*A classic from the scambaiting '08 archives*
I love how people keep offering me work over the Internet. It's such a comfort to know that in this day, age, and uncertain economic time, that there's a plethora of opportunities online.
To get screwed.
Take the latest one I received on the first of May, from Lee Phillis (his first of five name variations, with one additional 'oh whoops' throwd in) of the company Star Textile Limited (email@example.com
), with a world-wide distribution, or so it was suggested in the opening gambit. According to the lead-in hooey, "Star Enterprise Fabrics and Textile is a Latvian textile company". At the end of the first email, it is listed as Star Textile Limited, Unit A-D, Centre 600, 82 King Lam Street, Lai Chi Kok, Kowloon, Hong Kong.
Not that I'm against businesses with Latvian and Hong Kongian offices, mind you; I can see how the Latvians and Hong Kongians would have so much in common, business-wise. Still, it's interesting to note as further revelations come to the fore.
At any rate, Mr. Lee Phillis "is looking for a US based account representative" to handle the lucrative but difficult pool of US clients and their payments, for Star Textile. The candidate is expected to process customer payments, receiving a 10% process fee per transaction, and forwarding the balance as designated, via Western Union.
Yup. Seed this 'un afore.
So, what the heck: I applied. I decided to give ol' Curly a rest on this one, and decided to see how attentive ol' Lee was here, so a new character enters the ranks. Using their opening application form, I filled it out thus:
FULL NAME: Ewehoff, Jack N.
CONTACT ADDRESS: 4334 Whittier Blvd., Los Angeles CA 90023
PHONE NUMBER: 1-213-235-2335
FAX NUMBER: N/A
MARITAL STATUS: Long-term separated
CURRENT JOB: Terminal repose
DATE: if you're cute and female
What comes as no surprise, three days later I get this from now Lee Philllips (variation #2):
Thanks for getting back to me promptly.Your application is being processed and after all necessary check has been done and we are satisfied, I would call you and you would then be informed as to when you would be getting the first set of payments. At this time I will also inform you on where the payments are to be sent via Western Union. Looking forward to you having a rewarding time working with us. Clothing the world...our goal!
Lee Phillip (variation #3)
Now that Lee has proven he proofreads about as well as the rest of Scamland, I'm in business, and I show my genuine enthusiasm for the work to come:
Thank you for the opportunity! I won't let you down, on this you can be gravely assured! I won't rest while one transaction is in my withered hands, I assure you! I look forward to providing a level of satisfaction commiserate with your intentions here.
Yeah, I know I'm not Curly this time out; but my address is still a cemetery. And Universal Studios might be getting a couple of interesting phone calls before this is over. I hope they take messages for me.
About a week goes by, and I begin to think that something's gone amiss....like the schmuck actually checked out the information on my application. But nawp...an email comes after six days, bearing proof that the game's on:
I am writing to inform you that a customer payment is being sent to you via UPS courier. It should arrive with you today or tomorrow. Here is the tracking number of the payment. Pls have them tracked so you can know when the courier driver will come to deliver them: 1z6x5a812110008271. The payments that will be delivered to you will be inform of a cashier's cheque which you are to take to your bank for immediate cashing and once you have the cash you are required to send my 90% back to me via western union with the informations below. Deduct the western union charges from my 90% and divide the remaining funds into 2half and get it to the 2 names below.
Note: the payment will be for $5830. Deduct your 10% and the western union charges from my own money. Soon as the funds are sent, send me the fullname and address of the sender's name and well as the MTCN control number of the western union and also the amount sent to each person pls. all this are very neccessary so the funds can be picked up easily.
Jeff Patterson (the odd name he throwd in there, that never again appears)
Never one to throw a multiple monkey wrench before it'll cause the most confusion, I wait to start to question:
I will watch and wait for the UPS man to make with the delivery. I have all your information ready and will act upon it with dispatch, once the delivery arrives.
The weekend intercedes, so one can imagine Mr. Lee Phillis/Philllips/Phillip/Jeff Patterson's anxiety as Monday morning rolls around:
I will be expecting you to expedite actions about this, how fast you process the first payment will determine the volume of the next payment you will be receiving.I hope to hear back from you how far you've gone today.
Lee Philips (variation #4)
For something that's easily done online -- tracking a UPS package -- it continues to amaze me how these morons claim to use UPS, and apparently never do, as I tell 'em I got their delivery, when it's going thousands of miles in any direction from me. But I digress, and now it's time to let the fun times roll on Star Textile:
I have received the package, and am leaving now to attend to it. First to the bank, and then to my local Western Union.
And that's all I send him.
Now it's Tuesday:
I didn't hear anything of you today. Did you get to Western Union? These funds are important to operations. Pls advise soonest.
Lee Philip (variation #5)
Okay, some more monkey wrenching:
I have completed the first step. I have deposited the money at the bank. Before I proceed to step two, I have two questions:
1. If Star Textile is a Latvian company with an office in Hong Kong, why am I sending the money to the Ukraine?
2. Instead of 10%, I would like 20% for my services. You good widdat?
Jack N. Ewehoff
Now it's Tuesday evening, and this has been sitting in my email for...probably hours:
Good tohear from you andhappy to hear you have deposited cheque. Now you must complete Western Union step to the two names I send you because time is not on our side anymore.
We are sending the money to Ukraine because we bougth our raw materials (fabric) from them.our goods came in yesterday and wee need to pay them off today so that the goods won't be returned ok? you need to act fast ok.
Please try to understand that 20% is too much for us right now. We are new and have start costs. But I will agree to you have 15%, but time is not working for us, pls get Western Union sent soonest.
Lee Philllips (earlier variation)
Now, time for more 'time not on our side' issues:
Well, it won't be until late Wednesday. My car broke down. Something's wrong with the blinker fluid and the gronificator. But I'll get to it assuredly, Wednesday afternoon. And I am okay with 25%. Thank you for the raise.
Lee of multiple name variations reads the emails better than he read my application:
Delay is problem. Pls make this imperative Wednesday. and I said 15% not 25%. Pls make haste with payment!
Another monkey wrench on Wednesday evening:
Sorry, it won't be today... I am sick tomorrow.
Lee is getting edgy, but has a degree of compassion for someone he's trying to rip off:
Good day to you. I got your email and i am really sorry about your health. I pray you have a soonest recovery. Pls and plse in respective of your health, you have to go out of your way and send the money today. I really need to pay a client of mine and he threatens legal action if I delay. Pls, I have more cheques for you to process, but you must complete this one. My wish for your recovery and pls send Western Union soonest.
Now it's time to pee in some Wheaties:
I'm a bit embarrassed here. My doctor's bill was much larger than I expected, and I have no insurance. So I used some of the funds. Not all of it, but some of it. After deducting my 30%, I have about half of the total left. You're okay widdat, right?
Now Lee is pissed...and varying his last name again:
you have no reason to use part of the money of the company with you.You have been given a 15% commission, not 30!You have no right to more than 15%! If in the next 12 hours you did not send the companys money,we shall be forced to invovle the authorithy! (now he capitalizes for emphasis) I HOPE YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?i will urge you to go right ahead and send whatever you have with you before the situation gets worse.
Lee philip (later variation)
Now Jack "panics" in reply:
What do you mean, "involve the authorithy"? You don't mean to have me ARRESTED??? NO! But you can't DO that? Can you? This isn't FAIR! I was sick! You can't do this to me! I feel a real bad one coming on in the bowels! Why have you forsaken me?
I guess ol' Lee felt he put a sufficient 'scare' into ol' Jack, and his reply reflects a moment of backing off:
OK. Am being fair now. Just send the money you're supposed to send now and let me have the western union details in minutes.
Unfortunately....*snort*...it wasn't in "minutes". It was later that afternoon:
When you threatened me with legal action, I got scared...so I used my 40% and contacted an attorney through a discount club I belong to, and he told me I had to send him a retainer for his services. So I sent him the balance of the cheque that's not mine. Don't scare me like that again! So now that you're not being a big meanie now, I'll try to get the remaining 40% or so back. If I can, I'll send it to you tomorrow, no fail.
Lee and his multiple last name variations has had about enough of me, and now decides to play the 'heavy':
you are in trouble now. am sick of your pranks and i need you to send out my money today. all of it, no commission for you now. you send it all. I really mean this and i have all your information. you understand what i tell you? YOU HAVE NO WHERE TO HIDE FROM ME. Send me my money or it get ugly for you.
Oooooooooo, da poor puddy tat's mad. Now that he's mad, let's poke a stick in the hornet's nest and up the mad quotient:
Now I know you have all of my information. I know you know who I am, and where I live. I know this already, since I'm the one that gave you the information. And you know it's accurate, because the UPS package did get to me. So that's established.
But now I have the cheque. And you're threatening me. And I think to myself, why do I need to worry about threats from YOU? After all, just what are you REALLY gonna do? Lee, you're gonna do NOTHING. That's right: NOTHING. Because you CAN'T. I have your cheque. And I'm not sending it to you or anyone in the Ukraine. I'm keeping it here. My commission just became 100%.
Unless, that is, you want it back bad enough. If you do, then here's how you get it: YOU COME GET IT. As you said, you know where I live. And since I work from home, I'm there almost all the time. So I'm easy to find. Come look me up. Drop by for a spell. Take your shoes off and get all homey. Come visit my crib in da hood.
But my guess is, you ain't coming. You ain't got the stones, Lee. You is what we used to call "yellow". A coward. A chickenpoop*. No guts. Nuthin'. You ain't nuthin' but capital letters and hot air. Oh, you might have a thug or two come by on your behalf. But I got an answer for that, too.
Come on, Lee. Come git some. You want your money? Come git it, candy-butt*.
Jack N. Ewehoff
4334 Whittier Blvd
Los Angeles CA 90023
You know where I am. Come git some.
* color-metaphorically diminished here, not in the original
You gotta love a scammer who's got the stones to come git some. Lee Whatever-His-Name-Is utters what turns out to be one final threat:
youll be sorry you see.
I wonder if he'll show up at a cemetery in Los Angeles, lookin' to git some. Whaddaya think? Hope he brings a shovel. To git some, he'll have to dig ;-)
Labels: cemetery in Los Angeles, email scammers, humor, Jack N. Ewehoff