for a specific brand of delivery that you don't usually do? If you've been in the business of delivery long, you KNOW the answer to that is YES, you have. But you also know that most customers want it as cheap as possible and as soon as possible.
I am willing to pay you well over what you meant to charge, so that I can have it my way while making it profitable for you. I think in that regard, I am above all reproach.
SO...I'll up the fee I am willing to pay you to $15,000, if you will do this MY WAY.
Andrew

 
 
WE DON'T OPERATE THAT WAY,IF YOU ARE NOT SENDING THE FEE AS YOU WERE INITIALLY TOLD,WE HAVE NO CHOICE THAN CALLING YOUR PARTNER(ALOU)TO COME AND HAVE HIS PACKAGE BACK.
REGARDS,
APEX COURIER COMPANY



 Hmmmm...I just noticed something here, APEX/Alou: Alou sends his emails with word spacing without caps...and you, APEX, just did the same thing with word spacing, with caps. Are APEX and Alou the same person?
It sounds to me like you want to quash the deal, fellas. So, here's my last ante to do right by what Alou originally claimed he was all about: I will pay APEX $25,000, in cash and on the spot, if they will meet with my carrier pterydactyl at Bob Hope-Burbank Airport, or any other airport within the continental US that they choose.
OR...I will have my carrier pterydactyl bring the fees to an international airport that is mutually closer for both me and the courier company, so long as a courier company representative is there with the check and to receive the fees.
It's time, as we say in business, to fish or cut bait. Which will you do, Alou/APEX?





 I simple do not understand your take in this.
I will like to ask you few questions.

1)Is it hard for you to pay the courier their fees?
2)Are you skeptical?
3)What you mean fish or cut bait?


 

 I think that with my offer to pay the fees above and beyond the originally asked ones, your first question is ridiculous. I just offered to pay $25,000 to the courier service for doing it my way. That, my math-challenged friend, is 100 times the original fee. I offer this because I know I want it done an unusual way. But I am the customer, and that is how I want it. I cannot see why the courier service is afraid of making 50 times more on one delivery, than they've ever made before.
Your second question: I wasn't skeptical when we started. Your reluctance to make a very profitable business decision is making me skeptical.
Your third question...another way to put it is, it’s time for you and Apex to sh*t or get off the pot.



 

 You not swear, what you need is to pay the fees. It is not right you make courier put to this trouble. It okay your carrier pterydactyl pick up check, but it is not for him to deliver fees. You wire fees agree to before you loss this fund.

 

Are we on, or are you throwing away a helluva deal and profit, Apex?
Andrew


 

  And after a few hours of no more responses from either Alou or Apex Couriers, Andrew gets in one last little dig:

 
 
Since you obviously don't appreciate a chance at a clear and sizeable profit here, and since you aren't customer service-oriented, I will have my carrier pterydactyl stand down, and I won't be sending any fee. Apex, you may go ahead and return the fund to Alan.
I try to do good business here, and it takes you two chuckleheads to screw up a perfectly winnable scenario for yourselves and a lot of windows and organs out there.
I can't imagine your employers are very happy with you right now.
Andrew




 It did prompt one last, pithy salvo from the "courier company", who slipped and admitted that they and Alou were in fact, one and the same:

 
ATTENTION,
BE INFORMED THAT WE ARE NOT GREEDY PEOPLE,I CAN NOT GO CONTRARY TO THE RULES AND REGULATION THAT GUIDES COURIER COMPANIES HERE IN NIGERIA BECAUSE OF MONEY.

I HAVE A CONSCIENCE AND WILL NOT DO ANYTHING THAT WILL MAKE ME FILL GUILTY (bullsh*t, Matilda).

PLEASE INFORM US IF YOU ARE SENDING THE $499 OR SHOULD WE GO AHEAD AND RETURN THE PARCEL TO MR.ALOU.

YOURS,
ALOU (*TOING*)


 
Assuming that this is their *last gasp* – which I assumed before when silence greeted the image of the pterydactyl collapsing their roof – I note the "oopsie" in their email, and throw a couple digs in to tweak the *greedy* in him/them:

 
You just made a mistake there. I'll let you find where in your message you made it. But that's okay, because playing under the auspices of "the courier company" -- aka you -- you just screwed up the opportunity of a lifetime.
I was prepared to go ahead and have my carrier pterydactyl deliver to you $25,000 in cash, and bring back the check. Whatever else you are and aren't, business-wise you are not.
As I said, I am a wealthy businessman and have no need of any "funds" from Nigeria. I routinely handle more money in a week than you were trying to send me.
I will never understand how people like you could let such an opportunity pass. But now it's your loss. You should have played at being more greedy.
Andrew

Now the LAST TIME I thought it was over for the Pterydactyl Chronicles, Alou and Apex resurfaced.
So just in case...if you look to the sky, and think for a moment you might have seen a pterydactyl winging its way to destinations as yet unknown...put down the bottle or bong and back slowly away....from where the pterydactyl might have to land on your roof. Being 65 million + years out of practice, he gets winded easy...

Labels: , ,