Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
They're Baaaaack...or at least One of Them Is
As we last left the Seymour/Jane saga (my pet rock and pet earette of corn), Seymour/Jane spent a year plus on Shiraishi Island in the Inland Sea, Japan; they then went to spend roughly a year plus on a farm in Ohio (Amy Chavez's parents). From there, something went turrible wrong: Jane went missing.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Get A Job
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Dear Skunky -- XXI
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
US 4.....Pirates Nuthin'
Far East Fun With Seymour And Jane -- Photos
Friday, April 10, 2009
They're Baaaaaaack...Kinda Sorta Not
In arranging this meet, Amy asked that I bring Seymour, my pet rock, and Jane, my purloined (for Seymour) earette of corn along, so she could meet 'em. After we met, Amy sprang an unexpected request upon me: could she take Seymour and Jane back to Japan with her? To spend a summer on the beach at her Moooo! Bar, located on the beach of Shiraishi Island, in the Japanese Inland Sea.
While Seymour and Jane sat there stunned, albeit pleased, at the invite, I pondered it all of a couple seconds before saying "yes". I never saw a pet rock and earette of corn so excited (see photo, which is Seymour and Jane, pre-Japan). Actually, I've never seen them show much emotion about anything, other than when something 'morphed' in my 'fridge, and scared Seymour when he tried to get a midnight snack ... or when Seymour watched a marathon of The Outer Limits (TOS) and then 'fixed' my VCR remote into a 'home defence device' that I discovered the hard way ... and there was the katana/iaido episode ... but I digress.
Anyway, Amy said she'd have 'em back the next spring (2007).
Which became the next spring (2008). And then the next spring (2009). Seymour and Jane had returned to the US by the spring of '08, but they spent the rest of that year adorning a dining room table at Amy's parents farm in Ohio. Not exactly the beach outside of the Moooo! Bar, but finally, Seymour and Jane had returned to the USA. And now, they were to return to my care on April 2, 2009.
Or so I'd been led to believe.
When I met Amy and her friend Paul at the Buffalo Bar and Grill in Idaho Springs, I noticed something immediately: both Amy and Paul arrived empty-handed. Okay, I reckoned, I'd pick up Seymour and Jane when we left the bar.
Amy apologetically let me know that Seymour was still in Ohio. Then, she and Paul broke the 'news': Jane was 'missing'. And Seymour was being questioned by local authorities in Ohio as a person...er...pet rock of interest in Jane's 'disappearance'.
It's a good thing I live an absurd life; otherwise, none of this would make any sense...
So...the saga continues. Seymour, being interrogated by some of Ohio's finest, while Jane is...somewhere, physically changed from whenst I last saw her, with a huge brood all over Shiraishi Island and points elsewhere, and not one kernel of evidence asto where she is right now.
*ducking boos and assorted throwd items*
Amy promises to keep me updated on the case. Meantime, if anyone sees a possibly tribal-looking corncob, largely shorn of corn, with a base plate screwed into her butt, and wearing something akin to what Trailer Trash Barbie or Kimono Barbie wears, wandering aimlessly in your neighborhood, drop me an email. Especially if she's muttering dire threats about kicking a pet rock's ass.
I might overcome common sense -- as I frequently do -- and answer it.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Job Placement For Scammers
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
April Fools Diplomacy
I must say that bearing in mind the criticism I'm about to levy here, I probably wouldn't be doing much better.
I have had occasion to do some international travelling in my time, and I was at one time seriously pondering a visit to your unusual country for the purpose of tourism.
However, in doing some research of your country, coupled with a steady diet of emails I have received from Burkina Fasoans of dubious antecedence and banking practices, I have some questions to put to you before making definitive plans to journey there.
See, these emails have been dispatched by numerous persons purporting to be "Director, Audits and Accounts, BOA". And the amounts of money they purport to need my help with, coupled with the number of deceased persons the accounts relate to, leave me wondering thus:
1. Do all rich visitors to Burkina Faso fall from the sky in aerodynamic dysfunctions? According to just two months' worth of such emails, more rich foreigners fall from Burkina Faso skies, than bad guys that were killed in all five of Dirty Harry's movies, combined. This seems very bad for your tourism industry, especially when one such emailer -- when I inquired about the hazards of a trip he recommended I make -- wrote back to me and said "Go ahead...make your flight".
2. What with all the hundreds upon hundreds of millions of USD that are alleged to be ensconced in BOA vaults in Burkina Faso, how come your country resembles Afghanistan, living standards-wise?
3. Does the BOA there in Burkina Faso handle so much business and personal investments that they need 250 different "Directors of Audit and Accounting", all at once? And with names as varied as Ali Ahmed to Butros Billy Zachmed Al Qziz?
4. How many revolutions have been had in Burkina Faso since, oh say, 1997? I keep hearing from relatives of assassinated royalty and political figures thereabouts, all needing my help to rescue their inheritances from being "seized by the State".
5. Is it true that the current US president has an authentic birth certificate, autographed Quran, and autographed t-shirt from Osama bin Laden, secured in a safety deposit box at the BOA Ouagadougou branch, available to me for a fee, like an emailer or two have claimed?
6. Are there really 4,000 Mariam Abachas living as refugees in and around the capital of Ouagadougou, all widows of deposed and decomposing Nigerian dictator General Sani Abacha? If so, small wonder the guy's dead, let alone who killed him, but I digress.
7. Do your brand of Muslims all wear exploding underwear, like some of them do in the Middle East?
8. Do your hotels really have flushing toilets and real toilet paper, and not papaya leafs?
9. Is there really an FBI branch office in Ouagadougou? I have been emailed by your field officer there that this is so. If so, do they have a photo of J. Edgar Hoover there, in a full length feather boa? Just asking.
10. Do I get a fitted crash helmet and parachute when flying into/out of Burkina Faso?
I would be most gratified to have these questions answered, before I plan to book travel to your unique little country, and schedule stops to sign all kinds of account tranfers for 250 different "Directors of Audit and Accounting" at how many ever branches of BOA there are in Burkina Faso.
And what do you think I got as a response?
* having no sense of humor, or any common sense, PETA never did reply to my veggie avenger or sea pussies letters...