Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
How Not To Playensee Vell Mid Others
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
419 Scams: The Frop Side
In the words of a former coworker, sometimes I'm just too cheeky. Not all scammers are as boneheaded as the average ones I engage.
Here's a scam letter I received in the midst of my run with Mary Walker et al:
FROM THE DESK OF MR. JAMES O. OBI:
CITIBANK GROUP OF LAGOS
2 MARINA STREET LAGOS, NIGERIA
DEAR: BEFORE I START, I MUST FIRST APOLOGIZE FOR THIS UNSOLICITED MAIL TO YOU.I AM AWARE THAT THIS IS CERTANLY AN UNCONVENTIONAL APPROACH TO STARTING A RELATIONSHIP, BUT AS TIME GOES ON YOU WILL REALIZE THE NEED FOR MY ACTION (trust me, bucko, I realize the need for your action right off...but I digress).
MY NAME IS MR. JAME O. OBI, ONE OF THE BRANCH MANAGER OF NILL BANK NIGERIA PLC. TO MRS. JOAN MELISSA, A CITIZEN OF YOUR COUNTRY, WHO WORKED WITH AN OIL COMPANY IN NIGERIA, HEREINAFTER REFERRED AS TO MY CLIENT. ON THE 21ST OF APRIL 2001, MY CLIENT AND HER FOUR CHILDREN WERE INVOLVED IN GHASTLY MOTOR ACCIDENT ALONG SAGAMU EXPRESS ROAD (they collided with a motor?).
MY CLIENT AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY WERE MOST UNFORTUNATE IN LOST OF THEIR LIVES. SINCE THEN I HAVE MADE SERVERAL ENQUIRIES TO YOUR EMBASSY TO LOCATE ANY OF MY CLIENTS EXTENDED RELATIVES (sounds like they might have been extended all over the highway...yuck). MY EFFORTS PROVED ABORTIVE AFTER UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS (I believe you said that, Dr.).
MY MAIN REASON FOR CONTACTING YOU IS TO ASK YOU ASSIST ME IN REPATRIATING THE MONEY AND PROPERTY LEFT BEHIND BY MY CLIENT BEFORE THEY ARE CONFISCATED BY MY BANK WHERE THEY ARE DEPOSITED, WHERE THE DESEASED HAS A FIXED SUM OF USD$18M. THE ENTIRE MANAGEMENT OF MY BANK HAS ISSUED ME A FINAL NOTICE TO PROVIDE THE NEXT OF KIN OF MY CLIENT OR THEY WILL BE LEFT WITH NO OTHER CHOICE THAN CONFISCATE HER FUNDS.
I AM UNSUCCESSFUL THE PAST TWO YEARS, NOW I SEEK YOUR CONSENT TO PRESENT YOU AS THE NEXT OF KIN OF MY CLIENT SO THAT THE SAID FUNDS AS STATED ABOVE CAN BE PAID TO YOU INSTEAD OF THE BANK SEIZURE.
NOW THIS IS BEETWING (it's what?) YOU ME AND OUT OF MY GOOD MIND I AM GIVING YOU 30% OF THE TOTAL SUM, AND I KEEP 55%. THE OTHER 15% IS FOR EXPENSES THAT ARISE DURING TRANSACTION.
ALL THE NECESSARY LEGAL DOCUMENTS NEED FOR THIS CLAIM ARE UNDER MY CARE (that's comforting), ALL I REQUIRE IS YOUR HONEST COOPERATION TO ENABLE US SEE THIS ARRANGEMENT THROUGH I GUARANTEE THAT THIS WILL BE EXECUTED UNDER LEGITIMATE ARRANGEMENT THAT WILL PROTECT YOU AND ME FROM ANY BREACH OF THE LAW.DO REPLY ME VIA THIS EMAIL ADDRESS WHIT THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION:
1. YOUR FULL NAME AND CONTACT ADDRESS
2. YOUR PERSONAL PHONE AND FAX NUMBER
ONCE YOU INDICATE YOUR INTREST IN THIS BUSINESS I WILL SEND YOU A COPY OF MY INTERNAL PASSPORT (just what I need, a copy of the papers that allow his bowels to pass stuff through...) AND A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY OF MY HUMBLE SELF THAT YOU MAY KNOW WHOM YOU ARE DEALINGN WHIT, WIATING TO HERE FROM YOU.
Not having used the guise I 'borrowed' from another 419 scammer for a spell -- Masato Chan, Esq., complete with photo ID and passport -- I decided it was time to don my worst Peter-Sellers-as-Inspector-Sidney-Wang imitation, and give it a go:
Dear Obi-san Ken not him:
I have honor to be Mr. Masato Chan, Esquire, a Chinese citizen currentry working in Itary on exchange program. I find your emair in my work inbox. After I read, I remove it from box since you say strict confidentiarity most necessary. I find most interesting your offer to give me business. But, I must return to China in a few months; untir then, I rearn from capitarists some of usefur art of prumbing business here in Itary, that I can take home for use in my home town of Fukyoon-duk.
I have no home phone; I stay in boarding house arranged by my emproyer. But if you need get reach of me, you phone me at work: 39 0364 880 447. There is fax number there arso, but it work fax, and I no can promise confidentiarity if you send fax.
Prease to ret me know what you need from me, Obi-san, and I assist you best I can so make it possibre to accomprish your business effort to me. When you send me your passport as proof of dubious antecedence, I send you mine in token of good faith, as I know you give me good business, yes?
I am most preased you seek to most wirringry to take of me most honorabre advantage, Obi-san.
I await your forrow-up.
Masato Chan, Esq.
(then came the business header I borrowed from a plumbing supply place listed in a town in Italy):
Rega Zeti Plumbing Suppliers
"Rigitoni Amour Abondanza Fungula!"
I think a loose English translation of that last is "pasta loves to be abundantly f...er..screwed".
Sadry, no repry...reply came back. Too bad, too: on this one, I might have been tempted to have actual speaks with Obi-san on a phone; I actually do a fair Inspector Wang imitation, comprete with my old high schoor Engrish teacher in background, doing her best to imitate character Lionel Twain (Truman Capote in the movie) screaming "SAY YOUR GODDAMN PRONOUNS!".
I drove my Spanish teacher nuts, too. Boneless nachos.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Well, maybe some naysayers and doomsday fatalists are suggesting there's one, but phfffft on them. I got credit.
And I didn't even have to look for it. It came to me.
In an email. How easy can it get?
With the title Apply NOW! here is my email proof that the credit market is alive and vibrant:
Arrangments to Borrow up to $50,000,000* Flexible loan terms and conditions* Interest rates as low as 3%* Choose between 1 to 35 years repayment period requirement*
There then followed a loan application that required as little as name, amount needed, loan duration, monthly income, purpose of loan, residential address, country of resident, age, marital status, nationality, home phone, cell phone, and whether or not into sex with bovines.
Okay, so it didn't really ask that last question, but I did neglect to read the fine print for confirmation on that point.
At any rate, there it is. So simple. So direct. So much money to lend, so little interest to require. And the company of this credit largess? Global Springer Link Finance Investments. My benefactor: Mr. Mike Spencer.
I am soooooo blessed to have so many wonderful persons of the (Third) world wish to give me the business (a little 'Net research on the company revealed a treasure trove of duped and near-duped persons).
So I responded, in typical Jack N. Ewehoff fashion, with all the required information that is as real as this offer. You'll imagine my genuine surprise and enthusiasm, when I saw how easily I was accepted for a loan:
Applicant: YOU HAVE BEEN ACCEPTED! Here is your acceptance information:
Loan Balance: $250,000
Adjusted Loan Balance: $250,000
Loan Interest Rate: 3.00%
Loan Fees: 0.00%
Loan Term: 20 years
Minimum Payment: $0.00
Monthly Loan Payment: $1,386.49
Number of Payments: 241
Cumulative Payments: $332,758.91
Total Interest Paid: $82,758.91
Note: the monthly loan payment was calculated at 240 payments of 1,386.49 plus a final payment of $1.31
NOTE: If the above information is not understandable or satisfactory to you, do write back for more detailed information as your satisfaction is our delight (LMAO). Finally, if the terms of service cannot be met by you, you can send us a letter of Disclaimer stating that you do not wish to continue the transaction. Will which to notify you that your mail containing the filled information was received by this department. In order to seal up the transaction our terms of service which are widely stated below must be agreed upon before any further step can be taken in this loan contract.
Terms And Conditions
(1) For security reasons, This Company has an Insurance Registration Cover (*TOING*) incase of future loss/death occurence by both parties. So the loan will be insured/registered under the stipulated law Before Transfer.
(2) The stated sum of money due for loaning must be paid back within a minimum period of (20 yrs).
(3) In the course of the loan term duration, a constant monthly payment will be paid for a period of (20 yrs) two months after the loan have been confirmed available to the beneficiary designated account.
(4) Late payment of monthys installments has a pentaly of 2% increase.
(5) The above Terms and condition should be accepted by your before we move on with the loan transfer.
Well, cricket crap...what's a feller to do with such terms and conditions? Why, email acceptance, of course:
I have read all conditions and requirements herein and herethroughout as applicant, and I am favorably disposed to the business you propose to subject me to as stated herein, herethroughout, and thus stipulated.
I have the honor to be, Jack N. Ewehoff
No application fees. No loan fees. No muss, no fuss. Freddie Mae and Fanny Mac, are you crooked, corrupt, bankrupt organizations, readin' this h'yar?
And within 12 hours of my sending the above affirmation to the fine folks at Global Springer Link Finance Investments, I received this eagerly anticipated *TOING* that addresses how there is a $600 insurance fee for the loan, and how the fee is equally split between (a) the lender and (b) the receiver. So, for a mere $300, I am getting a $250k loan at 3%, right?
Uh...well, not according to what Mr. Spencer writ: owing to this, you are expected to only pay the sum of $300 USD which is half of the insurance cover, while we shall cover the other half. Your loan request entitlement ($30,000USD) *lock up the brakes, screech the tires, skid off to the side, and WHOAAAA, MOHAMMAD!*
Mr. Spencer must be so busy, loaning out 1k to 50 Mil at interest rates of 3%, that he's confusing us loanees. But ol' Jack'll fix that:
Okay, I understand the insurance fee ploy and such. This I understand only too well. HOWSOMUCHEVER...you seem to have had a sudden catastrophic drop in the value of the dollars you is gonna loan me, 'cuz in the terms you sent me, I was receiving a 250k USD loan; and here, you shrunk the kids to only a 30k loan.
Was that there a typo, or did I just miss something really BIG and IMPO'TENT h'yar? I so crave indulgence.
My prompt inquiry was equally prompt to draw a corrective reply, without so much of a *WTF* at the tone of my inquiry:
Mr. Jack Ewehoff,
Thanks very much for your mail and thanks very much for looking very closely to the mail and found out that error and Iam sorry to inform you that it was a typogaphical error from our Typist in the office.
He goes on with four rather droll paragraphs of legal and fiscal-sounding gobbledygook, and then gets down to where I am to send the $300 USD and how:
You are to pay for the insurance cover (fees) through Western Union Money Tranfer in the coordinates of the below stated Receiving Insurance Officer:
25 Knapmill Road
London SE6 3TA UK
He concludes with his own 'address', listed as Canary Wharf, London E14 4DY.
Canary Wharf? Bloody hell 'n haggis!
Chuckling at the addresses, Jack made it sound like all was on cue:
I am pleased to have clarified the precipitious drop in the dollar, and have things back in sync. Don't cane the clerk in your office; I am sure she is just overworked from all the loan applications an operation like yours MUST be inundated with.
I will attend to the fee payment requirements and coordinates on Monday, August 16. By your reckoning, that will have the $250k cheque delivered unto me by weeks' end, God willing and the Atlantic don't rise. I look forward to getting the business from you, and I am sure you'll likewise.
We are soooo hitting it off here, I think the seeds of something that smells like kimshi is flourishing here:
Thanks very much for your mail and understanding, we advise you to get back to us with an exalt date from next week to make the payment. Once you make the payment of your own part of the payment to the insurance company your loan request entitlement will be ready for transfer into your nominated account with 48 hours of the conclusion of the insurance process.
Nominated bank account? I don't recollect nominating a bank account:
Mr. Suspenser, what "nominated bank account"? I haven't done that. I was thinking that you'd send me a certified cheque (I spelled it the Eurocentric way, so's there'd be no confusion). Clarify please.
Mr. Ewehoff, due to size of amounts of entitlements we dispense it is customary and required of law that we do not deal in certified cheques. If you have not nominated a designated account to receive this entitlement upon transfer, it is now that you will need to do this at once, to forestop any delay.
"Forestop any delay"???
Heaven and the Queen will have nothing to do with forestoppage. Let me send you the account I am now hereby nominating as the next bank account of Jack N. Ewehoff, to receive entitlements from your esteemed organization (and I resorted to an old one from an '07 scambait, the bank being the First Astral Savings And Loan, located in the Third Astral Plane, with interdimensional ATMs wherever angels fear and not to tread, and since they're winged, they don't have to in either case).
Then came Monday, August 16, 2010. Time for Western Union, Jack N. Ewehoff's style, with newly-made up receipt. But first, the 'bait':
Mr. Spencer for Hire, the insurance fee has been dispatched, just as you instructed. I shall eagerly anticipate the next 48 hours to receive my entitlement.
Kindly send to us a scanned copy of the payment slip given to you at the Western Union office for verifiable. Your prompt response is highly needed.
And my prompt response you shall highly have. Attached is the wu receipt as you so highly needed. I note they've changed the appearance of the receipt. I rather like it. What say you?
It took a few hours, but I will take this reply as a strong *thumbs down* on the newly-designed receipt:
this is no reel wu receet. u are not to contact us no more.
Dang, and I was so looking forward to renovating the pteryducktal coop.
Well, credit *used to* abound.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
So Nyerere Yet So Far -- Epilogue
After a couple days to stew about Masato's non-appearance in Johannesburg -- and Masato's belated and rather unique expranation for the whyfer -- George is understandably irritated. For convenience, I have separated his irritated reply, paragraph by paragraph, and replied to it accordingly, just as I sent it to him:
Message Header: Not Happy With You
Masato I am very disappointed in you for making me a stupid before my lawyer and the security company. How do you expected me to feel after all arrangement and preparation of concluding the transaction with you? Long awaiting hours at the airport for over 8 hours without your arrival?
I wourd agree, Mr. George: if I were you, I wourd feer stupid too. You wait 8 hour? That was stupid, Mr. George. If my fright show up and I not, I wourd have reft immediatery.
If you miss your flight, while didn't you make alternative arrangement to get another flight to Johannesburg? Or call me from the airport to inform me of your missed flight?
If you read my message crosery, you note I didn't make it to airport for fright. So why I carr you from airport I not at? Prease exprain.
At list from airport you company is no longer monitoring your way about or even write to me from the airport because I know you can find internet in the airport. How do you think I will buy this story of missing your flight and so fort?
Herro? Is this interrigent rife I am having speaks with? Didn't I just say I no at airport? Didn't my expranation say I no at airport? Herroooo? As for rest, I no ask you buy a story or a fort; where does fort come into this, prease? I simpry terr you what happened the way it happen. If you want to buy story, I can charge you reasonabre fee for it. That's business you in, right?
Anyway I discus your mail with my lawyer and he want discus with you in person. He is a busy man and don't have time to write to you so he request you send us any alternative phone number so he can have a serious discussion with you today. Call him with this number urgently +27 73 445 3553 Barrister Fred Williams, if you are serious and willing to be part of this transaction.
Ah, finarry, you name bannister. Fred Wirriams? Okay, I know of him from rast time.
Tell him when soon you will be here; also he complained that your passport has expired according to the date on it so how do you intend to travel with expired passport? Explain this?
Oh, that easy to exprain; I send you copy of wrong passport by mistake. I have varid passport. Rearry.
I wait your immediate response and bear it in mind that your flight disappointment nearly jeopardized my lifetime fortune.
(now it's time to lower the boom)
Oh hawgwarsh, George. You so furr of sh** on that point.
But it is time to tell it like it is, George-o: I am not Masato Chan. Masato Chan -- if he exists at all -- is an email scammer from Hong Kong, who tried to scam me back in 2002. He sent me a copy of his alleged passport, so I have occasion to use it when I'm contacted by someone like you and your cheeseball bannister Fred.
You see, George...I am really U. R. Phulovit. That's right...you know that name. You contacted me in June with this scam, and I made you, your bank, and your bannister look stupid then. A week after that wrapped up, you stupidly contacted me again on the same email address, and let me make you and that idiot Fred wait at the airport for five hours, holding a sign that said "U. R. Phulovit", never realizing what you were telling other passengers and employees at the airport. After that, you told me never to write to you again. So I wrote to you as Masato Chan the same day...and you took the bait like a sucker takes a doughball. Once, twice...three times a mugu, George.
George, you ARE stupid, so it shouldn't upset you that you were made to look as you appear to those around you on a regular basis. In fact, I bet that if I write to you again in a different guise, you'll try the same stupid scam on me yet again. And again, you'll wind up the public mugu. You really ARE that stupid.
Finally, George, it's not merely your bannister, your made-up security company, and those who already know the obvious that you look stupid in front of; anyone who reads my scambaiting blog has the opportunity to read about ALL THREE OF THESE SCAM ATTEMPTS OF YOURS, so anyone world-wide now knows you're a pathetic, second-rate scammer, and a really STUPID ONE at that. Congratulations on helping me to prove that not just once...not just twice...but thrice.
I rearry have fun at your expense, George. Maybe in next exercise I write as German? Bitte, Herr Nyerere, awpeterstain das dumpkopf!
Usually, that kind of retort draws either a short obscenity-laced response, or more usually, dead silence. But this time, George salutes his mocker:
Message Header: You are good
Thanks for making me a stupid. it makes the world goes round funny isn't it?
Yeah, George...what he said.
Monday, August 16, 2010
So Nyerere Yet So Far -- III
Resuming where we left off, I...er...Masato has let George and his unnamed lawyer off the hook on the racial issue. Now George responds to my questions about the airport and cash or cheque:
There is only one international airport in Johannesburg. To pick you up at the airport my laywer will make proper arrangements for that, since we have your passport, we will write your name on a billboard and display it on the arrival entrance were you can see your name written boldly on it (oh, how I wish Masato Chan had had a more imaginative name...).
Before you leave your country please write me what you will wear and the colours so we can more easily know you. Just look around for any billboard with your name when you leave the plane and we will be there waiting.
Please come with cash, it is easier and saves time.
So it does. And so I'll agree:
Okay, I bring onry cash, since this easier for you. I pran to wear suit that I wear in my passport photo, so I rook just rike photo in rear rife. I pretty prain rooking, actuariry. And I have fright information for you by this Thursday at the ratest.
I rook forward to meet you and your rawyer. You must know the good prans I have for my part of the fund you offer me. I have two rocar charities I pran to give generousry to, incruding my rocar house of geisha. They thank you in advance.
A couple days pass, and now it's Thursday, August 9, and time for Masato to make with an itinerary:
Frying to South Africa is most expensive! But for what I get for making trip I guess it worht the expense. Here is my itinerary:
Sunday August 12
Depart San Francisco on Derta Fright 414 to NYC JFK airport at 10:45pm
Monday August 13
Depart NYC JFK airport on South African Airways Fright 204 to Johannesburg at 5:30pm; after one stop, arrive Johannesburg on Tuesday, August 14, at 4:45pm
Itinerary say totar fright rast about 33 hours, and cost $9415 USD, round trip.
My return fright is on Thursday, August 16, aboard South African Airways Fright 207, reaving earry afternoon.
Because of amount of money I am to carry on prane, I am deciding to put money in my checked ruggage, so I not worry about rots of money having to exprain going through security in USA. So after I find your birrboard with my name, we go to ruggage pick up to correct my bag.
I rook forward to meeting you, Mr. George.
George decides that things are going so well -- aka, I'm such a gullible sot -- that he's going to spread the largess around amongst some of his 'friends':
Thanks for your update, I will be waiting to see you soon and will make a reservation today and have it ready for you.
I have a pastor friend who has been praying for me to have successful transaction (probably an atheist) with you and if you don't mind I will like you to buy him a gift like watch or a good hand set that I will give him to show appreciation. It is not a must, if you can't afford it, but would make nice appearance if you can.
Let's push my ruck a rittle here:
Your pasture needs a good hand set? What happened to his, prease? Oh, this is dreadfur. I have no idea how to buy him set of hands; if you do, I give you some money when I arrive and you buy him set. Make sure they fit. Is $500 enough?
George doesn't seem to notice what I wrote, only the amount of money I offered. And with that, he goes one more:
You are most generous, my pastor will appreciate it. If it is okay, my lawyer work very hard on this deal, so maybe you could buy a gift for him too? Or if it is easier, you could just give me the money and I will take care of it. But it is to be surprise, so please don't say to lawyer anything when you arrive.
I have having problems with hotel reservation at the airport; I may have to reserve you at hotel a couple miles away. I hope you will find this acceptable.
Yeah, right. Well, let's keep up the gullible a tad more:
As rong as it is crose to airport, I am okay with what you arrange.
Mr. George, I need gift for rawyer too? This get most expensive. However, I guess you right that he work hard on giving me business too. Since you know these peopre better, perhaps I just give you money and you buy gifts, especirry for pastor needing set of hands.
I have much to do now before I reave on prane Sunday. Any rast instructions?
George assures me all is now (in his mind) in order:
Thanks for your update. Nothing more to arrange for us until you arrive. Have a nice trip.
Now we fast forward to the evening (in my time zone, Mountain DST) of Tuesday, August 14. Masato was to have arrived in Johannesburg 12 hours ago by this time. I have no email awaiting me. So I decide to gently shove a stick in the hornets' nest with this:
What manner of prace is Johannesburg, prease?
It was most unpreasant situation. I board airprane and fry for hours and hours to NYC; I change prane, and fry for hours and hours to San Pauro, where I get off and get on prane, and fry to Johannesburg. Then I get off prane in Johannesburg. Or what I berieve was Johannesburg. But I no see your birrboard.
Ret me terr you what I see. Uh-huh (who recognizes a line from Sweet's Ballroom Blitz here?).
It was rike I had frown to Munchkinrand, and all the rittre munchkins were dressed in grass skirts, reather and race, with bones through their noses, carrying big shierds and doing voodoo and other rearry weird hip-hop dances, rike I see in San Francisco when kid try to take hubcap off moving car. It was rike omitted scene from Foot Roose or Happy Feet movie.
Then it get most unusuar.
In a corner near where sign say "Terminar", I see Rorrypop Guird munchkins doing unspeakabre things to wombats and pratypuses with their rorrypops. Dorothy and Toto too.
I turn to run away, and there was you -- or who I think was you -- bent over bench, being unspeakabried by duo of butch munchkinettes with their rorrypops. Ghastry.
Just then I start running for the door. I have to get back to the prane I reft before. Rerax said the nightman, we are programmed to receive...you can check out anytime you rike, but, you can never reave....gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Then I wake up. Wake up and rearize I miss my fright to NYC. I so sirry.
Maybe we courd reschedure again, prease? I even buy you gift this time, yes?
The reply I got wasn't necessarily priceless; but it's worthy of a Part IV...
Saturday, August 14, 2010
So Nyerere Yet So Far -- II
"Mr. George" as he seems to like to refer to himself now as, expresses his appreciation for my understanding and cooperation, as well as establishes a timetable in his reply:
Thanks for your response; it gives me great plreasure to know that you are willing to assit me to the best of your ability. However, I will want you to amke the trip by first week of August to enable me inform the security company on time for the delivery of the consignment on your arrival.
Secondly, I owe the security fee for some months to the company and as it stands I don't have enough money to cover this bill, so I need your help with some money to clear the debt on your arrival. I will refund you as soon as the security company delivers the money to us. Actually I have to go security company on Monday to check how much the bill is now and will let you know.
Please endeavor to send me your passport copy and telephone number your next reply. I look forward to your response soonest and make sure you send me your flight schedule on time.
So I decide to see just how strictry..strictly he wants me to adhere to his timetable:
The first week of August? I cannot possibry be ready to make trip so South Africa so quickry. I must make prans and get time from job first. Perhaps I can pran for by August 8, but I not know this yet.
How much money you need me bring prease? Is it arot? Prease inform me soonest how much I am needed to bring.
His need (aka, greed) for money is not as much as his bannister in the first go-around wanted, but it's more than on the second go-around, by a few thou:
I am sorry for my late reply, I am in Johannesburg South Africa and that is where you will come, I will pick you up at the OR Tambo International Airport formally Johannesburg airport. I have also informed my lawyer about your coming arrangement and request of how much you will be required to come with. From the claim the security company prints out for us the amount we owe is USD $12,600 for initial five months and the present month of August.
My lawyer requests for your phone number and a copy of your passport to be able to recognize you at the airport. He also wants your flight schedule ASAP. Please note that any amount you spend on this transaction will be refunded to you asoon as we pay this USD $12,600 debts to the security company and the consignment been released to us including your 25% offer.
Send me your phone number passport and flight schedule soonest, please.
I'll continue to ignore the telephone number request for now, and give him dribbles of what he wants:
Johannesburg? Okay, I ret you know what I find out about traver arrangement. $12,600 is a rot of money. I need time to raise amount your rawyer request. I do what I can. I attach my passport here; I ret you know traver and money situation soonest I can.
Now that George has my fauxpassport and (thinks he) knows what I rook rike, he's somewhat forgotten (for the moment) the insistence on my terephone number. But now based on my faux passport, he decides he'll be sending my percentage to China:
Thanks fo ryour good response; I will pray that God help you make a good arrangement as soon as possible. Sir plrese bear in mind that as soon you come here and the security company released the to you on your arrival I will refund you all the money you spend before we transfer the remaining money to your bank account in China.
I aim to "set him straight" on my geography:
Thank you for the most positive repry. However, my bank is not in China; I rive in San Francisco, Carifornia. Just so no mistake made with money, prease. I be in touch with traver itinerary when comprete.
George apparently has some kind of a brain lock at this point, and sends me the exact same message as heretofore; so I choose to further emphasize my fiscar geography:
Prease, I say to you my bank account NOT IN CHINA!!! I rive in USA, Carifornia now! Prease no send my money to CHINA! They confiscate it and I never see again!
This gets a correction from George:
Thanks, Sir, your instruction has been noted. However on arrival you will instruct where the money will go on your arrival.
Now that we have that straight, I decide to make sure I have clear what George wants:
I wish be crear on what to be done: I must fry to Johannesburg by no rater than Wednesday, August 8; I must bring USD $12,600 for various expenses rerated to fund transfer and documents; I must provide you or your attorney with my nominated bank account into which funds are to be arrocated. If this is correct, then I have much to do. I notify you rater today of what I arrange.
George affirms my understanding of the business he wishes to give me, and returns to his insistence on getting my phone number (which I was almost tempted to give him, so I could talk on the phone the way I'm writing this drivel):
You are right with the arrangement as you stated, I will be waiting for your update and please!! PLEASE!! send me your phone number my lawyer has been asking for it all this why to tolk to you and your flight schedule since you will be coming on Wednesday August 8.
So, let's drag it out some more, starting with a comprication or two:
I have comprications with arranging traver to Johannesburg; I no rearize how expensive it is untir I try to book trip (the flight I researched in business class was $9415!). I need a few days. I probabry can't make it there now before Monday, August 13. This I hope okay with you and your rawyer?
George, while still really REALLY wanting my phone number, is rather genial about my comprications and proposed change of traver dates:
How are you today? Thanks for the update and I have informed my lawyer and the security company of your postponed date. We have book another appointment with security company for August 13-14.
Please, it is really important you send me your phone number as my lawyer want to advise you and have a private discussion with you while we wait your flight schedule. He also curious about how you write your emails (somebody actually NOTICED?), but I am okay with this.
When you do this I will make a hotel reservation and send it to you prior to your feeback of new arrival date. I wait your response.
Liberals play the race card all the time; so let's see how a scammer feels about it:
I appreciate your frexibirity on changing schedure for my trip. This most herpfur and I have itinerary for you in a few days.
Prease exprain just what about my emairs your rawyer find curious? He not racist against persons of Asian descent, is he? This make me most angry if he is so. I no rike that. Prease exprain this.
Now, you keep asking for my phone number for your rawyer. George, at beginning you say to me need for confidentiarity. I rive in townhouse which I share with another coupre who emigrate from my country. They speak good enough Engrish that if I have speaks with you over phone, they most rikery hear. So I not think this good, based on your confidentiarity requirement. At same time, my computer emair is password protected, so they no can rook into my emair and know what I am doing.
So say to your racist rawyer that phone carr with me not good at this time.
I rish you go ahead and book me hoter near airport where we can meet when I arrive. It is rong fright from San Francisco, I think. I ret you know when I have it arranged, after you exprain your rawyer's comments.
And it works like a charm:
Thanks for your reply, and I wish to stress for my lawyer that he is not rasist against you, and is not making jest of how you write emails. He did wish to discuss certain matters with you by phone in advance you travel here, but he understands your situation now and will wait to speak with you in person. He and I offer apology for your offense.
Soon as I have your travel itinerary I will book you a hotel as close to the airport as I can get.
Political correctness even among scammers...who'd a thunk it? So I let them off the hook:
I am so grad to hear this about you and your rawyer. I am okay with this. Now answer me one thing prease, since I never visit before South Africa: is there onry one airport for Johannesburg? I rish not make wrong reservation. And I ask you assure me you meet me at airport, prease. And prease send me photo of you so I know what you rook rike when I arrive.
Arso, I need know if it better I bring money in cash or in cheques, prease? This is rot of cash to carry on prane, but what you prefer, prease?
Their preference and Part III of So Nyerere Yet So Far in the next installment ;-)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
So Nyerere Yet So Far
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
It's Not Just A Job...
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Mystery Shopping Miasma -- II
To quote a reader h'yar, *snerx*. As noted in the photo, that pot ain't all it's cracked up to be.
After some preliminary skirmishing, wherein my character plays the "how does this work? I don't understand" game, and Terry tries to hep my character understand, Terry gets down to exactly what is needed for Jack to do as a 'mystery shopper':
You will have to use your own money for the first shop, but you will be reimbursed double your initial payment *TOING* and after about 3 Mystery shopping you will be promoted as our permanent (dumb ass) staff and you may be a recuiting officer and get to recuit new members to mysery shop.
I am laughing my ass off here. And he continues:
you should proceeb with your Mystery Shopping asap and send $500 through Western Union to the following details below and access the services and take notes when require. Here are the details you need to mysery shop to at the nearest western union outlet closest to you.
Name: Amy Santiago
Address: 101 Westbourne Terrace Paddington, London W2 6JR
Get back to me with both the western union details that would be needed to have the money picked up *TOING* by another mystery shoper in the UK. and the notes taken down when being rendered serviced at the western union and the ttoal amount spent to send the money while mystery shopping and you would be conpensated asap.
My simple reply:
$500? Wow. But you did say you'd reimburse me at double my investment? Dang. That's...that's almost twice what I have to spend! I wish you'd contacted me several jobs ago.
Do you have any peculiar Western Unions you want me to mysery shop?
He does indeed, and I note he selects those somewhat geographically akin to my given (bogus) address in Central City:
The shop we would want you to deal with today is (and he names a grocery store in Idaho Springs, CO; a Loaf n Jug mini mart in Bergen Park/Evergreen; and a liquor & grocery store in Empire, CO). You is to proceeb there asap and do a mysery shop and send the amount of $500 from each and yes you would get double the price back and reimbursement in less than 1 week.
$500 x 3??? Oh, I'm glad he thinks I'm so easy. And he goes on:
Get it done asap as efficency as highly appreciate (if done as he asks, I am damned sure it will be highly appreciate). Hope to read from you soon with the Western Union detail for your Mystery shop and necessary note and recommendation.
After taking a day to mull over the approach, I decide to have my character choose to "visit" the furtherest of the three locations: a little liquor/grocery store in Empire, called Tomato Liquor & Grocery. My character, of course, is careful to take what he reckons are helpful and informative mystery shopper notes of his visit to the aforementioned, and he reports it to 'Terry/Boris' thus:
As you instructed, I selected from the list of Western Union shops you sent me. Deciding it was a nice day for a drive, I went to the Tomato Liquor & Grocery, located in Empire, CO. It's a rustic location, with a large inflatable Shrek doll out front. Why, I don't know. At least Donkey wasn't there, procreating with the dragon. That would have been a bit much.
As I entered, I nearly tripped over a 30 lb chihuahua -- it is apparently named "Booger" -- that lay in the floor near the doorway. I don't think the dog could have moved if it wanted to. One attempt by the dog to wag its tail caused it a rump cramp, and the tail curled into a knot. I was gonna buy it a bag of Slim Fast Dog Biscuits, but there weren't any.
Toward the right, inside the door, was a cashier station, and a kindly-looking curmudgeon ensconced behind the antique cash register. With a rumbling "Hidy, wha' kin ah dew fer yew?", and a small stream of drool down his chin, the cashier -- giving his name as Heinz Katzsup -- ponderously directed me to a counter in the back corner of the store, where I saw a Western Union sign, and a gregarious, rotund woman who flashed a toothless grin and a "Hidy, how kin ah hep yew?". Her name was Huntz, Heinz's wife of 47 years and a missed annulment.
So, to answer your first two shopper questions, (1) service was immediate and (2) the politeness of the attendants was exemplary, if not their respective appearances. I would also add that their customer service professionalism (3) was better than their outward appearances belied.
But that's when the visit went south: when I inquired about sending a Western Union, Huntz laboriously shook her head, inadvertently losing her lower plate of false teeth into a nearby decorative spittoon (I sure hope it was decorative), and mumbled "tain't workin' righ' now, sonny". When I asked why, Huntz said that Heinz tried to send a Western Union that morning, and had drooled on it, "fixin' 'er gud". Huntz said "Ah reckon it'll be a coon's age afore we git the Western Union feller up h'yar ta repare the danged thang".
With that, a heartfelt apology -- and a thoughtful towel to wipe off the spittle Huntz showered me with -- I bought a bottle of Mogen David ("bettr than Ripple", Heinz assured me), and left.
So I will have to try the place in Bergen Park/Evergreen -- the Loafing Jugs -- after work tomorrow.
You're going to love that not only was there a reply from Terry, but the "hope springs eternal in my gullibility" sense to it:
We have recieved your email. Did you make a transfer of funds at any of the western union outlets. if you did you would need to send the details of the transfer or preferably a scanned copy of the western union Receipt. I must commend you for your promptness and detailed analysis.
Get back to me soonest with the western Union receipt and not forgeting my shot of Mogen david..lol.
A scammer widda sense of humor. That might prove useful.
So a suitable amount of time after my real work, I sat down and decomposed Terry another mystery shop on the Loafing Jugs in Bergen Park/Evergreen:
Sir, I am beginning to think I understand why you selected the locations you did to be mystery shopped. I reckon the owners of those respective businesses were in desperate need of something.
The Loafing Jugs I visited was a busy place, between their self-serve gas pumps, lotto sales, and prodigious amounts of slurpees and Twinkies that were leaving the place. Too busy, as it turned out, for me to get my Western Union sent.
The one clerk -- a rather frumpy, tobacco-stained and red-eyed woman who might have been a looker when Nixon was president -- gave me not the time of day for nearly 30 minutes, while I stood at the Western Union machine window, and she processed a stream of the gas, lotto and slurpee throng. When finally I was able to get her attention, she brusquely informed me through tobacco-stained teeth, that the clerk that ran the Western Union -- she referred to her coworker as "that snarky slut" -- called in sick, and she didn't have time to mess with it.
So, in promptness of service, politeness and professionalism, the dinosaurette drew a FAIL, FAIL, and FAIL. But the Coke Slurpee was good.
Sorry. Guess I'll try the other place you mentioned, in Idaho Springs, on Monday.
Terry/Boris is being patient with me so far:
It is desappointing that you have not yet send the western Union but I complement you for the detail and quality of your shops. it is well that we hire you we can see. You must succeed now to send the $500 from the western union we tell you ASAP. your pay will be double you will see. I like slurpees too.
But a bit of impatience starts to seep into his next email on the Sunday before I go *annoyance*:
We look forward to read from you today once you succesful complete your mystery shop and wire the funds. Make sure you remain discreet and also take not of the details and let us know specific the amount it cost you to amke the wire transfer to my other mystery shopper in the UK. Please try today to be successful and it will go well for you.
So I'll start by throwing him a bone...followed by a wrench:
Sorry for the delay, but good news! The transfer has been completed. You can tell Ms Santiago that the money is there, and I'll be happily looking for my doubled return by weeks' end.
The Safeway store in Idaho Springs is an older facility, but staffed with really nice people, even if half of them don't have teeth. The very young lady at the Customer Service counter (where the WU is) was new and in training, so I acted as if this was my first Western Union transfer ever (which, come to think of it, it was). She -- with her trainer's help -- took me through each step of the process. She was most polite and very attendant, but her tongue piercing -- about the size of a marble -- was a bit of a distraction, and caused her to slur any words with vowels. Which was pretty much all of them. But she worked hard to serve, and I didn't let her tongue piercing distract from her customer service.
I did have to laugh at the end, when she said "is there anything else I can do for you?", and I asked her if it would be a bother if I paid her for the wire transfer. She almost choked on her tongue piercing, and was very appreciative that I didn't skip out on it. The total of the wire transfer was $529.95 (transfer and cost).
So, sir, I have a successful mystery shop under my belt. I look forward to a promotion.
Of course, I omitted the only thing that the scammer was really interested in. Which he points out later that day:
What is the MTCN of your transfer, please? You forgot to tell me that part. The rest is vital, yes, but I need the number to verify your success.
What? The MTCN? What is that? Where WAS that? You say I needed it?
You need to get the western union slip or better still if you have the 10 digit western union control number that would sufficent. Get that now please.
Well, cricket crap. I didn't take the receipt. I didn't think I needed it. What do I do now?
I am disappoint in you but you can fix this. Call the store and ask for the information.
I called the Safeway store in Steamboat Springs, and the clerk I spoke with didn't know what I was talking about. He -- in a rather rude manner, I must say -- said I had to come in and show ID. So I guess I have to drive there.
If you must do this, then do this. Did you say Steamboat springs? I thought it was Idaho springs, which is a different place, yes?
Oh, silly me. Of course I meant that. I will go immediately after work tomorrow. I'll get this fixed, you can count on it.
The next day comes, and my scammer is growing more impatient:
Jack, did you go to Idaho Springs and get the MTCN? I need this. All depends on you doing this.
I am sorry, but I don't have time to run to Hot Sulphur Springs today. I don't even know if they have a Safeway? What were we talking about?
What is this you say? You need to stop delayment and go to Idahop Spring Safeway and get the MTCN for Western Union.
Now let's twist things a tad more:
Okay, sir, I went to the Safeway in Idaho Springs (it's so much closer than those other places), and I am happy to tell you that the clerk checked the status of my Western Union transfer, and Ms. Santiago apparently received it. The clerk said it had been signed for. Mission accomplished!
You still need to provide me with the MTCN number. Mrs Santiago has not yet pick up and funds. Please get me the MTCN number now, with no more delay.
I will have to go back and get it, but I don't understand why. When the clerk said that the money had been signed for, I didn't figure I needed it. I still do?
JACK, LISTEN TO ME CAREFUL NOW. I NEED THE MTCN NUMBER. SANTIAGO HAS NOT PICK UP ANY FUND. THIS IS REALLY BEGIN TO ANNOY ME WITH YOU. NO MORE DELAY, GET ME THAT MTCN NUMBER AND SCAN COPY OF RECEIPT TO ME TODAY.
I object to the tone and font of your email, sir. I will go back and explain it to the clerk in Colorado Springs. But don't you write uppity to me like that.
I am sorry but you must get this done and done my way. If you want further employ with us, you must complete this task with speed now.
Sir, something ain't right here. The clerk insisted to me that the money had been picked up, and that a copy of the receipt was useless now that it was so. I almost made her cry, and I wound up buying her some roses in their Floral Department, so she would smile and not cry. I hate when I make a woman cry. I'll bet you do, too. Anyway, she insists that I don't need the receipt since the money has been picked up. If so, and your Ms Santiago didn't get it, then WHO DID? If this makes Ms Santiago cry, I recommend you send her the pink roses. Women swoon over pink roses.
WHAT THE HELL IS WHAT YOU SAYING??? LISTEN I NEED THE MTCN NOT F***ING ADVISE ON ROSE!
You know, you're being mean again. Now, I'm not gonna cry if you're mean to me, like that clerk or Ms. Santiago. But if you keep typing like a prick, I am going to zip the fly up on you. Do you KNOW what you call a fly that's zipped up on a prick? An instigator! Now, we have established that I sent the money as you instructed. My clerk at the Western Union in Big Springs has affirmed that it has been received. If not by Ms Santiago, by someone with vowels in their name. So...why don't you just chalk this one up to my learning curve, and give me another job. Oh and don't forget...you owe me $1,000. Send it to me via Money Gram, since Western Union sucks.
ARE YOU A CHILD? DO YOU LIKE NOTHING BUT PLAY GAMES? DO YOU RELIZE HOW STUPID YOU HAVE SOUND AND ACT? WHO THE F**k WOULD HIRE YOU FOR A JOB TO DO ANY? DONT WRITE TO ME AGAIN YOU CHILD WASTING TIME!
Uh...does that mean I'm not getting promoted?
Apparently it did.
Dang. And I was just getting the hang of cities that ended in "Springs".
Monday, August 2, 2010
Mystery Shopper Miasma - I
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Vhat Das Fokk -- III
As we will see from the conclusion of Part II, the bank is all too happy to accept my recent request regardingk travel:
This is to acknowledged the receipt of your mail and to notify you that after the governing board of directors meeting this morning, we have decided to honour your request. This was reached at because of the government policy which directed us to discharge all foreing payment matters with expidency. This will require you to provide to your legal representative the sum of USD $3,500 so that this identifies your laywer as having legal standing to stand instead of you for the signing of all required documents.
And within the same day, I get this from Herr Dankwanker (not that he and the "bank" can be working in concert? Nahhh):
My good friend thank you for your promptess in this transaction which is very good sign that we are on course. I will want us to hav eth efund transfer before the ending of this week so here I present you the attorney's information on which you send him required funds on Western Union money transfer.
Name: John Eze Location: Lagos Nigera Text Question: Charges
I am very happy that the attorny I engaged is capble of handling this project without delay because of his competency to carry out such assignment without complicity. Please you soonest to send Western Union MTCN number to attorney after wiring, so not to delay as our project. I know that we will both celebrate within a couple days.
Well, one of us will, anyway ;-)
After waiting a couple of days, I send the long-anticipated email:
Herr Hassan Chop undt Dankwanker,
Mitte das haste urged upon me, I left vork early undt dispatched das payment as directed, to Bannister John Eze, fer das fee of $3,500 USD. I had das money convertedt to USD from das Euros, fer convenience of das transaction undt schtuff. Das MTCN number ist 4377017734.
It takes another full day, but on Thursday, August 16, the 'fun' begins:
I have received the message which contains your sending information and i have to ask you to furnish those details for clearity at the western union office because the operation of the agent here some times goes through certain routine. The lawyer come back with details you forward and says the details didn't match western union. They asked the lawyer to produce the receipt for the money payment from your side that maybe there is a mistake somewhere. Please scan your recept and send it immediate you read this. we must clear of this quick to assure no time is lost in transaction future.
Yeah, what he said. So I waited until the early morning of the 17th to reply:
Mischtake mitte Vestern Union payment? Neinen, sir. Das ist not pozzible. I vill send you copy of das receipt at vunce. I am sure zat witte dis, you vill be able to collect das funds I vired fer das business undt schtuff.
Later that day, I get this anxious reply:
Please to help us now. It is quite unfortunate we are having delay at this point in time because the western union office in your country have not posted the money that you send trhough them. Barrister John Eze have gone with the receipt that you send and the officer in the western union told him that they could not access the payment and advice him to get back with you to determine from why on your end the payment not posted. This put everything at signing with bank in jepardy, please. I will appreciate if you would procced to the western union where you carried out the transaction two days ago so that this will immediately be resolved. We are in jepardy on this transaction beacuse of delay. Please hurry and advice us.
On the morning of the 18th, I hurry undt advice them:
I go back das Vestern Union undt discuzz das problem mitte dem. They show me on das system dat das funds vere viredt, undt picked up. Vhen I toldt them vhat you vired me -- dat at your end, Vestern Union say "no transaction exist" -- das agent gave me zynical look undt zaid "someone there is tryingk to scam you, sir". Zo I must ask: just vhat ist goingk on mitte das bank? Vho ist das agent there entrustedt mitte collectingk das funds? Hast da person's veracity been verifiedt undt confirmed?
Das bottom line, Herr Dankwanker: my Vestern Union here confirms das funds vired UNDT PICKED UP BY SOMEVONE ON YOUR ENDE. I am most annoyedt undt perturbed mitte das findingk, undt I vish now to know vhat you vill do about it.
I think the triad of Hassan, Dankwanker and Eze are starting to suspect someone spiked the punch, but they aren't willing to come right out and accuse me just yet:
It is a suprise for us to receive you recent mail because your representative who is well known acrredited attorney have called us yesterday to inform us that he will be in the bank today to sighn the final fund release order on your behalf. We have our receiving agents here in the bacnk but since you couldn't said tha tyou be able to appear in the person you notified us that your attorney will stand for you, it iwll not be wise for us to go ahead an introduce our officer here until it is that we have found who picked up your money here for the attornye that is now not found (I think I understand this drivel). We have not have this kind of problem before but the only thing that is we will see if information of who pick up money. We usually have case of money not get into Nigeria and we want to believe the issue agent in your country is sincere. That is another factor that we should determine because we are not used to this kind of thing before this now.
Ooooookay. So here's my reply to...that:
Vhatever dat you say ist dat, ze fact remainz undt ist not in dispute dat mine Vestern Union clearly establishedt undt demonstrated dat das money vas zent undt receivedt by zomevun on dat end of das transaction. Vhile I do not dispute your explanation, let alone fathom das gibberish, I am most disturbted undt gronifiedt mitte distress by das turn of events undt schtuff. I vill vait to learn vhat ist to be done next, Herr Hassan.
A couple days pass, and I get this from Herr Dankwanker:
I am still trying to figure out what is going on concerning the money that you sent. I have told the lawyer to find out what really happened and still insist that the error is from agents over there. However, he said that to resolve this matter that you should tell those western union officials from where you sent the US$3500 the information of the center where the fund was picked up. With this information the attorney will go after the fund. You should not bother yourself once both ofus are working based on sincerity of purpose. I have developed interest on you and will will realise this transaction together no matter difficulties now. Please to maintain your confidentiality in this project and we will not stop now.
So while he keeps insinuating the problem is here, I'll keep suggestingk it ist uddervise:
Ast I have just emailedt your friend Herr Hassan Chop, I am zatisfied mitte explanation undt investigative results obtained by das officials at das Vestern Union here in Vaduz. Undt they are clear and definitive dat das money vas receivedt undt picked up by zomevon at das Lagos, Nigeria location. Some obvious dumkopf undt hundsfott verboten mitte full of das schiessen undt schtuff, meinen Herr. I stand ready undt able, Herr Dankwanker, to proceed mitte your gibts me das business ast heretofore; ve zimply needt to take a new tact mitte care undt promptitude.
As yet, the scales have not yet fallen from the eyes of Herr Dankwanker, strangely enough:
My friend Phulovit, it is still a puzzle to me, this explanation of yours. I have discussed with my associates what is next, and some of them have to me doubted your sincerity. One says that your emails suggest you jest us, and that things in your backdrop dont make sense when read with care. I of course still believe good business can be done with you, but sincerity is necessary to proceed with this project. I ask of you to proceed with us sincerely as we put back together our efforts to achieve mutual success. Please assure me of your intentions.
I think someone's onto me there; but let's take one last shot at extending this out a tad:
You express in me distrust undt apprehension, Herr Dankwanker? Vho amongst your noted associates ist mitte doubt about mine var recordt or mine zincerity? I vill zlap das taste from das mouth of zuch a sprechen dumkopf! Undt you let das calumnies undt mischtatements to color undt underminen das confidence mitte me now? I find das mozt chillingk undt disappointingk to our vorking relaztionship, Herr Dankwanker.
I vill expect an apologize mitte next email, sir.
Danged if that isn't just what I get, along with a prod to make a new payment via Moneygram:
Let us not have fall out now we are brothers in this endeavour to achieve our mutual good ends. I mean no things unkind to you. Please so that we can still make good our business, endeavour you send the funds now through Moneygram, since this puzzled experience with Western Union. If you will do this I will make up on you, this you have my word my brother. But please hurry as time is not on our side with the bank.
A paragraph more full of schiesse is not to be founden undt schmelledt. But what the heckenseepoo: the difference between a faked Vestern Union undt a faked Moneygram is two digits in the reference number. Zo:
I azzept your apology undt brudderhoodt of das hundsfott, and thus I tell you dat I have dispatched das whole amount mitte Moneygram. Das reference number ist 43770169. Az before, ist zent to das bannister John Eze. I vill avait your confirmation undt verification.
And he is duly appreciative...for now:
I have recieved your mail and to be frank i surprised you were so accepting to do this considering the last time. It tell me you are there to work with me as brothers and we don't need division of any kind (gag me). I will get this to attorney so we can be celebrating tomorrow for our hard work and mutual trust. I thank you sincerely my brother.
I didn't expect that to last very long. It didn't, as this reply from Hassan exemplifies:
PHULOVIT, WE TAKE YOUR INFORMATION SERIOUS AND IT MAKE US LOOK STUPID AT MONEYGRAM! DON'T EVER SEND ANYTHING TO US BECAUSE WE HAVE MONITORED THE EVEN CONCERNING YOU AND DISCOVER THAT YOU ARE A CROOK. YOU CAN GO TO HELL WASTE OUR TIME.
And his point was...? At any rate, time to put "paid" to this bill of dysrighteous indignation:
Herrs Hassan-chop and Dankwanker,
Me? A crook? Nahh. I ain't heavy...I'm your brother. You said so. So are you now saying it AIN'T so? Am I now heavy? Have you undone that which was done in your own words some emails back? If your aunt had a moustache, would she be your uncle?. Oh, dangensee, my Deutchen accent up undt schlippened. As glockenspiel undt flieger schiesse*, I vould be duckingk iffen I vas du, fer vhen das flieger schiesse hits das fan midde plop undt spray, it ist all overen das placen, ja.
I vill avait your latest apology undt schtuff, 'cuzen I know dis is vhat you do best. I might even azzept it.
I regret to inform you that after this email, the triad discontinued communications with Herr Phulovit. Awpeterstain!
* means "flying sh**" in German, or zo I'm toldt...