Saturday, June 30, 2012

Somewhere In Time...A Commercial?

Got a bone to pick with this entry?

I recommend the humerus.  Though, the tibia is five letters, three syllables...a lot for your bone budget.

Undigressing, what follows here has nothing to do with bones.  Perhaps. 

My local radio station does something weird on Saturday nights: they broadcast a show called "Somewhere In Time", featuring the radio show of Art Bell, from 10-15 years ago.

Mebbe reruns are cheaper than having a real time show.

Anyway, the rebroadcasted show for this past Saturday was from July 2, 2002. And it featured a story that the Vatican has in its possession, has used, and is hiding, a time machine.  No, not a fancy cuckoo clock that does ‘Hail Mary’ in place of "cuckoo!!"; a thing referred to as a "Chronovisor". The claim is that this device – like a TV set – can be set to a certain time and event, and allows the viewer to see things as they actually happened, or perhaps are yet to happen. 

*Note to Vatican-local convenience stores: if you start seeing bulk buying of party supplies closer to December this year, kindly drop us a line as regards the Mayan calendar thingee.*

The story goes that a person of the cloth – identified as Father Francois Brune – claimed in a 2002 book that a "chronovisor" was invented and exists within the confines of the Vatican.  The claim is that the device had been built by the Italian priest and scientist Father Pellegrino Maria Ernetti, in part with a group of eminent scientists in the 1960s, and this television-like device could view events of the past, as well as focus and track specific people.

Coming as no surprise, Ernetti lacked hard evidence for his claims to have helped built this device, and having seen it actually work. For instance, Ernetti claimed to have observed, among other historical events, Christ’s being crucified by Bill Maher on HBO.

Which in itself is no big thing; those few among us who can stomach Bill Maher have seen that.

Using the chronovisor, Ernetti claimed to have witnessed other scenes from history, such as:

- the performance of a play in Rome in 169 BC, depicting a presidential candidate asking donors to give their wedding, anniversary and birthday gifts to him, prompting the overthrow of the candidate, to be replaced with an inflatable Caesar, stolen from a local pizza chain store;

- the building of Egyptian pyramids by aliens from the planet Alpha Centuri, after Artifacts Builders Local 101 went on strike to demand the right to not walk like an Egyptian while carrying large blocks of stone;

- of an ancient AlGore being tossed from Noah’s Ark, for claiming that the 40 days and 40 nights of rain were due to human-caused global warming, that the Ark wasn’t union-built and therefore wasn’t up to OSHA standards, and finally for having tried to have sex with a unicorn after insisting that meth and wine were "experience enhancing";

- settling the long time debate about where the mythical Ark of the Covenant is: it is crated up in a huge government warehouse, with a stenciled note "Do Not Open Until We Figure Out How To Keep the Sand Inside From Killing Us".

- the sinking of the RMS Titanic, not by an iceberg as long believed, but by an alien U-boat that mistook the luxury liner for an attacking seaoppottomus, an aquatic creature of dubious antecedence from the alien’s home planet.

Granted, this story is ten years old; but that hasn’t allowed it to fade away entirely. In fact, in an Election 2012 twist for conspiracy theorists, it is believed that representatives of the current potus are negotiating with the Vatican to (a) admit they have this chronovisor and (b) to let the potus campaign look ahead to November, so they can see how many dead voters they need to register to alter the outcome. The sticking point now is over the administration’s mandatory contraception edict, and the fact that most of the monks – after seeing pictures of Sandra Fluke – argue that she is the posterchild for abstinence, rather than contraception.

This point caused Nancy Botox Pelosi to bloat like a puffer.

Does the Vatican have a ‘time machine’ hidden away in the alleged ‘vast catacombs’ beneath the sprawling Vatican City complex?  One capable of looking into long-lost epochs of the past, to obtain definitive answers to long-pondered questions about no-longer-extant antiquity?

I asked my pet rock, Seymour; about the existence of the chronovisor, Seymour gave me one of those patented 'shrugs' that only a pet rock can give.  As for what might the Vatican have in the way of secret tunnels and catacombs, I thought Seymour might have some insight there, what with his having been indigenous to that region at one time in his 4.5 billion year history.

Unfortunately for folks eager to have this conspiracy theory factualized, Seymour’s of no help: he reminded me that he was there well before Vatican City was conceived. Indeed, when Seymour was last in the vicinity, reporters for the Rome Imperial Times were discussing the economic pros and cons of a visiting field general, known as Hannibal: how his eminent domain policies were ruinous to the small businesspersons from Umbria to Bruttium; on the other hand, how he was a boon to job creation, especially among the Roman legions, which experienced enormous job growth during his period of being --  in the words of one Roman senator -- "a Carthaginian pain in the ass" (from 218-203 BC).

Seymour does suggest, however, if one recalls the subterranean expanses noted in movies like From Russia With Love and the Indiana Jones series, it is reasonable to expect that the Vatican has all sorts of "goodies" stored away beneath their enclave.

Such were the headlines 10 years ago, "Somewhere In Time".  Which I don't think I'll listen to any more of; not after hearing about how a person from New Mexico claimed he was kidnapped by aliens, was taken aboard their space ship, whisked away to an alien world, and forced to appear on an alien TV talk show, Oprahtoid....The alleged existence of the chronovisor has fueled a whole series of conspiracy theories, such as that the device is hidden away in the vast catacombs beneath the Vatican and is actually used there by a special sect of monks to secretly wager on Super Bowls in Las Vegas a year in advance, as a way of maintaining a ‘slush fund’ for the monks to keep well supplied with Beano, so their diet doesn’t require them to increase their carbon offset budget.

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Wednesday, June 27, 2012

An Issue of 'Fairness'

My pet rock, Seymour, will never be a William F. Buckley.

But he's getting pretty good and having fun with edits.

I may unleash him on the scammers again.

In the meantime, Seymour brought to my attention an article that had potus' re-election campaign complaining about 'heckling' from supporters of his likely opponent in November.

A party that has taken heckling to the point of shutting down cities, businesses, and trashing whatever they can get their hands on, is now upset by some sign wavers and chanters that AREN'T on their side?


I see why Seymour decided to have a little fun here:

Conservatives is ‘endorsing our own tactics against us,’ nobama camp snivels

Potus Barry Soetero nobama has the "bully pulpit" of the White House, and also makes use of a lot of ‘bully’ from golf courses and fundraisers, but apparently when the shoe gets put on the other foot, it fits funny and causes a lot of stumbling and bumbling on the campaign trail.

Worse from the view point of the nobama campaign staff – especially when their cocaine runs low – is that some supporters of nobama’s opponent are showing up with signs and chants, just like nobama supporters have been doing to conservatives for years.

And that "just isn’t fair".

"We have sent a strong message to our supporters that this campaign is a choice between our vision of marxism and expanding the dependency class to outlandish levels, versus the ridiculous ideas of our opponents that involve such rank heresy as self accountability, self responsibility, common sense, hard work to achieve goals, and the idea that this nation is – gag me with a front end loader – a constitutional representative republic, and not an anarchist-leaning democracy that is leaning strongly toward enormous, all-powerful government," nobama campaign spokesman Bent RaVolt snivelled Tuesday.

RaVolt pointed to news reports quoting their opponent pointing out Saul Alinsky’s Rules For Radicals have been used widely by the Left for years, and RaVolt complained that "those rules are for us leftist radicals, and NOT for Tea Party or conservative people. It’s not fair for them to turn our words and actions against us".

LaBolt went on "for example, it’s not fair for media to compare the cesspool conditions that exist at Occupy sites, and the need of establishing "rape free zones", with the condition of Tea Party rally sites, that "look as clean as before they arrived". How can they call themselves protesters when they leave a site in the same condition as how they found it, and respect the women in their midst? Ridiculous".

A resounding "awwwwwww" erupted from the lamestream media.

"Campaigns are a reflection of their candidate, and we need you to forget that on our part", RaVolt whined. "With all that's at stake in this election, we need Americans to ignore our actions the past three years, and glom onto conservatives using our tactics against us, which is a clear foul and totally unfair," RaVolt muttered tearfully, trying to win some media points with crocodile tears.

Dumbass Axholeputz, a key adviser to the marxist potus, whined in a tweet after backers of nobama’s opponent disrupted a nobama campaign event in Boston by acting like nobama supporting thugs frequently do against their opponents. "A double standard is clearly called for here, and our opposition is not allowed to use the disruptive tactics that we own", Axholeputz tweeted.

Worse, those waskiwy Tea Partiers had a bus circle a nobama event last week before the potus arrived from a golf course, repeatedly honking its horn, drowning out Occupy drum circles.

"It’s insidious", RaVolt noted, after looking up the word to make sure he wouldn’t be taken out of context. "We have sent a strong message to our supporters that this campaign should be an open declaration of war on decency, morality, the rule of law and common sense, one where we drown out the other side by heckling and crashing events," RaVolt harrumphed in an emailed statement approved by nobama’s teleprompter.

"We will win this campaign on our tried and despicable methods: voting irregularities and accusing the other side of planning to do what we’re in fact doing.  We will continue to successfully blame George Bush for everything that deflects blame from our boss, because so much of the lowest forms of media here are dependent upon us to stay relevant.  We can therefore continue lying, cheating, and misreporting everything we possibly can. We know how best to enslave the middle class, while falsely claiming we’re here for the middle class," the spokesman bloviated.

RaVolt's comments followed an opposition interview with "Kiljoy & Babes" on Fox in which the opponent standard-bearer declined to urge his supporters and staff to play nice with the leftist thugs.

The campaign heckling — and the snivelling about it from one side — came as millions of Americans struggled to understand how taxpayer-funded lavish vacations, golf outings, fund raisers, and bypassing Congress to allow 800,000 illegals to vote and get jobs, does one friggin’ thing to help the middle class at all.

Meantime, nobama was in Mexico at an international summit focused on getting the Mexican government to increase illegal immigration, because potus "needs every vote he can manufacture".

On Friday, a reporter with more stones than most lamestreamers seem to have, challenged the potus on his unconstitutional major policy shift on immigration to pad Democrat voter rolls as much as possible.

"No burritos for him!" went the cry from the spokesperson for Illegal Immigrants For Marxism.

At this rate, Seymour will NOT get an invite to The View.  Which is okay; Joy Behar makes him want to throw up.  Not an easy thing for a pet rock to do.

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Saturday, June 23, 2012

Register THIS

In a campaign season of continuing "WTF!?"s, the campaign for the worst potus in American history has just upped the ante for the most abjectly STUPID idea, ever.

Getting married soon?  Having an anniversary?  A birthday?  Some celebration of some milestone?  Is it for you?  Your spouse?  Your family?  Your kin?  Your dead dawg Rolf who had ACORN help voting in '06, even though Rolf passed in '03?

Well, the nobama campaign has come up with a way that you can have that 'gift' go to something more important than you, your spouse, kids, kin, et al:

Obama asks supporters who are getting married to ask for a donation to his campaign instead of a wedding gift. You can even register your wedding on his campaign website.

"Got a birthday, anniversary, or wedding coming up?

"Let your friends know how important this election is to you — register with Obama 2012, and ask for a donation in lieu of a gift. It’s a great way to support the President on your big day. Plus, it’s a gift that we can all appreciate — and goes a lot further than a gravy bowl."
Read more:
Yes, the nobama crapaign has really done this.  Really really.
It's astonishing how low *O.B.A.M.A.* (aka, One Big Abject Mistake America) is willing to stoop.
So my pet rock, Seymour, suggested to me that instead of spending the money to send him -- Seymour -- to visit another out of state admirer, I should send that money to the nobama crapaign.
"Did NOT!!!!!"
Instead, I and my pet rock had a little *fun* with the campaign ploy: 
potus "It all 'bout me, foos!" Registree
We gots ta ax ya somethin'.  Yeah, you.

Got a birthday, anniversary, or wedding coming up? 

So the f*** what?  Who are YOU?  Oh some small-minded people out there, you might have some kind of symbolism.  You may have been misled by Dubya, Fox News or that hateful talk radio crowd that you're a taxpaying, registered-to-vote, working, law-abiding, God fearing, productive member of society, and a parent, son/daughter, et al....phffffffffft!  GET THIS, FOO:  you ain't the potus!!  You don't rate bein' a prostitute for his Secret Service!

So this year, tell all your family, friends, business and pleasure associates to screw giving gifts of any kind to you on your special day.  After all, you don't want to be known as a greedy, mean-spirited Islamophobe, illegals-hating RACIST, do you?

Tell 'em all that instead of gifts to your pathetic, useless, insignificant self, that all you have -- right down to your last pair of argyle socks -- goes to the potus!!!  For it is HE, and only HE, that matters!!!

You may as well tell your kids, no gifts this year.  The spouse?  Phffft.  Parents, friends, family, even the stupid little kid that delivers your paper and should have been aborted...IT ALL GOES TO potus. 

And forget the Tooth Fairy:  we've already had the IRS attach every last quarter that rat bastard ever had.

Let your friends know how abjectly pathetic and moronic you've become — register with the narcissistic marxist potus' beneath outhouse contempt campaign registry, and tell your spouse, your kids, family, friends, pets how unimportant and undeserving they are!

C'mawn....give it up to the marxist moron in the White House, so he can keep wiping his feet on the Constitution!  It’s a great way to show how little you realize you are, when compared to the ABJECTLY WORST potus in American history!

Oops...that wasn't supposed to post like that ...*edit*...*edit*.... dammit ...*edit* .. DAMMIT ...*EDIT EDIT EDIT* .... DAMN THE VAST RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY!!!

So send us all of your toasters, bath towels and gravy bowls.  NO, DAMMIT, THAT'S NOT WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO POST HERE!!!  HELP ME, JAY CARNEY, HELP ME HELP ME....*oh wait...that douche nozzle can't even help himself*....DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!  GET THE CONSERVATIVES OUT OF MY "ALL ABOUT ME" REGISTRY!!!

Setting up and sharing your registry page is easy -- *nOBAMA SUX*-- DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pithy Little Marxist Dweebs of George Soros approved this nonsense for the past 3 plus years .... GAWDDAMMIT, WHY WON'T IT LET ME LIE!!!!!

Yawp...Seymour's ROFLwhat-passes-for-hisAO.


Friday, June 22, 2012

A Little Levity

A little break from creative editing...unless you're a fly sex fan:

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Fried Green Condiments

My pet rock, Seymour, is becoming very politically astute.

Or so he tells me.

He's taken to perusing online news sources, looking for particular political fare to have a little 'editorial fun' with.

I told him that during an election cycle -- and unlike him -- it isn't hard.

He didn't get it.

"Did TOO!"

At any rate, Seymour found one about future presidential debates that he thought had potential, and he wanted to have a crack at 'editing' it.

So..."ripped from the headlines" and trashed by a pet rock:

Democrat To Be Condiment For Practice Potus Banquet

Even presidents have to prepare to be or do something at some point in their administration. Some do something better than others, to be sure. Some confuse time on the links and at fundraisers with the honing of executive masterbation, like the current potus.

At any rate, meth-affected staffers of the current potus campaign have really reached deep in to their bag of tricks for the upcoming banquets, and have asked John F***ing Kerry to stand in as a ketchup bottle that potus will be able to debate with relish.

The news of this dubious choice first appeared via a leak in the White House press room, tracked to Jay Carney’s chia pet, Maddow, during a sexual encounter with a Hillary nutcracker (from 2008 campaign memorabilia).

[Unrelated: Van Jones wants to debate a spare tire; says "it cant ax no tuff questions".]

.It was pointed out by a White House chef that Kerry married into the ketchup fortune, and ever since has thought that a condiment was something profound Dubya’s second Secretary of State might have said. But other alleged similarities that meth-addicted staffers of potus tried to bring up, really don't really make a helluva lot of sense to those that think a bottle of ketchup is worth a portrayal by John F***ing Kerry. Neither come from fried green termaders; one looks like Lurch and the other kinda doesn’t. One you squeeze, and the "phffft" sound is accompanied by tomato by-product; the other you squeeze and the "phffft" sound is accompanied by Debbie Wasserman-Schultz talking points, and smells fecal. One uses no high fructose corn syrup, and the other uses botox.

[Unrelated: John Edwards says ‘mebbe’ to co-hosting MSNBC show with Sandra Fluke, if he doesn’t have to pay child support].

Potus's chief strategist Dumbass Axholeputz said, "There is no one that has more experience at talking both ways out of his ass than John Kerry. Well, okay...mebbe my boss. Eric Holder. Ed Schultz. Chris Matthews. Michael Moore. Hillary. Barney Fwank. Dick Durban. Harry Reid. Rachel Madcow. Bela Pelosi. Our stupid DNC chairwench. Dammitall, look what you got me started on!!! What the f**k was I drivelling about? Oh yeah...John Kerry can portray a condiment better than any opponent of my boss, so by gawd – no deity references meant there – we got him. He’s up to speed and won’t have to ketchup, so he's the obvious choice."

[Unrelated: potus’s birth certificate located on Mars by the Hubble Telescope, NASA says].

A spokesman for Government Motors had a ‘duck hit over the head with a paper towel roll’ look when asked if any of this was tied to trying to resurrect the Edsel as a green-friendly tree, and responded rather heatedly in Azerbijani, which the White House quickly apologized for on Venezuelan TV.

Though most lamestream news agencies couldn’t give a bat penis about balance, we bothered to ask the potus’s opponent who he might have portray the potus for his preparatory debates; his spokesperson suggested that "a door knob was being considered, even though, as a condiment, it was underqualified, but as a potus, when compared to the current one, it was overqualified".

[Sort of unrelated: CNN reporter ejected from press briefing for asking Joe Biden "if he had any gray poop on" and Biden answering yes, before understanding the question].

I dunno...Seymour might just has hisself a crack at a cable TV show, if he keeps this up...*wink*

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Saturday, June 16, 2012

Seymour Helps Potus 'Splain Wisconsin

My pet rock, Seymour, had so much 'fun' with my last political column 'edit', that he went out and found me another 'un.

My pet rock needs a life.

"Do NOT!!!"

At any rate...Seymour saw an interview that potus granted to a Wisconsin radio station, to explain why he -- potus -- hadn't lent more support to the recent fiasco (for unions) of a recall election of Governor Scott Walker (R).

In essence:  "potus was too busy" to help.

I can see the validity in that.  Really.  So much so, that I took that into account with this 'edited version' of Interview With A Fundraiser:

Nobama: Too busy fundraising and golfing to help Wisconsin Democrat erections
By Olivier De Havilland-Will-Travel
The Pick It

Potus Barry H. Soetero Nobama bloviated in a radio interview why he didn't do more to help Wisconsin Democrats in their battle to recall what it’s like to have erections: He was too busy.

"The truth of the matter – which would be a change for me to tell – is that, as potus, I've got a lot of responsibilities for visiting golf courses, Hollywood fundraisers, TV talk shows, and whipping up divisive racial nonsense at occupy something-er-other sites," the potus carefully read from his omnipresent teleprompter.

He said he was "supportive" of Democrats having more erections, and felt that his support of Sandra Fluke was not jeopardizing that outcome, despite polling numbers that indicated 9.99 in 10 dead voters in Wisconsin cemeteries couldn’t "get it up" for the state Dems.

"Obviously, I would have loved a different question from you," Obama told his hand.

And potus said he would be working to ensure more Viagra to state Dem organizations throughout "our tightly focused 57 states", so as to have a different result in November.

"We're going to be spinning sh** very hard in each and every state of the 57, just like we have in the past," said potus.

Asked whether the recall of erections by state Democrats would have a ripple effect beyond Wisconsin's border, potus replied: "I sure hope so. Democrat erections make it easier for us to screw the public at large, don’t you think?"

"Keep in mind, it is a bit unusual when a party’s sexual dysfunction gets this much attention in the middle of a presidential election," potus whined. "It’s supposed to be all about me".

When this response caused this columnist to inquire if the potus had a sexual dysfunction, he quickly threw water on his teleprompter, and began to bloviate extemporaneously.

"My suspicion is all across this country, George Bush is continuing to make my job harder by not complaining about how I blame all my inadequacies on him, so my lapdogs in the media can divert attention from my inadequacies to Dubya. But one of the lessons learned is that next time, I won’t let Ayers put anything in my books about eating dogs. That asshole really screwed me with that one," the potus said.

Soetero has repeatedly called for a "platter of dachsund" that combines legs and thighs. Being drug into a state-wide argument about Democrats and their erections "diverts attention from what really matters to the American people: when I get my Oscar for my poortrayal of potus the past 3 and a half years", potus noted.
The White House played down the ramifications of Nobama getting an Oscar to go with his Nobel, Tony, Grammy, Pull-My-Finger and other unearned awards that George Soros has been buying for him. And the White House also shrugged off the claim that posted pictures of DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz in state party offices directly led to a severe depletion among Democrat males’ erections last week.

The White House is also trying to deny that Nobama did little to help Wisconsin Democrats when he had his campaign staff send out pictures of Helen Thomas wearing a Sandra Fluke mask while adorned in a thong, which he was sure would buck up the troops.  Instead, the potus campaign staff did spend hours immediately afterward at a local trauma center, having eye and brain scrubs.

"My campaign is as fine as the private sector", Soetero initially said in a press briefing, which he later had to retract after all of his campaign staff was spotted at the local trauma center, suffering from PTPD (Post Traumatic Poster Disorder).

"Che Guevera would have been a better choice", potus muttered more audibly than he intended as he stalked from the interview.

Seymour was so impressed, he got another 'thumbs up' hernia.

"Did NOT!!!"

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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Editing Helps...Some

Campaign 2012 is well underway, and we had to expect it:  an article that ran in a once-prestigious NYC newspaper, as well as online, concludes that...get ready for it....are you ready for it...we're racist.


Leave it to an alleged researcher affiliated to and/or with Harvard, to make such a conclusion.

And how did this Harvardian researcher of dubious conclusionality come to this result?  By way of studying online searches.

Well, my pet rock -- Seymour -- was not in agreement with the article, so he wanted to write a deconstruction of it.

Unfortunately, all Seymour knows about deconstruction is usually smashing himself against something less hard than he is.

So Seymour asked if I could 'edit' the article in the same way as I 'edit' email scammer emails.

Yeah, I could do that:

When it Comes to Creamed Peas, Are We More Racist Than Manatees?
By Lylah Lowlabridgeida, Senior Editor and Coffee Maker for YaMOOO
 People are usually reluctant to admit their real feelings in surveys, but there's no doubt that our experiences and our prejudices play a part in the way we choose our pets, spouses, cars and couch throw pillows. In order to figure out whether vegetable bias affected Obama's results in the 2008 presidential election, Billy Bob Achmed Van Davidowitz, a doctoral candidate in cranial proctology at Harvard University, made up easy-to-manipulate surveys and added in data from other non-sequitur sources, all lumped under: online searches for goat enemas.

Unrelated: My 3-year-old has creamed pea issues. Where did she learn to spit that stuff across the room with the accuracy of an old timer zeroing in on a barroom spittoon?

When most people are searching for information online, they're likely to be alone and less likely to censor their audible and silent-but-deadly flatulence, he explains. "You may have typed things into Google that you would hesitate to say to a meth-stoked mosh pit company," he writes "I certainly have. The majority of Americans have as well: We Google the word 'porn' more often than the word 'orgasmicmegalomeatball'."

He chose a common baby food that starts with "C" and looked for searches that used the singular and plural forms of the word. "The most common searches including the epithet… return websites with derogatory material about creamed baby food".  "The top hits for the top vegetabally charged searches are nearly all textbook examples of antilocution, a majority group's sharing stereotype-based jokes using coarse language outside a food group's presence," in an obvious nod to veggie libel laws passed in a bygone error.

That held true for searches from 2004 through 2007 (searches for "creamed beets" led mostly to obscene lyrics, which he included for this study). "I used data from 2004 to 2007 because I wanted a measure not directly influenced by feelings toward Barney the Purple Dinosaur," he writes in the New York Daily Bloviation.

But from 2008 on, he discovered, "Obama" was one of the most prevalent search terms next to "split pea soup projectile vomiting" in veganesque tinged online searches.

Unrelated: Obama’s taste for dachsunds suggests he won’t get the Oscar Mayer vote in ‘12.

After gathering information on the veganesque charged search queries, Achmed Van Davidowitz took a look at voting data from around Democrat-controlled cemeteries, comparing each area's 2008 results, to voting results from 2004, when creamed carrots were not being mentioned out of courtesy to the agricultural industry.

Though many people believe that space aliens have big eyes and small penises, Achmed Van Davidowitz's research shows that those beliefs are not analogous to the eating of dachsunds or 3 year olds being able to spit creamed peas with the accuracy of a 19th Century barroom spittooner. "In the general election, this effect will make Ed Schultz shoot himself in the head with his finger again," he concludes.  But in areas with high Republican registration, the fact that Obama is a douchenozzle worked against him, sometimes significantly.

"The results imply that, relative to the most pea-tolerant areas in the United States, prejudice against creamed vegetables cost Del Monte between 3.1 and 5.0 percent sales against McDonald’s hamburgers," Achmed Van Davidowitz points out in his study. "This implies veggie animus, and I never even defined what kind of animus it was, whether it was a mammalmus, reptilemus, bovinemus, marsupialmus, or an anonymus or not."

"Any votes Obama gained due to dead and consumed dachsunds voting with ACORN help in the general election were not nearly enough to outweigh more conservative manatees in Florida, who unanimously voted on a ban of  Rosie O’Donnell entering the waters where manatees thrive," he adds.

The state with the highest creamed pea search rate was West Virginia, where a lotta folks chose Keith Judd, an avowed hater of creamed peas, currently in reduced freedom living arrangements in Texas,
over Obama just this May. Louisiana, Pennsylvania, Mississippi, Kentucky, Michigan, Ohio, South Carolina, Alabama, and New Jersey rounded out the top 10 most-creamed pea-hating areas, according to the search queries used.

Even in states that are considered fairly liberal and thereby screwed up, creamed peaism is prevalent enough in certain areas to put the entire state high up on the vegan-unfriendly list. "Other areas with high percentages included western Pennsylvania, eastern Ohio, upstate New York and southern Mississippi," Achmed Van Davidowitz points out in his New York Daily Bloviation article.

The 10 states with the fewest creamed pea-averse searches were Califorlornia, Hawaii, Jefferson, New Mecca, Flukedaho, Washington DC, Mightysota, Oregano, Hannah Montana, and Wyoming, which surprised even those of us who had no idea that Wyoming cared about anything other than cowboys, sheep and velcro gloves.

What does this mean for this year's contest? "Any references by the Obama campaign to creamed peas, racism or being the first marxist since Groucho, lowers the probability of a candidate's winning the popular vote in cemeteries where valid IDs are required to register and vote, which lowers fraud and zombies eating voters by 100%," Achmed Van Davidowitz explains. "Creamed pea averseness by 3 year olds could cost Mr. Obama crucial states like Chaos, Denial and Floatyourboatery."

Copiedwrong © 2012 YaMOOO

After reading my labors, Seymour gave me two thumbs up.  I should have taken pictures, since he got a hernia doing it.

"Did NOT!!!"

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Sunday, June 10, 2012


A local radio show host always wants his callers and interviewees to tell where they sit, before they tell where they stand.

I'm an American.  I'm a guy.  I love football.  No, not what Europe and the Middle East call 'football', aka, soccer.  I love football.  NFL.  NCAA.  High school.  I'd watch peewee football if I had a kid playing it.  I'd watch reruns of seasons-past highlights if I had cable.

So when I get a scam letter that is attempting to use a sport that's practically a diety to me -- as a lever to suck me into getting screwed over -- it fires up my ire.

Of course, the schmucks used the term 'football' when in actuality, they're talking about that other game that vuvuzelas forever nightmared in South Africa in '10.  Still...they're trying to sucker punch my wallet by sullying the word 'football'.

This will NOT stand.

Here is the heathen, cretin-ish gambit as I received it:

Head offices: Link places Stanford
Sussex BN 7DX, London.

This is a program from Chelsea Football club London, a program to reward all Chelsea fans worldwide because of their immerse support for the club in this past few years that resulted to them winning the just concluded UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAUGUE. We source through the Internet fan club email list and conducted a draw from all e-mails register in our fan club list and
your email emerge as one of the lucky winner to be awarded the sum of FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS ( £500.000.00 ). We hope that this notice send to you via the Internet will get to you on time to claim your winnings from our authorized agent in the United Kingdom zone.

All winnings must be claimed within the specific time and you must contact your Agent in your zone in United Kingdom via the email address given to you which will enable you claim your winnings immediately.

Note that we prohibit any deduction from your claims by our agent, if you notice any deduction from your winnings do report your agent to us immediately.You are to contact your agent via his details i shall provide
you below:

Also ensure you provide him with your details as stated below:
1. Full Name:
2. Contact Address:
3. Direct Telephone Number:
4. Age:
5. Sex:
6. Marital Status:
7. Occupation:
8. Nationality:

Once again congratulations for your winnings.
Paul Derek.
Program Coordinator.
Chelsea Football Club London.

Grrrrrrrrrr.  In the immortal woids of Bugs Bunny, "Of COURSE you know, this means WAR...".  And it starts now:

Sent: Tuesday, May 22, 2012 6:38 AM

Head-Up-Our-Bloomin'-Arses offices: Link places Stanford
Suxsex BN 7DX, London.

Kin We 'Ave Yer Bloody Attention, Ye bleedin' wankers:
This is a program from Chelsea Fan Riot club London, a program to reward all idiot soccer fans what riot and act like those colonial Occutards across the Pond and elsewhere, because of their immense stupidity in trashing our bloody f**king stadium every bloody time we win or lose a bloomin' game there.
It's gonna take us a bloody cocked up two years to rebuild the bloody facility after we won the bleedin' UEFA CHAMPIONS REPLICA HAGGIS Trophy.  Which means that next season, we'll have to play all our bloody games at that whacking great dive of a facility, Manchester.  CRIKEY!!!
The damage you ruddy idiots caused with your bloody cock-up of a "we WON" riot will cost FIVE
MILLION POUNDS ( £ ).  Do you bloody wankers realize how many of your bumf**k bums we'll have to get in paying seats to make that up?  And what the flying wog would you have done had we bloody well LOST???

Bloody idjits.  At least you left those plastic horns from Hell, vuvuzelas, back in your flops.
All damages must be paid for within the specific time and you must contact your Agent in your zone in United Kingdom via the email address given to you which will enable you to be told what your bloody share of the costs are, and how to bloody well pay them, immediately.

Note that we prohibit any debate or argument here; if you bought tickets even ONCE,
you bloody well have a share in the re-bloody-pair of our facility.
You are to contact your agent via his details I shall provide you below:


Also ensure you provide him with your perverted details as stated below:
1. Full Name:
2. Contact Address:
3. Direct Telephone Number:
4. Age When You First Had Sex With A Vuvuzela:
5. Last Time You Had Sex With Other Than A Vuvuzela:
6. Marital Status Once You Began Molesting Vuvuzelas:
7. Occupation Once You Began Perverted Sex Acts With A Vuvuzela:
8. Nationality After Your Country Of Origin Disowned You For Fornicating Vuvuzelas:

Once again, you bloomin' f**kin' wankers, congratulations for wrecking our
sports facility,
Cock Lips.

Paul Derelict
Programmed To Sniff Goat Vaginas Thru A Vuvuzela,
Chelsea Fan Riot Club London
I had hoped to draw out the heretical antagonists.  But and alas, they had no answer for my re-creation of their own nonsense.

Not even one protestive vuvuzela toot.

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Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Future, Composted Today

A recent 'future-looking' article in Yahoo News caused me to give the scammers another brief break from my abusing them, so I could abuse this story.

The original story was about the eventual cosmic "collision" between our galaxy and the Andromeda galaxy that's definitely coming to a world like ours.

In about 4 billion years or so.


I coulda told Yahoo News that we have more and pressing 'immediate threats' in the Mayan Calendar, but I digress.

Instead, I had a little fun with the article:

Note from the original authors: We have no idea what the hell happened here. We were trying to discuss something billyuns and billyuns of years from now...

 Note from the re-editor: We know that, that’s why we’re hijacking this story for our own ends, and not those billyuns and billyuns of years from now...neener neener boo phfffft....

Four billion years from now, the Milky Way galaxy as we know it will no longer be a part of our conscious memories, because we – all of us h’yah today – will be dead. This is bad crap, folks, and we need to start planning for it NOW:The Milky Way Brand candy bars are bound for the junk heap, because Michael Bloomberg wants to outlaw all sugar everywhere. What a schmuck.
Be that as it may, there was something totally immaterial about the alleged fact that our similarly-named galaxy is bound for a head-on collision with the similar-sized Andromeda galaxy, researchers with apparently nothing better to do than try to scare us with s**t so far into the freaking future that it ain’t even been parodied on Science Fiction Theatre 3000 yet, announced today (May 31).

At which time, these bored researchers speculate, the huge galactic smashup will create an entirely new cosmic stew of dubious asteroidalcedence with lots of random chunks that will do all sorts of astrostuff in spacial and celestial ways we can only guess about, ‘cuz we’ll all be dead long before this s**t happens.

"Long have we studied and speculated on the probabilities, causations and likely scenarios that would contribute to the inevitable cancellation of Super Bowl Four Billion Fifty" Rowan van Martin, of the Space Flatulence As Speculative Junk Science Institute in Baltimore, told reporters today. "However, what makes the future merger of the Andromeda galaxy and the Milky Way so special is that Berkshire-Hathaway and Facebook will have not one thing to do with the initial IPO that goes with it".

 Astronomers have long known that the Milky Way and Andromeda -- which is also known as a huge crapload of orbiting and elliptically pulsating stuff of all sorts of origins we’ve seed in science class, when not trying to look up Mary Lou’s short skirt – are barrelling toward one another at a speed of about 250,000 mph (aka, pretty f**king fast). They have also long suspected that the two galaxies may slam into each other in something not unlike one of the many ways that the creators of South Park are constantly destroying their town, only to have it reconstituted the next week, as if nothing happened the previous one.

However, such discussions of the future galactic crash have always remained somewhat speculative, because scientists here have been spending more time trying to figure out how to make flatulence experiments become research projects to get stimulus money out of Nobama’s stash — a key component in keeping from having to get real jobs.

And that remains the case for as long as it can be managed.

Rowan van Martin and his colleagues on Laugh In (shown on YouTube) used some kind of deep space peeping device  to repeatedly observe select windows of a nearby girl’s dormitory over a seven-year period until caught when submitting excerpts for a Girls Gone Wild In The Cosmos video. They were able to s**t some ridiculous excuse quick to local authorities -- about speculative measurements of a possible galactic collision in four billion years, along with an offer of Krispy Kreme donuts -- to keep from being shut down.

"The Andromeda mean galaxy, is gyrating straight in our direction," Rowan van Martin said. "You can bet your bippy on that!", a comment leaving millions of college students scrambling to research 1960s slang.

The galaxies will collide, and it will be George Dubya Bush’s fault, because the Nobama Campaign will have left that message in a time capsule that they are directing be dug up from wherever they buried the truth about global warming, four billion years from now".

Rowan van Martin is such a hoot.

By the time that merger has run its course, Rowan van Martin added – about 6 billion years from now – "we’ll all still be dead, so it’s important we hear about s**t that no one’s really totally sure about, because we hate to miss out on s**t like that".

Such a dramatic event has never occurred in the long history of our Milky Way, which libtards in this particular scenario also blame on Bush, Reagan, Bush, Ford, Nixon, and Sue Ellen Brown, who always wore slacks to science class instead of a short skirt, ruining Rowan van Martin’s fun.

"The Milky Way has had, probably, quite a lot of competitors in the candy world," said Rosemary Wyseass of John ‘N Hopkins 300 Tofu Flavors in Baltimore, who was not affiliated with the new study. "But this...uh...did I just have a blonde moment?"

The look on the faces of Rowan van Martin & Company suggests she did.

The merger poses no real danger of destroying Earth, any more than dinosaur farts did, researchers said. The stretches of empty space separating the ears of vacuous thinkers like Joy Behar and Bill Maher will remain vast, making any intelligent comments unlikely.

However, our solar system will likely get booted out to a different position in the new galaxy, which none of us today will have to worry about, because "we’ll all have been deader than cans of corned beef long before this happens", researchers with some degree of certainty, speculate.

A new something-er-other

 What will all this mean for any humanoids still extant around 3.75 billion years from now?

Probably a whole new series of stupid "reality" TV programming, such as Dancing With The Stars: The Black Holes Competition, and other such prime time crap. Which a future judge on such a show – some test tube antecedenced version of Simon Cowell, no doubt – will say, then as now, "that was bloody awful, and the biggest suck performance I have ever seen", sending a black hole in tears back to the cosmic projects.

And for the next few billion years after that, we’ll all still be dead, but what passes for stargazers then will be spellbound by trying to figure out why anyone bothered to think Ben Affleck could act in Pearl Harbor.

Finally, by about 7 billion years from now, we’ll still all be dead, and none of this will mean light speed douchenozzles to us.

"In the end, it’s really all about anything we can come up with today, to get us tax payer money tomorrow, so we don’t have to go on welfare next week" said John Gruns van der Pluminfeld, associate director of bar supplies at the NASA Science Mission Directorate Pub ‘n Lounge, and a former cocktail waitress there widely known as Gloria Fluffy Allred.

"It's like, wow, you know, so dude, so totally f**king cosmic, you know" Gruns van der Pluminfeld gigglingly added, lapsing into his former identity when he forgets his hormone shots, "We like, you know, so totally say, like wow, dude, it’s the bomb to think about this s**t and say, it’s so totally rad, my beeyotch! Like wow, where was I going with this?"

I’ll bet you’re all wondering that, too... ;-)

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Monday, June 4, 2012

70 Years Ago

70 years ago today began the end of what the Doolittle Raiders began on April 18, 1942 -- the change in history in the early stages of World War II.

For after the Doolittle Raid, Japanese strategy changed.  Until then, the strike on Hawaii had been meant to cripple the US Pacific Fleet, and prevent them from interfering with Japanese plans for the conquest of the Philippines and other points in the South Pacific.

After the raid, Japanese plans began to include a possible invasion of Australia, the taking of Midway Island, and an eventual invasion of Hawaii.

Whether or not the Japanese could have pulled it off became academic, when US intelligence broke the Japanese secret code.  And through that means, the Americans leaarned of the next moves the Japanese had in mind.

It allowed the new commander of the US Pacific Fleet -- Admiral Chester Nimitz -- to understand the Japanese plan, and marshal his remaining available forces to meet the Japanese where they planned their main thrust:  Midway.

Something the Japanese did not expect, what with their diversionary plans for action in the Aleutians.

The main Japanese strike force again centered on thier carriers, less two of those that had attacked Pearl Harbor (the Shokaku and Zuikaku had been damaged in the earlier Battle of the Coral Sea, and could not participate).  However, the Japanese considered it more than enough, believing that the Americans had lost two of their four remaining carriers in that battle (the Lexington and the Yorktown).  Plus, as backup to the carrier force, the Japanese had the new super battleship Yamato, weighing in at over 70,000 tons and mounting the largest sea-going guns in the world.

But Nimitz -- having learned from his naval codebreakers the plans and force deployment of the Japanese -- was able to mass his forces accordingly, in contradiction to Japanese expectations.  And he was able to have the Yorktown -- damaged, not sunk in the Coral Sea battle -- repaired in time to join the Hornet and Enterprise, northeast of Midway, in time to spring the ambush.

Midway itself was reinforced and made ready.

When Japanese carrier planes struck Midway on June 4, they caused extensive damage to the island's defenses, but not to its airstrip.  Marine and US Army Air Corps  fighters and bombers rose to defend the island, and launch ineffective attacks against the Japanese naval strike force, giving Nimitz time to bring his carriers into position.

The first US carrier planes to find the Japanese fleet were old Douglass Devastator torpedo bombers, obsolete but resolute.  Torpedo Squadron 8 from the USS Hornet led the attack, losing 15 of their 16 planes.  Other torpedo squadrons would fare as badly, scoring no hits, but bringing Japanese fighter cover down to defend against the low-flying torpedo planes.

Confusion on the part of the Japanese led them to prepare their planes after their first raid on Midway, for a second raid on the island; during which time, one of their belatedly launched scout planes located a US carrier to the northeast, causing a change in plans and the hasty rearming of their planes for an attack against that carrier.

And it was then -- in a battle that luck counted as much as advanced warning -- that squadrons of dive bombers from the American carriers, almost at the end of their fuel for an attack, found and mauled the ill-prepared, vulnerable Japanese carrier force, sinking 3 of their 4 carriers.  Japanese planes meantime found and crippled the Yorktown; but planes from that carrier, along with bombers from the other two, found and sank the last Japanese carrier of their strike force.

With the loss of all four of the carriers from the main Japanese strike force, Admiral Yamamoto reluctantly turned back and abandoned his planned invasion of Midway.  And with that, the high water mark of Japanese success in the Pacific War had been reached.

It cost many American lives, and the loss of the Yorktown, along with two other ships; but it crippled the Japanese carrier forces, derailed their overreaching long range strategy that had been fatally deemed necessary after the Doolittle Raid, and it spelled the beginning of the end for the Japanese plans for conquest and domination in the Pacific.

Remembered this day, 70 years later.


Friday, June 1, 2012

Guess They DON'T Do Donuts -- Part II

Dang.  I was half-hoping that my suggestive email as Jack N. Ewehoff would have drawd a reply from the scammers from the international police/drug-using reverends/Nigerian dentists.

But, it didn't.  So I moved onto Plan B:  after writing to the actual organization that the scammers used -- and learning that the organization was aware of the scam and was urging me not to communicate with the schmucks -- I decided to exercise some creative license with their original email from Part I, and make some changes that I thought made sense, all things considered.

It will now be up to you, the readers, to decide if my idea of making-sense changes did, in fact, make any sense whatsoever.

Without further ado:

Sent: Tuesday, March 27, 2012 11:13 PM

Region No. 2 New York City
P.O. Box 804 Wet-My-Knickers Station
New York City, New -York 10002-0804 U.S.A.
The office of the international assorted associations (I.A.A), in loose association with the Nigerian drug enforcement reverends association (NDERE), and even looser association with the Nigerian Dental Practicers Association (NDPA), hereby write to inform you that we caught a person of dubious antecedence in the guise of a diplomat of dubious diplocedence at  John F**king Kerry Heinz Ketchup Airport here in Boston with parcel box filed with united state dollars.   What first caught our eye was how they were filed, under 'Washed' and 'Not Yet'.  More on that later.
Meanwhile, based on our interview to the diplocedent (Mr. Festus Custis MyFavorite Martians) he said that the parcel box belongs to you or a intricately-carved facsimile that looks like you.  He claims he was sent by REV.Terry Hawkins  of the never-extant Nigerian Money & Banana Laundry (delivery Mon-Fri; see our Yellow Pages ad for discount coupons) to deliver the parcel box to your doorstep, not knowing that your doorstep couldn't sign for the f**king thing.  If we release him to come your way, kindly post a big-ass sign that clarifies that for him, okay?
Where were we?  Oh...he also claimed that he didn't know the content of the parcel box is money, bananas, and at least one stow-away monkey that's been eating the bananas and crapping all over the money. The diplocedent also said that his first transit in the states was at Cincinnati Northern Kentucky International Airport Ohio, which told us that he is very directionally challenged, since we gotz him here in Boston, because he doesn't tawk like us h'yar.
Now, the diplocedent is under detention in the office of (I.A.A) security -- a locked room with a cot, bed pan, and has MSNBC piped in 24/7, backward, so as to listen for demonic content which is usually understood forward --  and we cannot release him until he can successfully give us the countersign he was supposed to have been given by a rogue Iranian agent named Osama bin Sunken. 
Plus, we carry out our proper investigation on how this huge amount of crapped-on money and banana mash managed to be yours before we will release him with the boxes. Which needs to be soon, 'cuz we think the monkey inside has dysentery, and it's getting abominally ripe.
So, in this regard, you are to assure and prove to us that:
1.  The monkey in the box is not your uncle;
2.  You have an OSHA-approved plan to deal with the dysentery on the money and bananas therein;
3.  You have never appeared on Farting With The Stars (a show that ABC recently re-un-cancelled since they didn't know NBC snuck it into their prime time Friday night line up);
4.  You are of moral turpitude, and/or at least know someone who might be with training and implants;
 5.  That a portion of the money you are about to receive is immediately given to the Barry Soetero Hussein Nobama Legal Defense Fund, to keep his real background hidden from pesky truth seekers.
If you don't do that, the diplocedent will be subjected to repeated belly flops on him from Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne Barr.  Waterboarding?  We knowz what torture truly is.  Ha.
Oh..and we need you to send us the  Ownership Certificate showing that the money is not illegal.  Good luck on that one.
Note that the Residential Certificate/Proof Of Ownership Certificate was carefully crafted during a crystal meth party in the office of the Senate president in Nigeria, because that is the only office that had a color copier anyone could figure out how to operate, once the whole gaggle of morons was strung out on meth.
You are advised to forward immediately the Certificate if you have it with you, but if you do not have it, we will urge you as a matter of urgency to contact back the sender of the diplocedent to help you secure the Certificate if at all you did not have it.
We hopes you understood that last paragraph.  None of us does.
Below is the contact information of the person we claim that sent the diplocedent.  Furnish the lazy fat f**k with your Telephone, Full Names -- any and all that you use -- and Residential Address.
Name: REV.Terry Hawkins
Furthermore, we are giving you only 500 working business days to forward the requested Certificate. We'd give you more, but what the f**k:  we can't keep this bogus email address forever. 
Please note that we shall get back to you after the 500 working business days if you didn’t come up with the certificate, and we will give you another 500 -- ignore what we just wrote, since we did -- in case you're somehow stupid enough to suddenly buy into this sh**.
If still after that you won't do this as we want it done, we will:
1.  Spank the monkey
2.  Force the diplocedent to have sex with Helen Thomas
3.  Confiscate your favorite hobby
4.  Register you as a Democrat
5.  Tell the New York Times that you're the reason Sandra Fluke needs birth control, AND
6.  We shall confiscate all of your worldly possessions into World Bank account then charge you for money laundry by the piece.
Oh yes...the UN says we can do that.
But if you forward the Certificate then we will release the diplocedent with your rapidly-fouling parcel box. Also note that we are doing this to make sure that any huge amount of monkey crapped-on money like yours that enters United States is in the form of West African francs.
We don't regret any inconveniences or confusion that this might have caused you. 
Yours Insincerely,
DOCTOR DOUGLAS H. KING DDS, with a BS in proctology
Sadly, the originating scammer DID respond to my rewrite. But he/she/it was left speechless, or couldn't read it, because it consisted only of my rewrite, with no accompanying response on his/her/their part.

I did ask them if it'd be of any help if I threw in a dozen donuts.

To date, no reply has been received.That, in and of itself, confirmed for me if nothing else already had, that there's no way they're related to cops ;-)

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