Thursday, May 30, 2013

Can They Really Be THIS Stupid?

The answer is an absolutely, YES.

And I got me one here to prove it.

During a recent spate of scambaiting activity, I had one that slipped through the cracks.  But he sent me a prod the other night, and what took place in exchange was...beyond laughable.

I like going beyond that with scammers.

Alou Aloustos...nice name...with another scam that claimed the government of Nigeria had set aside funds to compensate "victims of Nigerian 419 scam artists", and that my email address had come up in their investigation.

Not really; they sent the email to one address and I merely forwarded it to another, to screw widdit.

Of no great surprise, it wasn't the address that mattered; it was the reply.

I didn't edit this one; I simply thanked them for their thoughtfulness, and when could I expect my money?

That drew a quick "three methods of payment" email from Alou, and I was to choose which one I preferred.

Well, with all the other scambaits going at the time, I forgot about it.

My bad.

What follows here is the not too long, not too short series of exchanges, along with the rather gratifyingly silly twist the scambaiter took with the scammer, who was entirely none the wiser.

The usual modalities of this page apply (scammer's emails in bold, my responses in italics):

Andrew, I am been wait for you to get back to me on method you prefer to have your fund delivered to you as.  Here are the option:

Thanks and God bless.

Actually, I didn’t...this one slipped through the cracks with all the other scambaits I had running at the time. So, something a bit off the beaken path:

Thank you. I opt for the check to be delivered to me via carrier pterydactyl.


Fine; and I can send my fee to you via the carrier pterydactyl, and you can send me my check back via the same. He knows his way home.

After a day to ponder it, I get this:


This is too good to let go of:


But the quote you sent me is the same for money gram as you quoted for the carrier pterydactyl!.


If you've ever tried to take anything away from a carrier pterydactyl, and you're not authorized, you'd find them pretty dang safe, too.


Lordy, I got me a double dose of dumbass here:

Yes, and with your okay, I'll give it the fees and send it your way.


Trust me, can't miss it when it lands on your structure...the structure usually falls in.

I haven't heard back from Alou yet....mebbe he finally googled?

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Monday, May 27, 2013

Susan Loans...And Moans

Yes, this much here can be YOURS, for ONLY 3% interest for the life of the loan!

It is to laugh.

I will give this scammer credit:  since first contacting me -- now on three different email addresses -- 'she' has created a sorta-kinda-eh, mebbe- credible web site for her scam loan company.

Of course, you know it HAS to be a scam loan company; it's based in....*drum roll*.......Nigeria.

The company is Susan Loan Services.  Or at least, that's what a fly-infested internet cafe in Nigeria is calling itself.

Their email starts out simple, like so many other online loan scams:  Do you need a loan to pay off your debt or start a business?loan offer at 3% interest rate,contact us if you are interested in a loan.

And that's all there is to it:  you hit 'reply' and inquire.  And her next email lays it out for you:

Dear Applicant, 
 Thank you for selecting us in meeting your financial requirements.We are a registered private lender, we give out loans to various people all over the world. We give out Agricultural Loan, Auto Loans,Student Loan, Mortgage Loan, Personal Loan, Business Loan, Home equity Loan, Debt Consolidation Loan and other good reason, we also give out loans from the range of 1,000 – 10,000,000 (Dollars, Euros or Pounds) at 3% interest rate. Duration of 1- 30 years depending on the amount you need as loan.

The Borrower must be above 20 years of age.
The Loan can be granted even with low credit
There is no pre-payment penalty.
You do not need a Co-signer

Full Name:
Next of kin (Name in Full):
Mobile or Cellular:
Monthly Income:
Home Address:
Loan Amount:
Loan Duration:
Purpose of loan:
The above data information must be filled accordingly and submitted to us for proper processing of your loan request.
Thanks And God Bless
 Mr. Roland Gabriel.

So naturally I filled out the application...once as Ben Dover, and once as U. R. Phulovit (since I received the same offer across three different email addresses).  From the third one I'm preparing an 'edit' that I am sure will please Susan Loan Service so much, she'll include it on her website 'Testimonial' page.

Not  ;-)

And of course, once the application is 'accepted' -- Susan Loan Services accepts 100% of applicants LOL -- 'she' follows up with an email, requesting a modest fee for processing.  For U. R. Phulovit -- who requested $35,000 to fix his pet gerbil's platypus feet (yes, they do ask what the purpose of the loan is for, but apparently don't care) -- the processing fee is a modest $200, to be Western Unioned ASAP to:

NAME:Susan Lee

But Susan and her scam buddies got confused, 'cuz as you'll see in the upcoming exchanges, another name and location for the Western Union emails will surface.

An online lending service in Nigeria has me pay the $200 fee to a 'woman' in Rome, Italy?  Ya gotta love this scammer.  Granted, 'she' - 'they' - 'whomever' can say to send it ANYWHERE.  'Cuz if it's really sent, a Western Union MTCN is all that's needed to collect it, anywhere Western Union is.

So, U. R. Phulovit is now doing the "it'll be wired early next week" routine, while my other playing character -- Ben Dover -- just sent in his application.  Which I am sure will be accepted, because Ben's need for $350,000 is much more plausible than a mere "gerbil foot exchange".

Ben needs $350,000 to open up a piranha genital rebushing clinic.  Really.  Better still: whoever 'reviews' the applications and reasons for the loans, apparently doesn't care about any of it, other than that someone replied.

Rather than try to keep you up with the email salvos between the scammer and both of my characters, we'll now just focus on the key emails between Ben Dover and 'Susan Loans', or whomsoever it is I'm bantering with.  What you'll see now are several days' worth of exchanges, as they went back and forth.  Enjoy:

In regards to your mail note that you are to send to us a valid copy of your identification card or send to us the details on the card as stated below,also provide to us details of your account where you want the loan funds to be transferred to.   Regarding your selected option which is bank-to-bank wire transfer note that the charges on it which is the cost of insurance and transfer fee of $200 should be sent to us via Western Union with the details of our accountant in charge of payment with his information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)
Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.
Country: Nigeria
Text Question to use: TO
Text Answer to use:  US
Amount to send: $200

(see what I mean about where to send and to whom?)

There will be a one day delay in my sending the $200 fee; I had an unexpected expense this weekend, but I get paid at work tomorrow, and will have no problem wiring the fee on Tuesday, May 14.  And I see I have new wiring instructions and a different person to send to.  Eh...long as it gets where it needs to.

 In regards to your mail note that we shall be waiting on your payment of the $200 tomorrow and in this main time kindly get back to us with your identification card or the information on it and also your banking information (Provide the information below).

Account Holder Name:     Ben Dover
Bank Name:                     Westminster Bank PLC
Account Number:              **********
Swift Code/ Routing Number:   *********

Identity card Number:   **-***-****
Type of Identity card:    DL
Name in the Identity card:  Ben Dover
Issue date and expiry date:   2-09/2-14
D.O.B:    2-29-76
Residential Address:   *** ********* St  Central City CO 80427

Waiting for the above information today and the payment tomorrow so that everything can be completed.

I will wire the funds tomorrow without fail.

Good morning to you,this is to inform you that we will be expecting the payment information from you today and also which to inform you that your identification and banking information have been received, In regards to the payment of the $200 note that you are to use the details of our accountant in charge of payment and effect the payment to us using Western Union with the information below.

Accountant Name: Odion Gabriel (ODION GABRIEL)
Address: Area 2 Block 11 Zain Road.
Country: Nigeria
Text Question to use: TO
Text Answer to use:  US
Amount to send: $200

I will be running errands this morning and picking up my pay from my employer at 11am my time; after that, I will go to Western Union and attend to this.  I'll email you confirmation afteward.

Hope all is well, Why the delay in the payment? We have been waiting for the payment as promised because you said from 11am you will be sending the payment and now i believe it's about 3pm there and we haven't gotten a mail from you in regards to the payment, Please get back to us about this now if you have sent the payment or not and if yes get back to us with the payment receipt and information of the payment receipt.

I am most apologetic for the delay.  Yes, the $200 was wired at noon my time from Western Union, to the person and location you instructed.   I thank you again for the loan.

Thanks for the mail, If the payment have been made kindly please send to us the below information and the payment receipt.

You have all this information, since I copied verbatim what you asked me to use.  Please refer back to your instruction email prior to my making the payment.

 If you said you have sent the payment as instructed kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Get back to us with the below information to confirm that you have sent the payment so that we can proceed.

Ma'am, I used the information you asked for, and sent it to that information as instructed.

Please kindly get back to us with the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) which is the Western Union Code on the payment slip which will enable the accountant Odion Gabriel to pick up the $200 and without this MTCN we can not proceed.

Oh...there are 10 numbers.  Which one does he need?

Yes send to me the MTCN which is the 10 number, Send the 10 numbers to us now. the complete 10 numbers.

Fine.  The complete 10 numbers together total 79 (not really, but no one said I hadda be able to add for scammers).

Send to us the MTCN which is 10 digit only. It's 10 numbers and not 79... Why telling me nonsense? Please send to me the receipt of your payment if you have made the payment really.

What nonsense?  You asked me for the ten numbers together.  They equal 79!  I added them up!  Now, if you want me to send you the receipt, I will need your regular, not email address...I'll have to send it to you overseas air mail, because my scanner is not working right.  If I try to scan it to you, I don't know that you can read it.
Is overseas airmail okay?

Send to us the number which is written as the MTCN(Money Transfer Control Number) it's just 10 digit only and want you to send it to us via email, we do not accept payment of the insurance/transfer fees receipt sent to us via airmail because it's the receipt of payment.

Send to us the 10 digit you see near where it's written MTCN.

Hell, why didn't you say so?  It's 0995487893.  Is that all you need?

This MTCN you sent to us is not valid, Please track on your payment yourself on the Western Union site

That's impossible, Susan.  I read you the actual 10 numbers right off the receipt.

Okay, Send to us the country you sent it to and the sender's name used as also show on the reciept of payment.

I just sent that to you.  Your accountant in Nigeria.

What's the sender's name used? For God sake you are sending me wrong information, Send to me the sender's name used to send the $200.

The sender's name?  What the f**k...that's ME!!!  I'm the sender!  You know...Ben Dover?  I'm the sender!  And my country is the USA.  America?

Send to us the payment receipt and check correctly if the MTCN you sent is correct because the one you gave me is not correct.

This is so unreal.  I, myself...went to Western Union. you $200. the receipt.  My Western Union number-generating phone app itself gave me the number.  So I am at a loss here.  The money is there.  Just as you instructed it to be.  I should have sent it to the Marx Brothers (ettu, Indiana Jones?). 

Give to me your phone number now let me call you now. number is ***-***-**** (which is my actual voice mail, currently with me imitating a sorta chinese).

I am calling it's on voicemail, Pick up the calls now. 

Voicemail?  I am sitting here and my phone hasn't rung yet.  Try again.

It's still on voicemail, You give me a call now. +234 805-379-1036. 

Well if its on voicemail, then leave me a message and I'll get back to you.  Isn't that how voicemail works?  Dang, do I have to think of everything here? 

Ogun kill me, Send me the correct MTCN now. 

I can't call you overseas from this number; I had to put an overseas block on it, because my pet rock ran up $750 in calls to Liechtenstein last December.   Who is ogun?  (Seymour insisted in getting in on this in a cameo role).

Ogun kill you, Send me the correct MTCN now.  

Ogun kill me?  What'd I do?  And back to my first question...who the f**k is Ogun?  

Man send me the correct information, I have other things to do, If you are in need of this loan seriously send to me a copy of the payment receipt by snapping it with your phone 

(he doesn't know I'm about the only person left in the world without a cell phone...)

This makes no sense!  I snapped it with my phone and it only krinkled the paper.  What did that accomplish?
And who the f**k is Ogun?

Send me the correct MTCN now 

I did!  And who the f**k is Ogun?

At this point, I think the dude is totally unstrung, 'cuz what he/she/it writes next looks like a scammer completely off their scam template:

Guy i need box i need box to take bomb o, Which box u dey use, make we forget this matter make we talk work 

Now you speak to me in ooga booga riddles?  Ogun want to kill me by bomb my box?  Who the f**k is Ogun?

Stop play with us, If you made payment please send us the correct information. If not forget it

I swear, Susie, you run a most disorganized loan service.  You can't pick up a simple Western Union, you have people who can't type or spell, and who want Ogun to kill them and me -- who the f**k is Ogun -- they want me to snap a receipt with a phone, crinkling the paper, and they want to bomb my box, and I don't even know what box they're talking about?  I sent you the accurate information.  Is this what it's like getting a loan from Chicago?

Send us the information on the payment receipt please

So I relent...and send them a copy of a Western Union so fuzzied up that Superman couldn't read it:

I warned you that my scanner wasn't working very well.  Since snapping the receipt with my phone only crinkled it, here's the receipt scanned.  I hope you have better eyes than I do

There is no way we can view this receipt you sent, Please give to us the MTCN number on the receipt only.. Give it to us now 

Jesus H and Mary Josephine Francis Beulah Bondage Billy Bob Christ, how many times do I have to give you the same number?  And who the f**k is Ogun?

This is wrong man, this wrong wrong wrong man.   You did not send the fee if not you would have given us the correct information. The MTCN you gave to us is not correct.  you are asshol Mr. Ben.

NO, it isn't wrong, man.  It is the correct mtcn.  At least once it was.  And who the f**k is Ogun? 
Can I have my loan now?

Needless to say, I never got the loan...they never got the $200 I never sent.  And we still don't know who the f**k Ogun was.

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Friday, May 24, 2013

Like Fries With That?

Not that I don't get enough scam email myself, but I kind of enjoy receiving a forwarded one that went to friends, family and acquaintances.

In case you're wondering, this picture does NOT relate to the scam email, other than in that when I received this photo from a scammer, this was supposed to be a scammer refugee from Burkina-Faso, with the improbable name of Esther Warlord.

Uh huh.

But the photo is relevant in that the scam mail forwarded me is from yet another 'man of the cloth'.

Scammers love to portray themselves as priests, revs, etc.  Guess they figure people are willing to tithe.   So I was happy to have a little fun with a character who calls hisself Reverend Clerk Thomason, and put on the editing hat:

Dear perspective partner,

I am the one...the only Reverend Pasture Father Bishop Knight Pawn and Minister of Anal Munitions...I am hisself, Reverend and all that other sh*t Clerk Thomason, sole, heel and instep legal counsel to the late Samuel Meyer, who was in fact related to Oscar, but being late all the time got him kicked out of the wiener business, and so he found something else more sordid to do.
Sadly, that something else wound up lating Samuel in the other way that usually requires flowers, urns, memorials and post funeral parties with cadaviar and other bizarre appetizers like that.  Yuk.
Anyway, the twice late (chrono and biological) Samuel died on the 15th of June, 2013 in the time warp accident over the Third Astral plane of the UK.  Yes, I see that you have noted that it hasn't happened yet.  Well, yes it has, but he requested a re-send on this time machine we have in the basement of our own mini-Vatican...we usually use it for fortune telling and Super Bowl parties, but I digress.
Anyway, during the re-send, he collided with a space-time continummed double decker bus, resulting in quite an Aurora Bustanutus that will be seen from May 31 into June 1 in the northern climes...the spray will land in Iceland.  Again, yuk.
And again, pay no attention to the dates...this is miswarping time travel we're talking about.
But why I am write to you...a fortnight ago -- which is a night protected by battlements, in case the boogerman shows up -- I was contacted by the Royal Scottish Scotch Distillants where he held a small room of casks of unaged vermouth.
This bozo was a real yutz.
So...his family members abandoned him before he was born -- Miss Cleo told them what a jerkoff he was going to be during a special $29.99 all you can ask buffet reading at the Tin Horn Buffet And Psychic Shop -- so he turned to the Dark Side Of the Spam, and began doing stand up routines as Oboy Want Cannoli...which didn't work 'cuz he wasn't Sicilian.  You can't fool REAL Sicilians.
Are you getting the picture here?  Good, because neither could we...we didn't pay the cable bill.  Fortunately this is email.
Contact me via my primate email at
and between the two of us, perhaps we can find someone who'll buy unaged casks of vermouth in a Scottish Scotch distillery.  Perhaps someone who can even pronounce my title without drooling.
Yours sincerely...well not really,
Reverend Pasture Father Bishop Knight Pawn and Minister of Anal Munitions...I am hisself, Reverend and all that other sh*t Clerk Thomason
I actually drew a response from the *good rev*:
who r u
I am...Son of Cheeseburger.  Would you like fries with that?
The lack of a follow up reply suggests not...

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Tuesday, May 21, 2013

A Time To Remember, Salute...And Something More

May 20, 2013.  Late afternoon, and I was tuned into a local OKC news TV station that was reporting on the unfolding disaster in Moore, Oklahoma.

Off to the side of the live feed, was a chat screen, with comments pouring in.

And more than a few of them came from absolute, abject MORONS.

Many on the Left, which came as no surprise to me, what with what I see from them on social media.  But also, some intolerables from the Right.

Yesterday, I kept my thoughts rightly where they belonged:  on the victims in Moore, and the incredibly gutsy first responders who were risking life and limb to get in there to help.

Today, my best wishes and prayers remain with those two most important groups.  My lower primal thoughts are reserved for the aforementioned trolls. 

But first:  what happened in Moore, Oklahoma, not 24 hours ago was a random act of Nature at her ugliest.  Whether it was an EF-4 or EF-5, Mother Nature's very much darker side was a reminder to us all that, in the end, Nature still rules.

No arguments from victims of major earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes and other natural disasters.

The Earth has been around for..hell...3.5-4.5 billion years or so.  It's face and climates have changed many, many times over.  When major eco-systems come and go, the Earth remains.  When major life forms come and go...the Earth remains.  If we idiot humans stupidly nuked ourselves out of existence tomorrow...the Earth would remain.  If a rogue asteroid lined up on and hit Earth -- triggering an E.L.E (Extinction Level Event) catastrophe -- we'd likely be gone in short order.  But the Earth would remain. 

And in a few hundred thousand years, other forms of life would adapt to our folly or misfortune.  As we did after the species we followed.

The Earth will only die when a collision with a large enough asteroid utterly destroys it, or the Sun burns out, goes nova, or at whatever point it quits providing that which nourishes and provides the life here as we now know it.

Now..and first to you libtard morons who are unhinged on AlGore's AGW fraud:  tornadoes are possibly as old as this planet.  Tornadoes were killing animals on the Great Plains long before Man knew what a tornado was.  When you libtard MORONS claim that May 20, 2013 in Moore was the product of climate change naysayers, you show your abject and abysmal education and lack of common sense.

The tri-state tornado in 1925 killed more than 700 people.  What did your AGW fraud have to do with that?  NOT ONE FRIGGIN' THING.  Bad years and mild years for tornadoes, hurricanes, droughts, flooding, winter storms...check a reliable source for records on them (not some junk science site run by a meth-addicted libtard).

The Earth's weather patterns and cycles are affected by geologic and solar influences.  The Earth's crust and land masses are ever in motion.  It's crust, ever in motion.  Approximately 10,000 or so years from now -- assuming either is still there -- LA and SF will be 'burbs of each other.

And weather patterns are everchanging and CYCLICAL.  Geologists know this from studies of 600,000 years worth of layered sediment.  Geology.  Solar activity.

What's more...the Earth doesn't give one friggin' damn about a tree hugging hippie, or an alleged conservative who wants to poison his grandkids' water and air.  The Earth doesn't give a DAMN about libtards or conservatives or any other political ideology.

The Earth does what it does naturally.  Including introduce disasters to it's current human inhabitants.

Just as it did to preceding life forms.

As for WHY it does it where it does's because Earth simply does what it does.  HOW it does it is infinitely more complex than I'll ever be able to explain, but it simply does what it does.  And when it does one of those rather critically unpleasant things that excite 24 news cycles, and it does it around where people live...most of us feel bad for them, and at the same time feel glad we weren't there.

Either way, the Earth doesn't care.

For those of you who believe in a higher power, God is forgiveness and forebearance; the Earth...not so much.  Earth doesn't care if you're in the path of a flash flood racing down a mountain canyon, or at the epicenter of a magnitude 8.9 earthquake, or on the Gulf Coast in the path of Hurricane Camille or Katrina, or within range of an erupting volcano. in a town that's being randomly targeted by an EF-4/5 tornado, one of Nature's most violent and random acts of Earth doing what Earth does.

You can pray to God, and God will hear you...but the Earth won't care.  It's doing what it does.

As it did in Moore, Oklahoma.  And as it will do in other places, again and again.

And that, libtard morons, has nothing to do with the fraud of AGW, conservatives, guns, fiscal responsibility, or any other cock and bull crap you're told to spew by low information talking points.

On the other hand...for the Wasteburro Flaptrap "God is punishing you" I said, the God I believe in and was raised to believe in, is forgiving and forebearing.  He does hear prayers, even when, much as we wish otherwise, the answer is no. 

The god you claim to preach anywhere from a malignant sock puppet, to Satan himself.  Either way, that abomination you honor has nothing to do with decent honest people, or decent civil society. 

Frankly, the God I believe in might just be forgiving and forebearing enough to take a reformed Wasteburro Flaptrapian into Heaven, assuming that they renounced all of their hateful bile that they spew here.  But I suspect that God would even hesitate to saddle Satan himself with Shirley Phelps-Roper.

Stuffing her on a rocket and shooting it to Uranus probably wouldn't be fair.  To Uranus.

Okay...that's my ineloquent vent.  Like it or not...I've had my say.  And here, my say is final.

Granted that's only here...but here -- in my little piece of blogdom -- I don't suffer libtard or Wasteburro Flaptrap morons, period.

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Saturday, May 18, 2013

The Bayford Lotto Scam: Dumb Gets Dumber Part II

I love the photos the scammers attach to 'authenticate' their lotto scams.

But I digress. 

So my character -- Jack N. Ewehoff -- responds in a positive manner to the Bayfraud duet and their bank of note:  Citibank Ukraine.

Alleged Brits using an American bank branch in the Ukraine.  I like it.  Don't buy it, but I like it.

As much as they're going to come to love Jack N. Ewehoff.

Let's get right to the to 'n fro in email:

I can't tell you what this means to me.  I am sharing my response with the bank you referenced, and look forward to hearing from them soonest.
Jack Ewehoff

 It didn't take the Ukrainians from Comrade Citibank long to respond with their "transfer application" (which you'll note I've already filled out):

Welcome To JSCB Citibank Online Service Ukraine 
16G Dymytrove Street,
Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

Dear Customer;

You are receiving this email correspondence from Mr Jeffery Brown, the Controller and Chief Accounting Officer of JSCB Citibank Ukraine.

JSCB Citibank Ukraine is constantly striving to meet your offshore and international banking and investment needs, and when you join our Organisation , you are making a commitment that deserves reward, as we offer you access to a wealth of services and products and a dedicated relationship manager.

Your details were forwarded to us by the management of Kingsley Napley Law firm on behalf of Gillian and Adrian Bayford the Euro Millions Lottery winners, declaring you as a Bonafide beneficiary of their ongoing donation.

JSCB Citibank Ukraine hereby officially inform you that your valid cheque for 1,500,000.00 GBP = $2,328,241.57 USD is currently in our bank's possession and as it was deposited with us as an International bank draft by the Gillian and Adrian Bayford, the Euro Millions Lottery Winners.

According to the European Financial Service Authority rules and regulations for accounts and large transfers, International customers are to employ the services of an intermediary bank which will be responsible for clearing their Cheque here in Europe before the funds in cash can be transferred to the destination country.

This is the role JSCB Citibank Ukraine have been authorized to play and we expect you to furnish us with the below details to enable us transfer/wire your funds to your operational bank account in your country.

Step 1:
*FIRST NAME:      Jack
*LAST NAME:        Ewehoff
*DATE OF BIRTH:   2-29-19**
*SEX:                      Male
*ADDRESS:           *** ******* Street
*CITY:                    Central City
*STATE:                  CO
*POSTCODE:         80427
*COUNTRY:           USA
*MOBILE NO:         303-***-****
*OCCUPATION:     Entremanure

Step 2:
*BANK NAME:          National Westminster Bank PLC
*BANK ADDRESS:   Texas Commerce Tower, Suite ****  Houston TX 77002
*NAME OF ACCOUNT:    Jack N. Ewehoff
*ACCOUNT NUMBERS:   **********
*SWIFT CODE :                 *********
*ROUTING NUMBERS:    *********

Your funds which amounts to 1,500,000.00 GBP = $2,328,241.57 USD will be credited to your operational bank account within 2-3 working days after transfer.

NOTE: If you do not wish to submit the above details due to reasons best known to you, your valid bank cheque can be sent to your address via courier delivery, but you will be responsible for courier delivery fee as delivery fee must be paid before shipment is effected.

Thank you for your time and may God Almighty blessed you and your lovely family , we look forward to the successful transfer of your funds.

Yours in service,
Mr Jeffery Brown

Chief Accounting Officer(Local/Foreign)

Filled out and sent; now comes the wait for "approval"....*Jeopardy Theme whilst we wait*...and the wait is little more than a day, as apparently Ukrainian banks are the epitome of efficiency:

JSCB Citibank Ukraine
16G Dymytrova Street, Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

Dear valued Customer: Jack Ewehoff

We thank you for emailing your information for the Successful transfer of your donation of 1,500,000,00Pounds from Gillian and Adrian Bayford JSCB Citibank Ukraine.

Please be informed that the transfer of your cash donation - One Million Five hundred Thousand Pounds(£1,500,000.00GBP) to your operational Bank Account in USA was successful, Funds Transfer was effected today the 10th day of May, 2013.

Due to International Banking regulations/policies of large funds transfer from the Ukraine to your bank account in your country will be credited within (2-3) working days from today, after the funds transfer fee must have been effected by you.

NOTE: Current status of funds transfer is "Successful" Funds transfer Status will switch from " Successful" to "Completed" after Citibank is in receipt of your funds transfer fee/ Cost of transfer . In accordance with the Financial Services Authority,the regulator of all providers of financial services in the Ukraine, the funds transfer charge is 0.03% of the transfer sum - One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Pounds (£1,500,000.00) = £450.00Pounds this means that before the funds transfer can be completed, you will have to pay for the Transfer fee of 450Pounds, according to the banking law of Ukraine, international transfer fee cannot be deducted from the funds in the account, you will have to pay this transfer fee from you personal pocket, and once the payment is confirmed the funds transfer will be completed before 2 working days.

Note: Your bank draft was initially insured by the donors(Gillian and Adrian Bayford),Citi bank cannot recall back your funds, but Citibank can place your funds temporarily on ''PENDING'' only in situations where no positive response is received from the beneficiary/receiver of funds.

Citibank funds transfer charges of 0.03% which is 450Pounds for international customers can only be effected to our International account officer Via Western Union Or Money Gram.

Payment Information of 450Pounds/$810 for Transfer fee Via Western Union
Receiver Name: Osagie Johnson
Receiver Address: 16G Dymytrova Street,
Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

We recommend that You reach us either by email or phone immediately for specific details of payment of £450.00Pounds for Transfer Fee, Money Transfer Control Number, Senders name, Amount Sent, country Money sent from, this are the information we need to receive the funds, and also send a scan copy of the western union money transfer receipt, Find in the attachment the telex copy/receipt of funds transfer .

Congratulations on a successful transfer.

Thank you for your time and we look forward to the successful transfer of your funds.
Yours in service,
Jeffery Brown (Mr.)
Chief Accounting Officer(Local/Foreign)

So the money's already transferred (to a non-existent bank account with totally bogus routing and swift code numbers, in Houston, Texas), and after I pay the fees, I can access the money.

Awwwww, shucks.  They shouldn't have.

So now it's time to play by first promising (on the previous Friday) that I'll make the payment by the next Monday; and then come that Monday:

I will have a one-day delay in wiring you the transfer fees required for this large deposit you have for me.  My local Western Union had some kind of technical issue, and I will not be able to wire you the required fees until Tuesday, May 14.  Again, I appreciate all that you've done on my behalf, and trust you'll understand this slight delay.
Jack Ewehoff

Comrade Jeff Brown, of course, is okay with this:

Dear Valued Customer:
We will expect your payment as agreed to on Tuesday, May 14.  Pleased to notify us promptly when it is made.

So on Tuesday, "Jack" sends 'em this.

Mr. Brown,
I will wire you the funds after 11am my time on Tuesday, May 14.

He wires back:

Dear valued Customer: 
I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.

Now let's see what a *tweak* does:

Mr. Brown
Citibank Ukarest
Sir, I checked with my bank in Houston, and they inform me that no deposit by you has been made.  No deposit by you has been received.  You had previously informed me that the deposit had already been made, and only my payment of fees will allow me access to it.
I will now appreciate your explanation of the aspect of things here.  I mean, I have wired the fee as agreed, but I find that there is no deposit awaiting me.  Explain please.

The explanation I get back is a demonstration that we've now wandered a bit off the template path for Mr. Brown 'n Co:

Dear valued Customer: 
I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.  The deposit is in order and requires only you payment of fees to secure it to you.  this is what we agree to, yes?


The deposit is NOT in order; the deposit isn't even HERE, according to my bank.  Again I ask for an explanation of the aspect of things.  MY end has been held up, in that the fee has been wired as per your instructions.  BUT....your end is not sticking up.  Where is it?

Dear valued Customer: 

I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.  we cannot go ahead without payment details you make today.

What he wants is the MTCN:

Yo, Comrades of Citibank:  do you understand the words coming out of my word processor?  You say the deposit is made.  My bank say the deposit is not.  Where for art thou is deposit?  Answer that question FIRST.

He is nothing if not persistent:

Dear valued Customer: 
I await the details of payment once you make the payment today.  this i must have before your deposit can be release.

Ah...FINALLY an admission that no deposit has yet been sent (like any was ever intended to be):

Citibank of Ukranus:
You told me that you'd already deposited the money in my account.  YOU TOLD ME THIS.  Now you tell me that it will be after I make the fee payment?  I still waiteth for explanation.  Yes, I do.  Indeed.  I do I do I do.  I do be do be do.

Dear valued Customer: 
nothing can be until you advice us that you have make payment and provide us needed details.  this you agree to.  time is not on our side.

Here we go again with this "time is not on our side" borscht.  Fine; let's get to messing with the transfer of the fee:

Anyway, as you requested, I wired you the $810 USD fee in the manure and to whom you had instructed me to do.  In fact, with the time difference between us, I'm sure he should already have picked up the fee.  I refer you to your earlier email that instructed me to whom and how to wire the funds.

When are you making the payment for the transfer fee.

Payment Information of 450Pounds/$810 for Transfer fee Via Western Union
Receiver Name: Osagie Johnson
Receiver Address: 16G Dymytrova Street,
Kyiv 03150, Ukraine

We recommend that You reach us either by email or phone immediately for specific details of payment of £450.00Pounds for Transfer Fee, Money Transfer Control Number, Senders name, Amount Sent, country Money sent from, this are the information we need to receive the funds, and also send a scan copy of the western union money transfer receipt.

Yes, Mr. Brown, that is exactly how I sent the money, and to whom I sent it.  Mr. Osagie Johnson.  Strange name for a Ukrainian.  Anyway, that's where and how it was sent.  I reckon he should have it by now.   So if I am understanding this, my money will activate in my account in 48-72 hours, right?

What are you talking about? if you sent the money, you did not provide me with the Money Transfer Control Number, how do you expect us to collect it, send the Money Transfer Control Number that the western union gave you, that is the number we need to pick up the funds

What do you mean, "what am I talking about"?  I'm talking about the instructions you gave me to wire the money -- to whom, how much and where -- and that I used those instructions accordingly.  After reading your message, I called my local Western Union; they confirm I sent the money.  They did say that it doesn't appear that it's been picked up yet, though.  Is Osagie aware it's there?  It's in his name.

How do you expect Osagie Johnson to pick up the funds with out the MTCN number given to you by the Western Union office, send me the MTCN number to pikcup the funds, and also if you have a scanner send me a scan copy of the western union receipt.
This are the information we need to pick up the funds.
MTCN Number
Amount sent
Senders Name
that is all Osagie Johnson need to pick up the $810, so send it and he will pick up the funds and we will complete the transfer today.  please this is very time consume.

Well sh*t, why didn't you say so?  I'll scan the receipt in and get it off to you straight away.
Along with that, I send him a copy of this well-used, fuzzied up image of a Western Union receipt that I've made use of many times prior with scammers:

And with that illegible receipt, I calmly await what I was not disppointed in receiving:

How do you expect Osagie Johnson to pick up the funds with this receipt.  just tell us the MTCN number given to you by the Western Union office so that this can be conclude in your favor.
Look, Brownie, I've provided everything that you have asked.  Osagie has the receipt.  Tell him to take it to Western Union and cash the f***ing thing already.  You guys aren't all that bright over there in Ukraine, are you?
That comment apparently went over poorly with Brown 'n Co:
This is not a valid receipt.  we are serious bank and you are jesting us and waste our time.  we email with you no more.
Well, as long as that's the case -- and the fact that he didn't respond back to my "when do I get my money, Brownie?" -- now it's time to send to him....and a plethora of his peers and edit of his original email.  I had fun widdit:
Welcome To JSCB Mountebank Online Slavic Ukraine 
16G Dyemycrotchpurple Street,
Kyiv 03150, Ukraine, A Chernobyl Production

Dear Customer;

You are receiving this email correspondence from Mr Jeffrey Brown, a toothless vodka addict who pulls his pud while reciting Lenin in the town square here.
This make me loco heroine here, yes?

JSCB Mountebank Ukraine is constantly striving to meet offshore and international mugus and dumbasses, and when you join our Organisation, you are making a big fucking mistake for you, and hopefully a decent payday for us. 
Your details were forwarded to us by the meth-addicted troika of Kingsley Napley & Dorkey Law firm on behalf of Gilligan and Mary Ann Bayfraud of the S.S. Minnow,  a helluva bad capitalist TV show from a shitload of years back. 

JSCB Mountebank Ukraine hereby officially inform you that you're a capitalist dork tongue for actually believing a bunch of vodka-sodden Slavics in a run down internet cafe would actually have, waiting for you, a valid cheque for 1,500,000.00 GBP = $2,328,241.57 USD.  We cannot enough stop this our laugh at you.   One of our more sodden members choke on his bile, it is about this that he laugh so hard.  Eh-ski...we leave him where he is.  No like him anyway.
According to the European Financial Service Authority rules and regulations for accounts and large transfers...well fuckski, none of that Western capitalist shit applies to us here at JSCB Mountebank of Ukraine!   So what DOES apply here, you ask?  Well...uh...oh, that right:  what matters here is yak mating cycles.  You don't want to be here during yak mating cycles.  Yaks are heavy and bikes always break. 
I must know more about the whyfor of this, but that is for later when I can digress with enough vodka to help digression.
This is the role JSCB Mountebank Ukraine have been authorized to play and we demand you to furnish us with the below details to enable us transfer/wire funds out of your operational bank account in your country.

Steppes 1 (see what it is that we just did there?):

Steppes 2 (see, we dood it again, mebbe this time you see?):
We needs all the second steppes part -- I make self laugh again -- so we can order more Absolut for our vodka-meth party we have every Friday of night, at your capitalist expense.  What, no like vodka-meth?  Don't knock it you not come try it.  It help with strange appendages we sprout after work at rounding up all the yak gerbils  created after Chernobyl.

NOTE: If you do not wish to submit the above details due to reasons best known to you, a Ukrainian orthodox pox on your family, pets, collection of Lindsay Lohan drug abuse citations AND on your genitals. 
I, Mr. Geophry Brown, I is thorough, yes you see this?

Thank you for your time if you follow all our instructs and may God pee in your breakfast foods, along with those of your family tree, if you are not convince to meet our demand, you capitalist pig.
We looks forward to the successful acquisition of your funds, Western douche nozzle.

Mr Jeffery Brown (I spended much the time to come up with that names)
P of S:  I am not THAT Brown with lovely daughter...not to even ASK.
That did draw one last feeble email from the Mr. Brown of Citibank Ukraine:

That's the second or third time this year that a scammer's called me that...what's more, I think I can safely take that to mean that I'm not welcome to open an account with his bank....

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