You're a Bad One, Mr. Skunk -- II
Witness the totally oblivious (to my reply) response from Shidi Amusa:
Thank you very much for your respond to my proposl, I want to assure you that we are going to confir this fund in your acount before 14 bank working days,I got your email adress in the chamber of comerce internet departmen in my search for a parter that will assist me to actualize this my goal,i am a staff in African Development Bank as the auditor general in the accounts department...(yada, yada...note that his business title has changed already).
Anyway, he went on to tell me about how none of this was illegal, et al, and then asked again I fill out a new application to this African Development Bank, with a new Director of Foreign Remittance (Mr. Alhajiissaka Seeukabukaungabunga Usman, a real nightmare for a Wheel of Fortune letter-turning maven, but I digress), applying to the bank as a next of kin to the faux-dead person with the multi-million dollar faux bank account.
Okay, fine...if Shidi Amusa can read as good as a high school senior from the Chicago Publik Skools, let's see if his alleged bank and Mr. Alphabet Soup there, is just as (il)literately-gifted. Thus, the part of the application that I...er...endowed with certain unalienable embellishements:
FULL NAME: MYRA MANES
AGE: 7 or so DOG YEARS
SEX: AS OFTEN AS I CAN, WITH WHOMEVER OF THE FAIRER SEX IS WILLING AND OF AGE
OCCUPATION: SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION THERAPIST
BANK NAME: PHALLYC STATE BANK & DEPOSIT-WITHDRAW-REPEAT
BANK ADDRESS: 69 ERECTILE ROAD
CITY: BANGHER, CO
A/C NAME: MANES, MYRA
ACC NO: (number I borrowed from another scammer)
SWIFT CODE: (ditto)
TELEPHONE: (a 900 sex line number I found online)
I apologise for my late application, as it followed my next of kin in getting killed and buried, but we managed to dig up the relevant facts required, dust them off and present them here without the odors of decay from the coffin. Now that this is done and some problem we have now settled and I strongly believe that my application will meet your urgent and favourable consideration, or you can shove it up your ass sideways.
I found myself wondering if I shouldn't get a second chance at that "will they or won't they answer" pool, using the same choice as heretofore.
*Buzzer* ... it's good that I didn't go with the same choice again, as Shidi was back within a couple hours:
Mr. Manes, bellow is the bank E mail form you send me the contents of I well understand. plaese sent this data to bank at once for process. Thank you.
He didn't notice that I sent the same thing to the bank in the same email. And as for his "the contents of I understand well" .... *smirk* ... *snicker* .... *chortle* ... *snort* ... *giggle* .... *guffaw*...*ROFLMAO*...
And you wonder why I do this?
After a couple days, I get this follow-up from Shidi (while the "Bank" is comparatively silent on the 'application'):
Myra my brother, i read well your reply and understand the contents (no, he don't). it as you say is festive time and so bank may not get back on you untl the next week. please to reply soonest at there convience to move long the thing.
A short "why, SOITENLY, nyuk nyuk!" reply, and I settle in to wait on the 'Bank'. Who might have a reader/comprehender a tad sharper than the plastic butter knife than is Shidi Amusa. Then again, or not, as I get this from Alhaj Usman, now bearing the title formerly borne by Shidi Amusa:
it is with regrets to inform from you of the lost of your next kin but to lets to you know your application has been revewed and is in order to us here. time is off essent so you are instruct to contact our manager of fees and process, Ibrahim Bello, use of same email with bank, to receve from him processing payment instructions to Western Union soonest. I am await your afirmative reply.
Somehow, I'm thinking that the banker is (full) of the same *stuff* as Shidi, reading his business email. Within an hour or so, I also get a follow-up admonishment from Shidi:
Myra, when you del with bank it is impotant most that you be discret to use of my name! they not to know me in part of this with you okay.
Notta problemo, me thinks aloud, as I write a response calculated to just plain f*** up everything:
Mr. Ibham Bellows, African Development Bank & Dystrust: hey, spare me the condolences on my dead kin. He was a pervert and anthill molester, and did shameful things with tree stumps and door knobs, too. Sick bugger he was. Better off daid. Now, 'bout this Western Union crap...I HATE Western Union. They so totally f***ed up a transaction I had to send money to bring my pet rock home from a farm in Ohio, now I hear the rock is in Liechtenstein! What kinda crap is that? I want assurances from your bank and the fella what got me started here, Shidi Amusa, that your Bank won't bollix this matter up (uh, bollix means f*** up in English. I don't know what your tribal translation is). Shidi seems to know next-to-squat about what he's doing, so you and Alhaji Putzcamel better have your skeeters wired, so we can git this h'yar done with a minimum of obfuscationality, 'cuz I ain't got time to waste on this h'yar. I've got patients to sexually rehabilitate, and they pay me $250/hour! So tell me where to send the fees with Money Gram, and we'll git 'er done, y'hear?
Oh, SH**!!! I wasn't supposed to mention Shidi Amusa's name in here! Camel sh**! Forget I mentioned Shidi Amusa! Never mind that name! Sh**! I did it again!! I hate when that happens! Whatever you do, pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, Shidi Amusa! Oh, batsh**, I DID IT AGAIN! My bad, my soooooo bad. Just forget any mention of your employee, Shidi Amusa. DOH!!! Somebody stop me before I say Shidi Amusa again! Dang! Double-dawg dang!!
I dun went and screwed up absolutely nothin', but the bank and Shidi wanted me to think I had (first, the Bank):
We are put this tranation on hold as you reveal to us involment of a bank employee, Shidi Musa, who he know is not to be so involve with transaction of this kind. we are to let you know when we complte our review of transaction to proceed.
And then this from an allegedly aggrieved Shidi:
Manes, why you do me to this??? i tell you of secretsy, and you bring to mention of my name in bank on deal!!! you are not smart to do to me lik this!
If only he knowd how many things I ain't smart about, 'cept when it comes to bein' a smart ass:
You told me not to USE your name, but you didn't say nuthin' about MENTIONING it! Here in the decadent West, name-dropping is synonymous with networking and brown-nosing, neither of which applies here, but I digress. You have a high-falutin' title there in the bank, and I reckoned that MENTIONING your name would grease the skids to get things moving like a good bowel sculpture after a glass of Metamucil. It's not my fault that you weren't supposed to be involved in this; after all, you did tell me it was all perfectly legal and all. If it's so legal, why are YOU in trouble now? Hmmmm? Tell me that, Sir Error of Syntax! Answer me that 'un! After you answer me that 'un, tell your bank to get off their deposit slips and let's get to the rat killin' h'yar, as my dead friend Rooster Cogburn liked to say between shootin' bad guys daid.Sadly, Shidi didn't answer that 'un. Nor did the bank. Guess they both decided that I'm a bad 'un, Mr. Skunk ;-)